So me, a leader. I’ve been a leader in a lot of ways before. I’d like to use the term “leader” by definition at this part of the blog. Based on my dictionary on Aslan, a leader is the person who leads or commands a group, organization, or country. I was almost always nominated as a leader of groups or voted as class officer when I was in elementary and high school. Not to brag, but I was one of the top students back then, and in a way, people then automatically equate that once you’re in the class’ top 10, you’re also a good leader.

In a way, I reveled in that power. I liked being the leader because it gives me a certain authority over some people. I liked it that people trusted me enough to, well, lead them to the desired outcome. I liked being a part of planning committees and student councils because it helps me not just be one of the people but someone who matters. And — I didn’t really know this back then — I liked being a leader because it gives me control over whatever situation I was in. I may not be able to control the people, but at least I have a bigger hold in the situation, and that’s always good, right?

When I became a YFC leader, things changed. Not immediately, of course, but more during college. I suddenly felt the pressure of having to be a role model for the people I am with, especially my household. In a way, the younger members looked up to me not only as the VP for Documentations bu also as a household head and someone they can turn to if they need a prayer, so I had to be extra strong in a lot of ways. Case in point: there was a time when I was so tempted to cut one of my classes just because I didn’t feel like going and I just wanted to hang out at the tambayan. I was agonizing over it, and was weighing the pros and cons of cutting the said class, and then I saw one of the younger members looking at me as if waiting for my decision and he was actually considering cutting his class too. Talk about a slap of reality and accountability.

In YFC, I was taught that to be a leader, I had to know how to follow. I had to know how to be a servant, because in being a servant, I lead. Weird, I know, but it makes sense (and that’s another post for me to explain that). I was taught to take care of the hearts of the people I was entrusted with, to be one of their lines of defenses from life. I was taught that I was a front liner in this battle that we, as Christians, are all in. We are the ones the world sees first, and the ones who carry the name of Christ higher than the rest just because we are leaders. I felt and lived those teachings, and when you do that often enough, it sort of becomes easy. When your heart gets a beating for another person, you’d think you can do anything really. ;)

When I started working, it’s very, very different. I admit to being a very relational person, and I liked having people to not only work with but be friends with too. I thought I had the edge of being a people manager better because of my YFC leader training, that handling people at work would just be like how I handle my household…but of course it’s not.

I’ve been a back up team lead for the past five months and there were a lot of moments that I wished I wasn’t. That I could be just another employee who’s satisfied with her position, not aspiring to step up and enlarge my territory. It’s like when a cashier who’s held a barcode scanners all her life and then offered a position to own the store instead of being one of the worker ants. Okay, it’s not exactly that way here, but you get my drift — it’s really a new territory. I’ve seen how much my team lead works, and how many issues he has to deal with, how many people he has to deal with on a daily basis…and seeing me in his position makes me wonder how will I do the same things he does (and still have time for myself)? It’s hard to have to always think on your feet and to deal with the mountains of emails he gets while I’m just a back up…what more if/when I become a team lead too? Can I do it? Can I be as strong as he is, not cracking under pressure? What’s more, my three-day training showed me the reality of how much employees expect things from their bosses, and it’s really crazy to think of having to fulfill all those. It’s almost downright scary. It makes me wonder why in the world I ever wanted to be in that position?

The comforting thing about this is…one, my company is there to support me all the way once I get into that position and two, well, people believe in me. I know all that sounds all too warm and fuzzy…but the three day training has inspired me to be a better leader. To be a leader in the truest sense of the word. And the training has made me believe that somehow, I can be the leader that they expect me to be, and I only need to find the strength within me.

Ah, this post feels so…idealistic and trying-to-be inspiring, I’m not used to it anymore. ^^; But I’m glad for the training because I really did realize a lot of things about me and the people around me. And by God’s grace, I pray that I may be the best leader He wants me to be, be it with the team I work with now or a new team or even wherever else He wants to bring me. :)

Summers used to be filled with YFC activities. I remember back in summer before fourth year high school, the moment I got back from the International Leader’s Conference in Cebu (ah the memories!), we were already starting to plan for the youth camp for the summer. There were lots of meetings going on, with venues to visit and dates to pick and participants to recruit. I was hardly home during the week because of meetings and fellowships — sometimes it feels like my YFC friends and I live in a single class A motorhome as we were always together. Every. Single. Day.

Fun times.

And then comes the challenging days, the days nearing the camp. There’s finalizing the venues and the dates, making sure that the camp wouldn’t coincide with other camps by other chapters in the cluster because you were expected to support the other camps and how can you support if you’re having camps at the same time? There’s the challenge of finding qualified speakers and ideas of how to make the talks interesting with creatives. There’s asking help from the parental units to fund the food. There’s the feeling of despair as we convince people we know and random strangers to go to the camp. And finally, there’s the anticipation of preparing for the camp, both physically, emotionally and spiritually. There are people who would mysteriously get sick before the camp, people who would fight with each other before the camp and people who found it harder to pray as the camp date gets nearer (I’ve experienced all three).

Finally, camp! The team leaders and the camp servants (the heads of the camp) would arrive at the camp earlier to set things up. They’d pray with each other and pray over the place, prepare all the other things while waiting for the other people — most especially the participants — to arrive. Later in the afternoon, people would start arriving, and everything becomes a flurry of activities after that. The facilitators would be asked to accompany the participants and make them feel at home, the team leaders would welcome the speaker, the camp servants would make sure everything is in place. The participants would all start off being timid, sitting my themselves or with their friends with no idea what will be happening for the next three days.

And then. The first talk. The groupings. The first discussion. And then the team meeting after all the participants are all in bed. The next day, a long day. The service team are up early to meet, to prepare, to get ready. The day is filled with three talks, with discussion group after the first one, followed by a one on one session with the second one and a long afternoon break. The afternoon break can be filled with workshops if time permits, but if there’s none, it’s a time for everyone to bond and rest. And then dinner, and finally, the night.

