Tag Archives: Dear Diary

Dear Diary, In His Steps

Checking In

Hi friends. I’m still alive. *waves*

Exactly three weeks ago, my life changed.

I never thought I’d say that line above in all seriousness. I mean, I’ve had life-changing experiences but it was never of this gravity. Sometimes I still feel like it’s so surreal,  but little reminders get to me every now and then. Every time I go home, I see how everything was turned upside down to clean the house. Every time I go “home” to the condo, I remember the reason why I’m there. Whenever I see tweets, read messages or hear news about how relief operations are going, or God forbid, another storm is coming, I remember what happened that Saturday, when the flood came.

It sounds so dramatic and all, but I believe everyone’s lives were changed by the flood. Even if they didn’t experience it firsthand, it’s really something that took us all by surprise and threw everything out of whack. Every time I try to remember something before three weeks ago, I feel like it’s such a faraway memory, that I’m not even sure of the exact details anymore.

Yes, my life changed that night. And I’m thankful.

I wanted to make a long post about the things I learned from this entire thing, but I’ve got some stuff to do for now. The past weeks have been terribly busy with work, NaNoWriMo preparations, cleaning up and moving from one place to another, that sometimes I forget to breathe and I feel like I’m all rushed. But that’s life, gotta deal with it. I promise to post about all this, though, once I can breathe easily, and maybe, maybe at that time, I can finally look back at the entire experience without any bitter or sad or scared feeling.

I’ll be okay. We’ll all be okay. God will definitely lead us through this, and I believe in it with my whole heart.

So just checking in. :)

And on a final note…RAMIL, GOD IS STILL BIGGER THAN YOU. :)

Stay safe, everyone.

Big, Fun and Scary Things, Dear Diary, Thought-Provoking

Regrets

Ah technology. Our landline conked out today for some reason so there’s also no Internet, but I’m thankful for Smart 3G for letting me connect. Connection is a bit fragile though, and not as stable as when I’m at the condo, but I’m not complaining.

Anyway. Today was an adrenaline-rushed filled day. Lately I noticed that I’ve always been the one having to adjust to other people’s schedules, especially when it comes to my gym schedule. I’m all for adjusting for other people to pick the least hassle of all roads…but sometimes it sucks because it ends up being a hassle to me.

Hay. I did survive all the adrenaline rush (leaving me almost knocked out earlier), thank God, but I can’t help but feel a bit disappointed over something that happened…or didn’t happen, rather.

I’d really rather not elaborate on what happened/didn’t happen, but on the feeling. The biggest feeling I have right now is probably regret. You know when you want something and you know you can get it, but certain circumstances just stopped you from getting that thing? That feeling. I can’t help but think of other things that I could have done to make things right, to help me get what I wanted. To change things so it would be different.

But changing it would probably mean the loss of the other good things that happened this day too…so it’s kind of a lose-lose situation. Sort of.

Hay. I may not be making any sense here, but I’m really just trying to sort my feelings out. It sucks, really. Because I can’t do anything about it…except feel sad about it. And then feel a bit annoyed at myself for being sad about it when I shouldn’t.

But if there’s anything I learned early this year…it’s that it’s okay to wallow. At least for a while. So…tonight I’ll wallow. Then tomorrow I’ll stop.

From icanread.tumblr.com
From icanread.tumblr.com

Earlier at mass today, the priest said something that really struck me during the homily: Pain is a gift that nobody wants. How true. There are a lot of necessary pains that should happen for us to grow…and I’m hoping this teensy pain here right now would make me grow too.

I’ll be okay. :) I always am. :)

13/30.

Dear Diary

The Ditching Game

funny-dog-pictures-she-said

I used to have this notion that whenever I plan something, I need to plan it with someone else because I have a jinx in planning. It just seemed like everything I planned back in college always ends up being cancelled, regardless of what it is. It took some time before my confidence in planning things grew, and if it wasn’t for some of my friends who didn’t believe in this “jinx”, I wouldn’t have initiated any other gimmicks or outings.

