Learning to Breathe

Hello good morning, how you do?
What makes your rising sun so new?
I could use a fresh beginning too
All of my regrets are nothing new…
Learning to Breathe, Switchfoot

Ah yes, another Switchfoot reference. But don’t blame me for it, I really love this song even before I got to meet them in person, and besides that isn’t the point of this entry.

A couple of months ago, I posted something about me struggling with my prayer time. It’s been almost two months since I posted that, and I feel like a “status report” is just right this time…right? I know none of you are asking, but let me write about it for a while. :)

To be really honest, I thought after writing that entry, I would be on my way to perfect prayer-dom, as in back to how I used to pray in college and before I got my new job. Of course it wasn’t like that, at all. I continued to struggle, and I continued to miss my prayertime. Sometimes I didn’t even get to pray at all. Sometimes because I was busy, sometimes because I chose to be busy instead of setting aside time. I’m not proud of it, but that’s what’s happening. And sometimes I feel like I could never go back to where I was.

I figured that one reason why I don’t pray as much was because I didn’t wake up early…but waking up early is such a chore for me now because I am not really pressured to go to work early. I only go to work early because of my brother, and when I get there, I get occupied by work that I don’t have time to pray anymore. Then I figured, maybe I need a Bible at work. I’ve been meaning to get one and that should really motivate me to pray, right? So I got one. And I admit, this new Bible improved my dismal prayertime, and I actually found time to pray when I got to work. That’s good, right?

Just last weekend, I finally forced myself (yes I admit that) to go away from my computer, open my Bible and pray. And while I was reflecting, I realized something. I don’t know what to say to God when I pray anymore. Well, there’s the usual thank you, the usual, please bless…but I realized that there were so many people who were asking me to pray for them, so many people I promised to pray for that I really…well, don’t. Well, I do think of them and pray a bit for them, but it’s not the same intercessory thing that I think I’m supposed to be doing.

I have to admit that intercession is not my strongest suit. I’m easily distracted in prayers, really, and I know I pray “better” when I’m writing it down…but sometimes writing it down can get so tiresome. Plus I tend to be distracted by lots of thoughts of other things when I get to my intercessory prayers that I end up forgetting what it is I’m praying for other people. Or sometimes…I just don’t know what to pray for at all.

For example. I made a list of things/people I should be praying for, like my family, my health, the Sydney trip for next year, the Godchicks, my clearance for my previous work, my friends, work stuff, the new laptop I’m planning to get, my old household in YFC DLSU and my SFC household, my other projects and even these guys, as in individually. And after a few days of writing them, I opened it up again today to pray…and I was speechless. Not in the good way speechless, but speechless as in I don’t know what to say. I know it’s all written in front of me, but how do I pray for these? Do I just read them out loud, or should I explain? How do I explain? What do I say? Should I even say anything even if I know God knows about this list?

Back in college, I was reading this book by Oswald Chambers, Prayer: A Holy Occupation, which says that the one thing Christians must always do is prayer, and intercessory prayer is one of the highest prayers we could do, since it’s what we are supposed to do. This book has hit my a couple of times (and maybe that’s why I stopped reading it …ergh), and I know that my heart knows what I should do…but why must it be so hard, Lord? Why must I be so distracted, so questioning, so stubborn?

So this is the way that I say I need You,
This is the way that I say I love You,
This is the way that I say I’m Yours.

Earlier before that realization, I was listening to Hillsong United’s Always, the first time I’ve listened to it again in months. It reminded me of the years in college where I did everything I can to surrender, to give this one part of my heart that I couldn’t give Him because I wanted so much to cling to it and have my way with it. Obviously, He won. Listening to that song again, made me wonder if I was actually doing what the song says, “All You are is all I want always.” Do I really want Him as much as I think I want Him? Or am I just saying that because I’m supposed to say it, because that’s how I was raised?

Hello good morning, how you’ve been?
Yesterday left my head kicked in.
I never ever thought that I would fall like that,
Never thought that I could hurt this bad.
I’m learning to breathe, I’m learning to crawl,
I’m finding that You and You alone could break my fall
I’m living again, awake and alive
I’m dying to breathe in these abundant skies.