Category Archives: Dear Diary

Polar Opposites

I’m noticing a pattern in the past few days.

Image from sxc.huLast Monday, I was talking to some friends on chat, and I find out the following:

  • One friend is now happily in a relationship
  • One friend is nursing a broken heart
  • Another friend found out something not so nice about the guy she’s dating

Today, I found out:

  • A friend gave birth to her first baby last weekend
  • A friend’s dad passed away yesterday

Talk about polar opposites. And all during the Christmas season.

Things like this baffle me. Sometimes I wish there was something we can do to stop bad things from happening at this time of the year, because let’s face it: who wants to experience death and broken hearts at this time of the year when people are supposed to celebrate? Can’t it be in any other time of the year?

But who wants to welcome bad things at any other time of the year, though?

And…how can we appreciate the good if it not for the bad?

Life and death. Happiness and sadness. All together in one cycle…does this mean one cannot be there without the other?

Ah well. Thoughts all over the place again. Sometimes I want to contain them all in a metal building, just so they won’t run all over the place in the middle of the work week.

Forgive me for this word vomit. I’ll try to post something more coherent next time.


Our annual physical exam for work is scheduled a little bit earlier so now we’re supposed to go do our physicals this week. I was expecting it to be on January, but it’s not like we can do anything to have it rescheduled.

I know I’ve turned into somewhat of a health buff in the last year, but I’ve loosened up on all the health stuff I’ve been doing late this year, so I’m sort of kind of scared of the upcoming exam. Weird, right? I mean, I usually go through these exams and not worry about anything because I know there’s nothing to worry about, but this year, I feel extra anxious for some reason. There is nothing to be worried about, right?

I guess the idea that blood chemistry is added in our annual physical exam added to my anxiety. It used to be only complete blood count but they added blood chemistry, so now we’re supposed to fast before the exam, which means I have to put that in schedule, too. Meh. That’s 10-12 hours of no food or liquid…how will I give my urine sample, then? Ack.
I worry too much.

I guess anything health related is kind of worrying. Well, I know I shouldn’t, but sometimes I feel like I hardly take care of myself, even if I’ve been taking the time to exercise and all that. Still, you never know what could hit you even if you’ve taken care of your health and all. I’ve heard stories of some healthy people who suddenly get sick with serious diseases and stuff. And I’m afraid to know that I am sick, or if I would require some kind of operation or something.

And I don’t want to be sick. Who wants to be?

But isn’t it scarier if I find out when it’s all too late? When I could have prevented everything if I did what I had to do at this age and not push it all for later?

You know what, I think all this anxiety is also because I haven’t been really okay spiritually. As usual. I always falter. I’ve stopped struggling for the past few months already that sometimes I wonder how far gone I am. And if I could ever get back where I used to be.

Ah well. This is one fact of life that I can’t skip, and I know that I must face, and pray that everything will be okay. It will be okay, right? I’m just being paranoid, right?

*deep breath* Dear God, even if I keep on forgetting You lately, please don’t forget me.  Lord help me remember that You’re bigger than any of this. Please let everything be okay.

Counting Down to Christmas

November has come and gone, and I thought I would never finish my novel. Well, I didn’t finish it, but I got to 50,000+ words and I promptly stopped writing. I never thought I’d get there. True, this year’s draft is probably the crappiest of them all, but I don’t care. Right now I’m content to having the unfinished draft of Song Bird residing in the deep recesses of my hard drive, never to see the light of day until I finally sit down and figure out what the story is really about. Because right now, I have no idea. :P

The novel I still want to finish is 2008’s and I must really, really sit down and finish that. :)

On another note, it’s December! December is my next favorite month after March, for obvious reasons. I love that Christmas is just around the corner, I love that December means cooler weather, and I love that December means the year is ending and we’ve got a new year coming. I’ve been feeling extra cheerful ever since yesterday, and I’m betting it’s the holiday season.

Of course, there’s another side of Christmas that I’ve been feeling a lonely chill to lately…but nah. I don’t want to think about that. :P

So Christmas! This means:

  • Christmas shopping – more people to give gifts to, and I’m glad the other people are so easy to give gifts to now. :P
  • Christmas stories – Wordplay will be revived!
  • Christmas readings – Did anything ever stop me from reading
  • Christmas eating – of course. I feel a bit guilty for being too lazy to go to the gym today, though (eep). Definitely not the best way to lose weight, folks. :P

Of course, Christmas means more than that, but allow me to be caught up in the festivities for now. :)

So I just thought I’d drop in and say hi. Now that NaNoWriMo is out of the way, it’s time to get busy with other things I have put on hold. I should start doing that now. So happy December everyone!

