Tag Archives: In His Steps

Hanging By A Moment

That is exactly what I feel. Hanging by a moment.

And here’s a song.

HANGING BY A MOMENT
Lifehouse

Desperate for changing
Starving for truth
I’m closer to where I started
Chasing after You

I’m falling even more in love with You
Letting go of all I’ve held onto
I’m standing here until You make me move
I’m hanging by a moment here with You

Forgetting all I’m lacking
Completely incomplete
I’ll take Your invitation
You take all of me

Now.. I’m falling even more in love with You
Letting go of all I’ve held onto
I’m standing here until You make me move
I’m hanging by a moment here with You

I’m living for the only thing I know
I’m running and not quite sure where to go
I don’t know what I’m diving into
Just hanging by a moment here with You

There’s nothing else to lose,
Nothing else to find
There is nothing in the world that can change my mind
There is nothing else
There is nothing else..

Desperate for changing
Starving for truth
Closer where I started
Chasing after You

I’m falling even more in love with You
Letting go of all I’ve held onto

I’m standing here until You make me move
I’m hanging by a moment here with You

I’m living for the only thing I know
I’m running and not quite sure where to go
I don’t know what I’m diving into
Just hanging by a moment here with You

Just hanging by a moment
Hanging by a moment..
Hanging by a moment…
Hanging by a moment here with You.

That song speaks it all for me now. Keep me hanging Lord, if this is what it takes to get me closer to You.

Resilience.

Resilience. That sounds nice, isn’t it? I think I have a particularly resilient personality. Or persona. Or soul. Whichever applies. Yes, I was kind of sad when I posted the previous post, but a few minutes after I posted that, I got to talk to some of my friends and then I’m all better. :) I snap back pretty quickly in moments like that, if I do say so myself.

I’d say more, but I am at a loss for words. Weird, ano? It’s only Tuesday, but I’m wishing it’s Friday already, but at the same time I don’t want this week to end yet. More weirdness. :P

I better go now. :)

Steady now, we're in this together

My dad arrived today. :) Yay. After fetching him at the airport, we headed to Duty Free and got lots of chocolates again (goodbye diet! Hahaha). I almost broke a bottle of Vodka for my brother’s birthday which goes to show how much of a klutz I am. I spent the rest of the afternoon reading The Curious Incident of a Dog in the Night Time by Mark Haddon (very unique novel…at some point I dreamt I was also autistic), and sleeping. I ate some Holy Kettle Corn (and felt really fat afterwards) and then prepared for the CLP.

Tonight’s talk was an old talk I’ve heard so many times already: Who is Jesus Christ? Being a part of the community for seven years, I’ve heard many versions of this talk many times. I’ve shared for this talk once, and to be honest, I don’t think it was a good sharing. :P I can’t remember what exactly I said then, but I don’t think I answered the question of who Jesus Christ is to me clearly.

Anyway, so tonight they needed a sharer and Kuya Gary got me, joking that I’m always mission ready. Right. I took the opportunity and the speaker, Ate Bev, told me to just share about who Jesus is for me. Then I was faced with the same question that I didn’t get to answer before: who is Jesus Christ to me?

Continue reading Steady now, we're in this together

Obey and Enjoy

“Tell all fearful souls, ‘Courage! Take heart! God is here, right here, on his way to put things right and redress all wrongs. He’s on His way! He’ll save you!'”
– Isaiah 35:4 (The Message)

It’s moments like these that I realize that I’m not as much as I think I am. I’m not as nice, as friendly, as “big shot” as I used to think I was. I’m not putting on any airs; but I admit that I used to think that I am, well, that much. Without being boastful, that is. I tend to keep it to myself, telling myself that I’m special, that people would love to have me as a friend and those who don’t…well, it’s their loss.

Okay, to myself, I’m full of pride, but I try not to show it to other people. That’s why when I get disappointed, it hurts twice as much because I hide a big ego. Because of that, I’ve lost something that I know is an important part of me.

