Right now, I just turned the TV off, I’m listening to LifeTeen.com’s Sunday Sunday Sunday podcast in preparation for tomorrow’s mass and I just cracked my Bible open for the first time the past few weeks.
To be honest, it feels kind of…weird, yet strangely familiar and comforting. I haven’t done this for the longest time, and I feel like I’m groping in the dark.
A couple of weeks ago, my friend Tuesday sent me an article talking about The Flight of my Life, and this particular line that the author quoted from George Verwer struck me: “Christians have to relearn their faith from scratch at every stage of life.” From scratch, huh?
I guess I’ll go out and come clean again: I haven’t really been praying as much as I used to for the past few days. Or weeks. Sure, I do the prayer before meals (and I admit to missing that too), the little, “Hello, Lord”, the quick, whispered novenas and other prayers…I tell people I will pray for them, but I am having a hard time remembering them there too. I figured I owe a lot of people a lot of knocks on Heaven’s door and I am pretty sure God must be wondering where I am every morning which is when I set my prayer time schedule. And I could only imagine Him seeing me asleep, or doing something else and waiting patiently for me to wake up or stop what I’m doing, pick up my Bible and talk to Him. As in really talk to Him, the way I do before.
He must’ve been trying to get my attention for the past weeks too. Like a little spark of attraction to someone when it’s just plain wrong and I really just don’t want to be attracted to anyone just yet, or the little annoyances that come up at work, the concert I’m helping to promote, doing new things at work, and even getting sick. But have I sat down and prayed about any of those?
Um…no. *hides face*
Looking back a month ago, I see myself praying every single day, and repeating devotional prayers to calm my nerves. Holding on to God because there’s no one else to hold on to. Just wanting to be in His presence because it’s the only place I can find peace.
What made everything change? What’s the difference between then and now?
Ladies and gentlemen, I finally figured it out.
It’s the new job.
Yep, I realized that ever since I started my new job, I’ve stopped praying. Not intentionally, of course. It just slipped. Like, back in my old job, I had to wake up really early to get to work, so I do and right after taking a bath, I get to read my Bible and pray a bit. Now, I wake up a bit late since my travel time is shorter, plus the fact that I have to do some housekeeping before I go to work (i.e. cook breakfast, make sure everything’s okay, etc). When I get to work…well, it’s basically the same before: I hardly get in time to pray because whenever I’m finally reading Companion or the reflections, I get distracted by some other stuff in the PC or people start coming in and I feel weird for praying like that.
I did just say that, right? *palmface*
Back then I kept on praying because my heart would not be still in that place. It was a constant struggle for me to love what I am doing, and everyday I pray for God to take me out of there, or at least, bring me somewhere that I know He knows I love.
Now He did. He brought me out of my valley, and up to my mountaintop. It’s no hidden fact that I’m very happy with where I am right now, that I can see a bright future ahead. But after a few weeks of basking in that, I find myself asking: what now?
I’ve reasoned out that my joy in my work is already a form of a prayer…that my enjoying my work is a prayer in itself. Or maybe that’s just an excuse for my non-praying. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not substituting that for real prayer time. And I’m also not saying that I’m better off before, because I am forever thankful to God for bringing me where I am. I’m pretty sure that this new job is a God-given thing, but it’s not supposed to stop me from praying to Him.
So maybe this is the new stage that Mr. Verwer is talking about, the new stage in my life where I relearn my faith from scratch. I’ve always believed that whenever there’s this moment of difficulty in a person’s life, it’s a moment for the person to shine, a moment where God is bring him/her deeper into the personal relationship with Him. But maybe it’s not just in those difficult moments where God helps us grow grow, but also the times during times of happiness and contentment, the times when the parts of your life seem to be (finally) falling into place.
Right now I’m trying to build my faith from scratch, just as where He placed me. Trying harder, more effort than before, because I know that God is telling me to do so, and it’s the only way to go. He is faithful, and I know that I can trust that even if I keep on failing, He is always (and will be) faithful to me.
Oh, and if you can say a little prayer for me for this particular part of my life, I’d really appreciate it. :) By God’s grace, I will get through this. :)
Bring it on, Lord. I’ll see You at the start, at the end and at every step of this stage, alright? Thank You for sticking with me.
Show me how I should live this
Show me where I should walk
I count this world as loss to me
You are all I want
You are all I want
– Faithful, Brooke Fraser