The night where everything changes for both the service team and the participant. I believe no camp is ever the same, and the second night is always the one that tells you what is different from the other one. For the oldies, this night reaffirms everything that you have worked on, everything that you believed in and you see how God is truly victorious. For newbies, the second night is the night that really makes one feel what it is to be a YFC member. And finally, for the participant, the second night is the night where they are given a chance to get to know God better, the entire point of the weekend.

Sunday. The last day. Everyone suddenly seems closer to each other than before. Everyone’s tired, but everyone has some weird energy. Eventually, the participants, now YFC members, go home, carrying with them memories of a weekend that didn’t turn out to be waste after all, and new friends who they’d be seeing again quite soon. The service team go home, tired but spiritually high with the events of the weekend. And then it’s over.

I miss that. When college came, I wasn’t able to have summer camps, but instead, camps in the middle of the year. Which was okay, because I get to experience camps in the middle of the year. Tiring, yes, but very fulfilling.

What’s weird, though, and the thing that made me remember all of these is that it always seems to rain whenever we have a camp. Be it in the middle of the summer or in the middle of the year, it always rains during the second day. I remember being drenched in the rain as we prepared for the second night. We were all ready to get sick, but it was good times. :D

I miss that, very much. My goal is to visit one camp sometime soon, and I hope I still know some people when I visit that camp. :P The price you pay for being an oldie, heh.

So to all YFCs who are having camps right now, God bless you all! :) May you all make God smile with what you do. :)

Hearing about the Virginia Tech Massacre reminded me of Columbine, and reading about what happened, seeing news about it brings tears to my eyes. There are many possible reasons why this happened; people could debate over the killer’s background, his attitudes and whatnot, but I think — and I know some of you might not agree with me — that the reason this happened is a God thing. Or lack of it. Not that God wasn’t there or He let this happen because He wasn’t looking or because He wants to punish people because no one is noticing Him, so He took the side of the killer in this event…rather, it was the lack of actually living out God’s love.

I am not saying this to judge anyone, and nor to blame anyone that “They should have done this,” so and so. The killer may have been really mentally ill, really angry, or maybe, he just “lost the last of his light.” Let me once again quote a Joan of Arcadia quote I posted before, which was also an episode about an “almost” school shooting:

Observation is a more powerful force than you could possibly reckon: the invisible, the overlooked, and the unobserved are those that are most in danger of reaching the end of the spectrum. They lose the last of their light. From there, anything can happen.

News says he was a loner, that he had no friends. I don’t know why and maybe he chose to be that way. Maybe people did try to reach out to him, but he didn’t respond to their warmth. Maybe he pushed them away, or maybe people didn’t really care about this one person. It could be anything. The thing is, he lost his light, and true enough, something happened.

Like I said, I’m not pointing fingers at anyone; I just got thinking. We don’t know why this happened, and we certainly don’t know why God let this happen. I know it’s not easy, and I know I will never be able to comprehend how much it must hurt for all the people who lost their loved ones in this massacre. I know most people are now asking why. In the same way, last weekend, I faced an accident of someone I am not close to but I am sort of assigned to “take care of”. And in that moment, I found myself crying and asking Him why He let that happen right after the ILC. Why then, why to him, why me? Why can’t it be when I am not there? A friend told me not to ask why, because I will never get the answer until I get there to where God is, but to ask what. What can I do now? What can we do now, after all these happened?

Pray is one thing. We can pray for all the people who suffer loss, and also for all the lives affected by this. We can pray for the schools, we can pray for whoever else may be losing their light. But let’s take it one step further: let’s try to see those who are in the farther end of the spectrum. Let’s see people who feel unseen. Let’s not just say hi to them in passing, but actually talk to them. Listen to them. Befriend them. They don’t have to be a part of your group, you don’t have to hang out with them 24/7, but be a friend. Show you care. And most of all, love. In those simple gestures, by just being “present” in other’s live, we will not only alter the life of that person we befriend, but also the lives of many others who may be affected once this person loses his light.

Refine Me will be joining the One Day Blog Silence on April 30, 2007, as a tribute the victims of this tragedy.

Father, we will never know why all these happened until we join You, but I ask for Your grace to be poured upon all the grieving hearts — to all family members, relatives and friends who lost their loved ones in this tragedy. Comfort them in this difficult time, Lord. Carry them in Your arms, keep them close to You. Still their hearts and souls Lord God, that they may see You in the midst of all the pain and trust that You know. May You give us the strength to notice the people at the end of the spectrum, that we may be able to truly reach out to them that they may feel loved and see You in us. Amen.

I found this entry while blog-hopping and it’s very interesting: Just Like Me by The Centuri0n. Let me quote this striking line:

We don’t want to admit it, but the truth is this: we are really like this disturbed kid who shot up his college campus in type, even if it is not in degree.

Read the rest of the entry here.

So Thursday, I fixed my things and my mom (I love you!) dropped me off at the meeting area. As I said, I was nervous because I have no idea who I will be with. I met some of the people who arrived who are basically my “younger generation” since they all came from my chapter. The other people came, and it was time to leave. I rode a jeep together with other people in my chapter, some Napico kids and the SIGA who I was supposed to watch over together with Tita Precy, their couple coordinator.

Can I just say that it’s a LONG ride to Naga? As in LOOOOONG. Since we were riding an aircool jeep with not-so-soft seats instead of an airconditioned bus with cushioned seats, the ride was well, butt-hurting. Plus the wind was constantly in our face and hair that I know it all accumulated several layers of dust during the travel. Traveling at night time is even different: it’s dark and cold. We all had to figure out ways how to be comfortable without messing with the other riders and to stop your butts from hurting from sitting because of the 10-12 hours of travel. It was a fun because people actually lied down on the floor to get some sleep, while some of us bundled ourselves with jackets and blankets so we won’t freeze.