See, I’m not really much of a big dreamer. I’d like it if someone dreams with me, because at the back of my mind, I know that I could at least rely on that person to dream the big dream while I work in the background. I’m somewhat of a control freak. I like it when things are under my control, when things are predictable. I don’t really jump into things unless I am about 75% sure that I can do it. My being a control freak stopped me from dreaming big dreams for myself. I guess you could say that the bigger the dream, the bigger the risk, and I don’t want that risk.

Lately…the control freak is panicking because the control freak can’t seem to take things under her control. I’ve tried to lose my being a control freak and live a bit spontaneously but it’s hard. I am not a spontaneous person. I try to be, but I end up looking silly. And big dreams tend to be spontaneous…and I’m afraid to look silly after dreaming big dreams. It’s not that I don’t think it’s useful to make them…it’s just that I can’t bear the possibility of not reaching it and disappointing myself. And that just sucks.

It’s funny how God chooses these moments to really get to your heart. I read an email before about how God keeps you in certain places just so He could get ahold of your attention. Holding patterns, as we call them. It’s like what God did to Jonah: Jonah was afraid to obey God’s command, so he ran away and he got so messed up that God had to bring him inside the belly of the whale just so He could talk to Jonah without any other distraction.

I believe God works in that way for everyone of us. Me included. Sometimes being in a holding pattern is hard because I don’t even recognize it. Right now, I feel that God is urging me to move forward, to take the risk. To really leave my comfort zone. To be more of the person that I used to think I am. To grow. Not to be afraid of the opportunities that are being presented in front of me for fear of looking silly or being disappointed. To trust Him fully in this part of my life. Not to give up. And most of all, to start dreaming BIG. Because like what Kuya Jomai said last night…God is a big time God.

After all, He has promised that He will take care of me. And if there’s anyone who has ever been true to His promise, it’s Him. God.

When we decide to obey God and follow His will, we shouldn’t forget one thing that obedience also entails: to enjoy. God won’t lead us to places where we would be asked to obey but end up being miserable. He wants us to OBEY AND ENJOY. I shouldn’t forget the enjoy part, because in this particular phase of my life, I should enjoy every bit of it.

Lord, I’m still scared. There are so many unsure things right now that I just feel like quitting this early. But I’ll follow You. I’ll obey AND enjoy this entire trip, because I know that You’re bringing me higher. Calm my heart Father, that I may stop fearing what tomorrow will bring, but be always trusting that You will never leave me alone. Help me to believe and to dream big dreams that You want to fulfill for me. Help me to take risks, knowing fully that You will never let me get hurt. I love You Lord.

Nerves.

I was just scheduled for a job interview on Friday morning. And I’m scared.

Just the other day I was thinking of how my life is going to be in the future. I have to admit that I am seriously starting to enjoy staying at home and being with my family and being available to help anyone to needs help. Being free to visit DLSU and attend some prayer meetings, and all that. I’m not minding being a “bum” anymore, at least for now. Besides I still have some freelance work to finish, and I’m quite content with this.

Plus the fact that I feel like I’m looking for a job just because I want to say that I have a job and I’m earning a living and all that…I asked myself: why are you searching that way? Shouldn’t you be searching and aiming for the thing that you want to do for the rest of your life? And so I decided to do just so…because life’s too short for me to not start doing something I want to do for my life (and when I say what I want to do, I really mean what God wants me to do in my life — I believe that God’s will is indeed the deepest desires of my heart).

And then I get this call…and I’m all bothered again. I have to admit that having a job is a lovely idea, and at least I get to do something…but what if this job is not what I want to do for my life? To be honest, I have no idea with what the job being offered to me is. And I’m doing this because…well, the HR person who’s contacting us sounds really nice, and it’s kind of hard to say no to her. Okay, let’s not forget the experience of being interviewed and all is there too.

Argh. I feel really shaken because of this. I’ve already said yes, and I guess I’ll be going, but I’m just afraid. With the interview and the entire idea of actually having a job already. If I get accepted here, I might start working by August because I put that in my application (unless they say otherwise). And August is what, next week already? I’m not ready!!! Well, not yet.

