Try and try and try and try

I’m sorry for the sort of depressing entry last Friday. I was having some kind of weekend blues, can you believe that? But all’s better now, it’s just a spur of the moment thing.

Plus, some things happened that kind of made me realize (yet again) that I’m really okay. Really and truly okay. Sometimes I tend to forget that, and I tend to look at the things I lack before I appreciate the things I have. Yes, I’m channeling Shrek Forever After here, but what he said made sense. Sometimes we don’t know what we have till it’s gone. It’s a good thing I get reminded of it, and now I get reminded often, and it keeps my feet on the ground. And it keeps me from flailing, too. ;)

This is one thing I keep on forgetting lately: God is a good God. It’s strange how I forget something as basic as that fact. It hit me last weekend that May is ending, and we’re entering June, and June not only means the start of school, but also the start of the rainy season. And you know what the thought of rain does to me, right? Right. I wouldn’t have been as nervous if our house has been renovated, but up to now it’s not. I don’t know when that would start, and the idea of rains coming and our house still the same still kind of freaks me out.

So I was trying to calm myself down over that fact on the weekend. I’m sorry if I’m not one of the people praying for rain even if I am also dying of heat here — I’m just scared. But sometime during the weekend, as my brother and I were talking about some wedding stuff, I felt an odd sense of calm. I thought, It’s my brother’s wedding late this year, and I’m sure God won’t let us run into any disasters that would stop that.

I don’t know if it made sense. Not that I’m bargaining to God and all (although I know I do that often), but I felt as if God is quieting my fears and telling me, “Don’t forget that I am a good God, and I won’t give you anything that you can’t handle.”

It doesn’t mean that any flooding is guaranteed not to happen again, but it meant that God promises to take care of us. So I need not fear. God is a good God.

And then I found out another thing about a friend who I used to be close to. I say used to because I felt like we were drifting apart. Now, I mentioned a couple of times that I suck at keeping in touch, so drifting away from old friends isn’t a new thing, but this one particular friend mattered a lot, and I found that I had a hard time letting go — I even wrote several entries about this. I tried, and something that happened after the flood made me start picking up myself and moving on. I thought I had moved on and all, but then I heard something, and I’m back to square one.

I talked to another friend about it because I was so unsettled last Saturday. Strange, because I should be moving on — I shouldn’t care anymore. I mean, I didn’t even learn the news first hand, I had to hear it from someone else! I was so pissed about it that I wanted to cry and throw stainless steel drums! However, after praying last Sunday, I heard this gentle reminder: It’s not about you, my daughter.

So yeah. It’s not about me. Yes, I’m pissed, I’m hurt for being left out again, but this news isn’t about me. Whatever I’m feeling, it doesn’t even compare to what my friend is probably feeling. So I cannot complain. I can’t throw a tantrum and not offer my presence just because I wasn’t one of the people who heard the news first.

I could move on from this, now right? I mean, yes it’s not about me, but it doesn’t mean I should say anything, or care, right?

But it bothered me. So after a day of wallowing, I reached out to that used-to-be-close friend. I figure, there’s nothing wrong with offering. If I get a response, cool. If not, at least I did my part. I was telling all this to Jana and Gel yesterday, and they told me I’m such a nice friend, because they would have done what I initially wanted to do if it happened to them. They wouldn’t care, because in the first place, the other person didn’t care. So why make an effort, right?

I asked the same question, too, and sometimes I still wonder. I can say, “Oh, but we were friends, and it’s just the right thing to do.” While that is true, I personally think that it’s not really enough reason for me to reach out. I can remember a lot of disappointments with this friend, and I was hurt more than once, and I have all the reasons to move on with my life and all. But there’s just something inside me that bugs me, and sometimes even begs me, to try again. Even just one more time. And if nothing happens, try again. Try and try and try.

I guess there are just some people who you can’t give up on. I found mine, and well…I’m hoping this changes things. I’m not saying I’m glad my friend got hurt — that’s mean. I’m just saying that…well, I don’t know the reason, either, but I know God works in mysterious ways, and this is one thing I can’t fully comprehend just yet. What I do know is, God never gave up (and will never give up) on me, so why should I give up on my friend?

I guess this is what loving really means?

Ah, growing up. How lovely and painful, but it’s all okay when God is on your side. :)