Category Archives: Dear Diary

Dear Diary

From 5k to 10k

I must be crazy.

So I’ve started running, right? I’ve been planning to join another race since I joined the first one, but all other races that came and went and I haven’t joined any of them. Unilab Wellness? I wanted to, but it was too soon after Century Tuna. Globe Run For Home? Oh I wanted that, too, but March was a busy month. I had finally resigned to the fact that my next race would be on the second leg of the RunRio Trilogy, and that’s at May.

But then a friend invited us to join the Earth Run on April, and since I just wanted to run again, I said yes. Then we decided to join the National Geographic Earth Day Run instead, and so yeah, whichever, let’s join.

Plans were put on hold, because everyone was busy. One day while I was at the gym, I saw a curious black and yellow shirt and realized that it was actually the official shirt for the NatGeo Run on April 18th. Pretty.

Official Technical Shirt
Image from Pinayads.com

My brother and I decided to sign up, me for 5k and him for 10k. We went to the Nike store in Bonifacio High Street to register, but alas, no 5k shirts. Turns out the black shirt is for the 10k and 3k and 5k has the gray shirt. Black is prettier, don’t you think? But even if I wanted black, I can’t possibly run 10k. Not after just running one 5k race, right?

So anyway, my brother and I didn’t get to register that Sunday, so he trekked to Timex is in SM North on Monday to get us registered since they said that shirt sizes will be shipped by then. However, when he got there, there were still no 5k shirts! :(

That posed a dilemma. Either we register then, or not. Or just get a large shirt. But then again, one of the perks of paying the race fee is to get the shirt, which has pretty nice material — perfect to use for work outs. I had to decide fast, because my brother was waiting for my decision if I would find someone to register for me, or join him in 10k, so I could get registered and get a shirt.

Can you guess what I did?

But wait, before you guess, I guess I have to mention that there’s no timing chip for this race. The focus of the race is not the running, but the cause, which is for the Earth, since it’s an Earth Day Run. The proceeds of the race will go to Design Against the Elements (DAtE) which aims to help fight climate change, especially after the devastating effects of Typhoon Ondoy last year. We all know how this is close to my heart, right? Even if I do wish to run and beat my first record, I think it would be better to run and think of the cause this time around because it’s really something important. So my registration fee isn’t really going to a number of organizations that I don’t even know about — it’s going to be something that would help save us from the effects of climate change. I can’t be like Richard Willich, but I can still do something to help the environment.

So can you guess what I did now?

Continue reading From 5k to 10k →

Dear Diary, In His Steps

The A-Word

ALLELUIA!

Okay, I’ve been silent for three days, and I never thought it would be this hard. I mean, lat year was definitely harder, but this year there were so many things that I wanted to write, so many things I wanted to say via Facebook and Twitter and Tumblr, but because of my fast from the Internet, I couldn’t.

But let me just say it again, because Easter is such a joyful occasion:

ALLELUIA!

I’ll post a longer post tomorrow because I should go to bed because I’m on day shift tomorrow. But let me just say: I think this has been one of the most meaningful Holy Weeks I’ve ever had. :) And I’m glad.

Thank You, Jesus. :)

Dear Diary

What if all we ever needed to know is we are not alone?

day thirty.

A few hours ago, I went down after spending five straight hours working to get myself some snacks. Sometimes when I’m in the zone, I tend to forget that I have to eat a snack to keep my metabolism up. Diet, yo.

Anyway, as I walked from 7-11 back to the office, I marveled at the how beautiful the weather was (and felt slightly regretful that I didn’t bring my camera when I went out), despite it being summer already. I don’t know why we often complain of the heat (except during the noon, of course), but afternoons are beautiful. :)

There’s this little part of Eastwood Mall that I love walking through. I think they call it Open Park or something — it’s one of the things that make the mall a place to visit. They were cleaning the fountain there earlier, so it smelled kind of fishy because of the old water, but there were a lot of people still hanging out at the park, and there was this man sitting comfortably on one of the benches with his MacBook on his lap, calmly doing work or checking his email, researching about Symbol LS2208 or maybe even writing a story. He looked so peaceful and calm that I envied him almost instantly — I want to be able to experience that, too. Someday, maybe.

Today is the last day of March, the last working day of the week, the last “normal” day, at least as far as Holy Week is concerned. Tomorrow we enter into April, and we enter the Easter Triduum. I have this weird feeling on the upcoming days, almost like a nervousness that I can’t seem to shake. I’m not so sure why, but maybe it’s because my heart knows that there are great things coming in the next few days. What great things, I’m not sure. It may be something for my heart and my spirit, something that I think I kind of lacked from last year. I’m keeping my heart and mind open, because I want to see Him this weekend.

I know it seems like this post doesn’t have a point, but hear me out a bit. Today also marks the end of my 30 Days of Celebration blog challenge. I honestly didn’t know if I’d get here — I half expected something big to happen in the middle of the month that would stop me from reaching this point, but there wasn’t. Oh, there were big things that happened, but they weren’t enough to stop me. For that, I am thankful.

March proved to be a great month, with concerts and birthdays and forgiveness and earthquakes and realizations about life and love and letting go. There were a lot of times when I didn’t have anything to say but still found myself writing things, and there were times when I had so much to say that I didn’t know when to stop. I’m not sure if this challenge brought in new readers to the blog, but I did feel the presence of some lurkers, which is good, I guess.