Twelve hours later, we got to the Naga Sports Complex. Then we went to Penafrancia Resort to meet with our sector and to get our IDs before heading to the accomodations. We got there, saw some people and our cluster-mates who were staying in the resort told us we could take a bath there before going to our accomodations. So bath we did — thank You Lord!

After that, we went to our accomodation. Us girls were staying in a school classroom, and HALLELUJAH, THERE WAS A BATHROOM! It wasn’t as posh-looking as I wanted it too — it’s actually a bit diry looking — but it is a functional bathroom with water! Praise God!

We went back to the venue for lunch, then since we’re not doing anything, we went around the venue for a while. We checked out the booths, saw some people we know and took pictures (of course). I was looking for the Campus people, so we went around the field to look for them but ended up taking more pictures. :P

Since Globe is our major sponsor, I just had to take a picture with this!

For those who know where I work, this is a total hoot. :) I want to make this a wallpaper at the office. :P

Anyway, around 3, we sat on the field to save our space for the night’s sessions. Took some more pictures, watched some practices, bought GK 1MB CDs where my friends Greg and Ivan were. There were some politicians spotted: Joker Arroyo, Manny Villar’s wife (who is also a member of CFC), Koko Pimintel, Noli de Castro and Mike Defensor (who Niki got to embrace). There was the oh-so-funny GK Haka, which Fr. Paul (is that his name?) made which was so funny to see especially when the politicians were doing it. :P

Niki and I went around after a while because Prince texted me and told me they were already there. A little while later, I finally saw my beloved YFC-DLSU people! I swear, I missed these people! I saw some Central C ((formerly South A)) people too, such as Tita Malu and Aiza. I was so happy to see them that I started crying! I missed them that much!

After greeting everyone, Bung and I went outside to buy water and talk for a while, and we saw some more people we know and then we went back inside because it was already dinner time. I went back to my group and then came the presentations and the talks.

The talks, as always were amazing. I kind of had a feeling that the talks won’t affect me in a personal way because it’s more on GK and nation building, but boy was I wrong. Kuya Luis’ first talk, Lupang Pangako, ((Read: Promised Land)) talked about how much YFC has been blessed, and how we can strengthen the community more. I found it funny when he talked about God’s plan and how we should hope in Him and when God calls, just say YES. I was especially hit when he said:

Plan your careers based on God’s plan. Plan your career where you have enough time to help…if you just plan to earn and earn and then help, then you’re not right soldier for the army.

Full hit!

Sponge Cola played that night, much thanks to Globe. We went back to the school to sleep and rest. The next morning, I woke up and opened the door to Ate Cherry, who was my other SFC sister who would help us with the SIGA. I was the first one who took a bath, which I really thank God for because after the second one finished taking a bath, we ran out of water.

We got breakfast, ate and then headed over to Naga City Market to buy souvenirs and pasalubong. I got lots of pili nuts and a slipper for Bea. We went back to the venue for lunch, and the other kids went to their respective workshops while Tita Precy, Ate Cherry and I rested and talked. The other SIGA joined us later and we had a food trip with them (fish balls and kwek kwek!) and a little while later, I met with Prince and we talked before going down for the mass.

We went back to the field to get read for the mass. While I was there, Gigie texted me and said she’d join me, and we met later on and heard the mass together. After the mass, we went outside to buy food (my treat) where we saw Bung, ate more food and then joined YFC-DLSU for dinner. I missed this girl so much! :) Look, we’re even wearing the same color. =)

After that it was talk time. Last year, they separated the high school aged YFC from the college aged. This year, they separated the brothers from the sisters. We had an all-sister worship and session. The talk was entitled Dakilang Lahi ((Read: Noble Race)) and the speaker looked just like Bea. :P She talked about how us sisters were made for greatness, but right now we are not living in that greatness because we have been unfaithful. It was a girl-power talk…wait, let me change that: it was a very Godchicks talk. :) It made me wish for the nth time that Tuesday and Bea were there. Hay.

The next talk was Bayanihan ng Kabataan ((Read: Heroism of the Youth. There’s no exact English word for Bayanihan, so heroism should do it, I guess)) by Kuya Cocoi. This is where he removed the focus from ourselves, the greatness of the work of GK and how everything about GK is great and pointed it to the right One who deserves all the praise and glory because without Him, none of the work would even be possible. He redefined bayanihan not only in GK means, but also as a YFC: to be a hero is to be holy, because when you are holy you go out of your way to serve other people and isn’t that what heroes do?

After that was a praisefest and then the last talk by Kuya Butch, Rebolusyon ng Pag-asa ((Read: Revolution of Hope)). This is the start of the revolution of hope, and to do so, we must Spark, fuel and live hope. He said some changes in YFC, and how the next years will be. It was an empowering talk, and it inspired me to really do more than I am doing right now. More for God, more for others. :)

There was the final worship, which cost me all my voice, then it was time to announce the winners and formally close the ILC. And guess where the 15th ILC is going to be? TAGAYTAY! I change my mind, my last ILC will be on the 15th; I want to go to Tagaytay with YFC!!!

After that, there was Rocksteddy brought by Smart, and after watching a few songs, we set off to go home. There was an accident with our kids (which I will talk about in the next post), and after a lot of tears, we ended up going home (without baths!) at 6:00am. I got home at 5:00pm, and we still had to fetch my mom from the mall. Then I rested and extended my rest until today, which is why I’m on sick leave. Yahoo.

Message-wise, the ILC was amazing as always. Though I can’t help but compare it a bit with the Davao ILC, this one had a different kind of charm with it — not exactly my kind of charm, but still a charm and lots of lessons that I think everyone in the community must learn.

