From the monthly archives: May 2010
I’m sorry for the sort of depressing entry last Friday. I was having some kind of weekend blues, can you believe that? But all’s better now, it’s just a spur of the moment thing.
Plus, some things happened that kind of made me realize (yet again) that I’m really okay. Really and truly okay. Sometimes I tend to forget that, and I tend to look at the things I lack before I appreciate the things I have. Yes, I’m channeling Shrek Forever After here, but what he said made sense. Sometimes we don’t know what we have till it’s gone. It’s a good thing I get reminded of it, and now I get reminded often, and it keeps my feet on the ground. And it keeps me from flailing, too. ;)
This is one thing I keep on forgetting lately: God is a good God. It’s strange how I forget something as basic as that fact. It hit me last weekend that May is ending, and we’re entering June, and June not only means the start of school, but also the start of the rainy season. And you know what the thought of rain does to me, right? Right. I wouldn’t have been as nervous if our house has been renovated, but up to now it’s not. I don’t know when that would start, and the idea of rains coming and our house still the same still kind of freaks me out.
So I was trying to calm myself down over that fact on the weekend. I’m sorry if I’m not one of the people praying for rain even if I am also dying of heat here — I’m just scared. But sometime during the weekend, as my brother and I were talking about some wedding stuff, I felt an odd sense of calm. I thought, It’s my brother’s wedding late this year, and I’m sure God won’t let us run into any disasters that would stop that.
I don’t know if it made sense. Not that I’m bargaining to God and all (although I know I do that often), but I felt as if God is quieting my fears and telling me, “Don’t forget that I am a good God, and I won’t give you anything that you can’t handle.”
It doesn’t mean that any flooding is guaranteed not to happen again, but it meant that God promises to take care of us. So I need not fear. God is a good God.
And then I found out another thing about a friend who I used to be close to. I say used to because I felt like we were drifting apart. Now, I mentioned a couple of times that I suck at keeping in touch, so drifting away from old friends isn’t a new thing, but this one particular friend mattered a lot, and I found that I had a hard time letting go — I even wrote several entries about this. I tried, and something that happened after the flood made me start picking up myself and moving on. I thought I had moved on and all, but then I heard something, and I’m back to square one.
I talked to another friend about it because I was so unsettled last Saturday. Strange, because I should be moving on — I shouldn’t care anymore. I mean, I didn’t even learn the news first hand, I had to hear it from someone else! I was so pissed about it that I wanted to cry and throw stainless steel drums! However, after praying last Sunday, I heard this gentle reminder: It’s not about you, my daughter.
So yeah. It’s not about me. Yes, I’m pissed, I’m hurt for being left out again, but this news isn’t about me. Whatever I’m feeling, it doesn’t even compare to what my friend is probably feeling. So I cannot complain. I can’t throw a tantrum and not offer my presence just because I wasn’t one of the people who heard the news first.
I could move on from this, now right? I mean, yes it’s not about me, but it doesn’t mean I should say anything, or care, right?
But it bothered me. So after a day of wallowing, I reached out to that used-to-be-close friend. I figure, there’s nothing wrong with offering. If I get a response, cool. If not, at least I did my part. I was telling all this to Jana and Gel yesterday, and they told me I’m such a nice friend, because they would have done what I initially wanted to do if it happened to them. They wouldn’t care, because in the first place, the other person didn’t care. So why make an effort, right?
I asked the same question, too, and sometimes I still wonder. I can say, “Oh, but we were friends, and it’s just the right thing to do.” While that is true, I personally think that it’s not really enough reason for me to reach out. I can remember a lot of disappointments with this friend, and I was hurt more than once, and I have all the reasons to move on with my life and all. But there’s just something inside me that bugs me, and sometimes even begs me, to try again. Even just one more time. And if nothing happens, try again. Try and try and try.
I guess there are just some people who you can’t give up on. I found mine, and well…I’m hoping this changes things. I’m not saying I’m glad my friend got hurt — that’s mean. I’m just saying that…well, I don’t know the reason, either, but I know God works in mysterious ways, and this is one thing I can’t fully comprehend just yet. What I do know is, God never gave up (and will never give up) on me, so why should I give up on my friend?