White Dress

So my brother got married last Thursday.

My brother proposed to his girlfriend during the Chris Daughtry concert back in 2008. They were supposed to get married last year, but because of budget constraints, they decided to push the wedding to the following year, which was a blessing, too because of what happened to our family last year.

Anyway, so I was supposed to give a surprise message to my brother last Thursday. It was supposed to be a surprise, but because both of them were stressed out, he somehow read the program and found out about it. It was timely that I was writing my “speech” in the hotel room that night, and tearing up on it slightly. Hah.

I was supposed to blog the night before the wedding, but of course there has to be no Internet at the hotel. It’s okay, though. I wrote the speech, but it’s in the other computer, plus I didn’t even read it in full. Of course, I did it extemporaneously even with that. So here’s the gist of what I said:

My brother and I were not close when we were kids. I think people who have siblings can attest to that — when you’re still kids, you just don’t get along with your siblings.

I think my brother and I started getting closer when I was in second year in college. That was the time when his ex broke up with him. I remember the first time his ex asked for space. I didn’t see him cry, but my mom said my brother cried, and for some reason, I immediately teared up! When she finally broke up with him, I didn’t see him cry, either. I did see him have that generally sad air — he would tear up at random times, hear mass almost everyday and finally, he would play The Art of Letting Go CDs in the car every single time. Yes, he was broken-hearted all right.

When he took cooking classes near my college, that was when we started talking more. He told me about more of his life, his ex, and his friends, and in turn, I started telling him stuff, too. That’s when we started growing closer, and I think that helped a lot because when he started courting Ate Liza, I was also one of the first to know. I think I was also one of the first to know when they were finally official — I remember a very jubilant text message from him that night. :)

My brother and I are hardly sentimental to each other, and usually, we joke around when we say “I love you” to each other. But allow me to be slightly sentimental tonight: I’m happy that you’re happy now, Kuya. Thanks for being my brother. :)

And to Ate Liza: welcome to the family! I meant what I said in your wedding guestbook: I’m really glad it’s you. I finally have a sister! :)

Congratulations and best wishes, and I love you both!

Oh, and I can’t wait to be a tita. :)

It was definitely a beautiful wedding. Thank You Lord for all the people, for everyone who helped, for the good weather, and for all the love that we felt that night. :) It was actually quite nice to see my brother tear up when he saw his bride. ;)

And I mean it — I can’t wait to be an aunt. :P I think I will be one of the most excited ones when my sister-in-law (woooh got to get used to that!) starts taking prenatal one multivitamins. :)

Oh and the night was even more awesome because of my really awesome friends:

Thanks, friends, for being there to celebrate the night with us. :) So who’s getting married next?

One more thing! Sharing my brother’s same-day edit video made by his videographer friends. Beautiful video, beautiful song (White Dress by Ben Rector — contributed by yours truly!). And you’ll see my brother cry here. Haha. Love you Kuya. :)

[vimeo 15892161]

I never knew that I could love someone the way that I love you… ♥


Of course I can’t let this day pass without blogging.

The past few days have been grueling for me, with lack of sleep, family errands and work stress all coming down on me all at the same time. I have never felt so tired, so giddy, so pissed and so stressed in one week, so much that I wanted to cry as Friday ends. I’ve been trying not to make it such a big deal and not stress over stuff, but sometimes you just can’t help but feel it.

Suffice to say that I’m sort of dreading tomorrow because I do not want to be stressed again. At least, not in the same level as I was last Friday. I mean, I’m all for taking responsibility, but don’t you hate it when you have to take responsibility for other things other people committed to do when you weren’t even involved in it in the first place? And you’re put into tremendous pressure because no one else can pick up the slack? UGH. Seriously, give me a break.

BUT. I must stop. No more stressing out.