So it’s not exactly the best weekend ever, but I got my share of lessons. I’m pretty sure I matured for this weekend, and that’s always good, right?

Part 2 would be more serious, if not somewhat…er, angry. Okay, make it disappointed, a bit. But it’s good; after all, real faith is never comfortable, right?

Now to rest my hands, which has been typing since this morning. :P

My eighteenth year marked changes into my life, both external and internal. First off, I finally got the awaited laptop, Ginger, when I turned 18. There was a compromise for it though, because my dad had to go to Saipan to work. I started staying in a dorm because I couldn’t commute with my laptop, so started my “independent years.” I also fought with a friend, revealed something really embarrassing, went back to YFC, flew to two countries in a year and failed two subjects in school (although the second failure happened after I turned 19, but it was coming before my 19th birthday).

My eighteenth year helped me to own up and be responsible for my actions. Admittedly, I did a lot of stupid things when it started (and no, I don’t think I want to share it anymore :P You may ask if you want to know), and I had to learn from it because it’s the only thing I can do with it. I also got closure that year, after what, almost two long years of, er, heartache. Harhar. :P But it was one of the biggest learning experience I’ve ever had. :)

My eighteenth year was the year I learned how to be independent — sort of. Dorming taught me how to budget my allowance, manage my newfound free time during the week, learn when to sleep ((Our bedtime was usually 2:00am at the dorm)) and learn how to get along with people 5 times a week who are not my family. I almost failed a subject because of my negligence ((Not going to classes just because I didn’t feel like it, not listening to the class because the prof is boring, etc — classic student stuff)), but recovered by posting reminders to myself that I should do. It worked, I passed. :P

This was the year I flew to two countries: first in Thailand, before my dad went to Saipan for work, and then to Saipan/Guam for Christmas. It was my first time to ride a plane, and my first time to go out of the country. The Thailand trip was fun, but I didn’t really enjoy that much because of my being such a priss and my moodswings (but I really want to go back there — shopping man! Shopping in Thailand is a must! It’s not like Black Friday in the US, but still!). My Saipan trip was fun and the longest one I’ve been out of the country. It was nice spending Christmas with my family in another place, but I realized here that there’s no place like home. Christmas and New Year in any other place than the Philippines is no fun at all. I like the noise of the holidays here. ;) Through these trips I discovered how much I like traveling and how much I want to see the world. I want to go around the world and see all the wonderful sights that God created. :D

My eighteenth year was the year I found my way back to my community and ultimately, to God. I lied low for a while because I was preoccupied with school and my personal life that I wanted to “find myself” for a while. I guess I was burnt out — I went from member to leader for a short period of time that I never really felt how good it was to be a member and I never really knew God personally. I knew Him through YFC, but not with my heart. If it wasn’t for my good friend and sister Engel, who kept on bugging me that year until I finally gave in and talked to her, for Bea and Myka who kept on bugging me to go to the tambayan, for the others who welcomed me back in YFC, I wouldn’t be where I am right now. :) And like I mentioned, I got to know God again for the first time ever. I learned how to pray — to really pray — and to pray for others. In all my years in YFC, I think this is the only time I started growing spiritually.

This was also the year I formed new friendships and lost ((Although I am still praying that this is temporary)) friendships. I formed good friendships with my blockmates, roommates and people in neighboring dorms, and again, people in YFC. I lost a friend because of a petty reason, and this is where I learned how to really forgive from the heart, how to be a better friend and who my true friends are.

Finally, this was the year I started to really pray about my heart, my so-called love life. This was the year I seriously struggled, but continued to surrender it up to God.  It was hard, but I knew what I was doing is right and true. Learning experience and the start of something better and more wonderful than I could ever dream of. :)

Girls celebrate their 18th year with a bang, because it’s her “entrance to the world.” Or something like that. I agree. My eighteenth year certainly left me blown away, all ready to live life and to see what else God had in store for me for the next years of my life. :)

6 days to go!

Fifteen years into this Earth caught me in my last year of high school. Junior year ended okay, but I was ready to leave school for a summer filled with lots of YFC activities. Unlike my other friends who went for summer review classes for college entrance exams at AHEAD, I went off to different YFC activities all summer. I went to Cebu for the 8th YFC International Leader’s Conference, to Bataan for the KFC International Kids Village, led different youth camps, and had everyday bonding sessions with my YFC friends at this house. This was undoubtedly the busiest summer I’ve ever had, and most summer days weren’t spent at home. I would wake up at 10, go out at 2 and go back at around 10 to 11 at home. I did this every single day until the summer ended.

Then came senior year in high school, which is the best year I’ve ever had in high school. I was all set to make the most out of it since it’s my last year in high school. I could say that my section, St. Paul, is the best section among all, but of course that’s subjective. :p Our senior class was bonded mostly because we lost two of our classmates early in the year. They were caught with liquor during our field trip, and they were expelled. :( We promised our adviser that the remaining 33 in our class would all graduate together, and after that we were all doing our best to help each other up. :) And come graduation day, all 33 of us marched onstage proudly, remembering two of our classmates who didn’t make it with us.

My fifteenth year was also another year of…well, crushes. ;) Haha, I was so…fixated with this guy that everyone knew about it (I had the guts because the guy wasn’t in the same school :p) and I had a nickname for that. Yaaak. I had a really great set of friends who never tired of my ranting, though. ;)

I was also set to start college at this year too. I passed UP, ADMU and DLSU, but the one that thrilled me the most was the DLSU results, because DLSU has always been my dream school since junior year. :)

Oh, and before I forget! I started blogging at this year too. :) Well, actually, I started blogging before that, but it was deepened the next few months because I used it as my outlet. I loved maintaining my website and writing, and that was why I wanted to take up Computer Science in college.

