Jesus Fix

day two.

Earlier today, I was listening to one of Lifeteen‘s podcast, The Mix, and as the past two episodes did, it almost made me burst into tears. Which I obviously couldn’t do because I’m in the office, and bursting into tears in the middle of the work day is going to make me look weird. Not to mention that it will be kind of hard to explain why I was crying in the first place, and eventually, it will be used as a “bullet” against me when everyone’s teasing everyone. So, yeah, I blinked my tear-filled eyes away instead and just kept the emotion to myself.

So anyway, the podcast got me thinking. First, it reminded me of all my YFC days, the days I’m really missing a lot lately. Listening to The Mix podcast kind of transports me back to the days when I’d be in a YFC household or conference, and I’d be listening to a talk. There’d be laughter, there’d be anecdotes and there were definitely moments that pierced me through the heart. Sometimes there would be tears…sometimes there was an all-out bawling. When the talk is finished, I’d be all cried out and think I can’t cry anymore, but come worship time, or another talk, I’d be crying all over again. I’d feel raw after, but also feel so alive, so blessed, and in God’s presence that it was just incredible.

For the nth time, I miss it.

Maybe it’s just my stubbornness that’s still stopping me from going back to my community. I know my normal excuse is that I don’t have time, I’m busy and all…but you also know that saying: Kung gusto may paraan, kung ayaw may dahilan. Maybe all these thoughts and nostalgic moments is a hunger for community again. I don’t know.

Speaking of hunger, there was one question that caught my ear earlier while I was listening to the podcast. The speaker was talking about the things we give up during Lent. The speaker — a priest — admitted that he loved Dr. Pepper and Pepsi and Snickers, and he gave that up that Lent. A few days into the season, he was feeling withdrawal symptoms already, and he knew that everyone’s going through that sometime during Lent (I agree — numerous bookstores have called my name for the past few days!). Then he said this (emphasis mine):

The whole purpose behind giving up something is to remind us of our hunger of Jesus. I have to be very honest, I absolutely love Pepsi and Dr. Pepper and Snickers, I really do. And about halfway through the first Friday of Lent, I got the shakes. But I guess the thing that hits me is that…do I have that same kind of shakes if I don’t get my Jesus fix? Am I craving Jesus as much as I crave Pepsi? See that’s the whole point behind this Lent and giving up stuff. It’s to remind us that we also need to crave Jesus...that just like I get the shakes when I don’t have Pepsi, do I get the shakes when I don’t have Jesus?

Now you see why I want to cry earlier? Talk about stabbing me straight in the heart.

Do I crave Jesus as much as I crave buying books? Do I go to Jesus when I need to relax, when I feel stressed, like when I go to Fully Booked when I feel that? Do I immediately do things for Jesus, like the way I buy books with a snap of a finger (and a swipe of a card)?

It’s definitely something to think about, especially this season. Jesus is more than just a life insurance policy, after all. He’s supposed to be my life.

I want to be absolutely crazy for Him again, just as I was before. I want to be able to smile and stand up and be proud that I am madly in love with my Savior, regardless of what other people around me say or will say about it.

And now that I’ve written that down…what am I going to do about it?