On Singlehood, Love and Surrender

“I want you to live a life as free of complications as possible. When you’re unmarried, you’re free to concentrate on simply pleasing the Master..the time and energy that married people spend on caring and nurturing each other, the unmarried can spend in becoming whole and holy instruments of God. I’m trying to be helpful and make it as easy as possible for you, not make things harder. All I want is for you to be able to develop a way of life in which you can spend plenty of time with the Master without a lot of distractions.
– St. Paul, 1 Corinthians 7:32, 34-35 (The Message)

A lot of people already know about this about me, but in case you don’t know, I’m part of the “highly prestigious” club of NBSB: No Boyfriend Since Birth. I’m also the founding member of MAMS: Mabuhay Ang Mga Single, which I started Valentine’s Day 2004. I’ve pretty much been a single all my life, and I’ve never had any guy I like pay attention to me that way or at least seem to reciprocate what I’m feeling. At least, I think so.

Loser, eh? I’ve more or less accepted that. I don’t know what’s in me that does not seem to be attractive enough to make the guys I like to like me back. Or have someone like me, period. Have you ever wondered about that? If you’re in the same situation as I am, I’m pretty sure you’ve thought about that. I remember asking a friend once, during one of my emotional periods: “You told me I chose the right man…but why doesn’t the right man choose me?”

BUT, before you think I’m being bitter here, believe it or not, I’m not. Again, I’m not bitter about being single. Or not having a boyfriend. Especially not about the lack of guys paying attention to me in that way.

True Love Waits (image courtesy of www.bobsiemon.com)You see, for the past years, God has placed me in this wonderful journey that just displays His awesome power, majesty and love in every curve, turn and corner of it. Yes, I’ve never had a boyfriend or a suitor, but I’ve had my own share of crushes, even more serious crushes, what-if’s and what-might-have-been’s. I’ve filled notebooks and blogs about a particular guy, documenting every moment that involved him or at least thoughts of him. I’ve wrriten stories and poems about these guys. I’ve wasted lots of money on texting some guys who I really like (and them never replying as much). I’ve got songs that remind me of them and of events that involve them. I’ve got remembrances stuck in my journal, Y!M archives saved in my computer, and text messages written in special notebooks. And most of all, I’ve had my share of tears whenever I’d feel depressed or disappointed about the guy and something he did, or did not do. Though I’ve never been in a break-up, I’ve been in other situations that I think almost felt like a break-up: where the guy would give your gift to the girl he likes; where the guy who you thought felt the same way for you ended up to like your friend or when you think something special is happening between the two of you, it turns out there was nothing all along. They may not hurt as much as a break-up would, but they do suck just the same.

I’ve been in a rollercoaster of events for the past years, and it’s always the same. The situation is not the same, but the entire feel of it is: I’m always left emotional, dramatic and very sentimental, which I’ve grown to dislike for the past years. After the last guy, however, I find myself waking up to the truth that God has been trying to make me notice the past years. You see, the last serious “like” I had was something that I wanted to make right. That goes both ways: if we don’t end up together, I don’t want to have a trampled heart; if we do end up together, then I want the story to be as romantic as it can be. And so I prayed, because it was what I learned from all the “True Love Waits” books that I’ve read. I prayed and prayed, and asked God to let His will be done for the both of us, that He take care of our friendship and if there was some chance in the future that we’d be together, then He let that happen too. It was a struggle that I was really conscious of, something that I seriously prayed for and asked my friends to do the same. At this particular period of my life, I learned the phrase God is Enough, and the word Surrender. It wasn’t easy, because God’s will is far from what my heart wanted. There were times when I thought I got it, but then it turns out that I really didn’t have the faintest idea at all.

Like I said, it was a rollercoaster ride. There were times when “just a smile” was enough to bring me to some sort of utopia, as well as times when I’d cry at night because I know that I need to let him go but my heart refuses to do so. Until finally, after lots of prayers and persuasion, after breaking some parts of my heart so that the stronger parts would show, I finally gave it all up to God.

By giving up, I meant surrendering. And by surrendering, I mean really giving it up. As in giving it up. I had to throw away some things that reminded me of him, as well as stopping myself from listening to some songs and reading some things that reminded me of him. It even went as far as not texting him, avoiding places that I’d see him and most of all, stopping myself from talking about him (I’m a really talkative person, and I love venting out through speech as well as writing, so this is a major sacrifice for me). I hung on to God as tight as I can — praying as much as I can (and most of those prayer times, I had to shut myself up so I can listen to Him clearly), hearing mass and just focusing on God. Sometimes it felt like it was just easier to let myself fall and take the risk — who knows, maybe it would work out. But God was clearly telling me otherwise. And He wanted to save me from the potential heartbreak I would feel if I just let myself fall.

The moment I let it go, God opened up my world in a way that I could never imagine. I started to enjoy things in another way, in a no-love-life-attached way which just made things brighter. I started knowing God better, knowing my friends better and in turn, knowning myself better. I started to plan for myself without anyone else influencing it, and I actually felt happy even if there’s no one making me feel all tingly and all that. I knew it was possible, but I never knew it really felt this good! Contrary to popular belief, surrendering to God actually meant freedom, and it was something that I’ve been searching for all these years.

Like I’ve mentioned to other people, I’m in no hurry right now. I now know that I don’t need a love life or a special someone to be happy because there’s so much more that God wants me to discover with Him before He finally introduces me to The One He Created Just For Me. I’m pretty sure He’s doing the same thing with him too, and I’m excited to hear about that when we finally meet. And I know that God is a way better writer than I am, and I know He can write the best romance that would fit me and The One perfectly. :)

I believe that God has a plan for the both of us, and our love story will be a proof of God’s love and goodness. I trust God that He’ll bring us to each other in the most perfect moment, and that fateful day will really take our breaths away.
– September 27, 2005

Everyone has a different story when it comes to this, but I firmly believe that God can fill whatever need you have inside your heart. It doesn’t matter if you’re a guy or a girl; only God can fill that void that you’ve been trying to fill with other people. If you feel in your heart that you need to give up something to Him (especially that place in your heart that I’ve just blabbed about here), then do so. You’ve got nothing to lose, really. God loves you too much to let you settle for anything less. :)

I’ll end this entry with a phrase that has stuck to me ever since I read it from an article (which, surprisingly, is also about love life): Believe it and be satisfied.

God’s night everyone. :)