Category Archives: Dear Diary

Dear Diary, In His Steps

Antagonism

My friend Gel and I were talking yesterday after she said something about Facebook delivering bad news to her about some friends. After learning the news, I felt sad too because they were also my friends. :( Then we got to discussing other situations, which ended up with us talking about how we are as friends and how we were as Christians.

Sometimes I can’t help but feel like I’m an antagonist, especially when it comes to other people’s relationships. Like, say, if a friend got into a relationship too hastily. Or if a friend is leaving other people for a guy or a girl. Or if a friend is too focused on something that he/she is missing other things in the process. I hope I’m not being selfish, but sometimes I just get this gut feel that something isn’t right, or something will not turn out right. Ever had that feeling? Sometimes I’d like to think I’m prophetic. It’s not exact science like Phentermine 37.5; sometimes I think I just happen to have good instincts.

Anyway, I can’t help but feel bad about feeling those things though. I feel those things because I am concerned, but I never had the guts to say them out loud, in fear of being labeled as jealous, or again, an antagonist. Kontra bida. Sometimes I wonder if I feel those things because I am just envious of their situation (especially when it comes to love related matters), or if there is really sound reason to why I am feeling that way. Still, I never had the guts to voice those concerns out loud. More often than not, I end up hiding, because I don’t know if I can talk to the person without saying anything wrong. When things fall apart, I am always there to help my friend…but sometimes I wonder if that is too late. If I had said something before, would it have lessened the blow to my friend?

I don’t think I’ll ever know the answer. But the thing I always, always have to remember is it’s better to be loving than to be right. I think I just have to remember and discern which is the more loving thing to do than what is right. If there’s anything that I should do first, it’s to love. Doesn’t matter if I’m wrong or the other person is wrong, or whatever. I must always, always choose to love.

Because in the long run, whatever they are going through, whatever junk they have stored, I know I have something in me, too, that is junk. Maybe even bigger than theirs. So I really have no right whatsoever to say what is right; I can only just love.

Reposting a quote from an old post, because it fits:

“And remember this…the junk in your life and the junk in [his] life aren’t really all that different when you compare them to the holiness of the One who forgives them both. They’re both just pretty much junk.”
– Jake Phillips to his daughter Savannah, Savannah by the Sea, p. 256

Have a blessed Wednesday, everyone.

Big, Fun and Scary Things, Dear Diary

At the 8K Mark

[Cross-posted from my Tumblr]

The 8K Mark

Believe deep down in your heart that you are destined to do great things.

If you have told me that I would be running 10 kilometer races last year, I would have laughed. I was never the sporty kid, and the only way I lost all the extra weight I had was because of gym time and exercise. I never liked sports.

Then I decided to try something new this year, and running races was one of them. I thought I’d be doing 5k until the end of the year, but after an impulsive moment, I started doing 10k and never looked back.

Of course, I have only ran 4 times this year, so I can’t say that I am a great runner. I can’t say that running loves me, but I think I am starting to love running (even if my legs and knees tell me otherwise, especially post run).

Today I broke my first personal record for my 10k race. Official results will be out in the next few days are out, and my time is: 1:15:12. That’s about two minutes less than my first real 10k! The idea that I was able to run better, faster this time (despite having only 2 hours of sleep — don’t do this, kids!) is enough to make me giddy. :)

And it helped a lot that I made sure to pray while running the race. :) Awesome God, indeed.

Now my 2 hours of sleep are catching up — I’ve been awake for almost 20 hours already. Till the next run! (Adidas King of the Road, October 24! Who wants to come with? :P)

* * *

Proper race post to follow in the next few days, after the PhotoVendo pics go up so I have actual running pictures! :) Right now I better get ready for work, and put some moisturizer on my hands because its strangely dry, and I don’t want that to end up as eczema.

Have a great week everyone. :)

Dear Diary, Entertaining Angels

Brain Implosion

I watched Inception earlier with some friends earlier, and my reaction after the movie?

My brain just imploded.


Yes, brain implosion is actually possible, thanks to a movie that basically played with minds and dreams. I enjoyed it because it was almost literally mind blowing, except all I wanted to do after the movie was sit and mull over the entire thing. I want to try to make sense of it, but my brain was having a hard time keeping up.