I wanted to write something fun about 10.10.10..but honestly, I’m out. I’m sort of just waiting for this year to end, which kind of sucks because that’s not how it’s supposed to be. I should be enjoying 2010, I should be thankful because on the overall, it’s not such a bad year. I think I’m just resisting the changes coming, somewhat, or maybe I’ve bitten off more than I can really chew and I’m close to choking.

I really, really hope not.

Let’s see. What are the other stuff that’s coming up anyway?

  • Brother’s wedding
  • Adidas King of the Road
  • NaNoWriMo 2010
  • Runrio leg 3
  • Christmas

Why does it feel like I’m running out of time again?

I’m pretty sure I need to take a step back and figure out what else I can set to accomplish before this year ends. I’m sure I won’t meet all my goals anymore, but I sure want to say that I tried meeting some of them. I need to stop being chicken (about driving  — learning about car insurance quotes included — and getting checked up), to stop being lazy (writing, baking, getting to my ideal weight). I need to start doing something…I don’t know, worthwhile?

Yes, I’m having a growing up crisis today. Oh hormones, would this be you? Please be you.

I think one of the important things I’ve learned — or I’m starting to learn — lately is to stop sweating the small stuff. I musn’t stress over the things I can’t really control, or stress over the things that I shouldn’t really be stressing about. And I have a feeling I’m doing that now with this semi-growing-up crisis I’m having.

Focus. Focus. And prayer. I haven’t been praying for a while now. Must get back. There is no excuse for me not to pray. I’m not holding my end of the relationship well — I’m sorry, God.

Okay breathe. That’s it. It will be okay. By God’s grace, I’ll be okay, and I’ll snap out of this funk and I’ll be able to enjoy the good stress that my life brings and enjoy it at every moment, no matter what.

Dear Jesus, please be with me. I know I haven’t been the best daughter lately, I’m sorry. Please help me get back on track.

10.10.10 seems like a good place and time to start.

More long weekends, please?

I’ve had a lot of long weekends the past year, but I think this recent long weekend has been the most productive of all. Strange, because this long weekend isn’t really planned, but I’ve learned from experience that the unplanned stuff are always the best. Right? :)

Of course it’s not that I didn’t make plans. I did, but the fun thing is I didn’t stress (much) about any of them, and I actually followed through with most of them. Plus, I realized this weekend became a “me” weekend, and I think it has been ages since I last that.

So what exactly did I do?


I blogged about this before, but I think it’s worth mentioning again that I used to clean my room three times a year when I was in college, once every term break. It’s amazing how much junk a room can accumulate in three to four months’ time, but it’s understandable then because I was a student and I had a lot of stuff in my room. When I started working, I only used my room as a sleeping place, so it got messy but there was no reason to clean it. I don’t have a “fresh start” for every term, anyway.

Anyway, ever since Ondoy, my room has been a royal mess because it acts sort of like my brother’s closet too since he lost all his room’s furniture in the flood. I had my own mess there of course, and my mom has been bugging me to clean it before she left for Saipan and now she’s back, it’s still messy. I’ve put this one off for the longest time but I knew I had to do it especially since the rains were coming, and I don’t want to lose any more books to a flood.

So I finally found the time last Friday — no more putting it off, mostly because I realized I can’t keep on buying books if I don’t have shelf space! So…I cleaned half of my room! :) Yay! I have a more detailed post (with pictures) on my book blog.

Oh, and I now have a count at the total number of books I have yet to read: 52. Heh.


Saturday was another me day, with a twist. I wasn’t planning to head to my second home, Ortigas, but I received a box of pastel last week and half of it is for my friend, Cors. So I trekked over to Galleria to meet her and to set an appointment with the salon to get myself a well-deserved (and a bit expensive) hair cut. I wasn’t planning to try something new with my hair, but I’m easily convinced to do something lately, so I gave in. The end result? Shorter hair, and bangs. The last time I had bangs, I was what, seven? I can’t remember anymore.

You want a picture? Excuse the low quality here — I suck at self portraits. :P

I kind of wish I could have my hair professionally treated everyday. Hah. Let’s see tomorrow if my hair will continue to behave. :P


Now, I really wasn’t planning to do anything today, except hear mass and do some writing in the evening. But of course, plans can change and I’m learning to be more spontaneous this time. My best friend, Toni, is finally back from his GX trip (more details at his blog, for sure), and we met up for a yummy (but surely fattening haha) dinner at Flaming Wings. He has pictures so I can’t share yet, but it was a definitely a great way to end the long weekend.