I suppose you could say I am a bit of a control freak when it comes to things like this. I like it when there’s some semblance of a concrete plan whenever I go out with friends. I wish I could say I’m more spontaneous, that I can do things on a whim every time. I can do things on a whim from time to time, but every time? I’d go crazy.

But I digress.

It’s fun to organize little gimmicks like that, especially when people have fun when they come. Like beach trips, for instance. Most of the time it’s fun. But you know what sucks when you’re the organizer of events?

When people do not show up.

This is the time I wonder if my supposed jinx back then was really a jinx, or if people I invite were just into ditching, of leaving other people behind, up in the air. Who knows?

I know I’m not the perfect person who is always present in whatever my friends plan, but I try as much as I can to be present. Or when I can’t, I try to tell the persons involved that I can’t go and why I can’t go. Sometimes the reasons are valid, and yes, there are times when I’m just simply not in the mood. But still I try.

Which is why I can’t understand sometimes why other people confirm for things, but do not show up. You text and text, sometimes call, but there is zero reply. How annoying is that? Is it so hard to hit reply? Or leave a message in Facebook or YM or something?

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not pissed. At least, not anymore. I was kind of annoyed yesterday about some things related to what I just wrote, but now I’m not. Maybe I’m still a bit annoyed, but I had too much fun yesterday to forget about all of that. Sort of.

That doesn’t stop me from being friends with them. And honestly, I have a feeling that the people involved may have forgotten about it, and think that it’s nothing. Well, it’s not nothing, but I’m not really the one to make such a big fuss about it. But I probably would think twice in inviting these people again for another gimmick. Maybe if they plan things, I will be able to go. I can invite them again, but I wouldn’t keep my hopes up.

Oh so negative. But a word of advice? Out of respect to your friends who took the time and effort to organize fun things to do for everyone, please don’t ditch them. If you can’t come, regardless of the reason, it shouldn’t be much effort to tell them that you can’t come, so they’d stop expecting you there, yes? You need to have pressure washers just so you can tell your friend that you can’t come. Because really, being stood up sucks, big time.

In His Steps

Jehovah-jireh

Abraham called the name of that place The LORD Will Provide, as it is said to this day, “In the mount of the LORD it will be provided.” – Genesis 22:14

Two credit card bills arrived yesterday, both of their due dates coming quite soon. Earlier this month, I had to pay an insurance fee which comes twice every year, and I also had to pay for my phone bill and another insurance.

All these bills would have been okay if they had come during my “rich” months, sometime around April or November. However, they all had to come durng the poor months of July to August, where I am always at my lowest when it comes to funds in the bank. It doesn’t help that the time between June and July paydays were excruciatingly long, and that I had a huge credit card bill last June too because of our Hong Kong trip where I swiped some stuff (not the smartest idea, I know).

So, now I just paid for one credit card in full, and a part of the other credit card, and it’s still roughly two weeks until next payday…and my bank account does not look pretty.

It’s not that I am totally and absolutely broke. I still have some funds, and it’s not really dismal or whatever…it’s just that it’s dangerously low. I’ve learned to set a certain threshold when it comes to my accounts, and I try as much as possible not to go lower than the limit, because if I do, I feel like I won’t have enough in case of emergencies and all that. Admit it: there’s a certain security in having enough money (and enough is subjective, I know).

I’m not broke. I’m just dangerously low on funds, and I can’t help panicking at times. I mean, what if something happens? What if I need something? How will I survive with this amount until next payday? And what about next month, when my salary comes, and I’d have to pay the bills? Will I survive on each paycheck until bonus comes?

It’s enough to make me panic, really, especially when I kind of find a sense of security in knowing I have enough money, sometimes even more than enough to be able to lend to people. Or splurge on something for myself, you know? And it’s not that the things I paid for in the card are mindless spending; some of them are really good investments, but that doesn’t make it less of a pain in the pocket.

Hay.

I remember writing about God’s providence a couple of years back (here’s the entry), and I try to remind myself of the lessons I learned during that time. I guess in a way it’s harder this time around because I no longer ask for money from my parents, and all the things I paid for were not for YFC or padugo, even.