I liked it. I think it was genius writing, and I wonder how Nolan developed his story.

Oh, and I especially liked the idea of the idea in Inception. Ideas are very powerful, and once an idea is planted in someone’s mind, it hardly goes away once it gains roots. Ideas can be good or bad, so sometimes, we have to guard our minds from the wrong ideas, and it’s just like how some of the characters learned how to guard their minds against extraction. In a way, we also have to guard our minds against the wrong ideas, or at least, pray for enough discernment to figure out which is wrong and which is right.

In a way, it’s almost like guarding your heart — you have to know which is right and wrong before they can root into your heart. If it’s right, and if it’s from God, your heart will grow. If not, then it won’t.

Okay, that’s just like me to connect this to heart stuff, right? :P

I think I should get to bed. Rest/last training day tomorrow using the fitness equipment at the gym, then race on Sunday! Happy Saturday, world. :)

Dear Diary

What I've Been Doing

This is what I’ve been doing for the past few days:

  • Read.
  • Work.
  • Read.
  • Wheeze.
  • Read.
  • Read.
  • Read.

What a life, right? Well, okay, half the time I’m working and the other half I’m doing other household stuff, but for every other free time, I’m holding a book or reading an ebook. I would gladly skip a chance to play on an xbox 360 to read some books — how geeky is that? It’s no wonder my book blog is more active than my personal blog.

Truth be told, I’m having a hard time thinking of things to write here. It would have been easy if I were a travel bug and I’ve been going wherever and all, but I’m not. My life is pretty boring lately, so I feel like there isn’t anything much to blog about. I can’t keep on blogging about work and whatever it is that I do because believe me, it’s not interesting.

See, what can I write about?

Sometimes I wonder if I should just kill this blog and get it over with.

But I can’t.

Another 30 days? Do I have to make a 30 day challenge every month to get this blog going? Maybe I should have a new layout for the site so I would be motivated to blog?  There has to be something. Any ideas?

Dear Diary, In His Steps

One Down

I’m okay. So this is what Basyang did to us last night, as well as some thoughts:

  • I got off work about 15 minutes to 1 in the morning, and met my brother and his girlfriend at CBTL. I had to cross a very dark Eastwood street, feel the wind whip me all around (not really that bad), and then when we were about to go, we saw that we can’t get out of the Citywalk parking lot because the parking ticket booth fell over and they can’t bill us properly for the parking. Pfft. I felt kind of guilty for going home late, and thought we’d be stuck there all night. Good thing they let us go.
  • The ride home was scary. Dark and scary. Remind me never to attempt to drive home if it’s windy and dark like that, unless I am a very good driver already. Which I am not.
  • Slept at home in the dark with the windows open, so it was cold. I prayed the rosary all night to calm my nerves, and well, God was faithful even if I am not.
  • Let me repeat that: God is faithful, even when I am not. Thank You, Lord, for protecting us.
  • I promise to clean my room this weekend.
  • I also promise to start fixing a typhoon emergency kit. And such.
  • Our dog, Batman, freaked out like I did, and he looked thinner this morning. :( Aw poor doggie.
  • Everything was okay in the morning, thank God. And don’t you think it’s funny how bright everything is after a storm? Again, God is faithful, even when I am not.
  • Dark Eastwood is scary Eastwood. Boo. But all things are okay now, I think?

What perked me up today? Other than Flaming Wings with my teammates, and Looking for Alaska by John Green (I’m sorry, I couldn’t resist!), it’s this:

Ben and Jerry's Peanut Butter Cup
Ben and Jerry's Peanut Butter Cup - so sinful but so yummy.

Oh dear.  Ben and Jerry’s in Shopwise Libis is the best discovery I had this week, and probably the most sinful. If I keep on eating this, I might need to take some apidexin! Ack! That, or run and run and run. Anyway, so I think the storm is over. I hope I get enough breathing room before the next one comes. Please Lord? And before I go, I leave you with this quote from Lie to Me S02E10:

So sometimes, when there’s nothing you can do, you just have to believe that everything’s gonna be okay…and you write a song. You can’t be worried and write a song at the same time, right?