My fifteenth year was the year I learned how to call on God, how to stretch myself a bit and that I can do anything once I put my mind and heart into it. I learned to call on God everytime, and I started to take little steps on my own to follow my dream. :) I was crush-sick again, but I learned a lot of lessons on it which I don’t think I would have learned if I didn’t go through it.

My fifteenth year was the year before I really started maturing. At least, I think so. I felt that being sixteen is the real start of the teen years, and being fifteen was my farewell. It was well-spent, and I will always remember my fifteenth year fondly. =)

9 days to go! 

Today, I went back to one of the loves of my life, GK.

Now before you go thinking that this is some boy, no, it’s not. If you’ve known me for a while, you would probably know what I would be talking about, but if not, GK stands for Gawad Kalinga. To give you a formal definition of what GK is:

Gawad Kalinga (GK) translated in English means to “to give care”, and it is an alternative solution to the blatant problem of poverty not just in the Philippines but in the world. GK’s vision for the Philippines is a slum-free, squatter-free nation through a simple strategy of providing land for the landless, homes for the homeless, food for the hungry and as a result providing dignity and peace for every Filipino.

The first time I visited a GK site was during my first Summer House Training (SHOUT) with YFC High School Based. One of our activities for the week was to visit a GK site. Back then, GK wasn’t really that big yet. We visited one of the biggest GK sites in Bagong Silang, Caloocan. At that time, all I thought about GK was like Habitat for Humanity or something like it — all building and such. So what I was really looking forward was the builds. But when I got there, I got to meet some of the kids, who were all soooo sweet. =) They stuck to us like glue, and I know some people had a life-changing experience because of the kids. It really didn’t matter that much to me yet, because I was just really doing it because I was a YFC leader and it’s expected of me.

Admittedly, I went to GK for the next couple of years because it was expected of me. My parents are CFC leaders, I was a YFC leader, I do outreach stuff in the Student Council, I was generally a good person who is supposed to do these things…and it was just right. I guess if you gave me a choice back then, I probably wouldn’t even go. I wasn’t really good with manual labor (although for some reason I like it), I’m not good with talking to new people and with kids. Especially with kids.

But how did I get back? It was that fateful summer of 2005, where I just decided to go with my newfound YFC friends in Dingalan, Aurora. I guess I decided to join that because I just failed my thesis proposal subject and I needed to do something different and new, something to take my mind off the failure and to enjoy my two weeks of summer before my internship started. To put it simply, that four days in the sunny and peaceful hills of Barangay Caragsacan, Dingalan, Aurora is one of the best summers I’ve ever had. It was there I fell in love with Gawad Kalinga.

After that summer, I dived right into GK. I immediately volunteered for GK DLSU, visiting GK Baseco and doing all sorts of stuff to get the GK DLSU Village launched. I was constantly talking about GK, inviting people, telling everyone about it. I would often get teary-eyed reading and hearing different stories of how people’s lives were affected. I believed in GK with all of my heart.

I guess in some way, I got burnt out after. :( After the big Lasallian GK Village launch last November, I got tired. I got so stressed in that activity, that after the entire event, I stopped showing up. Okay, I blame my absence also on my thesis, which ate up most of my time before college ended. The only major activity I went to again was another week at Dingalan, Aurora (which, again, was the best week of my life) but I hardly had time to go back. Major reason was probably the distance to the GK site. As much as I missed the place and my GK kids, I couldn’t go back.

My fault, I guess. I think it hit me then that I started loving GK because I saw other people love it and I was sort of forced to love it too. I followed the others in GK in their way, but not my way. I was kind of envious at all the stories of other people whose lives really changed in GK, while mine seemed to remain untouched. Don’t get me wrong; I believed in Gawad Kalinga, I know it works, but somehow, I didn’t seem to have the same passion that my other friends have. I wanted that. I wanted to feel the GK passion, my GK passion.

I guess my absence in GK moved me to think about myself and how I really wanted to help, why I really wanted to be a part of GK. I missed it: seeing all the people, the kids, the colorful houses, and the entire feeling of being in a GK site. I wanted to feel the goosebumps again, to be amazed at how God is working in GK.

Today, I got back to a GK site. Today was GK 1MB ((GK 1MB = Gawad Kalinga 1 Milyong Bayani. A call to bring 1 Million Heroes to volunteer and make GK their own personal lifestyle.)) day, and I got to visit the GK site in Karangalan, where my SFC friends were. I got to paint some grills for a house (my hands still have some paint on them :P), ate lunch with my hands on a big banana leaf with others, made friends with the little kid in this house where we painted (who gave me a flying kiss before I left) and saw different people rising up to the challenge of GK. It was inspiring. :)

The reason I’m writing this is because I think I might finally be finding my old GK groove. Or, make that the new GK groove, since this time, I am going to GK not because of friends who influenced me but because I knew it was something I wanted to do. I want to be under the heat of the sun, doing manual labor for other people for free, meet other heroes, and most especially, play with the kids. Promise, the kids make the entire experience, no matter how tiring, worth it. :)

I’m still figuring out how I’m really going to help GK, but I can definitely say that I’m definitely going back. :) I’m going to make GK a part of my lifestyle, and maybe eventually, GK is going to be my lifestyle. I can definitely say this now: GK 777: Kasali ako diyan!

Anyway, I’ll be out later to go to my aunts’ house in QC for a pre-New Year visit, so I’ll be doing this 2006 look back now. I’d upload pictures, but it seems like I won’t be able to…so I’ll just link lots of stuff and re-post pictures I have lying around the site.