I guess the root of my panic is really how I put some sense of security in the money that I have in my account(s). Money is just money. It’s something that I may need, but it shouldn’t be something I lean on to in my life. It’s not something I should get my security from.

God will provide. I’ve got to believe that. A few weeks ago, I heard Mark Hart say in his Sunday Sunday Sunday podcast: God will not only meet your needs, He will exceed them. And when I really pay attention to it, He has always been exceeding my needs, even when I don’t need to. So why should I believe that less now that I know God knows my panicked feeling?

God will provide. Jehovah-jireh. The Lord will see and the Lord will provide.

Please calm my heart Lord, and help me to trust in Your providence.

“And God is able to fill you with every good thing, so that you have enough of everything at all times, and may give abundantly for any good work.” – 2 Corinthians 9:8

Dear Diary

Registering, Renewing and Resting

I can’t believe the past week is almost over. Despite the numerous holidays this week, this week went by a bit too fast, don’t you think? Maybe it’s just because I haven’t been at home during any of the holidays and it made the time go faster than normal.

So what have I been up to, anyway?

WEDNESDAY. Wednesday was Quezon City day, one of the days when I’m really glad to be working in QC. I decided to take advantage of the QC-only holiday to do things that I should have done ages ago: register for Comelec and renew my driver’s license.

I woke up really early on Wednesday to avoid the lines but ended up leaving mid-morning because of some things that I’m not in the mood to talk about. I got to the Municipal Hall with my passport by half past ten, and then went for registration. I was done within an hour — really quick and easy! I am now a registered voter, five years late! I’ll write more thoughts on this on another post. :)

After that, I headed to the nearest LTO satellite office to get started on my driver’s license renewal. I almost decided to skip it, but then my mom told me to go through with it because it will only take a while. So I did.

A while. Right. Apparently, since all LTO offices in QC are closed, a lot of QC residents decided to renew their license where I am renewing, which led to a bottleneck at the drug testing center. I started my renewal process at 1:30, and by 4:00pm I still haven’t been called for the picture and fingerprints. :| The estimate was another hour until I get called and so I decided to just go back for it the next day since I still had somewhere else to be.

The missed renewal kind of made my day even more tiring, especially since it meant I had to wake up early again the next day. But such is life, I guess.

THURSDAY. One of the perks of being a Fitness First member is that I can go in the mall where the gym is really early because of my ID. That meant I could go to the drug test center really early to get the rest of the process done. I got my results by 9:30, and then debated if I wanted to get the rest of it done (I had an appointment at 10:30), and then went ahead. By 10:20 I had my shiny new license, and finally it says female instead of male! I can now use my license as a valid identification! (Because one really needs a valid ID that can be whipped out immediately, like when you’re trying to get auto insurance quote or something)

Now the next step is to actually drive…but yeah, baby steps. I’ll drive soon. :P

Thursday at work was quick and kind of distracting because we were in between holidays. I was so itching to be off work because I needed to get ready for the beach trip…and I ended up spending for a bit of stuff (which is, thankfully, reimbursible) — like contact lenses. :) Yeah, I’m back to contacts again.

FRIDAY-SATURDAY. Spent the first part of the holiday with friends at La Luz Beach Resort in Laiya, Batangas. I finally hit the beach for the second time this year! What’s even more interesting (at least for me) is that I sort of planned the whole thing. I mean, I got the reservations ready and all that. But I couldn’t have done it all alone, especially without my friends from work who joined my three friends/gym buddies and I to the trip. :) The food wasn’t really as good as Balai Laiya‘s, but there were a lot of firsts for me: first time to go kayaking, first time to go snorkeling and swimming to really deep water (with a life vest of course), and my first time to get slightly er…drunk. Okay, more like majorly tipsy. If you think I’m noisy when I’m sober, wait till you see me tipsy. Heh.

After Batangas, we drove to Tagaytay to have lunch and just hang out and buy tarts…and then went home. I was still strangely hyper and still not too tired when I got home — maybe that’s what happens when you got the much-needed relaxation?

Oh, on the downside, my diet was totally non-existent during the two days of vacation. :| Guess who hit the gym by Sunday?