Well in my case, it’s to write a blog. :P I’m okay. I hope you are, too. :)

Dear Diary, In His Steps

Scared Senseless

Hello typhoon season.

I just have to let this out: I. Am. Scared.

Oh dear Lord, I never thought I’d be this afraid of this. I mean, I was okay by the end of the year, and I had a long time of peace without storms and lots of sun and all that, and I thought I’d be ready for the typhoon season. But now that Basyang is here and the wind is howling and there’s rain, and there’s power outages and all that…I’m just scared. Aren’t there some kind of vitamins that I can take to take the fright off?

Oh dear Lord. Still my heart. I claim that there will be no more floods, and we will be safe, but I can’t help but keep on checking the weather, I can’t help but keep on tracking the storm, I can’t help but be scared and remember what happened in September last year. I prayed, and I claimed that it wouldn’t happen again, and I know God is protecting us, but I can’t help but feel scared.

Go away, fear. I don’t need you.

And just my luck, all the songs I used to listen to are not in my iPod, and I can’t seem find calm and be still. I’m seriously freaking out. And this is just one typhoon — I know there is more coming this year! I should be used to it, I should be okay with it, but I feel like breaking down and crying right now. I just want it to stop. I don’t know if I can take it for every single typhoon that comes here, one or two or three could hit Metro Manila and could pour rains all over, and…I can’t keep freaking out for each one. Where is that calm that I used to have?

I don’t know, maybe the flood carried it away?

Oh dear God, I’m really scared. :(

Oh dear God, please help me be still and believe in Your protection.

I remember this one reflection I wrote in Didache that got lots of replies, one that I entitled Scared Senseless. I’m reading it right now and I think I’m too frazzled to really read through it, but I hope I take those words I wrote in my heart and believe that God is taking care of me even now that I’m so scared that I don’t know what to think.

*breathes* Relax. Relax.

I will be okay. I think I just have to survive this typhoon season and I’ll be okay again. Survive the typhoon season without any disaster,I mean. and I claim there won’t be any, because God is our protector, and my brother is getting married this year. Please spare us, Lord. Please Lord. By God’s grace, I will be okay.

*breathe*

Father, please help me see You in this storms and the storms that will be coming.

But he said to them, “It is I. Do not be afraid.” (John 16:20)

Dear Diary, In His Steps

Funk

I can’t believe I’m still in this…funk.

I can really relate to this image right now:

It’s been weeks, and I still feel like I’m in some kind of funk. Like…there’s something missing, but not really. I wish I could blame PMS on this, but I just finished with my period (sorry, TMI!), and yet I’m still feeling quite…down.

Bored.

It’s so frustrating.

It’s not like I have some kind of problem. As far as I know, I don’t. I’m pretty okay with everything, but that’s just it. I’m just okay. I’m not asking for any problem of some sort, and I’m thankful my life is relatively peaceful…but I just wish there’s something else I can look forward to in the next days, weeks, months. Something big. Something exciting. Something to awaken my passion and all that shiz.

An adventure of some sort.

But alas, there’s none.

Sigh. I guess this is some kind of holding pattern once again, a waiting moment, a time where I should sit still and wait. Wait for what, exactly? I don’t know. I know it doesn’t involve any cigars, though. I wish I have some clue…but right now, I really have no idea. Is this a part of growing up, again?

Surprise me, Lord? Please give me something to look forward to.

Dear Diary

Another growing up post

Now Woody, he’s been my pal for as long as I can remember. He’s brave, like a cowboy should be. And kind, and smart. But the thing that makes Woody special, is he’ll never give up on you… ever. He’ll be there for you, no matter what.

So I watched Toy Story 3 earlier, and as expected, I cried. I didn’t cry buckets, but I shed tears, especially near the end. I mean, who wouldn’t?

No spoilers here, but I’m glad I watched the movie (even if I was alone. Then again, it was me time, so it doesn’t really matter).It wasn’t my favorite Pixar movie, but I think it’s a good one, and it’s a nice way to say goodbye to the toys. And to give a nod to growing up, which obviously all of us have experienced, are experiencing and will experience.

Lately I’ve been feeling kind of alone. I mean, I know I said I’m okay with being alone, but not alone alone. You know? I mean, I’m happy most of the time, I’m contented with where I am, but lately, I’ve been wondering: where are my friends?

