My Best Friends’ Weddings

Two of my closest friends got married in the past two weeks.

No, they didn’t get married to each other. They were two separate wedding ceremonies that we attended, the first two weddings in our little group and we were all excited to witness them get married to the loves of their lives. It was the perfect way to end 2013 and start 2014. ♥

I really like weddings. I can’t not like them, I guess, especially since my brother is a wedding videographer, and I’m always around wedding stuff when I’m with him. I like weddings not just because I’m a romantic sap, but because I think weddings are a solid proof of God’s faithfulness to His people.

All wedding stories I’ve heard from friends, and from people my brother worked with always had a story behind it, one that involved a lot of struggles and tears and heart break. It all seems lovely on the day itself, but can you imagine how the two of them got there? What did they go through, not just in preparing for the day itself, but you know, before the proposal, before they got together and all that?

Take one of my friends who got married, for example. I’ve known her since elementary, and she’s one of the nicest persons I know. She’s pretty and popular in school, and from the outside, I always thought she seemed so lucky with love, because boys always noticed her first and went for her. But I was also privy to some of her greatest heartaches, especially before she met her now husband. I can still remember those days when we’d all sit together and talk and keep her company, because the one relationship that we all thought would be forever ended like that. And then she met the next guy, and I can still remember that long discussion we had about commitment and what she wanted and what he wanted, and I saw how it was such a big decision for her and for him. It wasn’t easy, and I know I just saw a fraction of her struggles. But I saw how faithful God was to her and how He took care of her heart, and when we watched her walk down the aisle, all I could think of was: This is what we have been praying for for her. This long journey really battered her heart at some point, but it made her a different person. It made her even more beautiful, and now she’s with someone who will take care of her heart the way she deserves it, and we’re all just very happy for her.

Then our other friend, who I had the privilege of talking to about love and life for a long time as we ruminated over our own struggles. It’s funny how I was a witness to how God transformed this guy through some of these love struggles, and sometimes I still laugh when I remember how he was before to how he is now. His story with his now-wife took years in the making, and he tripped so many times in the journey, but the road led back to her again. This amazes me so much, because it almost seemed like a dead end story when he first told me about it. After a rejection, and some pizza time (because I can’t forget about that, haha), my friend started building his relationship with God, and then found his way back to his girl. I don’t mean to make it sound so simple because there was a lot of work in the background of their story, but the point is — and I’d like to borrow my friend’s term for this — it’s all God’s favor. And His faithfulness to the the people faithful to Him.

It’s not an if-else thing (because if it is, then I should have been married by now, too :P). The thing I realized over these two weddings is that God really is writing our love stories, and it’s almost always not in the way we thought they would go. If anything, the story God writes for us is way, way better for us, and something we never really thought would be possible until we get to a certain point and look back. It takes action on our part, of course, but most of it is a trust thing — trusting that wherever we are now, God is always working on us, and He always sees, and He always loves us even in our most difficult times.

It gives me hope, you know. Not just in the romantic aspect, but in all other aspects of my life. I really believe that God makes all things good and He gives what is good, and He works for the good of all the people who love Him. My idea of what is good may be different now to what He has in mind, of course, and I’m learning that bit by bit. That’s why I’m also learning take delight in Him, be it in good times or success or failures or heartache, because I trust that He knows and sees more than I do.

And He is faithful, always and forever. My closest friends are proof of this. :)

♥

Not Fragile

One of my closest friends visited my best friend and I one day at work to catch up and meet with another friend who went home for a vacation. It’s been a while since I talked to her, so we updated each other with the state of our lives. I gave her the short version of what was up with me, and before I was finished, I can already tell her reaction, and I sort of knew what she was going to say.

As expected, she was pissed off — and she said it in her really nice way, because she’s really the nicest among our group of friends. And also, as expected, she started ranting about it (in a very nice way, too), and then she said what I knew she would say:

“We don’t want you to get hurt.”

With that, my best friend, who was listening to the conversation while eating dinner, snorted. “I’m not a part of that ‘we’. She needs to go through this.”

* * *

You know how sometimes we hesitate to do things, or say things, because we fear hurting the other person, or we fear making things awkward? Sometimes, we hesitate because we’re not sure how the other person would react, or what they’re thinking. Then with all our hesitation, we decide not to do anything anymore because it might be better to do it later on, if there’s a chance. Sometimes, we don’t even hesitate — we don’t do things anymore, because we think the other person will just take offense and whatever you do will just make things worse.

And I totally agree with that: we need to be careful with one another and treat one another with love and think about what we say, because we do have the capacity to hurt the people we love the most. I agree with that, and I believe in discerning when to say what you need to say, and the right timing to open things up and all that.

But I also believe that sometimes, we need to give the people we love enough credit that they can take what we dish without totally ruining everything.

It’s just like what my two friends said: yes, they don’t want to see me hurting…but how will I ever learn if I don’t go through some things on my own?

I appreciate the thought, really, of how people don’t want to see me hurting. I really, really do. No one wants to see the people they love hurting, or sad, or even just upset. If anything, I would want to spare the people I love of how life can hurt them. And of course I don’t want to get hurt, too.

But there are times when the only way to get to the end is through some things, and we are never guaranteed a smooth ride through. No one said it was easy. And no one ever got through life without getting hurt.