So…2006 was a year of fulfilled (and still being fulfilled) promises. 2004 eventful, 2005 was quiet, and 2006 was a year where I believed in God’s promises for me and the people I love; and also a year where I learned to branch out a little bit. Without further a do…here’s the monthly look-back I love doing. :P

Oh, and before you click that, I warn you this is going to be a long entry. :P

JANUARY. I started the year with just my brother, since my parents were out of the country. We went to Robinson’s Galleria for lunch with his girlfriend and on our way home (well, my way, since they were just planning to drop me off there), we saw this:

It was the rainbow that affirmed me of God’s promise that He has everything in His control. That time, the thing I was mostly worrying about was thesis, and well, thesis! I had a consistent prayer time because I wake up early every morning at the dorm to pray before working on our thesis, and most of the times were spent inside the thesis room, programming, eating and laughing. We were on the verge of dropping thesis since everyone else seemed to be dropping, but we ended up sticking to it: FIGHT!

Thankfully, there was time for me to go to households and overnights for YFC, although there was this one overnight that got my heart broken in a few places because of something I was suspicious of and became jealous about. The theme song for the month was Take My Love by Shane & Shane, with me singing these lines to my heart:

I think I read I annot love the world and love You
Take my love and plant it deep where life is found in You…
Plant it in the heart of thee, I’m tired of trying to believe
I’ve worn out all my strategy,
There’s nothing I can do, Lord.

All in all, January was eventful.

FEBRUARY. February was even more thesis, seeing as the deadline was at the end of the month. There were, however, some welcome distractions, like the NTREPRE Valentine’s Bazaar where we sold Chicken ala King and shakes, which were a hit in the lobby, much thanks to Baban. I got to go to Divisoria for the first time because of this! Haha. There was also midterms, other subjects we had to tackle, and of course, we shouldn’t forget thesis. :P

Valentine’s Day this year was also subdued because we were all busy, although a small part of me is hoping that someone would give me something on that day (and I picked out what I wanted to give too: a mushy Moshimaro stuffed toy which was only P100, sold at the lobby during the bazaar). I ended up buying that for myself. Other than that, my mom arrived from Saipan, and I missed GK1MB because of the final thesis overnight at Rye’s house. We finished our thesis then. :P

As for lessons learned…there was this particular household that was my favorite among all our Execom households. It was held at The Old Spaghetti House, where Greg talked about dreams, and how God makes use of our experiences to make us who He wants us to be…and I quote (from a past entry):

…maybe I was asking for the wrong thing from God. Greg told us to follow Solomon’s example: ask God for the wisdom to understand what was happening in my life, and the wisdom to see what He wants our thesis to be. Like I said, I could just ask Him to make us pass, pronto, but then I wouldn’t be able to grow in Him. God isn’t really concerned with the result we produce; He’s more concerned of the process we go through. I figured I should ask for the wisdom to see where God wants me to arrive — not only with my thesis, but with my last term in college.
- me, February 6, 2006

Songs for the month would have to be God Only Knows by Joy Williams and Back to Me by Building 429:

You’ve had your fill of questions,
There’s so much that you need to know.
But I don’t blame you for asking,
But it’s time to let go of control.
I’m sorry for what you’re feeling,
please hold on to this hope.
- God Only Knows, Joy Williams

But the second song has a bigger impact on me seeing that it brought me through thesis:

When the world is closing in, you’re breaking down
You’re crying out but there is no answer
When you call, just close your eyes and know that
This twisted road eventually, is gonna lead you back to Me.
- Back to Me, Building 429

MARCH. Ah, I liked this month not only because of my birthday but there was so many victories in this month that it’s just amazing. First off was our EK testing for thesis. This was fun, although there was some kind of annoyance the day before it. That night, there came a very revealing moment that got me hurting until I got to the Animo Camp, but God was there for me all throughout. The moment I allowed myself to feel the emotions I have the right to feel, well, everything tumbled out in tears and I got out feeling so much better after.

Of course, I will not forget the day we passed our thesis defense! It was an early birthday present, and I believe God gave me a vision the month before because I saw the four of us getting out of the defense room, laughing. It was such a victorious moment, and then I realized how short my time in school is after. How about that!

Then there’s the 20th birthday, where God made me realize two things: (1) I’m not as patient as I thought I was; and (2) It’s not about me. Both are equally important, although the second one just snapped me out of “Why didn’t I have any birthday surprise from my YFC friends?” thoughts. Again, I quote:

Anyway, the second and most important lesson I learned yesterday is this: IT’S NOT ABOUT ME. To be totally honest, I was kind of expecting a surprise thingie done by my friends because, well, we do that to each other. Even if I was pushing it at the back of my mind, I was secretly hoping for an honest to goodness “I can’t believe you went through all this” kind of surprise. I wanted to receive a cake, flowers and get all the people I care for to be there with me for my birthday and hear all the nice things they have to say about me. After all, it’s MY day.

But it didn’t arrive. I got a different kind of “surprise”, which was cool, yeah. But I have to admit that I was disappointed. When I got back to the dorm, I was kind of expecting a hidden surprise there that my friends managed to set up, but there was still nothing. I pushed the disappointment away and just fixed my stuff to be ready for bed that night. Then I reached for my copy of It’s Not About Me by Max Lucado to read before I sleep. My eyes landed on the cover and I didn’t even turn a page when I was struck dumb with all I am thinking.

IT’S NOT ABOUT ME.

Even if it’s my birthday, it’s not about me. Even if it’s supposed to be MY special day, IT’S JUST NOT ABOUT ME. IT WAS NEVER ABOUT ME. How dare I ask for a surprise that honors me when my very existence in this earth is not about me, but about God?

