Also known as: On the heart being stronger and braver than we expect
I was reading some of my recent entries and I had to chuckle at how much I was a mess when I wrote them. I don’t think it’s really obvious except if you knew me personally and you knew the reasons why I wrote those entries back then. It’s just funny how different things are now, and it’s not even that long after. But I guess that’s life.
So I started praying the rosary again. I prayed the rosary everyday last Lent, and then I stopped because Lent was over, but I pray it every now and then, especially when I’m having a hard time staying still. Or when I’m panicking. Especially when I’m panicking. And then some things happened in the past weeks that made me start praying the rosary again every night, and it’s actually nice to take some time off and do that. My concentration is often shot, but the effort is there, and I think that counts. :)
I was praying the rosary last week before I slept, and one of the Luminous Mystery reflections talked about spiritual courage. I offered the mystery for several intentions and I started thinking about what the reflection said about spiritual courage. Then I found myself saying: Lord, teach me how to love and how to be brave.
It frustrates me when I realize how easily I swing from one mood to another. I’m pretty sure I’m not the only one with this (please, don’t let me be the only one?) kind of…condition. It just sucks, for the lack of better words to use.
Whenever I feel unsettled, I immediately go on defense mode. My thought process is usually like this:
Okay, why am I feeling this? I try to find out why I feel it and where/when I started feeling it.
What do I want that will pacify this? Is it reasonable? Is it selfish? Is it petty or something serious?
Then I pray. Like crazy. Until something happens. Or I realize that I am just worrying over nothing. More often it’s the latter.
I know that I should pray first and foremost, but I’m still in that process of consciously trying to do that first. Consciously. And it’s never really easy. But I try.
So, earlier today, I was in that kind of spell. The reasons behind the spell (or really, the triggers) were really petty, which annoys me even more because I thought I was already past these kinds of things. So I find myself struggling and fighting against…I don’t know, myself? The world? Anyway, I had my Keep Calm and Trust God playlist on, I was praying hard to get those thoughts away. I hate that I can be so at peace at one moment, then so agitated the next. It’s crazy and annoying and I wish, I wish, I wish I could be one of those people who just don’t get fazed by the things that faze me. I wish I can be those people who don’t let their worries get to them, who can compartmentalize things and not let other things bother them when they don’t want to be bothered.
Commercial: I used to think I can compartmentalize things, because I had that “absorb now, digest later” defense mechanism. You know, when bad things happen, I don’t think of them just yet until it’s “safe” — when I’m alone, when it’s okay to break down and panic and all that. I think sometime in the past years, I stopped doing that, and I don’t know if I can do that again.
So anyway. Earlier, I was struggling to get my peace again. I was at the gym, getting my dose of endorphins to keep the thinking and the panic at bay. It worked for a while, but once class was over, I got stuck again. Argh. Let me tell you this: the struggling is so tiring. I know that we need to fight for the things that matter to us, and I guess that includes peace of mind, but I hate that I have to do it constantly, that I had to do it then, when I can’t even see a reason why I really lost my peace in the first place.
Can you see how panicked I am even while I’m writing this? Did everything I write up there make sense to you?
And then, I had an epiphany.
It’s kind of funny how often I feel like I have to fight and struggle for my own peace when really, all I have to do is surrender.
It sounds so simple. And maybe it is. The concept of surrendering is an entirely different thing, so I’ll leave that for another post. I realize that maybe sometimes, I don’t have to fight or struggle so much to keep my peace. Oh, there are times when I have to fight fiercely, especially when someone or something tries to take it away from me, but when I am the source of my distress, I need to remember that I should just let it go. Just surrender. Because I know nothing, except that I have a God who is in control, who is infinitely wiser and trustworthy and who gives what is good, so I should not panic.I should not be scared. More often than not, I find that there is really nothing to be panicked about. I am just wasting my time fighting to keep my peace when I’m really just struggling with myself.
Remember to surrender. That sounds catchy.
So is there anything that is trying to steal your peace? Is it something you brought upon yourself? (If yes, hello, fellow over thinker!)Remember to surrender. :)
Also known as: Physical thrills and emotional thrills — which do I like better? And possibly some signs of aging.
The last few weeks of October were terribly stressful that it came to a point that I was more excited to going home and sleeping than going out. In fact, I went out one day, thinking, “I’m so excited to go home later and sleep.”
Perhaps I was just very tired and stressed then, but I felt that it was some kind of sign of aging. I used to have a ton of energy whenever I go out, and I can last long until the end of the gimmicks, but now I just get really tired. And I get excited over going to bed and having a full 8-hour sleep (which I rarely get now). Sign of aging? Or maybe maturity? What do you think?
Oh don’t get me wrong. I like being out with friends. I like having exciting times with friends and family. It’s just that I get tired of it more now than I used to.
Which brings me to this point, besides you know, starting to feel signs of aging: I’m not a thrill-seeker.