As I was on my way home last night, I realized something.

I don’t hate my job. I don’t even dislike it.

Well, that’s good.

However…

I don’t love it either.

Maybe I like it. But it’s not something I really like (see the emphasis). It’s like when you have a friend that you don’t hate or dislike…but you like that person but not like like. You get what I mean?

So why am I still here if I don’t love it?

Like I said, it’s not that I hate it. I’m doing pretty okay here actually, and I’m learning a lot. I’m making friends (I think). I’m being exposed to the industry (somewhat, but it’s kind of a different industry, actually)! I’m learning how to be professional! But…it doesn’t give me a thrill. Whenever people ask me how I’m doing with my job, I always say, “I’m learning a lot,” never “I love it!” Call it limbo. Somewhere in between.

I don’t feel the excitement you get in doing something you know you love. Like the feeling of a photographer when he sees his photos developed/printed, or when a writer gets hit by a new idea or sees his creation published, or heck, even when a shopper learns about an upcoming sale! That feeling, the feeling in your gut that no matter how difficult the task ahead may seem, it’s okay because you know that you’d love every step you’d be taking on the way and the victory is sweet because you know you loved it.

I think the word here is passion.

I think…that my staying here is influenced by the fact that I like the idea of being able to work. I like the idea of earning my own money and being busy. Of being able to do something productive with my time.

But what if that wears off?

I want to do what Anberlin sings in Time & Confusion: It’s not about the money we make / it’s about the passions that we ache for / what makes your heart beat faster? / tell me now what does your body long after? I want to do something I’m passionate about. Something that makes my heart beat faster whenever I think of it. Something that would make me look forward to waking up every Monday because I know I’m going to enjoy my day.

I wonder if maybe I’m not giving my current job a chance. I mean, I’ve only been there for four months…which is obviously very small amount of time. What do I know about the corporate world in four months? What if I’m feeling this only because of all the not-so-good things I heard, or because I find myself unknowingly comparing myself to other people? What if I’m allowing myself to be influenced, when in the first place I shouldn’t even listen to them? I feel like if I do a career move anytime soon, in anytime less than a year or two years, I am a quitter. And I am definitely not that.

But how do you qualify what quitting is? When can you say when one person is a quitter or not? What if you decide to follow your passion, and in following that you had to change careers in a short span of time, is that quitting?

What will I do now? Am You opening up doors of opportunity here, Lord, or am I thinking highly about myself? Should I go or take my time and see how things unfold before I make a move? (Well the answer to this question is obvious.)

Lord, I need help? Am I acting on my own here or is this really You behind everything I’m hearing and seeing?

Hay, why is growing up so complicated? *sigh*

On another note, because I want to be some sort of “Fairy Godmother” today, I’d make someone‘s wish come true. I’d like to plug Riz‘s pet project, Ituloy Angsulong. You go girl!

Off I go to finish reading The Martyr’s Song by Ted Dekker and cry. :P Oh, I’m crying because of the book okay? :)

Good night! :)