Category Archives: Dear Diary

Fragile Things

And just like that, the three-day weekend is ending.

Let me just sigh and be sad about that.

Lately, I’ve been feeling a lot like this box here (photo credit from sxc.hu, by the way). See those signs there? I feel like that…except maybe for overnight. I feel rushed. I feel fragile. I should be handled with care. I don’t know why, and I’d really like to just keep on blaming my hormones for all these melancholy, but…sometimes that just has to stop. I can’t keep on doing that.

But lately I’ve been thinking. It’s the second half of the year. What have I accomplished? What are the things I can cross out from my 2010 Declarations? What goals am I only focusing on? What are the things that I really need to look at?

I guess this can be something like quarter-life crisis, yet again. This time last year, I’m having the same problem. This time last year, I wonder what I’m doing and where I am heading. I’d like to believe I know more this year. I’d like to believe that I have a clearer grasp on life now as compared to last year. But sometimes I think I know less, and I am flailing more. I don’t know where I’m going and it’s scary, and I feel like I’m wasting my time.

Ever felt that way?

I keep on working, but what am I working for? I do things, but do I do it because I love it? What’s going to happen to me in a few months, in the next year? Will I ever have enough confidence to drive? Will I be financially stable sometime? Will I be able to handle graduate school and work? Will I ever fall in love? (Yes, I just have to ask that)

Yes, I’m sort of panicking.

If only those were easy to answer. I don’t know, really. I can only see what’s directly in front of me, and maybe that’s the right thing. Maybe I’m not supposed to know. Maybe all this panicky feeling is here because I’m supposed to trust.

Yes, trust. Trust the One who knows better. Trust in Him who loves me and has my best interests at heart.

Sometimes I wish all I worry about are the shallow things like homework and hand dryers and stuff. But where’s the fun in that?

Hay. Growing up, you are hard. But I will get through this. By God’s grace, I will.

But seriously, I need something to look forward to. Even just for a while?

Anyway. Enough rambling. Back to the real world tomorrow later! I start my new shift later (this is why I’m still up), and I have a call with some clients…so prayers would be appreciated. :)

Happy Independence Day

I meant to blog more this week. There was this other thing I was supposed to blog about, but after some events that happened and things I did today…well, it didn’t seem appropriate. And I am just not worthy to write about that…not now, not yet. Maybe next time.

Like tomorrow.

But on another note. Today is the 112th year of the Philippines’ independence. People would say we were never really free, and other people wonder why our foreign captors left us when we could have been better with them ruling us. Me? I’m happy we’re free. We’re not free in a lot of ways, and there’s so much more our country needs to be free from — corruption, poverty, to name a few — but we’re still free people. I wouldn’t want to be in a country where we can’t learn our own language, we can’t read what we want to read, or believe what we want to believe because the government or other external powers say we can’t. It’s just how we will use this freedom to help our fellow Filipinos that would make help the country truly be free.

I’m not sure I made sense there. Did I?

As with this holiday, it’s another long weekend. My plans fell through because of people getting sick, and I was supposed to be out earlier but work called. I wasn’t supposed to, but because I wanted to be sure everything will be okay on Monday and to lessen the workload for myself on Tuesday, I logged in, did some work and ended up not finishing it because the software I was using went under maintenance. Oh well.

So there’s no more plans this weekend, except read and write and read and write. So many thngs to read and write. I’m not complaining. Sometimes I wish I could read and write for a living, but honestly I think I’m too chicken to do so. This is reason why I’ve never had the courage to go to writing school. I realized just lately how my ego takes it. Case in point: I’ve been writing for The POC for the past few weeks, and sometimes I feel like I’m pulling teeth with my writing. I feel insufficient, I always feel like I lack the words to convey what I want to say. And I call myself a writer? Ugh. My editor is always nice when he returns edits, but sometimes I feel like I’m such a lousy writer that my articles are a pain to edit.

Pressure much? What’s funny is I’m an editor for something at work, too, and I do a lot of revising for articles other people do. And…well, I guess this gives me a chance to feel how it is on both sides.

Or maybe I’m thinking too much about it.

Feedback is always good, I just have to remember that. Maybe one day I’ll have enough courage to go to writing school. Or find enough time to keep on writing. And writing. And writing.