The very thought led me to prayer and I thanked God for letting me realize what had happened that day for my birthday. God had taught me a very important lesson, not only in humility but also in the very reason of my existence. It was then I let go of my dream of having the perfect birthday surprise that I’ve been wishing to have, and the time when I fully accepted my role of being God’s mirror in this world. My birth is one of God’s works, and I am here to reflect His glory for others to see. I don’t need the surprise, I’ll be well and happy to just be able to reflect God’s goodness to other people. I don’t need people to honor me; I want them to honor the God who has been so gracious to let me live in this world. It’s not about me, it’s about Him.

Song of the month is From the Inside Out by Hillsong United, especially these lines:

Your will above all else, my purpose remains,
The art of losing myself in bringing You praise.

I am God’s mirror, made to reflect His glory. :)

APRIL. Unofficial goodbye to college! I got my final grades, and even if I didn’t make it to the Dean’s List, I was graduating! There were a lot of events for April. The month started with Bung’s debut, followed by the Metro Manila pep rally where I first heard God’s whisper in my heart on one of His callings for me. It came in the form of a song: “And I would give the world to tell Your story.” I know then that God wants me to write for Him, but the next question is, where? How?

Now one of my most memorable experiences for this year would have to be our Davao trip for the 13th YFC International Leader’s Conference. It’s been my dream to go to Davao since my first ILC, but the venue kept on changing, until it came this time, which, as I think of it now, was just perfect timing. It’s the perfect way to end my school years and transition into a new environment. Davao is HEAVEN. Literally, figuratively and spiritually. It was the best weekend of my life, even if I had only about eight hours of sleep for three days. The worships (10, as I counted), the food, the place, the people, the cheap fares, the talks, the prayers and the bonding we shared was just amazing. Oh, of course, the beach, and the durian. ;)

Yes, I love durian. Sue me. :P

That’s just the first part of April. We also had the first and last formal dance of the batch, The Senior’s Night at The Heritage Hotel. It was fun because dressing up was fun, and I didn’t mind not having a partner. The food was good, and I loved the company, so it was worth it. :D Goodbye, Catch 2t6! The dance got me looking forward to my first slow dance with my future GG, whoever he might be. :P

A few weeks after that, to end my April were two things: I started attending the SFC Christian Life Program, which was my transition into the new world God is bringing me into. It was funny how I got in, but I know it was all God-ordained, so I’m not complaining.

The month ended with the Gawad Kalinga Summer Build at our beloved Dingalan, Aurora, which was even better than last year’s. :) I grew so much darker and heavier, but it was one of the best weeks I’ve ever had as well. :)

So many songs for the month, but one sums it all up: Heaven by Kuya Mike.

Lord, I wanna be in heaven with You
Right by Your side, I’ll stay, worshipping You all day
I will live and die for You
Anything I would do, for heaven is here in my heart. ♥

MAY. As opposed to April’s activities, May was kind of quiet, probably because it’s summer and there’s not so much money for the most of us. There was the CLP, the movie plans that always got busted, and some controversies surrounding our friends which got us gossiping and getting angry to the max, and got all of us guilty for being such gossipers. This was also the month of discernment, of the things that I must do for my future, and such.

There was a big event, which was the Steven Curtis Chapman concert, although things got spoiled for me because of some feelings that I’m not comfortable divulging in public here. Anyway, I learned a valuable lesson in humility and was amazed at how many people God sent to talk me out of my moods.

The major accomplishment of this month was learning how to drive! Of course, it’s not that I’m driving a lot now, but at least I know I’m capable of driving. :P

Interestingly, there wasn’t a song I recorded for this month in my journals. So song-less month is May.

JUNE. June kind of started badly, with an argument with my mom, which brought me to realize how self-centered I could be. There was also some kind of spiritual emptiness, wherein I learned to always come to Him thirsty. The first half of the month was spent preparing for the upcoming graduation.

The second half opened with graduation, which is one of the proudest moments of my life. It was bittersweet too, although most of us I think, were just happy that it’s over. There were more prayers of discernment mostly for the future, plus some unwanted calls from unexpected job interviews and such. It was the middle of the year, and oddly enough, this was probably the month were I was in limbo most of the time. I didn’t know where I want to go, what I want to do and all that.

Other than that, I got new books from the OMF sale, discovered my first Christian chicklit book and went gaga over High School Musical.

Song for the month was Say Goodbye by Joy Williams:

Say goodbye, say goodbye
To the you I knew before,
Say hello, say hello to a new beginning.
Say goodbye, say goodbye
To the you I knew before
This is your genesis.

JULY. I was supposed to start looking for a job here but it got postponed because of the Vibal stuff we had to finish. I ended up staying at home all throughout the Job Expo week because I was sick and it was raining, and that was just a totally bad idea because it led to sins I don’t even want to think about anymore. It was a struggling month for me because I felt pressured to choose whatever there is for me out there in the world.

I went to my first job exams and interviews, but at the end of the month, God brought me to an interview that led me to where I am right now. He also reminded me of his promise through a rainbow with a sticker, which assured me that everything will be all right. It was a different month, interesting because of the struggles, and yet amazing because God is faithful.

Songs for the month are Renew Me by Avalon and All You Ask of Me by Building 429, but I won’t be posting lyrics from that, but one of the things that got me through July, which was a book I borrowed from Jomar, The Traveler’s Gift by Andy Andrews. Below are the seven decisions for success:

THE SEVEN DECISIONS FOR SUCCESS (Andy Andrews):

1. The buck stops here.
2. I will seek wisdom.
3. I am a person of action.
4. I have a decided heart.
5. Today I choose to be happy.
6. I will greet this day with a forgiving spirit.
7. I will persist without exception.

AUGUST. August kinda started out not good because I didn’t get the call I was expecting. :( Well, not yet. I got caught in a funk, as my friend Kiddo mentioned in his blog one time. I was pressured to find work, because it feels like time is running out, and the moment when I felt despair, God brought in this blessing which landed me where I am right now. Amazing how He works. He gave me enough time to prepare for it, plus enjoy my last few days as a bum. :P Haha.

