Okay, after yesterday’s very emotional entry…I think I’m better now. Nothing thatÂ Strawberry Oreos can’t fix. Or not.
I’ve got half the mind to post about comfort food…but that will just make me hungry, so let’s skip that.
I know. I’ll post more about what really transpired yesterday. In a more positive note this time.
Early this morning, I prayed again. It’s not that I don’t pray at all…I just don’t pray as much as I used to and need to and want to. I’m not proud to admit that, but I admit it because it’s better to admit that I struggle rather than pretend everything is fine, right?
So this morning I prayed again, and I prayed for my heart. It’s not that I don’t pray for my heart either…it just somehow gets pushed to the end of the “Things I Pray For” list. Maybe it’s just because I was brought up to not prioritize my love life first, but focus on the “more important” things: school, career, family, other things. I have never spoken it out loud, but I’ve always found the topic of love life to be some sort of a taboo: it’s something that I really shouldn’t talk about, or focus on too much, or else other people will think that I’m (a) bitter or (b) desperate. Or both.
But of course, I can’t stop talking about it. It’s like a drug, or at least, very hot gossip: whenever someone asks me how I am, the first thing that pops into my mind is the state of my love life. Or lack thereof.
And that’s the thing: there’s nothing happening. Nothing of substance, everything is damn circumstantial, that I’m not even supposed to talk about it. Or, talking about it really just intensifies whatever infatuation there is, and then everything blows over and I’m left with crushed expectations. Then again, crushes are crushing, so I shouldn’t expect more, right?
What’s very frustrating with this fact is when it seems like everyone else around me is in their own happy relationship worlds. I don’t resent them for that, really, and I am also happy for them, but it doesn’t change the fact that it sucks to be the third, fourth, fifth wheel. It doesn’t change the fact that at one point during the day, they will all choose to be with their significant others rather than with me. I don’t blame them for that, and honestly, I think I’d probably do the same. But it doesn’t change the fact that it sucks for the single people.
Where was I? Oh yeah.
Thing is, I prayed for my heart for the first time in I don’t know, months? I asked for forgiveness for allowing myself to succumb to bitterness and envy with other people’s relationships. I asked for the courage and strength to be patient. I asked for the grace to be contented with what I have, and to trust in God’s timing. Because, really, what else can I do?
The word patience suddenly takes on a whole new meaning. I mean, back in college I used to pray for patience too, but I never really understood it as well as I do now. Back then I used to pray for patience because I wanted to be in a relationship even if I’m not supposed to be in one yet (not like there was anyone who was interested in that way, anyway harhar). Now that I am “legal”, I need to pray for patience once again because…well, like I said, I see no sign of anyone interested in the horizon. Y’know?
Depressing? Sometimes it is, especially when I happen to think about that while it’s raining cats and dogs and/or when it’s almost the time of the month. But I could choose to wallow in it (which I did yesterday), or I could choose to think positively, and surrender my loneliness to God who can satisfy me more than anyone else can, and can do more with what I have than I can ever do.
If someone prays for patience, you think God gives them patience? Or does he give them the opportunity to be patient? (Evan Almighty)