And tomorrow is Monday again. Sigh. Okay, I really don’t mind, although I’m kind of worried at how much work we’ll be facing tomorrow and the next week. But we shall endure. It will be okay. Plus, I have another trip to look forward to this weekend — Cebu trip with friends! :) Yay! I know I said I’d return the following year after I went there recently, but two years isn’t that bad, right? Remind me to write an itinerary — any suggestions? :)

Oh well. Back to our different offices and technology jobs tomorrow! Have a great week, everyone! :)

On which I welcome pain

I have  confession to make.

I haven’t been working out as much as I used to.


I wished I looked as fit as this woman...but no.

I can’t remember when it started exactly, but I think it started after I got sick last July. I didn’t go to the gym much because I was battling with my lungs thanks to asthma. It was followed by a particularly good bout of fitness thanks to the Rexona Race, where my body fat % went down to 25%, the lowest it’s ever been in so far. Then I started feeling this weird pain on my ankle after I ran again on the treadmill after the race. So I took it easy for a while to make sure my ankle is okay (which reminds me, I still need to go and have them checked).

The problem with this is my schedule. I have no problems with my gym schedule for day shift because I take classes after work, and I get more work outs then. My newer mid shift schedule makes it a bit of a problem, because it’s late, and there are no classes past 1:00pm at the gym, so I end up running. And since I can’t really run because of my ankle pain…what else can I do?

I used to work out 4-5 times a week, but now I’m happy if I hit 3. Remember my laziness last Monday because it’s a holiday? Yeah, that kind of extended almost all week.


After binging on Ben and Jerry’s Peanut Butter Cup ice cream last Sunday (OH MY LORD THE ICE CREAM GOODNESS!), I gave in to my conscience and hit the gym hard yesterday. It’s a good thing it’s a holiday in the US yesterday so I had an excuse to go to work early, so I managed to get a run and attend Body Jam in the afternoon, followed by six sets of ab workouts (yes, I’m crazy).

When I woke up this morning, I felt something I haven’t felt in the longest time: post-exercise pain.

Let me just say: oh how I missed thee!

It sounds crazy, I know, but it’s been a long while since I felt that. You the muscle pains you get after you work out, especially if you haven’t been doing so for a while? That kind of pain. That means my muscles are getting stronger, and after regularly exercising for the past few months, I rarely feel that now. Feeling that in my abs is a welcome thing, because I missed it, even if I can’t laugh so much because of it.

Earlier today, I was working out again and my abs screamed in agony as I was doing planks. Masochistic, I know, but after all the eating I’ve been doing for the past few weeks? Well, someone’s got to pay. I haven’t even done my whole program yet and everything is painful — what more if I did? Eep. Honestly, I would’ve done more if I had time today — if there were pull up bars there, I would’ve even attempted that. Or…okay fine, maybe not. :P Ah pain. You’re welcome, even if I complain about you.

I weighed myself earlier after two weeks or so of hiding from the scale. I’m glad to say that even if I did gain weight, it wasn’t as bad as I thought it was. I can still do this. A good 10k race should do the trick, and proper diet, of course.

But first, get my ankle checked.

Fitness isn’t an easy road, and frankly, I’m getting tired of being a gym rat, but I can’t back down now after all that I’ve lost. There is no way I am going back there. Nope, no way.

Of course, the presence of this isn’t helping:

Omnomnomnom Pastel! ♥ Thanks Anj! :)

Ah well. :)

Life Plans

Before anything else: I think I have a new food addiction.

Starbucks Coffee Jelly

Awesomely yummy coffee that perks me up. My diet is going to suffer/is suffering, but gosh this coffee is good. And after my realization about caffeine and me, I am consuming more. I don’t know if it’s just me PMS-ing, but coffee really perks me up, so I need one. In a day.

Oh dear.

Did I tell you how much I love the Dark Roast Coffee Jelly Frapp? Ahhh.

