I just spent a totally lazy day inside the house, doing nothing except watch TV, fix the layout of the site and the content and tweak Mission: Sydney. Now it’s already past seven, and I’m still here, in front of the computer and the TV.
Hmm, something’s wrong here.
Well, the reason why I’m stuck here at home is mainly because I’m broke. My salary is not here yet since I didn’t make it to the cut off for the salary to come last Friday. I have some money leftover from my last salary, but it’s got to last me until payday. Plus the fact that I slept off the afternoon because I slept late again last night waiting for my brother.
To be totally honest, I was supposed to be somewhere earlier this afternoon, but I was hit by my being antisocial and katam ((katamaran, or laziness :p)) so I sat it out. With a teeny “lie”.
Oh, why do I even put the quotes there, when it’s really a lie?
Have you ever been in a situation where you were put in a position which you didn’t ask for, and has a lot of responsibilities attached? And you ended up saying yes, because you know the position is okay, and you have done it before, but deep inside you feel like you were being put in hot water and you really don’t want the responsibility just yet?
I felt like I just described how it feels to grow up and enter adulthood. But anyway, early this year, I was handed a position that I didn’t ask for. Although it was hinted to me before it was actually given to me, I wasn’t exactly consulted about the position being passed to me, and I wasn’t exactly given the chance to discern and pray about it before it was announced that it was mine. Of course, it was hinted and it should’ve made me pray already, but I didn’t take it seriously. Even if I should.
So when I received the news that I was indeed in that position already, a few days before it was announced publicly, I felt trapped. That all I could do was say yes. Well, I was given a chance, a simple, “Is it okay with you?,” but that was asked on the phone and like I said, days before it was announced.
The thing was…I didn’t ask for this. Like I said, I wasn’t even consulted. It was like, “Oh by the way, you’re the new [insert position here]” and I wasn’t given a chance to speak up about it, to ask for an affirmation from God if I should even take the position and step up. And now I’m stuck with responsibilities that I don’t want, and wish I don’t have to fulfill.
But then again…isn’t life really like that? I remember reading somewhere that it doesn’t really matter if we like what we are doing or not, what really matters is our obedience to God. Because come to think of it, God really wouldn’t ask us to do something that we don’t want to do. Yeah, at first, we might not want to do it, but once we start to obey, everything will fall into place and we end up liking, even loving what we do, because it was really what was deep in our heart. So maybe…this unwanted position is really deep in my heart, only I’m letting my laziness get to me.
I’m scared because I am starting to feel the same things I felt before I took a “leave of absence” from this part of my life, my community life. It felt okay back then because I was in school, and I have a lot of things to focus my energies on. Now I only have work…and I guess online life too. Although I admit that my new work needs a lot of focusing, and I finally feel like my world is opening up because of this new place I am in, I don’t want to leave the community just because of this. Yes, there’s the soon-to-be made community at work, but what about this, the position I said yes to? How will that be?
I guess I still have this thing about being afraid of disappointing other people and disrupting their plans. I know that it’s okay to step down and be free of the responsibility of the position, but I feel like a quitter by doing so (even if I know it’s not entirely true).
See the pattern here? It’s all about me, me, ME! When it shouldn’t be about me at all. It’s all about Him, and in this world I’m just an insignificant blob compared to His greatness. Sigh. I guess I’m not yet over myself. Far from it.
Dear Lord, I will try harder. Help me to give more effort than I do right now, and stop me from being lazy. Jolt my bones, please. I hope this is just a phase — if it is, please get me out of this phase, like, now.
Tell me, when did I lose my first love?
Where did the fire and passion go?
Burn in me Your holy fire,
Give me back my lost desire,
And restore in me the love I felt for You.
– First Love, Avalon