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It counts for love

March 31, 2012March 31, 2012 Tina Leave a comment

Also known as: Saying goodbye to my favorite month with love

Look, March is almost over. I meant to blog more, but life just got in the way so I’m back only now after posting about my birthday.

Yesterday I finished rereading one of my favorite books, May Crowning, Mass and Merton: 50 Reasons I Love Being Catholic by Liz Kelly. I remember loving this solely because it was a book about Catholicism and it made my appreciate my faith more. The last time I read this was 2009, and I admit to being a little bit shaky with my faith back then. I’ve moved past from that part of my life, and I’d like to believe that I am better now. Reading the book this time around was different, because I think I got it a bit better now than then.

It’s also these times I believe that God sends affirmations to me about some things I am determined to live out. At the very end of the book, I ran across some passages about love that totally supported why I chose LOVE as my word for 2012.

May Crowning, Mass and Merton: 50 Reasons I Love Being Catholic by Liz Kelly

The aspect of the cross that stops me short is that, throughout his passion and death, Christ was himself. He never tried to be anything else, never tried to please anyone, never tried to run away, never wavered from the truth; he only occupied himself completely and authentically with his own calling. He just loved, no matter what the outcome; just loved because that is what he was created to do. The miracle of the cross is that God loves anyway, no matter what the result, no matter our choice, no matter the flighty vacillations of the sometimes fickle human heart — loving one minute, resenting the next, indifferent or self-involved in still the next. Instead, he flings the door to his very sacred heart wide, wide, and invites all to enter and make themselves at home…

Christ’s suffering counts for something the most important things, the essential things. It counts for grace and for mercy. It counts for authenticity and for resurrection from our ruination and into who we truly are: children of light. It counts for being genuine and honest. It counts for love.

As my faith grows up within me, more and more the prayer I once clung to, “God remove my pain,” becomes “If I must experience this suffering, then please let it count for something. Just don’t let it go to waste.” When I can open my heart and love anyway, no matter the outcome, no matter the choices of people around me, no matter the risk involved, I become more powerful in heaven’s kingdom than any army, any fear, any cruelty or any rejection. Instead, those things are swallowed up whole and lost in grace and mercy. I find that when they are awash in love, they’re not such bitter pills after all.

I want to love anyway, to love because that’s what I was created to do. And I can trust that God will never let any potential resulting suffering go to waste if I’m doing that. It will always count, and that’s a promise. Even when I don’t know it; even when I can’t feel it. And that gives me courage, courage to love again, to love anyway.

I don’t understand the cross. I don’t believe understanding it is the point, or even necessarily a very worthy or interesting goal. But I think accepting it is — accepting that we were created to love no matter the outcome. The cross is God’s promise to love us, no matter what. And deep in my spirit where the most essential parts of me are anchored, there is a knowing, growing and resonant and burning with an eternal ache that tells me: the cross counts. It matters. It counts for grace and mercy. It counts for love.

– May Crowning, Mass and Merton: 50 Reasons I Love Being Catholic by Liz Kelly (pp. 269-270)

The cross counts for love. What a beautiful way to put things in perspective. I will never understand it, but even so, what I can do is to love anyway no matter what the outcome and trust that that is enough.

March is ending, but we’ve got a month full of new possibilities ahead of us. :)

Great God

February 22, 2012February 29, 2012 Tina 4 Comments

Also known as: My first SFC ICON experience

It was during a sort-of impromptu meet-up with my Europe friends that it all happened. We were talking about possible missions for 2012 when we started talking about the upcoming SFC International Conference (ICON). It was about two weeks to the conference but I have long accepted that I wouldn’t be going. For one thing, I couldn’t take a leave from work. Another, I already had an event lined up for that week.

So we were talking about mission trips, right? Then they told me, “You have to be at the ICON if you want to go on a mission.”

“For real?” I asked, worried.

“Yes! You can’t go to a mission trip if you don’t go there!”

Truth be told, I didn’t really believe it. However, they were all very insistent (and I mean everyone at the table, even the ones who were still in YFC). Even if I can’t file a leave they said I can fly in on Saturday. Whatever argument I give, they have something to say back.

And I really, really wanted to go to a mission trip. Especially if it’s in Europe for this year. So if I want that, I have to go to the ICON, right?

So I finally said yes. Within a few hours, I got to register at the last minute (thanks to my two chapter heads present at the meet-up) and in less than 48 hours, I had my flight booked. At first, I didn’t even know if I would be able to afford it, especially since this was sort of an impulse trip. But like what my friend Dodge said, if the impulse was Spirit led, God will take care of it.

And take care of it He did. If you must know, I found cheap airfare and I actually spent a lot less than what I expected in the entire trip.

But let’s not get ahead.

So there. Before that week ended, it was sure: I will be attending my first SFC International Conference this year.

* * *

It’s real.

January 24, 2012January 24, 2012 Tina 1 Comment

Also known as: Just because you don’t feel it, it doesn’t mean it’s not real.

Last Saturday, I attended my first worship concert again since 2008. It felt like it’s been ages since I last attended one, which is probably true. It’s been ages since I was in praise and worship mode, and to be honest, I kind of forgot how it felt already. Sure, I still listen to the same Christian bands and songs, but to be in worship with other people feels like a foreign concept already. It’s been so long since I was out of community where worship was second nature, and when I left, I left all the energy of praise and worship with other people behind.

The last time I attended a small worship group was before we set off for our Europe mission trip, and as expected, I started tearing up and getting goosebumps soon after the first song was sung. I didn’t get to do that again until last Saturday night, and this was a full-on praise and worship concert that reminded me of the last one I attended three years ago.

It was an amazing experience, being with people all over the world, singing songs and praises to God. I missed that, and I was really, really happy that I got the chance to attend the event. I have to admit, though, that I felt a little…I don’t know how to call it really, rusty? Like I’m not sure what I’m doing, and I’m not entirely connected 100%. I remember those days when it was almost like a switch — I can go from not feeling like it to being on fire with a snap of a finger. Or a clap. Last night it felt a bit like pulling something from somewhere that I’m not even sure existed anymore.

But that doesn’t make the experience any less amazing. It just got me thinking a little bit more about my faith, and how even in these moments of silence, in the long dry season of being sort of on my own on my faith walk, I never thought it was possible for me to just lose it. To question God’s existence. It just never occurred to me, and maybe it’s because I’ve always been aware of it even if I wasn’t on any of my highs.

Perhaps that’s what being in the valley meant. And I thank God for being with me even then.

So, Saturday night was an amazing night, but I was still groping for that switch. I wasn’t sure if I completely felt it like how the other 7000+ people in the place felt it. I do know that while I was struggling to feel it, I heard a still small voice tell me: Even if you don’t feel it that way, it doesn’t make it less real. It doesn’t make Me less real.

And you know what? That is absolutely true.

There are things that you need to really feel and see for it to be real, I know that. Most of the things are like that, really. But faith is another thing, and I don’t think it can be called faith if you can always feel it or see it.

It doesn’t make it less real if you can’t feel it.

Maybe that’s what has made me hold on for so long. Maybe that’s what’s kept me believing all this time.

It’s real all right. Regardless of how I feel.