* * *

On another note. Today I went to work early to attend to a meeting with one of the big bosses at work. I’ve been blessed enough to be a part of a selected group of employees who get this privilege to meet the leaders of our company, so I’ve “met” a few. And you know what really and truly mystifies me about them right now? Their general disposition. Well, I can’t blame them for being so happy to travel and so seemingly relaxed because I know Filipinos take care of visitors very well. But it seems like their happiness is deeper. I’m not sure if they’re absolutely content with what they have or what they’re doing, but they look so relaxed, so clear-headed and so…cheerful. Whereas I need coffee to be cheerful. I’d imagine people on higher positions would be more stressed than I am, but they’re not. So. Mystifying.

Then again I don’t think you’d reach that position without being stressed at some point. And I don’t think it would be good if they’re still stressing over the little stuff when they’re in that position, right?

So anyway, one of the important things I learned today is this: have a career plan. But more importantly, I should have a life plan. Because a career plan is just for your career and a life plan is for your, well, life. That is your driving force, why you’re doing what you’re doing. And work is just a means to an end.

Which brings me to a deep question that I don’t have an answer just yet (and I have been trying to answer for the longest time!): what is my life plan?

Nope, no concrete answer to that, yet.

Which is probably why I’m in some sort of career crisis right now. Nothing serious, but lately I’ve been asking a question: Where am I heading? What am I doing? Is this still what I want? I love my company, I like my job, but I don’t know if I should still be doing this or if I should be doing something else. Frankly, sometimes I get bored already. And even if there are coming changes in the team, I still wasn’t excited about it. I’m more overwhelmed, actually, and I’m not sure if I even like it.

Which brings me to another thing I learned today: every risk should have enough push and pull before you take it. If there’s too much push and not enough pull, it means I’m running away. If there’s too much pull but not enough push, then maybe I’m being forced to move. It makes sense, right?

Maybe the reason why I am having a career crisis is because I haven’t figured out two important things, which were also brought up earlier: find out what you’re good at that you’ll be known for, and find your successor. If you ask me now, I do know what I’m good at, but I don’t know if it’s something I can use at work, or in my career, you know. I’d like to believe that my skills, or at least the things I know I am good at right now (writing, sort of managing, debugging, sort of project management) are somewhat valuable to my work. I’m just not sure if I could be known for them, if I’m good enough to be known for them.

And the successor thing. That I haven’t done. Am I worthy to have a successor? Perhaps.

I suddenly had this some sort of panic attack earlier this morning, when a scenario flashed in my mind. I can’t really blog about it, but it is related to work, and even if I know I’m heading to that, I’m not sure if I want that now. I don’t know if I’m ready for it, even if I know it’s going to give some excitement to my career. You know those things? Talk about panic, as in I could hardly breathe (it wasn’t the type where I’d need portable oxygen concentrator, but it was kind of scary) and I almost wanted to bury myself somewhere at home and not go anywhere.


I prayed after that panic attack of course (I love it that today’s reflection in My Utmost for His Highest was trusting in Him), and later on at the meeting, I was affirmed again when the boss said: If you worry about something too much, it won’t happen.

Makes sense, right?

It’s kind of a lot of think about now, but I’m really glad I attended that. It was almost like a breath of fresh air, you know?

So at the end of the day, I still don’t know what my life plan is. But I know that I’m not alone. And I am wiser right now than I was this morning. Which is a good thing, right?

I’d write more but I have a storyboard due tomorrow. So I leave you with this. For the first time this week, I am actually cheerful (but that may be just because of the coffee ^^ ).

3047886 Hahahaha, Hey Tina wag mo na lang pansinin yang mga yan, bangag pa yan kagabi. Flying cackroach, hhhhmmmnnn. Don’t worry I’ll always bring a baygon for you. hahahahaha. Ako ata ang bangag. ^_^

I will run this race

So. The Rexona Run was my secnd 10k run, and I wanted to be ready. My brother, his girlfriend and I registered early and I have been training for it for it ever since we registered. I know I can run 10k, but I wanted to at least try beat my personal record of 1:17:16.

Thing is, about two weeks before the run, I had a bout of asthma. Wait, change that — not a simple bout, but an almost week-long asthma that I wasn’t sure if I would be able to run properly. I couldn’t even try to run on the treadmill without running after my breath. Ahh it was so frustrating.

But still. The run was actually…good.

So! In bullets!