I guess this is what loving really means?
Ah, growing up. How lovely and painful, but it’s all okay when God is on your side. :)
Have you ever gotten to work, and find out that the first thought in your head as you turned your computer on was “I want to go home”?
Yep, that’s today.
I don’t know what’s got me so down today, when it’s a Friday. I should be happy it’s the weekend! I should! Even if I almost spent most of my money last week from shopping for clothes and looking at pet beds even if I don’t need them, I should still be happy that it’s the weekend!
But…sigh.
Perhaps it’s because I don’t have concrete plans this weekend. For the past months, I’ve always had weekend plans with friends, I’m always out most of the time. This month, since two of my favorite people are somewhere out there, it seems like we have zero plans. Of course, other friends are here…but we’re not planning anything (yet).
So yeah. I’m sorta kinda down today.
I have a feeling this may be PMS. But…sigh.
I guess another thing that’s bumming me out is this certain feeling that I can’t shake off. The feeling that I need to decide, the feeling of having more and more responsibilities, the feeling of needing to get out and do something, because changes are coming. I know changes are definitely coming, and I have no idea if I am ready for them. I feel like I’m going to have to go out of my comfort zone yet again, but I don’t know if I’m ready! I don’t know if I can handle things yet! Can’t we take it slower, please?
Ah, growing up.
Come on, share your happy pills. What do you do when you get hit by the blues all of a sudden? Do you have a special happy dance or ritual? I sure could use some cheering up.
Sigh.
I swear, I miss this. I miss hearing God everyday. :) This is just awesome. Thank You, Lord.
I kind of have a lot of work to do today, but I need to share this one before anything else. Yesterday, I went to the gym to go for a run. I usually have a running play list made by MoodAgent to keep me running (I’d use a Nike+ playlist, but I don’t have it yet, and I’m too cheap for a Garmin GPS), but instead of playing that, I decided to listen to the two Lifeteen The Mix podcasts that I haven’t listened to yet. On the latest episode (eighth), there’s this long talk by Matt Smith that almost made me cry while I was running. I know, awkward, right?
Anyway, the talk was about this specific quote from Pope John Paul II, that I thought I’d share with everyone because it was just so amazing, and it spoke straight to my heart. I leave you with this quote this Monday and I hope it’s gives you something to think about this week. :)
* I tried to choose specific parts that I liked, but I couldn’t. So I emphasized the entire thing. :P
It is Jesus that you seek when you dream of happiness. He is waiting for you when nothing else you find satisfies you. He is the beauty to which you are so attracted; it is He who provoked you with that thirst for fullness that will not let you settle for compromise; it is He who urges you to shed the masks of a false life; it is He who reads in your heart your most genuine choices, the choices that others try to stifle.
It is Jesus who stirs in you the desire to do something great with your lives, the will to follow an ideal, the refusal to allow yourselves to be ground down by mediocrity, the courage to commit yourselves humbly and patiently to improving yourselves and society, makng the world more human and more fraternal.
- Pope John Paul II
Have a great day, everyone. :)
This week, I’ve been trying my best to be consistent in my prayer time. It’s a struggle, especially since I was on day shift last week, and it’s kind of tempting to skip praying when I wake up a bit late, or to read tweets and Facebook updates instead of opening my Bible. I know, right? Life is so simple before all these social networking stuff.
But anyway, I tried harder this week, and it’s funny how much I heard from God this week — it’s like He’s so eager to talk to me.
And you know what, maybe He is. :)
So today’s Gospel was all about asking.
Until now you have not asked anything in my name; ask and you will receive, so that your joy may be complete. (John 16:24)
Asking. It seems so easy, but I realize that more often than not, I never asked for specifics from God. I always asked for His will, I always asked for something general. Maybe I’m too lazy to think about it, maybe it’s because I don’t know what to ask for. I’m not really sure, but yes, more often than not, I fail to ask. Sure, it’s always good to ask for God’s will, but I have to remember that my God delights in my asking. Of course, He may not give everything I ask for (I doubt He’d give me bpi training, but who knows), but He’s working on me as He says no (or more often than not, wait).
