For the past few weeks since work started, I’ve been thinking. The difference between 2008 and 2009 (so far) is that when 2008 started, I was all excited, all ready to jump into whatever adventure there is that the year has in store for me. I was the “DO IT ALL” woman. I think my teammates nicknamed me “The World is Not Enough” at some time. :P

Anyway 2008 was certainly a year where I tried to do everything, work wise. Name an event, I know it and is probably a part of it. I was so active in everything and was trying to do them all that a lot of things got pushed to the back. Well, not exactly “back”, but I know that my performance wasn’t as stellar as it used to be. Plus I know I put myself on second place.

So when this year started, I told myself I’d go back to basics. I’d put myself first, I’d focus on the things that matter. What are those things, I’m not yet so sure, but I know my weekends are more or less sacred, and I want to focus on my writing too. Eventually, I arrived at some kind of extreme where I’d rather do stuff for myself and put other things in the backburner again. I always seem to have that kind of problem.

Anyway, so this week, I learned of my rating for my 2008 performance. I gave myself a rating before 2008 ended and I really thought that was the one I deserved, but what I got was…surprisingly good (and by good it means I can probably afford to buy tv lifts if I want to — which I don’t). Of course, I was thrilled, but the rating came with a postscript: “This is the time that you have to prove you deserve that rating.”

Okay, so maybe it’s not exactly said in those words, but that has the gist. I’m happy and humbled to be able to get that rating, but yes, it’s challenging me too. I’m at this point where I know I should step up and I’m trying, really, but at the back of my mind, I don’t know if I can do this while still giving time for myself. I know it’s possible, I just don’t know how I’m going to do it.

My team lead is currently focusing on me and giving me tasks and situations where I can develop my leadership skills to train me so I can be ready for a leadership position sometime soon. I’m grateful for it, but in a way, I am also scared. I was a leader back in YFC, but leadership in the corporate world is different. My company is generally nice, but it’s still the corporate world, and I have been told that I need to be thick-faced and immovable. Something like that, at least. I tell myself I can do it, but honestly, I’m not really sure if I can, you know?

There’s this certain resistance I feel when I am asked to do things like reports, or talk to someone or do something or attend late night meetings. Maybe it’s because I’m not yet used to it, or maybe because I don’t know if I will be able to handle it. Maybe I’m just looking for an easier way out, a way that is not stressful. But what is life without stress, yes?

I need to step up. For how long, I don’t know. But I know I must.

Last night I was talking to Ramie and I was telling him about this entire thing. One thing that I’m kind of grateful for this is there’s this certain feeling of cluelessness, the kind where you really have no idea where you’ll be going and what you’ll be doing, except maybe for a few steps ahead. And with this cluelessness is some kind of comfort, the one where I know that no matter what happens, I know there’s Someone who is with me every step of the way.

I like that this is making me pray more, that having to step up is making me realize that I am totally dependent on God, and without Him there’s really nothing I can do.

Let me quote my favorite verse once again:

Whatever I have, wherever I am, I can make it through anything in the One who makes me who I am. (Philippians 4:13, The Message)

By God’s grace, I can do this. :) We can do this. :)

Here’s to stepping up. *cheers*

P.S. Prayers will be appreciated. :)