On a more cheerful note. Wedding plans for my brother is going under way and I’m excited. :) They talked to the caterers last week and talked to me about the flowers (which I will be sponsoring). Next week it’s fitting time. I’m not a bridesmaid so I don’t need to bring bridesmaid gifts, but I am a part of the entourage (that is what they call it, right?). My future sister-in-law just gave me the perfect excuse to get myself red shoes. *rubs hands together* Awesomeness. I don’t know if I can carry stilettos though…but red shoes! Red shoes! I like. :)

But then…once my brother gets married, I would really need to get to be more independent. Sigh, more growing up. Like driving…which I still haven’t practiced. *headdesk* Sometimes I wonder if I should have tried to move out and live on my own just so I can see how I can handle being totally independent…but at the same time, I think I’ll be too homesick. And I don’t know if I will be able to afford my lifestyle if I do that. They say everything will be just enough, but I don’t really see a need to move out. Not yet, anyway.

Ah so many thoughts on Independence Day. Freedom. How I wonder.

I end this post with Google’s doodle for today. :) I like how they did the sun.

Happy Independence Day, Pilipinas. :) Here’s to hoping that I see you rise in my lifetime. :)

The Real 10k

So I did say I was going to run 10k during the Nat Geo Run last April 18. I wanted to, I really wanted to, but we were late and we had a hard time parking and we were in a hurry. This is why I never blogged about it, because I didn’t feel like blogging how I didn’t really get to run 10k after all. Good thing the shirt was pretty, though. :P

I promised myself I would run that 10k by hook or by crook, so when I heard that the second leg of the Runrio Trilogy is open for registration, I’m all for 10k. My brother registered me, and I had more than a month to prepare and get a lot of friends to join us (and face it, running is in, more than getting cheap health insurance). What’s running when you’re not with friends, right?

In preparation for the race, I had to have my gear. :P I know, I know, I’m using this as an excuse to shop, but leave me be. At least I have my running gear…sort of. :)

So anyway, how was the race?

  • I planned to sleep early and wake up early on the day before the race. I was ready for bed by 8, but I had to wait for my brother and his girlfriend to get home, and in the end, we all slept by 12. To wake up at 4. Torture much.
  • The next morning, we just had coffee and off we went to The Fort. Funny thing is, we were late again! We had a hard time parking, and when we got out, we saw the 10k runners on the go. Oops! We weren’t really that worried, since we had the timing chips, so it wouldn’t matter if we would were late.
  • There were a lot of 5k runners again, but not as many as the one in the Century Tuna Run. It was still hard to slip by to start running, so we waited for the gun start for 5k. Our results ended up being in 5k, at least until I emailed.
  • I was doing quite well for the start, but that was until I realized: I had to pee. It was the coffee’s fault, I swear! I was still running with my brother and his girlfriend then, so I told them the first portalet I saw, I will stop and pee. Thank goodness the first water station had a portalet, which was still relatively clean. It felt so good to pee, heh. :P
  • The run was relatively smooth. I wanted to do a 3:1 or 5:1 run/walk ratio, but I couldn’t manage anymore after I peed. Eep. I just alternated running and walking instead, making the watering stations as a marker when to walk again.
  • And speaking of water: I have never felt so happy to see so many water stations. :D I don’t normally drink 100 Plus, but I find that I liked the yellow one.
  • I used my Nike+ to track my run, and I was really glad to see that I reached 5k earlier than I normally do. :) That Nike+ was a great gadget, too — it’s motivating to see the pace, distance and all that during the run and see how my run was afterwards. This is what my 10k looked like after:
  • Reaching the finish line really felt good! I knew I could make it, but actually getting there is priceless. Well worth all the preparations I did. :D

Final time? 1:17:16. My 10k on a treadmill is 10:21:something. Not bad for a first timer, right? And I had more PhotoVendo shots, too! Look:

So, it was a pretty awesome run. I promised myself that I would not run less than 10k anymore — unless of course I’m injured or sick, or if I’m going to try a trail run. :P I’m glad I decided to push myself to reach 10k this time. :)

Oh, and there were no celebrity sightings, but I did get this picture:

Excuse all the sweat, I just finished 10k here. :P Rio was nice enough to pause long enough from the work in organizing a race to have a picture taken with him. :)

So yay! When’s the next? :)

Try and try and try and try

I’m sorry for the sort of depressing entry last Friday. I was having some kind of weekend blues, can you believe that? But all’s better now, it’s just a spur of the moment thing.