I guess we’re all just busy, so it’s not that easy to see each other. That, and some friends are just out of the country. I miss them so, but it makes me wonder once again: where are my other friends?

So this is where my keeping in touch skills come in again. I’m not one who has a ton of friends who I can call and hang out with and such. I’m the person who has a group of friends who I regularly hang out it, preferably friends from different groups who I introduced to one another and made them friends, too, so it’s kind of like all connected. It’s just hard when everyone’s busy, and I feel like there’s no one to hang out with, and work is piling up and I’ve been feeling lonely and…well, sometimes, I just have to deal with myself alone, and find comfort in that even when I am sad, just the same as when I am happy.

Wait, did that make sense?

But anyway. Toy Story 3 reminded me that I am growing up. I’m way past Andy’s age. I felt the same sadness when he had to let go of the toys so he could move on, but I’m sure he won’t forget them. And I’m sure he’s happy that his toys are making someone else happy, too.

I don’t know if I have a point with this entry, exactly. I just felt like writing, to try to make sense of what I’m feeling and what I’ve been feeling for the past weeks. Maybe I’m just kind of having the blues.

Maybe I just need something new in my life. A challenge. Something to look forward to.

I don’t know. Let’s see.

But for now…I think I need to go to bed. I should have been in bed an hour ago, but look at what my thoughts did to me — I wish there were some natural sleep aids to help me to stop thinking and just sleep. Hmph. But it isn’t so bad, I guess. Tomorrow Later, I must sweat it out, and finish an article and maybe try to do some more soul-searching. Maybe I’ll find what I’m trying to look for.

Dear Diary, Say Cheese!

First Club

I meant to post this last Sunday, but I figure that I’d be making too many posts that day. So now it’s a couple of days late, but I need to post this, because…well, anniversaries need to be celebrated, right?

So last June 20, 2010 was my first year in Fitness First. :)

*insert cheers here*

It’s been a long journey, and whenever I see pictures of myself before I started working out, I realize how much I haven’t been taking care of myself then. Okay, fine, I realize how fat I was then, and how okay I was with doing that and not doing anything physical. I can’t exactly remember how I felt then, but I knew I’ve never felt better than I do now. I have better coordination, I run faster, I don’t get tired easily, and I feel a whole lot confident now than I used to.

It’s not just working out per se, but just taking responsibility for myself and aiming to be better. You know?

Okay, enough of the fancy schmancy stuff — you can read my testimony here. Today, I’m going to share everything that I did that worked. It may or may not work for you, of course, but you can try. :D

Before and After

TINA’S WEIGHT-LOSS JOURNEY: WHAT WORKED:

  • Exercise at least 3-4 times a week. When I was starting, I tried my best to work out for 5 times to make the most out of it. Now that I’ve gone a bit of a long way, I made sure to go 3-4 times a week instead. One hour is usually enough, but sometimes when I feel like it, I exercise for about 2 hours — 2 classes equivalent.
  • Cardio + strength training. Never skip strength training. The other day I saw a reflection of my arm a few hours after I worked my triceps off, and saw there was definition. Hee, vain moment. But building muscles supports weight loss, so don’t ever skip that!
  • Food diary. I realized that the weeks I gained the most weight are the weeks that I don’t log my food. I don’t know if it would work for everyone, but really, logging food helps me keep track of what I eat, and I know when I can allow myself to eat more or stick to veggies when I ate too much.
  • Offsets. On days I knew I ate a lot, it means one thing: I need to burn it off the next day. Seriously burn it off. I remember one particular week when I knew I ate a lot but ended up losing weight for the week because I managed to offset my eating with exercise. Eat a lot, sweat a lot. Sweat a lot, eat a lot. We exercise so we can eat the food that we want. :)
  • Variety. Since I’m a gym rat instead of a sports buff, I seek more variety for my routines. That’s why I run, that’s why I always try to attend classes. Variety is good for the body, and weight loss. :P
  • Eat your veggies. And fruits. But yes, always eat your veggies. I’ve learned to like veggies especially broccoli…ampalaya, I’d have to learn how to love you yet. :P
  • No deprivation. I used to be very, very strict at what I eat, but now I allow myself to eat what I want. Not always, though, but I give myself more space now, just as long as I keep on working out. Ice cream and chocolates — not a problem. :)
  • Lots of sleep. Sleep builds muscles. Muscles burn calories. See where I’m going? :P