SUNDAY. After the gym and talking to Pau, I went off on my own for a bit and watched The Time Traveler’s Wife. I was alone in my area in the cinema which somehow made me appreciate the movie more. It wasn’t exactly the same as the book, but the ending made my heart hurt just a tiny bit…and yes, I did cry while watching the movie. I’m not all eager to read the book again, though.

And that was my week. Sort of. I’d post pictures but my Internet is uncooperative again, so I’ll go and post pictures on another post. :)

So what about you? How was your holiday weekend? :)

Dear Diary

Retail Therapy

I didn’t have a good week last week. It wasn’t really that bad, but it was kind of depressing for reasons that I will probably discuss on another post. I couldn’t wait for the week to end and just laze around over the weekend and for the next week to start, because it’s got to be better, right?

Oh, but there was one thing that made me look forward to last week: payday. Finally.

However (don’t you just hate howevers?), I’m not exactly in the richest mode now, regardless of the pay. August to October are usually my poorest months because of all the bills I had to pay (phone bill, credit card, pension plan, term life insurance advice…wait, I don’t have that) and expenses that suddenly come up, so I usually avoid spending so much during those months.

But again, I wasn’t feeling my best, and I couldn’t exactly go on a food trip anymore because whenever I go on a food trip, it’s bound to be unhealthy and all my efforts at the gym would be wasted. What else can a girl do to cheer herself up?

Go shopping.

Friday found me roaming around Eastwood with my officemates in search of things to buy that can cheer me up. It was also the end of season sale at Eastwood, so it was just the right time to go shopping. I’m not exactly a seasoned shopper, though, so I didn’t brave the tiangge in the Central Plaza. I was looking for something more specific that I really needed then: a new pair of rubber shoes and a gym bag.

Of course those things were expensive, and I was hoping for unrealistic prices, so I had to let go of one. Plus, Fully Booked in Eastwood Mall was on sale too, and I just can’t not go in!

So at the end of the night, here is my stash:

Retail Therapy ♥
Retail Therapy ♥
  • Pink and gray Nike rubber shoes (I’ll have to look up the exact name of the pair)
  • The Miracle Girls and Breaking Up Is Hard To Do by Anne Dayton and May Vanderbilt (long recommended by Camy!)

A little background story on the rubber shoes: The first pair of rubber shoes I wanted (the cheapest one) did not look good on my feet. The other one that I really wanted was the pink Nike Free 7.0 Trainer, which was really cute but too expensive. I almost went home defeated but after catching G.I. Joe: Rise of the Cobra, Grace and I went back to Nike and I found that pair of gray and pink rubber shoes that looked great on my feet and well, costs halfway between the two pairs. SOLD!

The bag I wanted was too expensive, though, so I guess that could wait. At least until it goes on sale or I get my bonus, whichever comes first (and why not both? :P). But I’m really glad to have a new pair of rubber shoes again; the last time I had rubber shoes was in college, when I owned about three pairs. When I started wearing Chucks, I hardly wore rubber shoes anymore so all of them broke. I’ve been borrowing my mom’s rubber shoes (which met an unfortunate fate last year and never recovered) and she’s been asking for them back…so there.

And you know what? It’s true. I did feel happier after going shopping. I don’t know if there’s a scientific basis on that, but my little retail therapy worked.

I can’t say the same thing for my wallet though. But oh well. :)

Dear Diary

Another Saturday Night On My Desk

I planned to post this one yesterday, but my Internet did not cooperate with me. As usual.

Surprisingly enough it’s cooperating now, so yay!

But you know what’s weird? It’s how I don’t spend as much time online on my computer when I’m at home as I used to compared to before. Back then I’d be online all day at work, and then when I go home, the first thing I do is open my computer and go online again. That’s weird because our Internet at work doesn’t restrict any of the websites I visits or applications I use…so what do I do when I go home and go online?

Other than downloading stuff…absolutely nothing else. It’s not like I continue to work when I go home, or spend a lot of time checking out books or AEDs, or whatever, you know?

So maybe I’m just too addicted to the Internet.