So, I asked. I wrote them all down this morning, and while nothing earth-shattering happened today (save for my shopping trip), asking gave me hope, and asking gave me assurance that God heard me, and He is working on me, and He will give me what I ask for, that my joy will be complete. In His perfect time, of course.
What about you? What would you ask for?
So just the other day, a couple of girl friends and I were having another sentimental moment and the focus? Our lack of romance in our lives, of course.
Yeah, it’s always that.
Sometimes it’s just frustrating, you know. There are a lot of times when being single is fun — spending money on ourselves and family, going on trips, and other single people stuff. You have more time, and you can do things without having to ask permission from someone, yadda, yadda, yadda. The usual stuff, you know.
But sometimes, it’s just hard to keep on waiting, you know. Like I said so many times, especially when there’s no one on the horizon. And there’s no one who seems to be making an effort, or when there’s no one to like. Or when whoever you like doesn’t like you back. And it’s especially hard when everyone around you seems to be in a relationship, and your friends are starting to have their own love lives…and it feels like no matter how much you make an effort — like dress better, lose weight through natural weight loss products, be available and all that — it seems like nothing is paying off. I can list more reasons why it’s hard, but if you’re single and have been single for the longest time, you know what I mean. How long must I wait, Lord?
And so the emo moments continued. I’m better now, because I’m not yet PMS-ing (watch out when I do, haha), and I did have some good talks with a lot of friends about this yet again. I have another post sometime about some other things like envy, but I thought I’d share how God affirmed me of my current position in life.
In today’s Gospel, Jesus said this to his disciples:
You did not choose me. I chose you and sent you out to produce fruit, the kind of fruit that will last. Then my Father will give you whatever you ask for in my name. (John 15:16)
I’ve memorized this verse way back in college, but it didn’t make sense to me until now. When I think about it, it’s true: I didn’t choose to be in this situation, God chose for me to be here. He led me here, not to be a cruel God, or to hold something out for me, but because He wants me to produce fruit that will last. I could try to go another way just so I can get what I want, but it’s not going to last because it’s not from God. It makes sense!
Okay for a more concrete answer. I get sad, I get lonely a lot of times because I have no boyfriend. Yes, I’m saying this out: I want to fall in love and be in a relationship. Maybe there’s something I can do just so I can have one now, I can have one soon, but would it last? Is it forever? Would the fruit of what I would do on my own last?
My friend Jana asked me this yesterday: what would you rather be: someone who’s had a number of boyfriends but didn’t last, or single since birth? I realized that my answer is still the latter, because as much as there’s so many experiences in having a lot of exes, I can’t imagine having to go through the hurt of breaking up and ending relationships over and over again. Maybe I’m being idealistic, but I’d really rather settle down when it’s with the right person than go through trial and error with wrong people, right?
So fruit that doesn’t last, or the one that lasts?
Besides, this sadness isn’t forever, ergo, the waiting shouldn’t be forever, too, right? I mean, Jesus did promise that our mourning will turn into joy:
I tell you for certain that you will cry and be sad, but the world will be happy. You will be sad, but later you will be happy. (John 16:20)
Happy thoughts for the weekend. :)
Moving on from all the election news (because frankly, I’m getting tired of it, but I still have something to say, but that’s for another entry)…let me take this moment to honor a friend.
So we met almost two years ago, but I didn’t really get to talk to her until we realized you sat near my workstation. Our first real project together was Valentine’s 2008, where we both lost sleep over collecting money, and time to work because we had to organize a lot of other things for that event. That was the start of our friendship, which extended from club to work to everything else in between. We were together almost everyday even if our shifts were different, and you were always there to reply and comfort and give me back rubs whenever I was having a breakdown (which, I realized, was actually often).
We traveled to places together, planned trips, went shopping for swimsuits and urban clothing, confessed, heard mass, prayed, read books and had a lot more in our lists. We dreamed of families, of ideal guys and being great friends regardless of relationship status. We lived far away from each other, and even if you resigned,we never let that let that stop our friendship from growing.