  • For the first time, we were actually early for the race. We arrived at the MOA grounds just before the 21k runners left, so there was plenty of time to warm up and prepare for our gun start.
  • I noticed that there were more 10k runners this time. I figure those who started out with 5k are now running 10k now, like me.
  • My Nike+ didn’t start properly as the race started, so there the data is kind of inaccurate. I think I need to calibrate it once again. The time is 2 minutes off, but I ran farther? Unless it’s really not 10k? Or something. I like how my graph looked, though:
  • If you’re wondering why that’s so squiggly, I decided to follow my brother’s strategy: to just run at a certain pace and slow down every now and then, but not really slow down. I have a feeling that every time the graph dips it’s a water station. I slow down there because (1) I don’t want to slip and (2) I had to get a drink. By the fourth water station though, I had to skip it because I felt that I needed to pee. And we know what happens when I run and I need to pee. :o It’s a good thing I skipped because the only portalets were at the end of the race.
  • Longest last stretch ever. When I saw the last 1km mark, I was excited and I thought I could run the entire kilometer already. But when I turned to the street, I realized that the finish line was so far away! :( I only ran again after there was about 200 meters left, after a college friend called out my name.
  • I love the quotes at each marker — funny and inspiring at the same time. I think this post summarizes that well.
  • But I have the most unglamorous running shots. I should learn how to project when it comes to running photos. This may be the best shot I have among the photos:

    Well look who loves running.
  • Official time: 1:15:12. That’s two minutes off my first 10k, friend. I just broke my personal record (and raised my muscle mass without noxycut — I haven’t been lifting weights, but my muscles went up after the run).

One last, but I won’t put it in bullets: I just found the best running play list ever, at least for me. I discovered it one time while I was running on the treadmill. Break Free by Hillsong United played, I suddenly felt energized. It’s been a while since I last listened to them, and I realized that if there was any song that I needed to listen to when I run, it’s got to be about the One who’s made me run. The One who made this body to run. Who am I running for, anyway?

I think that was what made this race better than the previous one: I spent almost the entire run in prayer. The songs helped, and I even broke into song every now and then while I was running. There was this lightness in my heart, a voice inside me that tells me I can do it, and tells me that He is pleased with me. It was almost like a mountain-top experience, and I loved that I got to talk to God for almost a whole hour. Running can be a spiritual experience, and I proved that during the last run.

So will I run again? Of course. I’m planning to just keep doing 10k (and maybe 15k once) for the rest of the year and then maybe, maybe break into 21k by next year. I just need to make sure I’m conditioned for that length.

Yeah, I will keep running this race, these races. Thank You Lord for giving me running so I can see Your glory. :)

Household Management

I wonder how she does it.

My mom left to visit our dad in Saipan more than a month ago, which left me in charge of the household stuff at home. I wasn’t really that stressed over it because I know I can handle it, and she’d be back before we know it. That, and my mom was in Saipan for almost three months last time, and we managed just fine. No biggie, right?

Well, it’s been almost five weeks, and honestly? I’m tired. I’m not really sure why, especially since we have household help now, and having her around solved the problem of what to eat, especially early in the morning when I have to prepare to work, or when it’s late and I’m tired and I wanted something home cooked. But still, I can’t help but think about the stuff at home — like do we have enough to eat? Did I pay everything I have to pay for? Add that with my work, my gym time, and everything else that I had to deliver…well, it’s kind of crazy. What exhausted me more, I think, is handling the budget.

I think I am pretty good at handling budget, but I totally forgot how many bills that my mom keeps track of. I only keep track of three credit cards, one phone bill and two insurances, and I feel that’s a lot already…but now that I handled the bills at home, all I can say is wow. So many things to pay for, so many things to consider in the budget! It’s a good thing I’m not studying anymore, because I honestly have no idea how my parents can fit in all those expenses! Sometimes I feel like I can’t even budget my own money — what more for them, when they’re still providing some stuff for us?

But I guess that’s what my parents, especially my mom, is gifted at. Managing the household. Making sure everything is running. Making sure we’re all full, safe, and provided for. Seeing how I prefer so many luxuries now, I don’t know if I’ll ever reach their level of unselfishness.

Ah well. I have one more week left of handling the household, and then my mom will be home, finally.No wonder I’m so stressed, and why my skin is breaking out (pretty soon I’ll have to look for best acne treatment to get rid of these). Tomorrow…or I mean later, I’m taking the time off to treat myself. There’s no stopping me.

And before I go: I miss you Ma! :)