This is one of the lines from Ayiesha Woods’ song Days that made a big impact on me this month:

You gotta get through something if you wanna get somewhere.

SEPTEMBER. Ah, the month of big changes, again. But first, the book fair, where I got a huge stash of books and an argument with my best friend. Then came my first day of work, which unnerved me because I felt like a loner in the office. But then God gently prodded me and just told me to obey, and He’ll take care of everything. He gave me friends, a good boss and the feeling of satisfaction of being able to earn my own money. I learned again that God is truly faithful.

The month ended with Milenyo, and another affirmation that I was where I was supposed to be. :P

Song for the month: More Than Useless by Relient K.

OCTOBER. After getting comfortable in my position, God brings me into another place. Kind of scary, but like I said, God is faithful. I got new work in the office, and it was unnerving, but I’m learning. I pretty much concentrated on work for the rest of the month, although the end of the month, I was driven to my knees asking Him for mercy because I kept on doing something I told Him I wouldn’t do anymore. This was the time I finally became accountable to some of the people I’m close to, who I walk with in my faith. Thank God for them.

Oh, and I became a godmother this month! To my handsome godson Sean. :)

Song for the month is the theme of this layout (for now): Go And Sin No More by Rebecca St. James.

NOVEMBER. And even more work! Mygulay! But this month is somewhat fun, because I’m getting the hang of work already. I was also very busy with NaNoWriMo, where I started writing my first Christian/Catholic chicklit. I’m not yet done with that. :P

Highlight of the month was the Hillsong United worship. Aahhh, what a blessing. :) The month ended with a lot of work stuff, and God taught me to be really still and rest in Him despite the chaos all around me. :)

DECEMBER. Parties, parties, and more parties in the office. It was my first Christmas as an employee, and it was fun because I got to share with the holiday spirits in the office. Work was still work, although it was kind of light because of all the parties. This month is kind of indescribable because there were a lot of things I learned, and am still learning that sometimes it gets overwhelming. There are moments where I felt abandoned, but then God puts a gentle hand on my shoulder and turns me into another direction to see a part of the bigger picture and to see what He wants me to do.

December also made me value my family more, seeing as this is one of the Christmases that we’re all together ever since my dad worked in Saipan. This was the first year I got them actual presents, plus a lot of other presents for myself. :P I also got to reflect on how Jesus came into this world, not to live but to die (this is another entry altogether :D). It’s a month of reflection and relaxation, and sure enough, this is to make me ready for the upcoming year. :D

To top it off, I got a haircut for the upcoming year. How about that!

If you read all the way here, you deserve a cookie. Wait, make that a box of cookies. :D 2006 was a year of change, of promises and God’s faithfulness. It’s been good.

2007? I’ll reserve my predictions and resolutions once tomorrow comes. But for now, I have to eat lunch. ;)

So I went to Makati and walked to San Lorenzo Village. Of course, it was my first time there, so I followed an Assumptionista into the village so I’d know where to get in. I didn’t get lost and got there on time. I met up with Ms. Lea who led me to the YFC room and I met Louie, their president, who is such a sweet girl. They had a game, then my talk. The girls were kind of noisy but there were some who listened to me intently…I find them all kind of sweet and their noisiness didn’t really offend me because, well, they’re high school! Haha, after the talk, I got to talk to some of them who asked me some kind of difficult questions, and the other one, Shimmy, asked me about books. Haha. I’d like to go there again given the chance. :)

After the club meeting, I went to Glorietta again and browsed around bookstores while I waited for Gigie. When she arrived, she treated me some snacks and then I dropped her off at the MRT while I looked for a cab who will bring me to the Es-Twenty reunion. But it’s Friday night, and I’m at Makati, which means it’s hard to get a cab.

I went all around Glorietta and SM and Park Square to get a cab…until I ended up at North Park. I stood there waiting for a cab who will actually stop. There was a man a few feet away from me who was trying to hail a cab too. I stood near him and then he looked at me and asked, “Uunahan mo pa ba ako?” (Loose translation: “Will you steal a cab from me too?”) Of course, I said I won’t because I’m not like that. Then he asked me where I was going and it turns out we were going the same way and he told me we could ride together so it would be easier. I agreed reluctantly but of course I was kind of scared because I don’t know who that man is. We talked, and I found out he lives in the US but he was just visiting the Philippines and he was on his way to Batangas where he’s staying. He needed to catch the last trip of the bus from Jam transit and he was having a hard time catching a cab too. We stood there until we finally got a cab. We talked a bit more — he told me about his daughter’s college tuition fee, his divorce and how it is living in the US. Surprisingly, he wasn’t complaining that much about how the Philippines is compared to the US — so maybe there’s not much to complain? Anyway, when I got to my stop, I was about to pull out my wallet when he said he’ll take care of it. I accepted and he told me to have a good time and he and the cab went away.

That was really nice. :) It’s the second time that thing happened to me (the first time was during fourth year high school, a woman rode the tricycle with me and I helped her fasten her bracelet and she paid for half my fare), and I’d like to believe it’s God’s blessing for me. To be honest, I’m not comfortable riding cabs alone because I was always warned not to. I only do it in desperate cases like last night…and God is good. :D Amen.

I got to the reunion dinner on time…and it was fun being with my blockmates once again. There weren’t many of us though, and Jolai didn’t go down from Baguio which was what I was really looking for. But it was fun. It was fun reminiscing all our block days even if it was just for two terms. :D And because I love them so much, I’ll reserve all S20 memories in another post sometime soon. :)

Here’s one of the two pictures I have for the night…there’s a prof with us there…guess where he is. :P

Today I shall rest. And read. And watch TV. And fill out some forms for work. Haha that sounded so mature. :P