You know I’m going to miss you, right?
Here’s to your trip, to your job hunt, and your dreams. It’s not going to be the same without you being one text, one call away (well, you have roaming, but you get what I mean), but our friendship doesn’t have to change even if we’re not in the same country. I’m going to be here to support you in whatever makes you happy or successful (preferably, both), and like what Gel said, who said we can’t visit you there? :)
Here’s to you, girl friend. Have a safe trip, Cors! I’ll see you in Facebook, Twitter and the occasional text. :)
I feel very Filipino today, can you guess why?
In case you’re living under a rock, today is election day for the Philippines. Today, we elect our leaders for the next six years. Today is also the day where we get to see the automation of the elections, which everyone has been talking/writing/discussing about for months and months now.
I finished voting about an hour ago. The entire voting process took about 5 minutes, but waiting took 3 hours. Here are some observations:
- There seems to be more people voting today. I don’t have a point of comparison since it’s my first time to vote, but my mom who was with me, told me there were more people there. No complaining on the crowds here, because a huge crowd meant more votes, which means more people are getting involved.
- Knowing your precinct and your cluster number before you line up is going to help. Seriously, it would help you a lot! I made sure I knew our precinct last night, and so when we asked around, it was easier to know. Don’t forget to ask for your sequence number when you check your cluster, so it’s easier to find you.
- Bring something to get your mind off the waiting. Waiting for three hours isn’t easy. Good thing my mom’s friends were there and I had a book to read while waiting. This is the perfect time for you to make a dent in that book you’ve been planning to read or need to finish.
- Patience! What’s three or so hours of waiting if it means 6 years of a better country? Smile as you wait, make friends with the people on the line. :) It’s hot, yes, and it may feel like you’re in a place with no furnace filters, but it’s just one day out of the year, for our country, it’s worth the sacrifice, right?
- The PCOS machine looked…well, cool. It may be the geek in me that rejoiced when I saw the machine. But it was cool. One step to making things easier for us, I hope?
- Be careful with shading. A note of warning: the ballots are kind of thin, and some of the marks you make on one side will be seen on the other side. It didn’t affect my ballot, but still, better be careful, right?
- I couldn’t breathe until I see “Congratulations!” on the PCOS screen. One guy went out after he voted and said that there were no rejected ballots in our room so far. I didn’t want to be the first one, so I was extremely careful while shading. My hands get sweaty at the most inopportune times, so I was careful to put my hand on my hanky so it won’t leave marks on the ballot! So I put it in the machine and it felt like forever before the machine told me the ballot was accepted. Then I breathed normally. :P
I’m pretty lucky to be in a municipality that isn’t really hot in the elections. It was quiet, and it was actually nice to see some of our neighbors and old high school classmates out. :)
And also I guess people were expecting a faster voting process, but remember, what they only automated is the counting, not the actual voting! If this is successful (or somewhat successful, one can hope :p), maybe they should work on making searching the names and places faster? Like putting everything in a centralized database so it’s computerized and it’s faster to find your name and all. Of course, precincts in the far-flung provinces might not get to use that…but then, whoever gets to be the next president can hopefully do something about that, right?
Now all we can do is wait and watch and pray for the rest of the day and for the results.
It’s a pretty successful voting experience for me, and I hope it gets better for others. Truth be told, I almost didn’t want to go later because I felt lazy, but I’m glad I did. I’m glad that even if I was just one person out of millions of voters, I did my part. :) How about you? Will you do yours?
It’s Friday, and I’m facing another long weekend, but somehow, I don’t feel like this weekend is going to be relaxing. Sure, I’ll be meeting my friends tonight, I’ll be working out tomorrow and it’s Mother’s Day on Sunday, but Monday is a whole new ball game.
Monday is the day when changes will happen. I don’t know if it’s for the good, but I’m pretty sure changes will happen.
I admit to being apathetic in the past few years. Truth be told, I used to not care at all, and I avoid reading newspapers or listening/watching news because I don’t care about giving an opinion or even just having an opinion about something that I can’t even defend, or I can’t even really understand fully. I suck at debates like that, so I avoid it, and in the process, I avoid anything that happens to talk about the society. Sure, I volunteer for Gawad Kalinga, I sponsor a kid in World Vision…but government issues? Politics? Who’s the next best leader? I’d rather research about the best weight loss drinks in the market. Seriously, get me out.