Plus, some things happened that kind of made me realize (yet again) that I’m really okay. Really and truly okay. Sometimes I tend to forget that, and I tend to look at the things I lack before I appreciate the things I have. Yes, I’m channeling Shrek Forever After here, but what he said made sense. Sometimes we don’t know what we have till it’s gone. It’s a good thing I get reminded of it, and now I get reminded often, and it keeps my feet on the ground. And it keeps me from flailing, too. ;)

This is one thing I keep on forgetting lately: God is a good God. It’s strange how I forget something as basic as that fact. It hit me last weekend that May is ending, and we’re entering June, and June not only means the start of school, but also the start of the rainy season. And you know what the thought of rain does to me, right? Right. I wouldn’t have been as nervous if our house has been renovated, but up to now it’s not. I don’t know when that would start, and the idea of rains coming and our house still the same still kind of freaks me out.

So I was trying to calm myself down over that fact on the weekend. I’m sorry if I’m not one of the people praying for rain even if I am also dying of heat here — I’m just scared. But sometime during the weekend, as my brother and I were talking about some wedding stuff, I felt an odd sense of calm. I thought, It’s my brother’s wedding late this year, and I’m sure God won’t let us run into any disasters that would stop that.

I don’t know if it made sense. Not that I’m bargaining to God and all (although I know I do that often), but I felt as if God is quieting my fears and telling me, “Don’t forget that I am a good God, and I won’t give you anything that you can’t handle.”

It doesn’t mean that any flooding is guaranteed not to happen again, but it meant that God promises to take care of us. So I need not fear. God is a good God.

And then I found out another thing about a friend who I used to be close to. I say used to because I felt like we were drifting apart. Now, I mentioned a couple of times that I suck at keeping in touch, so drifting away from old friends isn’t a new thing, but this one particular friend mattered a lot, and I found that I had a hard time letting go — I even wrote several entries about this. I tried, and something that happened after the flood made me start picking up myself and moving on. I thought I had moved on and all, but then I heard something, and I’m back to square one.

I talked to another friend about it because I was so unsettled last Saturday. Strange, because I should be moving on — I shouldn’t care anymore. I mean, I didn’t even learn the news first hand, I had to hear it from someone else! I was so pissed about it that I wanted to cry and throw stainless steel drums! However, after praying last Sunday, I heard this gentle reminder: It’s not about you, my daughter.

So yeah. It’s not about me. Yes, I’m pissed, I’m hurt for being left out again, but this news isn’t about me. Whatever I’m feeling, it doesn’t even compare to what my friend is probably feeling. So I cannot complain. I can’t throw a tantrum and not offer my presence just because I wasn’t one of the people who heard the news first.

I could move on from this, now right? I mean, yes it’s not about me, but it doesn’t mean I should say anything, or care, right?

But it bothered me. So after a day of wallowing, I reached out to that used-to-be-close friend. I figure, there’s nothing wrong with offering. If I get a response, cool. If not, at least I did my part. I was telling all this to Jana and Gel yesterday, and they told me I’m such a nice friend, because they would have done what I initially wanted to do if it happened to them. They wouldn’t care, because in the first place, the other person didn’t care. So why make an effort, right?

I asked the same question, too, and sometimes I still wonder. I can say, “Oh, but we were friends, and it’s just the right thing to do.” While that is true, I personally think that it’s not really enough reason for me to reach out. I can remember a lot of disappointments with this friend, and I was hurt more than once, and I have all the reasons to move on with my life and all. But there’s just something inside me that bugs me, and sometimes even begs me, to try again. Even just one more time. And if nothing happens, try again. Try and try and try.

I guess there are just some people who you can’t give up on. I found mine, and well…I’m hoping this changes things. I’m not saying I’m glad my friend got hurt — that’s mean. I’m just saying that…well, I don’t know the reason, either, but I know God works in mysterious ways, and this is one thing I can’t fully comprehend just yet. What I do know is, God never gave up (and will never give up) on me, so why should I give up on my friend?