I don’t know when I stopped doing that — maybe when I went full-time on midshift, or when I got Teo, or maybe even when I signed up for the gym and was simply too tired to go online when I get home. Or maybe it’s because Macy is giving me my online fix whenever I get home without the hassle of booting up Aslan or Teo. I mean, all I check are Twitter and Facebook and my email and I hardly stay up late to chat anyway.

Maybe that’s it.

Yeah, most definitely.

Anyway, tonight I shall share what my desk looked like last night, when I couldn’t go online to blog about this. It’s not as good as how Riz does hers (seriously, how do you do that?)…but effort should count. :P

What's on my desk on a Saturday night?
What's on my desk on a Saturday night?

So, what’s on my desk?

Continue reading Another Saturday Night On My Desk →

Big, Fun and Scary Things, Dear Diary

On Trying to Be Fitter

Okay, I think it’s just about time I blog about this (plus I admit there’s a certain excitement in blogging when you have a shiny new theme).

I used to go to Gold’s Gym early 2007, because my office friends went there and we had a company discount. It was okay at first, and I enjoyed going there, but I didn’t last. Mostly because there’s no one to go with, plus my schedule has been always hard to deal with that I eventually let go of the membership. I’ve always been trying to lose weight since…well, since junior year in college, probably, but I never had enough discipline to stick to any of the weight loss programs that I have heard/read/watched.

I tried, really. I got myself a copy of Hip Hop Abs but was too conscious to do it whenever there’s someone at home. I tried boxing, bought gloves, but was too lazy to go and always used my money for boxing for other things. I’m not sporty, and I can only control my diet so much…so yes, I tried almost everything, but nothing really worked.

There’s only one thing left to do, and it’s to sign up for the gym and be motivated by the fact that my gym fees get charged in my card every month.

And what do you know, it worked.

So I’ve been a member of Fitness First for almost two months, much thanks to Toni who convinced me to go (after making our gym days hell for me haha).  It’s one of the biggest non-gadget investment I have ever made (and believe me, it is), and right now I’m wondering why it took me this long to actually invest (oh wait, I know, budget. :P). Seriously, though, I’m actually glad I invested on this.

My initial weigh-in results were kind of scary — how bad were my results? Okay, not exactly bad, but you know, there’s a lot of things that I need to do to get back to my ideal weight. I knew it was going to be hard work. I just didn’t know how hard…but again, nothing worth having ever comes easy, right? (Thanks, Ginger Foutley)

I wish I could say I’ve lost like so much pounds already that it’s almost a miracle. I’ve lost about 5lbs for the past four weeks, which according to my friends, is just all right. I’ve started being mindful of the things I eat, like eating every four hours, portion control and eating more veggies, too. I’ve started to like the feeling of sweating it out, and I love getting my dose of endorphins. :D Yes, I’ve been feeling healthier, too.

Again: why did I wait so long to do this?

Oh yeah, budget.

I’m not saying that it’s the only way to lose weight and be healthier, of course. It’s just the way that is working for me, and for others it could be totally different. I still wish I can get into any sport (which…I’d say impossible, but who knows)…but I’ll take it one step at a time. :)

And honestly? I’ve never felt better physically. :D Save for the muscle pains, of course. ;)

Dear Diary, Updates

Hello, Bella

Oh hai, new layout.

I wish I could say I designed and coded this layout…but I didn’t. Shortly after I wrote the last post, I started surfing through the WordPress theme directory to look for themes to use as an inspiration. But I realized I have no time yet, and what harm is it to use one of the free themes?

Hence, hello Bella — the name of this theme. I like how clean and colorful it looks. :) The headers and the titles take a while to load, though. Some kind of font-flash-rendering thing. Or maybe it’s just my connection.

Anyway, I miss designing. But I know I’m so rusty with it already. Must. Flex. Designing. Muscles.

And speaking of muscles…I’m still in pain from Sunday’s work out! I can’t laugh properly without my abs complaining, and stretching always needs extra effort. I’m not exactly complaining about the pain, though. I kind of miss it whenever I don’t feel pain the day after a long work out. How gym buff does that sound? As if that isn’t enough, I’m hitting the gym tomorrow later again for another round. But seriously, the pain kind of puts things in perspective.