That’s one of the reasons why I chose not to vote in the last presidential elections. I didn’t even register, because I felt like my vote would just be wasted. Besides, it’s my choice not to vote, right? There’s no one deserving of my vote, anyway.
All that changed last year. I guess you could say this one side of me woke up, and I decided to start doing something, even if it’s just in my own small way, to help the country. The first time I felt that tug was when Former President Cory Aquino passed away. That was enough for me to actually go and be a registered voter, because I was born when she was president and was restoring democracy, and well…it’s a big thing. The second time I felt the tug — and a stronger one, this time — was when Ondoy hit. I talk about this all the time, but it really changed my life. I’ve explained it in this entry in detail, but I quote:
The point is, because of the flood, I’ve learned to care even more. I am determined to make my vote count, and to make sure I use my power to do my best to help put the right person in the positions in 2010.
With all these election talk, issues, campaign jingles (that have been driving me nuts, really) and posters, it’s kind of hard to believe that Monday will (hopefully) end all that. On Monday, we will all cast our votes, in hopes of electing the right people into the positions of power in our government. I may be one person out of millions of voters, but a vote is a vote, and it’s powerful. It may be highly improbable for two candidates to have only a vote in difference…but it’s only improbable, not impossible. My vote is that important, and in a way, it’s kind of scary.
But as I said, I care, and I am determined to make my vote count. This is probably the one of the few election-related posts I’ll be doing on this blog (the other one will probably be after the elections itself). I avoid these things because I hate having political discussions on my blog, and I still have to scrub off the years of apathy that is still in me…but I have to start somewhere, so I’m going to take this chance to let all these out. So on Monday:
- Vote. I know some people who are not going to because they feel like their votes won’t count anyway, or they just don’t feel like it…but please, please change your mind and do. It’s your right, and it’s one of the most concrete ways that we can make a difference in this country.
- And if you’re voting, vote for the right people. Don’t just vote for someone because they’re nice, or because they’re the most popular in the survey or because they’re the lesser evil and you don’t want the other one to win. Vote for the right people, the ones who are capable, who can face adversity head on, and can knock some sense into us. Read platforms, look at credentials, at track records. Read between the lines, don’t focus on the ads and promises they say on TV or radio. Being a leader is not an easy job, and we need a leader who is strong, who can do what needs to be done to bring this country up. I don’t really care if you’re yellow or green or red or whatever color you carry, but do make an informed and educated choice on Monday.
- Pray. I know not everyone believes in God, but if there’s one day when you choose to pray to whoever you believe in, make it this day, on election day. Pray for a peaceful, bloodless and successful elections. Pray for the whoever handles the ballots, pray for the machines, pray for our country. There’s no harm in doing so, and to all who share the same faith as I do, we all know that prayers can move mountains. :)
And if you’d like to know, yes, I have chosen my president and vice president, and a handful of senators. I’m still researching for my senators, party list, and other local government positions, so I’m going to take my free time this weekend to do just that.
It’s time for a change. God bless the Philippines.
I’m on day shift again this week, so my gym schedule is back to after work. I don’t mind, except that it’s kind of a hassle to go to work in proper work clothes and end up sweating because of the heat. But oh well, I’m used to it, I think. Better the heat than the floods, right?
So last night, I got home a few minutes before ten, and I managed to catch a few minutes of TV before getting a late dinner. My mom arrived, then, and it was just in time for Pinoy Big Brother Teen Clash of 2010. Last night’s episode was about Shey’s eviction, and Tricia’s reaction to what she found out about nomination conspiracy against her. I didn’t really have much information on what happened in the past three weeks because I barely had the time to watch, but I do know that most people don’t like Tricia, and they really want her out (but of course, she still gets the most votes every week since she’s been nominated — familiar much? Hello, Wendy?).
I was fixing dinner when my mom said, “Kawawa naman si Tricia.” (Poor Tricia.)