No one ever got through life without hurting the people they love. This doesn’t give you an excuse to just hurt the people around you intentionally. This isn’t about being mean or manipulative or tactless or just plain harsh just so you can prove that you’re right and they’re wrong. It’s about showing them you love and trust them enough to know that they can take whatever you dish. It means not walking on eggshells around the person every time so you won’t hurt them, ever. That’s just impossible. And sometimes, being too careful with them just hurts more. Yes, there is a time to be careful with what you say or do, to tread carefully and speak gently. But sometimes, we mask this carefulness as an escape, as a way to not be responsible for breaking the other person’s heart so you won’t get blamed for the fallout.

That’s a cop out, and perhaps a little bit selfish. We have to give the people we love a little more credit. We have to stop thinking that people are fragile all the time. I’d like to believe that they’re stronger than we think they are, and if we act out of true, selfless love and sincerity, it won’t be that bad. I mean, I’d like to hope it won’t be. Don’t you trust their love enough that they can take whatever you have to say? Don’t you trust yourself enough to say things with enough grace so you won’t leave scars? Don’t you trust that you can forgive each other after everything? That you can move forward from this, and start anew?

lylbs
Image from weheartit, edited by me, line from Switchfoot’s Let Your Love Be Strong

The more important thing, I think, is to make the most loving choices when these moments come. To choose to love, and forgive, and to give grace, despite everything. To be present, when the fallout comes and to stay through it. There’s a right time to give comfort and be kind, to offer your shoulder to cry on, or even back off when you think what you’ll say will just hurt. There’s a time to cry, there’s a time to grumble and be mad about things for a while, if it helps. But there’s also time to open up, to face each other, to be vulnerable and to trust that the love and care you have for each other is strong enough to weather these storms.

We need to break these walls we build around ourselves and around the people we love in the pretense of protection. Let us find the courage to see and be seen, and be brave enough to love each other with a fierce love that doesn’t make (or take) excuses. Let us love each other with the kind of love that speaks of the truth even when it hurts, gives unlimited grace and forgives. Love is tough enough to handle tough love. Love endures all things, after all.

Perfect Love (A repost)

Yes, I’m still on a break. But I’m here again, because I came across some thoughts in the past days that made me dig through my old blog, knowing wrote something about it. I found it, and I thought I’d repost it here, because I think it’s relevant, and God knows how much we/I need a reminder of this sometimes. So this isn’t really a real post, except maybe it also is, but whatever, right? :P

Refine Me, January 7, 2009

One of my favorite verses about love is on today’s first reading:

There is no fear in love. Perfect love drives out fear, for fear has to do with punishment; those who fear do not know perfect love. (1 John 4:18)

Sometimes, when I think of love (especially the romantic one) objectively (which is how I think of it, more often than not, heh), it’s very easy to see it all in a straight line — I’d do this, I’d do that, I won’t do that he did and I will never do what she it. But when I hear and read stories from other people about love, I realize yet again that it’s not always black and white. If anything, it’s full of gray areas. Crossroads. Both roads seem the right thing to do, but which is really the most loving thing?

You know how people often wonder how you’d know if you love another person? Well, I think that verse up there is really the answer. I remember back in college, when we would have these kinds of discussion, we’d often bring up what St. Paul said to the Corinthians:

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. (1 Corinthians 13:4-7)

We used to say that when you can replace all instances of “love” there with your name (unless of course, your name is Love), that’s, well, love. But that verse only describes what love is and love makes us do, which I know once a person loves someone, they’re really willing to do all these, no matter how difficult it is. But how about when you’re not sure if you love the person already?

I think I may be going in circles there but hear me out a bit. How would you know if it is love? Maybe when you don’t feel any fear, just as what the verse states. Maybe it’s when you think of the future with that person and although it’s very uncertain, you feel secure, knowing that you’ll have someone. When you think about jumping and making a risk, you feel afraid but you still do it anyway, knowing everything will be all right in the end. Maybe it’s when you’re secure with yourself and in the person, knowing that no matter what happens, no matter how you look, no matter how chaotic everything else around is, even if the world is ending, the person will still be there, loving you.

It’s a tall order. And more often than not, people fail. But that’s why we just have to keep on trying, right?

Bringing it closer to home and in a non-romantic way, perfect love is there when:

  • a mother calls to console their scared daughter about her upcoming thesis defense, and tell her that it will be okay no matter what the outcome is.
  • a father tells his tired and worn out sophomore teen that they will finish the project on time, even if he is very tired himself.
  • a brother takes the time to cook for his sick sister and make her drink her medicines even if she feels like she’s getting worse.
  • a brother goes out of his way to meet his sister at a mall and bring her laptop to the service center to have the adapter fixed, and then drop his sister off to the dorm on commute just to make sure she gets back safe.
  • friends listen to another friend who finally takes a step away from a destructive habit and promises no judgment.

Perfect love drives out fear. And God is love. Ergo, God drives out fear. :) Comforting, isn’t it?

Wherever you are, whatever you are going through right now, may you find peace in God’s love.

* * *

Image from we heart it
Image from we heart it

I had to laugh at how that post up there seemed so naive, but also a little wise in some ways. I have no comment over what I wrote there about romantic love because I still don’t have any answers to what I said there four years later. There’s so much I didn’t know there. And there’s still so much I don’t know now.

But you know what? That’s okay.

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