BUT…who says I’m accepted already? I think I’m afraid because I’m basing it on the thoughts that I will get this job. And I haven’t yet. I’m thinking of the future all over again; I really should stop that. ONE DAY AT A TIME, TINA!

Whew. I just needed to rant that out. Back to freelance work. I’ll think of this AFTER I finish this module.

In a lot of ways, I'm just like you

Yesterday was a busy day for me and my feet are paying for all the walking I did. Late last Tuesday night, I got a call from Isla Lipana & Co, asking me to go to their office for an exam because they were considering me for a position. And because I have nothing better to do, I decided to go ahead. In the same night, I also submitted my application to other companies I’ve been meaning to apply to. Talon lang! :)

So Wednesday morning, I headed over to the shuttle service at our village’s gate to ride to Makati. It’s been a long time since I last rode there — more than a year ago. As I rode the FX, I felt kind of shaken because I realize that once I really do start working, I’d have to wake up this early to get to my office always. If it’s in Makati; I’ll be riding there, if it’s in Ortigas or somewhere else it’s a different route…but I’d be waking up that early again. I’d be going out 5 days a week to work…and you know what I really thought of? I’ll be missing most of my Disney shows in the morning. Haha, shallow, I know.

But I think it’s a good thing too…I just have to get used to it, you know? This is an uprooting and I should be thankful for it…because it would make me grow. So…bring it on, Lord!

SURPRISE!

L-R: Jasper, Chris, Toni the birthday boy, Jeka, Pauleen and me, @ Figaro, Brick Road

After a good lunch and long chat with some good friends, I headed home for Toni’s surprise at Figaro. I got to see some of my old high school friends again like Jessa and Jasper, who I haven’t seen for a long time. Toni had absolutely no idea with the surprise and it was nice to see his expression. I think the Figaro people were annoyed at our noise though. :P After finishing the cake, we went to Tiendesitas to eat again. I looked at the animals there and was sooooo in love with the big dogs they have there. ♥ And then we ate again, had some chats and then went home. It was tiring, but it was fun, and it proved that high school friends are indeed good friends…people who would be with you for a long time. We’ve changed, and but there is still a common bond there that makes us stick together, you know?

Continue reading In a lot of ways, I'm just like you

One day at a time on your manna, people

Before anything else, let me thank Mr. Gary of Agape Touch. You are a great blessing as well. :) God bless you!

One of the stories that has been told to me since I was a kid was the story of Moses. I’ve always loved his story because it was so majestic and all that. I mean, who would not be awed to see the Red Sea parting, or water coming from a rock and all that? Plus, I’ve always thought Moses’ story was easy to understand because it was just composed of people who Moses was leading through the desert — stubborn, hard-headed people, that is. Much like me. ;)

Anyway, one of the parts of Moses and the Israelites’ story was where God provided food for them: meat in the form of quails and bread in the form of manna (Exodus 16:11-17). I thought that was so good of God to do that, and I thought His follow up instructions of gathering enough manna for the day (Exodus 16:16, 19) was just His way of disciplining His people so that there would not be any leftovers or spillage, plus to get their obedience in check. And of course, being the hard-headed people they are, they did not listen to God and gathered more than what they needed for the day.

Just the same, I sort of had this mentality that those “Jesus experiences” I’ve been in would be enough to last me for a long time. It’s like what happened after my own YFC Youth Camp: I didn’t know why, but I was on a spiritual high for the next few days. The same feeling lingered everytime I attended and served in camps, conferences and praisefests. No matter how tired I was after that event, I was always so happy and peaceful afterwards and that lasted the next few days. And when the feeling is gone (*cue music*), everything suddenly loses its sheen and plunges back into the ordinary: the wind where you felt God’s presence so much the day before ends up smelling like vehicle smoke, you no longer find joy in the people you live with or work with and the smallest things annoy the heck out of you.

What happened to that “high on Jesus” thing then?

Continue reading One day at a time on your manna, people