All I said in reply was, “Eh masama naman daw talaga ugali ni Tricia eh.” (Tricia really has a bad attitude)
To which my mom replied, “Eh pwede naman nila sabihin sa kanya yun.” (They could have told her about it)
I didn’t have a snarky reply to it after, because truth be told, it made me think. I always prayed about being loving, about holding my tongue and stopping myself from being judgmental or saying things about people because I’m just as dirty and sinful as the next person. I’m not saying I don’t say anything bad about another person because it’s a lie; I’m saying I try. I try to be more loving even if I don’t feel like it, I try to hold my tongue, I try to do what Jesus would do.
Last night’s conversation about someone on TV made me think: how far should this effort to be loving extend to? I remember back in college, Tuesday shared in a household that she prayed to be more loving to everyone she meets — from the person in the library that she barely knows to her closest friends. I understand that…but what about TV personalities? Actors? Actresses? People in reality TV shows? I mean, yes, they’re put in a controlled environment, and we are only shown what the producers/directors want to show to make the ratings go higher (so they can get better life insurance online quote? Just kidding :) ), but they are still people too. People who need love, even if it’s from a complete stranger like me.
I’ve been mulling over this early this morning as I commuted to work, and honestly, I still don’t have an actual, concrete answer. Except that I know that if I were in their place, I wouldn’t want people to judge me for whatever they are only seeing on screen. I couldn’t even take it when people stick to their first impressions and have no room to change their minds, what more if we never really had a chance to talk?
I guess…the pursuit of being loving, of being a true follower of Christ is really not just limited to the people near me, but really to everyone. It’s not a new thing, come to think of it. Last night’s short conversation with my mom reminded me that…and told me to be more careful with my judgments and my words. Yes, even with TV personalities.
After all, actors and actresses (and reality TV contestants) are people, too.
I’ve been out all weekend, and while it’s already winding down, I feel like I’ve been out all week. And again, I’m using bullets because I’m too tired to make actual, coherent paragraphs to discuss my week.
- Last weekend I went to the beach. Hello, Puerto Galera! It was a hot and fun weekend, but not without the stress of planning. I guess I was also extra bitchy then because I was about to have my period…so I’m sorry to everyone I snapped at. :( But yes, being in the beach was fun, and it was a nice getaway, even if it was just overnight. I plan to make an even more proper post, and I hope I get to write that soon.
- I caught the blues middle of the week, and I blame my period. Bow.
- Met up with a couple of friends over the week! Marvs and Cors on Wednesday, Marvs again on Thursday, then Cors and Toni on Friday. It was fun, even if it meant going home a bit too late every night and spending a bit, too.
- I spent the long weekend with my family. Saturday, I was with my mom and brother while we waited for my dad at the airport (while watching One More Chance, wohoo!), then dinner at House of Minis. Saturday, I was with my mom and dad at the province, and then today, I was with my parents all day to buy last minute stuff for my dad.
- I miss my dad arleady. :( And he’s still at the airport, waiting for his flight back to Saipan.
- Toni, my best friend, is already on the plane on the way to UK. I’m going to miss that guy, but I know he’ll be back soon enough.
- People are leaving left and right, and I’m kind of sad. :( I can’t do anything about it, though, except spend more time with the people I love before they leave.
- Elections next week! I’m not yet done wth choosing my Senators or my party list or anything else. I have my president and vice president already; how about you?
- Back to day shift this week, which is good because I won’t have to go under the heat of the sun to go to work. Gym at night, after the rains, too, so yay.
- I have a lot of writing to do this week — not as easy as writing resumes, but I bet it’s going to be enjoyable.
- Can you see how I’m just rambling and rambling here now?
I should stop and get some late dinner and get ready for bed. I promise to write more this week. I have too many things to write about.
Oh, one last thing. Anyone who knows where I can get a Belkin Sport Armband Plus for iPod Touch 2G here? I need one before May 30 — it’s so hard to find a nice armband for my iPod…and I’m a fan of Belkin, so I’m kind of willing to spend. :P
Have a great week everyone. :)
