So. The “obligatory” Valentine’s Day post.
I slept at 4:00am this morning because we were fixing stuff for IBM Club’s flower delivery today. I’ve never been so stressed for Valentine’s Week, and this certainly tops everything. I’ve been up to my ears with EVERYTHING, and I’ve snapped one too many times at too many people because I’ve got too many things to do and other people are just too busy doing other things and I really shouldn’t let that bother me, but it does. How about that for spreading the love?
So if you see my YM status for today, it’s me reminding myself to be patient: I will love the people I find hard to love. Even if it kills me. Happy heart’s day! @};-
Sooo…on the subject of Valentine’s Day. As opposed to last year’s V-day, this year is a bit…no, not sadder…just a bit less happy than I want to be. I wish I could say I’m not bitter about all these Valentine’s hoopla, but to be honest, I am. Just a bit. It’s like what I said here, I was processing serenading requests and flower requests and as much as I don’t want to think about it, I can’t help but wonder if someone got something from me. Not from anyone in particular, but just someone. Anyone. A friend, a teammate, whoever. It’s not that I am asking for anything expensive like a plasma cutter…a simple flower will do. Or chocolates. Heh. But I ended up fixing all flower orders and no, my name wasn’t there. Except when I decided to buy some flowers. Who are those flowers for? No, not for myself, but I might just end up keeping one. Hah. Kidding. Oh, but my dad gave me flowers last night…thanks Pa! :D
The entire “feeling” almost made me regret that I ever suggested the idea when we were brainstorming for Valentine’s activities for the club. It made me wonder about the reason why I didn’t really care last year — was it because I really did not care, or because there was nothing like this to care about and wish for? Ah yes, all neurotic thoughts come in at this time of the year.
Yesterday as I walked to work, I was talking to myself about dealing with Valentine’s. I don’t hate the holiday, really. I know I’m just looking at it the wrong way — focusing on all the commercialization, and wishing to receive things that I could just give to people instead. Did that make sense? I hope so. I did a mental backtrack and remembered the decision I made a almost six months back: to take responsibility over my heart. And I quote:
Similarly, maybe it’s time for me to take responsibility over the matters of the heart. It’s not that I would get into one relationship after the other, or start being so flirty to every guy I meet…but basically stopping myself from using God as a scapegoat when I feel like I start to like someone. Maybe it’s time for me to start taking care of my own heart, not just leaving the job up to God alone. Time to get to know my own heart, and all that jazz. Because, as the quote I posted above said, I can’t be trusted with another’s heart until I can be trusted with mine.
This is my first Valentine’s Day where I am “responsible” for my heart. I knew it wouldn’t be easy, but what is easy anyway? :P Valentine’s day is all about love, and I think one of the things I should learn today is to love myself, with or without a special someone. I never admitted this, but I always felt inferior with all the girls who received tons of flowers and gifts on February 14. I always felt like there’s something lacking in me, which is why I don’t receive anything. I’m not pretty, not popular, not lovable, not thin, not “delicate”, not mahinhin, not (insert adjective here) enough to be remembered on Valentine’s day. That is the ultimate cause of my bitterness, which I only admitted to myself now.
If there’s anything that I do not have enough of, it’s love for myself. Yes, I’ve always had that in some sense, but I don’t think I really believed it as much as I should. I tell myself I’m a princess, I’m beautiful, but I don’t think I really believed that. Yes, I may be pretty, but someone else is always prettier. And while yes, that may be true in the twisted sense that we all perceive beauty now, more truth is in the saying that everyone is beautiful. But I forget that a lot of times because I allowed myself to. Like what they say, beauty is in the eye of the beholder, and the beholder would not see any beauty in a person if that person doesn’t see it herself. Or even himself.
On my 21st Valentine’s day as a single, I will deliver flowers with a smile. I will greet people without bitterness. Most of all, I will love — everyone I meet, the people I find hard to love, and most especially myself. I will learn to see the beauty in others and most especially in myself, because if I can’t see that and believe in that, no one else will.
And someday, I believe someone special will see that too. But…let’s not get to that now. ;)
Happy Valentine’s Day everyone. ♥