I guess this is what loving really means?

Ah, growing up. How lovely and painful, but it’s all okay when God is on your side. :)

Lazy Friday

Have you ever gotten to work, and find out that the first thought in your head as you turned your computer on was “I want to go home”?

Yep, that’s today.

I don’t know what’s got me so down today, when it’s a Friday. I should be happy it’s the weekend! I should! Even if I almost spent most of my money last week from shopping for clothes and looking at pet beds even if I don’t need them, I should still be happy that it’s the weekend!

But…sigh.

Perhaps it’s because I don’t have concrete plans this weekend. For the past months, I’ve always had weekend plans with friends, I’m always out most of the time. This month, since two of my favorite people are somewhere out there, it seems like we have zero plans. Of course, other friends are here…but we’re not planning anything (yet).

So yeah. I’m sorta kinda down today.

I have a feeling this may be PMS. But…sigh.

I guess another thing that’s bumming me out is this certain feeling that I can’t shake off. The feeling that I need to decide, the feeling of having more and more responsibilities, the feeling of needing to get out and do something, because changes are coming. I know changes are definitely coming, and I have no idea if I am ready for them. I feel like I’m going to have to go out of my comfort zone yet again, but I don’t know if I’m ready! I don’t know if I can handle things yet! Can’t we take it slower, please?

Ah, growing up.

Come on, share your happy pills. What do you do when you get hit by the blues all of a sudden? Do you have a special happy dance or ritual? I sure could use some cheering up.

Sigh.

Bear Much Fruit

waitingSo just the other day, a couple of girl friends and I were having another sentimental moment and the focus? Our lack of romance in our lives, of course.

Yeah, it’s always that.

Sometimes it’s just frustrating, you know. There are a lot of times when being single is fun — spending money on ourselves and family, going on trips, and other single people stuff. You have more time, and you can do things without having to ask permission from someone, yadda, yadda, yadda. The usual stuff, you know.

But sometimes, it’s just hard to keep on waiting, you know. Like I said so many times, especially when there’s no one on the horizon. And there’s no one who seems to be making an effort, or when there’s no one to like. Or when whoever you like doesn’t like you back. And it’s especially hard when everyone around you seems to be in a relationship, and your friends are starting to have their own love lives…and it feels like no matter how much you make an effort — like dress better, lose weight through natural weight loss products, be available and all that — it seems like nothing is paying off. I can list more reasons why it’s hard, but if you’re single and have been single for the longest time, you know what I mean. How long must I wait, Lord?

And so the emo moments continued. I’m better now, because I’m not yet PMS-ing (watch out when I do, haha), and I did have some good talks with a lot of friends about this yet again. I have another post sometime about some other things like envy, but I thought I’d share how God affirmed me of my current position in life.

In today’s Gospel, Jesus said this to his disciples:

You did not choose me. I chose you and sent you out to produce fruit, the kind of fruit that will last. Then my Father will give you whatever you ask for in my name. (John 15:16)

I’ve memorized this verse way back in college, but it didn’t make sense to me until now. When I think about it, it’s true: I didn’t choose to be in this situation, God chose for me to be here. He led me here, not to be a cruel God, or to hold something out for me, but because He wants me to produce fruit that will last. I could try to go another way just so I can get what I want, but it’s not going to last because it’s not from God. It makes sense!

Okay for a more concrete answer. I get sad, I get lonely a lot of times because I have no boyfriend. Yes, I’m saying this out: I want to fall in love and be in a relationship. Maybe there’s something I can do just so I can have one now, I can have one soon, but would it last? Is it forever? Would the fruit of what I would do on my own last?

My friend Jana asked me this yesterday: what would you rather be: someone who’s had a number of boyfriends but didn’t last, or single since birth? I realized that my answer is still the latter, because as much as there’s so many experiences in having a lot of exes, I can’t imagine having to go through the hurt of breaking up and ending relationships over and over again. Maybe I’m being idealistic, but I’d really rather settle down when it’s with the right person than go through trial and error with wrong people, right?

So fruit that doesn’t last, or the one that lasts?