And speaking of perspective. I just got reminded of my mortality — God can really just take us away any minute He says so. When it’s your time, it really is your time. It’s very humbling and overwhelming…and well, like I mentioned before, early deaths can really silence most people. It certainly left me at a loss for words.

Dear Diary

Gym, Triage, Sick Weekend, Twister Fries, Leopard

Sometimes I tend to think that I’m indestructible, but at those moments, I get hit. Bad. Or okay, not that bad, but bad enough to let me stay at home all weekend.

But let’s start. From last weekend. :P

So last weekend, I met up with my high school friends for our “fitness” day — something we came up with after meeting again three weeks ago. Toni has become a gym guy ever since he signed up for Fitness First, and I’ve been meaning to sign up for the gym for a while now, but of course, I’m making use of Toni’s membership and his ability to bring me in as a guest in different branches. That Saturday was a relatively physically painless day, but it was kind of painful on the pockets. Why? Because I finally gave in and signed up for Fitness First. Haha, congratulate me, yay? Now if the gym fee that will appear on my monthly bill is not enough to motivate me, I don’t know what to do anymore. :P

Because of that newly spent cash that new commitment, I dropped by the gym on Monday and Tuesday. Nothing heavy yet, because I was really too tired from work and all. Wednesday, I had to pass because my legs ache and there was the storm. Sort of. Thursday had me up and not feeling well, which made me go to Medical City’s ER by Thursday night because I was burning with fever.

Okay, not burning. I just had a fever, period. Because of all the A(H1N1) news and paranoia (seriously, I think it’s kind of over-sensationalized already, come on), my mom and brother and I went to Medical City to have me admitted…but of course I have to be checked up yet.

My 2-hour wait at Medical City’s triage area commenced as soon as we got to the ER. Yes, two hours. There were so many people there, it was almost like Black Friday. Okay, I may be exaggerating, but I swear, the waiting area was full with people waiting to be checked and almost all were wearing masks. I don’t want to discount what other people felt there, really, but I have a feeling some of them were just like us: paranoid. Haha.

I ended up going home around 1am as advised by the doctor because my fever is still new and there’s really nothing to see yet. I don’t think the doctor will use a testing kit on me since other people need it more, and I’m not an urgent case. Which I really did not mind because really, all I want then was to go home and sleep. It’s kind of good to know that I’m not really a critical case. :P

So the weekend was spent at home, recuperating. Friday woke me up with Michael Jackson’s death (Rest in Peace, MJ), and then the rest of the day was spent sleeping, reading and trying to get my fever to go down. I was starting to panic with my fever — and not to mention that it was really hot that day, so it was even more uncomfortable. Good thing by Saturday I was feeling better, but I still stayed home and spent most of the day reading and playing Sims 3. Boring in a way, but it was nice to stay home. I remember how much of a homebody I am.

Oh, and there was this overwhelming craving to eat Twister Fries over the weekend. If any of you had read my tweets or my Facebook status, you’ve probably seen me wailing for some Twister Fries from McDonald’s. I finally got my dose thanks to my brother. ♥ I’d like to thank other people who offered to bring me some too — haha you made me feel better, really. ♥

And finally, Sunday, I was all better, but I was a bit grumpy (again ugh), and still coughing. When I got home from Megamall, I had this weird thought of upgrading my MacBook Aslan from Tiger to Leopard. I know, I’m late, and I’ll spare you all the other background stories. So anyway, I backed up, upgraded and now I feel like I have a brand new computer — it’s so pretty. Shiny pretty brand-new pretty, if not for the fingerprints on the keyboard and the computer, I’d think it really was brand new. Haha. I can’t wait to play with it again.

Now that I’ve blabbed for how many paragraphs…I’ve updated. There’s more that I need to discuss in depth and all, like what’s really up and all the other thoughts that I should be writing down. Am I making sense yet? I’m running into a lot of blogging blocks and it’s not really fun. Why do you think I have a lot of book reviews now instead of actual posts?

Oh and speaking of books, Belong to Me by Marisa delos Santos is absolutely enchanting. ♥