I just got four fresh blisters on my feet, two on each foot. This is what I get with walking in leather shoes along EDSA early this morning. I must get used to wearing leather shoes already.
Oh, and I am not to keen on divulging whatever happened to what I posted yesterday until I finally decided. So hold on tight, you’ll know about it soon enough. But if you could squeeze in a prayer for me that I might make the right decision, then I’d really appreciate it. :D
Anyway, let’s walk down memory lane for a bit. :) To those who don’t know (which probably is everyone who’s reading this unless you’ve been a friend of mine for the past three years or something), I have a good long term memory. So good, that my friends call me the “Human Calendar”. My talents include being able to remember specific things that happen to me as far as a year, and sometimes longer, depending on the event. And when I say specific, I mean very specific — I can remember the time (or if not, the time of day), the clothes a specific person is wearing and the events as they happened. It’s weird, but this kind of talent is handy especially when I’m on major nostalgia mode.
Okay, so my friend actually has an explanation for this. He told me than when there are important moments in your life — moments when you felt really happy or sad or whatever extreme emotion — your brain secretes a hormone that makes you remember that specific moment. Oh, and apparently, this is also what happens when you get to watch porn or something else similar.
Anyway, so this day last year…this day marks the week where I started to “wake up” from my old notions and learn something new. That was deep. :P I shall elaborate.
August 22, 2005, around 7:00pm, I was walking from Shangrila Mall to SM Megamall to meet up with my brother from school. I was supposed to go home earlier but it rained and I had no umbrella so I hitched a ride with my friend. As I was walking, I started talking to myself. Okay, not exactly that way. But you know when you’re alone, and you have nothing to do and you start thinking of your life and how everything is and such? That kind. I was thinking about my life then, and specifically, my (lack of a) so-called love life (yes, let’s be honest here already :p). Mind you, I’ve never had a boyfriend, though at that particular time, I liked someone in a more than friends way. I know for a fact that the guy did not hold the same affections for me, but that didn’t stop me from being his friend.
Anyway, on that particular walk down from Shangrila to Megamall, I was thinking about the entire situation with the guy. Yeah, we’re friends and I’m happy about that. But I knew that there was this lingering hope that he’d like me back. Everyone must have felt that. Thing is, back then, I was telling myself over and over that we’re friends…but I was oh-so-ready to hear him out on whatever stories he had with his current “conquest”. Of course, I was ready to hear if something went wrong between the two of them and I would have denied it then but I had hidden agenda when that happens. I planned to be the “perfect” friend. You know, the girl friend who listens to whatever heartaches her special guy friend has. And maybe, just maybe, he’d see what a good friend I am and realize that he’d be better off with me. (Argh, cheesy.)
I told myself that I’d never settle to be a rebound, but what do you know, that is exactly the same thing I was doing. I know that I’m doing the listening thing as being a friend, but there’s always the thing talking at the back of my mind: maybe someday. Maybe someday he’ll fall for me too. Maybe what I’m doing right now will help him realize that. And before I know it, I’m holding out for him already and not for it.
I remember my best friend telling me that same night that she went through the same thing, and she really thought that her love was pure because she’s sacrificing herself to the person by being there for him. But after much prayer, she realized that it wasn’t selfless at all; she was doing it because she wanted to catch the guy and protect him from hurting. It was the exact same thing I was feeling but that night I realized that it wasn’t me who’s supposed to do the catching, I was the one who is supposed to be caught. I’m the girl after all, I’m supposed to be the one being pursued, not the one doing the pursuing.
That night started a certain change in me. Looking back, if I hadn’t gone on that walk and started talking to myself, I probably would have ended up hurt and bitter before I knew it. And who wants that?
So cheers for this day. :D *clink*