TINA’S WEIGHT-LOSS JOURNEY: WHAT DIDN’T REALLY WORK:

  • Weight loss supplements. Never tried, will never try. I like the way I do it.
  • Tea. This didn’t work for me because I really never liked the taste of tea, so I don’t drink it as often.
  • Being too hard on myself. Never ever be too hard on yourself. If I gain weight one week, then it’s okay, I’ll just work harder the next week. Just as long as I don’t go back to how I was before, then it’s okay. :)

I wanted to make a longer list, but it seemed like I’m out. Like what I said in one interview I wrote for work — this isn’t just a diet or a routine, it’s a lifestyle. Long-term weight loss mean a lifestyle change, and I can definitely testify to that. :)

Oh, and let me tell you: the last ten pounds are still the hardest to lose. :P But don’t let that discourage you.

So cheers to one year!  Hello, First Club! :P

Dear Diary

The Positives (1)

Sooooo, I realize I’ve been posting slightly depressing posts lately. Not good, not good. Let’s try being positive this time.

In one of the journals I kept back in high school, I try to end each entry with a list of things I was happy about in the day. It helped me put things in perspective, and be thankful of the blessings that I get even if the day was bad. Of course, I eventually got tired of listing things because I didn’t have the time, and sometimes, I admit it’s easier to just wallow and be sad and all that. But I can’t deny the positivity that it brings when I try to recall all my blessings.

So I think I’ll make this a weekly thing, as a pick-me-up post. I figure we all need to find something to be thankful for, right?

Okay, bring on the positives!

  1. I ran 5k today. I usually try to run at least 5k every time I try to run, but I don’t always get to do it. Stress on the legs, side stitch, and all other excuses. But today, I was about to give up at 3k when I got my second wind and ran a full 5k. :) I love it. My time: 32:30. My fastest 5k yet. (Its on the treadmill, but still :p)
  2. My call last night got moved tomorrow. I was supposed to have a client call last night and I was all nerves. Around 10 minutes before the call, my client sent me a message and moved the call tomorrow. I was kind of miffed, but then I realize this means I have more time to prepare, and my boss would be with me during the call. So yay.
  3. I got paid by some of my hostees. Money is kind of tight this month, so payments from my hostees were definitely welcome.
  4. I got to attend a meeting at EDSA Shangrila earlier. Our company had this meeting at EDSA Shang earlier, and I was privileged enough to attend. While I kind of reeled with all the financial talk, I was happy to be a part of that and see how blessed I am to be where I am working. Oh, and free food is always a plus.
  5. Fully Booked was extremely helpful to me. I heard that one of the books I’ve been drooling over is already available here, so I was planning to drop by Fully Booked at Shang to get it. However I didn’t get the chance to, so I called them and was directed to the Fort branch. I called, and managed to get the last two copies of the book and have it sent to the branch near my office. :) This means I will finally have a copy of that book, and I can host a giveaway at my book blog!
  6. I dressed up today. Since I had a meeting at Shang earlier, I needed to dress up, so I wore this new black dress I got from Cache Cache. I love dressing up to work nowadays, and it was really nice to get so many compliments at how different I look. :)
  7. My new shift gives me time to sleep in and stay at home. I’m on a 4pm to 1am shift right now, and it’s been a while since I stayed this late at work. I was complaining about it last week, but I realized, this gives me more reasons to sleep in.
  8. It didn’t rain today. Rain is good, but I still kind of freak out about the rain. I’ll get there. I know I will.
  9. This picture makes me smile (via loveyourchaos):
  10. I’m taking my first steps to grad school: asking around. Target: January 2011. Pray for me?

Now that wasn’t so bad? Even if my discount shades broke today (huhu, bye shades from Human), this day wasn’t so bad. Maybe I just really need to focus on the good things, you know? Optimism and all that — I miss being positive. Life shouldn’t get me too down to be positive.

What about you? What are your positives today? :)