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Things I Forget

November 23, 2014November 23, 2014 Tina 2 Comments

Sometime around last week, I started to feel this tiny little worry because my word for 2015 hasn’t found me yet.

Delight, my 2014 word found me perhaps a little around this time last year, but it felt a little obvious given everything that happened in 2013. Courage, my 2013 word found me sometime in December, I think, but I think I knew it before I finally acknowledged that word (because I was scared of it). And now, we’re about 5 weeks away from 2015, and I was coming up with nothing and I was worried.

But then there was no room for worry because the last few weeks at work were very tough ones – as in really tough – and a part of me wonders why these things had to happen on the year when I said I’d be joyful, and not on the year when I said I’d be courageous. I am supposed to be done with having to live courage all over again — it’s the year of joy, joy, joy. Why am I wrestling with fear again?

I know, I know – joy is a kind of courage, it’s not just happiness, and courage is a choice, blah, blah, blah. I know that. Except knowing and living it out are two different things and there was a huge part of me in the past few weeks that keep on resisting to what I was doing, and what I should do, and there’s this loud part of me that just wants to quit. Because it’s hard. Because it’s not fun. Because I don’t think I can do this. Because I don’t want this. Because I didn’t ask for this.

I’m trying to recall where all the guts I had from last year went. I called myself brave last year because I did things I never thought I could do. Did they disappear when I decided to take delight this year? I hope not. Or maybe I wasn’t really brave then, but you know, faking it the entire time? I hope not, too.

I remember something I learned when I started working for my current company, about how we get called to certain levels of faith. When we reach a certain point, we get to start from zero again not because we’re back to square one, but because we’re at a new level, and we need to level up with the faith points. Or joy points. Or courage points. Those kinds of things. While I was reflecting and listening to the community events I attended this weekend, I realized that maybe I am at a new level of courage, and that is why I am scared out of my wits.

Over the weekend, though, I learned that courage isn’t really what drives away fear. Which makes sense, because I always thought brave people are people full of fear who still decide to go for it, anyway. What I completely forgot – because I let my fears ruled me in the last two, three weeks – is this: love drives away fear.

How could I forget that? Perfect love. Okay, sure, my love isn’t perfect, but I am loved by a perfect God…so why am I so afraid? I know I am capable of love…so again, why am I so afraid?

It’s so simple, but I know it’s going to be hard, too, especially since I tend to fall away and worry and lately I seem to be so overwhelmed with so many things. I forget so easily, and I get distracted by so many things, and before we know it, I am back to the worrying and wanting to get out…and then today I was reminded of two things (among others):

Surrender control. Seek His will.

You see, it’s really not about what I want. It has never been that. It’s always been what God wants, what His will is. I know that I will find His will in my deepest desires, but I will only know what those deep desires if I seek His will. And part of seeking His will is surrendering all of my control. The more I try to control, the more frustrated I will get, and the more fearful I will become.

I forget so easily.

I’ve been restless in the past days because everything felt hard, so hard, and all I wanted to do was quit. But earlier today, as the people in the Catchfire 2014 conference sang Refiner’s Fire, and I leaned onto my dad, I started to cry because I realized what I forgot: my heart’s one desire is to be holy, set apart for you my Master, ready to do Your will.

I forget so easily.

It’s Monday again tomorrow, and I am already bracing myself for another tough week. God never promised that it will be easy, but He promised that He will never ever leave us. He will never ever leave me. Hasn’t He been faithful all my life – why would He be less faithful now?

Here’s to a victorious week ahead. :) Pray with me?

Oh my strength, I will sing Thy praises!
Thou o Lord are a shield to me!
Oh my King, though the battle rages,
I look with victory on my enemies.
Praise you Lord, mighty King of Zion! â™¥

Hello, my book is out

October 6, 2014October 24, 2014 Tina 9 Comments

So this wasn’t really in the plan. I mean, the plan was to write a book, publish it under a pen name, and pretend it’s not me. Because that’s the purpose of pen names, right? So my real persona won’t be known, and people won’t ask, “Is this about you?” and all that jazz.

But plans don’t always happen, as we all know. And some things are just too big (well, sort of) and too exciting to keep in secret.

Hello, my first book is out. :)

FLRebook1 — Cover design by Aia Arkoncel

Rain De Castro has been in love with her best friend, Mark Velasco, for almost the entire time she has known him, but sheâ€™s clearly in the friend zone because heâ€™s happily in a relationship. Or so she thought, until the news of his break-up reaches her. Now that Markâ€™s single again, she decides that itâ€™s time to get out of the zone. But when her cousin Lissa comes into the picture and sets her eyes on Mark, Rain feels troubled when he gets a little too friendly with her. Rain is determined to fight for what she feels this time, but is it worth the effort if itâ€™s a losing battle from the start? Will she back off to give way for her best friendâ€™s happiness, even if it means losing him to someone else again?

This is my #romanceclass project, and but really, it’s been with me since NaNoWriMo 2006. It’s 8 years in the making, and right now all I can think of is, “Finally, finally, finally.”

You see, I was really terrified of having any of my work edited, read, and consumed by the public. Never mind that I blog some stories sometimes, but you know, it’s different when you actually publish something and sell it.

But it’s also exciting and fulfilling and now my head is full of other stories that I want to write and send out into the world because we can never have too many stories and books, right?

To answer some questions…

One Hundred Days

September 23, 2014September 23, 2014 Tina 2 Comments

Not to freak you out guys…but if I counted it correctly, we only have 100 days left in 2014.Â

Okay, never mind, you can freak out now.

So in the past days since my last post, I had been working (not new), working on releasing something (eeee), been to Pangasinan and almost got caught in the middle of a typhoon on the way home, and got stuck at home for a weekend because of another typhoon, effectively missing a wedding because of all the floods. If I hadn’t been paying attention to Twitter, I wouldn’t have realized that there are 100 days left because somehow, my days just seem to blend into each other. Sometimes I even forget what happened at a certain day because other things get in the way.

I don’t want that.

I don’t want the next few days in the rest of the year to just blend into one another, for me to forget the things that happen in everyday. I don’t want to be so consumed with work, with being busy, being worrying about work and being busy that I forget the essential things. You know, the things that bring joy, the things that make me choose joy. Take delight.

It’s just 100 days left. Soon, it will be 1.

One of the things I learned in the past years is intentionality, and with that comes mindfulness. I want to make the last 100 days of 2014 to count, and for that to happen, I need to take it one intentional and mindful day at a time. I know that there will be moments that will fall into the cracks, that will get lost in the busy-ness of the days, but I don’t want them to just be forgotten.

So this is the plan: remember that #100happydays challenge? Well, I enjoyed that so much the first time, so I thought, why not another round? Except maybe I won’t use that hash tag anymore but stick to my own. I will still post photos in my instagram account, but maybe not all of them will be photos. I’m not entirely sure yet.

But I do know that I want to count down the last days of 2014 recalling at least one blessing in a day. I want my 2014 to end with me learning and relearning to choose joy, and to take delight.

Because…Joy is a choice to believe God when He calls what He has made very good, and a choice to draw near to that very good world in its ache and terror and sadness.

Are you with me? :) Happy last 100 days of 2014, friends!

* Image 1 and Image 2 (combined from we heart it