Besides, this sadness isn’t forever, ergo, the waiting shouldn’t be forever, too, right? I mean, Jesus did promise that our mourning will turn into joy:

I tell you for certain that you will cry and be sad, but the world will be happy. You will be sad, but later you will be happy. (John 16:20)

Happy thoughts for the weekend. :)

On Judgments and TV Personalities

I’m on day shift again this week, so my gym schedule is back to after work. I don’t mind, except that it’s kind of a hassle to go to work in proper work clothes and end up sweating because of the heat. But oh well, I’m used to it, I think. Better the heat than the floods, right?

So last night, I got home a few minutes before ten, and I managed to catch a few minutes of TV before getting a late dinner. My mom arrived, then, and it was just in time for Pinoy Big Brother Teen Clash of 2010. Last night’s episode was about Shey’s eviction, and Tricia’s reaction to what she found out about nomination conspiracy against her. I didn’t really have much information on what happened in the past three weeks because I barely had the time to watch, but I do know that most people don’t like Tricia, and they really want her out (but of course, she still gets the most votes every week since she’s been nominated — familiar much? Hello, Wendy?).

I was fixing dinner when my mom said, “Kawawa naman si Tricia.” (Poor Tricia.)

All I said in reply was, “Eh masama naman daw talaga ugali ni Tricia eh.” (Tricia really has a bad attitude)

To which my mom replied, “Eh pwede naman nila sabihin sa kanya yun.” (They could have told her about it)

I didn’t have a snarky reply to it after, because truth be told, it made me think. I always prayed about being loving, about holding my tongue and stopping myself from being judgmental or saying things about people because I’m just as dirty and sinful as the next person. I’m not saying I don’t say anything bad about another person because it’s a lie; I’m saying I try. I try to be more loving even if I don’t feel like it, I try to hold my tongue, I try to do what Jesus would do.

Last night’s conversation about someone on TV made me think: how far should this effort to be loving extend to? I remember back in college, Tuesday shared in a household that she prayed to be more loving to everyone she meets — from the person in the library that she barely knows to her closest friends. I understand that…but what about TV personalities? Actors? Actresses? People in reality TV shows? I mean, yes, they’re put in a controlled environment, and we are only shown what the producers/directors want to show to make the ratings go higher (so they can get better life insurance online quote? Just kidding :) ), but they are still people too. People who need love, even if it’s from a complete stranger like me.

I’ve been mulling over this early this morning as I commuted to work, and honestly, I still don’t have an actual, concrete answer. Except that I know that if I were in their place, I wouldn’t want people to judge me for whatever they are only seeing on screen. I couldn’t even take it when people stick to their first impressions and have no room to change their minds, what more if we never really had a chance to talk?

I guess…the pursuit of being loving, of being a true follower of Christ is really not just limited to the people near me, but really to everyone. It’s not a new thing, come to think of it. Last night’s short conversation with my mom reminded me that…and told me to be more careful with my judgments and my words. Yes, even with TV personalities.

After all, actors and actresses (and reality TV contestants) are people, too.

Extended Weekends

I’ve been out all weekend, and while it’s already winding down, I feel like I’ve been out all week. And again, I’m using bullets because I’m too tired to make actual, coherent paragraphs to discuss my week.

  • Last weekend I went to the beach. Hello, Puerto Galera! It was a hot and fun weekend, but not without the stress of planning. I guess I was also extra bitchy then because I was about to have my period…so I’m sorry to everyone I snapped at. :( But yes, being in the beach was fun, and it was a nice getaway, even if it was just overnight. I plan to make an even more proper post, and I hope I get to write that soon.
  • I caught the blues middle of the week, and I blame my period. Bow.
  • Met up with a couple of friends over the week! Marvs and Cors on Wednesday, Marvs again on Thursday, then Cors and Toni on Friday. It was fun, even if it meant going home a bit too late every night and spending a bit, too.
  • I spent the long weekend with my family. Saturday, I was with my mom and brother while we waited for my dad at the airport (while watching One More Chance, wohoo!), then dinner at House of Minis. Saturday, I was with my mom and dad at the province, and then today, I was with my parents all day to buy last minute stuff for my dad.
  • I miss my dad arleady. :( And he’s still at the airport, waiting for his flight back to Saipan.
  • Toni, my best friend, is already on the plane on the way to UK. I’m going to miss that guy, but I know he’ll be back soon enough.
  • People are leaving left and right, and I’m kind of sad. :( I can’t do anything about it, though, except spend more time with the people I love before they leave.
  • Elections next week! I’m not yet done wth choosing my Senators or my party list or anything else. I have my president and vice president already; how about you?
  • Back to day shift this week, which is good because I won’t have to go under the heat of the sun to go to work. Gym at night, after the rains, too, so yay.
  • I have a lot of writing to do this week — not as easy as writing resumes, but I bet it’s going to be enjoyable.
  • Can you see how I’m just rambling and rambling here now?

