“Tell all fearful souls, ‘Courage! Take heart! God is here, right here, on his way to put things right and redress all wrongs. He’s on His way! He’ll save you!'”
– Isaiah 35:4 (The Message)
It’s moments like these that I realize that I’m not as much as I think I am. I’m not as nice, as friendly, as “big shot” as I used to think I was. I’m not putting on any airs; but I admit that I used to think that I am, well, that much. Without being boastful, that is. I tend to keep it to myself, telling myself that I’m special, that people would love to have me as a friend and those who don’t…well, it’s their loss.
Okay, to myself, I’m full of pride, but I try not to show it to other people. That’s why when I get disappointed, it hurts twice as much because I hide a big ego. Because of that, I’ve lost something that I know is an important part of me.
See, I’m not really much of a big dreamer. I’d like it if someone dreams with me, because at the back of my mind, I know that I could at least rely on that person to dream the big dream while I work in the background. I’m somewhat of a control freak. I like it when things are under my control, when things are predictable. I don’t really jump into things unless I am about 75% sure that I can do it. My being a control freak stopped me from dreaming big dreams for myself. I guess you could say that the bigger the dream, the bigger the risk, and I don’t want that risk.
Lately…the control freak is panicking because the control freak can’t seem to take things under her control. I’ve tried to lose my being a control freak and live a bit spontaneously but it’s hard. I am not a spontaneous person. I try to be, but I end up looking silly. And big dreams tend to be spontaneous…and I’m afraid to look silly after dreaming big dreams. It’s not that I don’t think it’s useful to make them…it’s just that I can’t bear the possibility of not reaching it and disappointing myself. And that just sucks.
It’s funny how God chooses these moments to really get to your heart. I read an email before about how God keeps you in certain places just so He could get ahold of your attention. Holding patterns, as we call them. It’s like what God did to Jonah: Jonah was afraid to obey God’s command, so he ran away and he got so messed up that God had to bring him inside the belly of the whale just so He could talk to Jonah without any other distraction.
I believe God works in that way for everyone of us. Me included. Sometimes being in a holding pattern is hard because I don’t even recognize it. Right now, I feel that God is urging me to move forward, to take the risk. To really leave my comfort zone. To be more of the person that I used to think I am. To grow. Not to be afraid of the opportunities that are being presented in front of me for fear of looking silly or being disappointed. To trust Him fully in this part of my life. Not to give up. And most of all, to start dreaming BIG. Because like what Kuya Jomai said last night…God is a big time God.
After all, He has promised that He will take care of me. And if there’s anyone who has ever been true to His promise, it’s Him. God.
When we decide to obey God and follow His will, we shouldn’t forget one thing that obedience also entails: to enjoy. God won’t lead us to places where we would be asked to obey but end up being miserable. He wants us to OBEY AND ENJOY. I shouldn’t forget the enjoy part, because in this particular phase of my life, I should enjoy every bit of it.
Lord, I’m still scared. There are so many unsure things right now that I just feel like quitting this early. But I’ll follow You. I’ll obey AND enjoy this entire trip, because I know that You’re bringing me higher. Calm my heart Father, that I may stop fearing what tomorrow will bring, but be always trusting that You will never leave me alone. Help me to believe and to dream big dreams that You want to fulfill for me. Help me to take risks, knowing fully that You will never let me get hurt. I love You Lord. ♥