I should stop and get some late dinner and get ready for bed. I promise to write more this week. I have too many things to write about.

Oh, one last thing. Anyone who knows where I can get a Belkin Sport Armband Plus for iPod Touch 2G here? I need one before May 30 — it’s so hard to find a nice armband for my iPod…and I’m a fan of Belkin, so I’m kind of willing to spend. :P

Have a great week everyone. :)

Be Strong and Take Heart

The worst time to feel lonely and unwanted and left behind is when a girl has her period. Agree?

I do. Because I’m feeling that right now. :(

I’d rather not divulge any specific details because it’s too personal, but yes, I’m lonely right now. My heart is not still, I’m afraid, and I’m angry at myself for being selfish and discontented and wanting what others have (or are about to have) when I don’t. I want to be a brat and hide in my shell until all these emotions are gone and I’m over it, and I can go back to my normal, smiling self again.

Bah, hormones! I wish chocolates can easily help me with this but it doesn’t anymore. I wish I could just go for a run but it’s too late already. And no, I’m not interested in medicines, not even something like irvingia gabonensis. I’m sorry, I’m just sad.

Sigh.

So in an effort to pick myself up…I listened to some songs. And I Will Lift My Eyes by Bebo Norman hits just the right spot. Lyrics below, emphasis mine:

I Will Lift My Eyes
Bebo Norman
Album: Between the Dreaming and The Coming True

God, my God, I cry out
Your beloved needs You now
God, be near calm my fear and take my doubt
Your kindness is what pulls me up
Your love is all that draws me in

I will lift my eyes to the Maker
of the mountains I can’t climb
I will lift my eyes to the Calmer
of the oceans raging wild
I will lift my eyes to the Healer
of the hurt I hold inside
I will lift my eyes, lift my eyes to You

God, my God, let mercy sing
her melody over me
and God, right here all I bring
is all of me
Your kindness is what pulls me up
Your love is all that draws me in

‘Cause You are and You were and You will be forever
the Lover I need to save me
‘Cause You fashioned the earth and You hold it together, God
so hold me now

God, my God, I cry out
Your beloved needs You now

Lift your eyes, Tina.

I leave you with this image I got from Tumblr, and find comfort in the verse. Be strong and take heart. Your heart is stronger than mine, Lord.

Be strong and take heart, all you who hope in the Lord.

I’ll be okay. :) But if you can spare a prayer, I’d really appreciate it. :)

Beaches and Awesome Music Videos

So yeah, I’ve been busy. A little too busy than normal, and I’m really sorry for not being able to post. I wanted to, but there were always other things I had to work on, like a surprise party for one of my closest friends and a beach trip over the weekend. I don’t know why I ended up organizing all those in the span of two weekends, but I did, and truth be told, I can’t wait for May.

But that’s always the case for me, so I really should stop complaining and wishing for other things when I can be satisfied with what I have now, right?

Right.

So anyway, yes, I am off to the beach this weekend, because we’ve all been itching to go to the beach. I’m glad we won’t be spending so much there, and I’m just really psyched to go somewhere out of Manila and enjoy the heat of the sun in the best place — right beside the ocean. I can’t wait to go snorkeling again (because that’s a really effective way to lose the unwanted fats, even better than the best diet pills for women), and just feel the sand and water on my feet.

Yes, yes, I can’t wait for the beach.

And speaking of the beach, here’s Dave Barnes on the beach, with his music video of God Gave Me You, which premiered yesterday. Awesome video to an awesome song, and I fell in love with him all over again. ♥ His wife is at the end of the video, too, watch out for her! :)

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