But yeah, March has been good, and I am thankful. In the course of thirty days I found myself more on the lookout for things to write about within my day, and if I don’t find anything…well, that’s why I was born talkative, you know? ;) I realize yet again that the first step to writing is to just write. It’s just like what I tell my fellow writers during NaNoWriMo — just keep on writing. You never know where your pen (or your keyboard or your chosen writing instrument) will take you. I think I managed to surprise myself a couple of times this month. :)

Oh, and did you notice? I posted pictures everyday for this month, too — including the challenge intro post. :) That’s another feat that I have tried on myself, and it was actually quite fun trying to make photos to match the entry. Sometimes they didn’t, but I noticed how it looks better when there’s an image to visualize the post. It’s nice to bring out my camera again, even if my shots were lousy and my camera is starting to get old. It’s nice to try new things every now and then. :)

And I think, most importantly, this challenge taught me that everyday really is a celebration. There may be sad times, there may be boring times, and there are definitely happy times, but every single thing is worth celebrating. Life’s beautiful, after all, despite the uncertainties and tragedies and sadness. It’s all about perspective, right?

Before I end this post and end my work day as well, let me share one more anecdote for the day. My iPod was kind of acting up earlier and I almost lost all my songs. It went back when I plugged it in my computer, and so I decided to let it charge there first while I listened. After the first song, my iPod played an old song that I used to listen to a lot back in college: God’s Here by Aaron Benward. Normally, I’d go skip the song since I wasn’t really feeling it anymore, but today I just let it play and listened…and realized that he’s right: God is here. He is everywhere and at one place at the same time. He is with me — with you, with us — every step of the way. We worry about life and all other things and wonder how we’d get through it all…but yeah, what if all we need to know is that we’re not alone? What if all we need to believe is that God is here, period?

It’s something to think about. :)

So now I end this journey of 30 days. I don’t know when I’ll pull another stunt like this, but I know I do have to go and write other things (namely my novel!) now. But I will still continue to post here, and it will probably be random, nonsense things again, unless I can help it. :P I’m still used to not seeing comments on most of my entries, but I do hope that somehow, all the randomness that I spew out here reaches you and somehow makes you feel better and believe, even. If not, it’s okay. I’ll still keep on writing. :)

Anyway, I better go, because I’m off to watch The Book of Eli with the family today. I won’t be online until Easter Sunday, except maybe to download some podcasts for reflection, so expect silence here and in other forms of social networking. This should be fun. :)

Everyday is worth celebrating, friendships. ♥ Be happy. :)

No, I don’t think
All of this just happens by chance
Wake up, look at the sky, the earth
Go watch the sunrise in the morning
Take a breath
And feel the moment
So good to be alive
Hello, it’s no surprise God’s here
He’s watching us all
He’s near
Oh, right where we are
And all our lives we’ve been runnin’ ’round and searchin’
When all this time He’s been standing right beside us
If we just close our eyes
And let all our doubts disappear
Listen, Oh, God’s here

Dear Diary

I Am…

day twenty-nine.

It’s just ironic that on the second to last day of this challenge, I run out of things to write about…again.

Sigh.

So I guess I’ll just ramble on today and hope I somehow make sense. I would have answered some questions…but there were no new questions. :( Sadness.

Ever since I got hooked on The Doctors (Travis Stork! ♥), I started watching more and more Lifestyle Channel. I don’t know why, but I’m suddenly interested in watching cooking shows and makeovers and health shows and redesign shows (with plans done in color printing), and these are the things my mom used to watch a lot. Funny, I used to spend so much time watching Nickelodeon, then Disney Channel, now I’m more of Lifestyle Channel (and AXN) — does this mean I’m getting older?

Anyway, one of the shows I like watching there whenever I get the chance to watch it, is Style by Jury. This is another one of those makeover shows where they pick someone to give a whole new image to. The subject is exposed to a jury, who gives their first impressions. Then the subject is made to go through a series of makeovers and then a week later, they are exposed to another jury who gives their first impressions on the newly made up subject.

The thing I like so much about this show is that it doesn’t focus only on the outside, but also on the inside. They bring the subjects to a counselor, to work on their issues and insecurities and to help them deal with all their baggage. It feels kind of far-fetched that they’d feel okay about themselves within a week…then again if you have to go through a full makeover in a week, it’s got to be so overwhelming that you’d be forced to deal with things.

Anyway. In one episode, the counselor made the subject do an exercise where she would write down her good qualities and then screaming them out to the world as she climbed this hill. In a way, speaking it out affirms her of her good qualities and it made her feel good about herself. I guess saying it out for the whole world to hear is therapeutic…just like how writing it out or declaring something out loud for the whole world to read/hear makes you believe it’s true.

So…let’s try that exercise. If I were that girl, what would be the things I would write on my boards  and shout for the whole world to hear?

  • I am a good writer. Contrary to all my blogging and my declarations for my love of writing, I am actually quite insecure about my writing. I always feel that I can’t write as good as other people do — I’m no grammar guru, I don’t have a vocabulary as extensive as other people and I feel like all my ideas are rehash of other people’s. But other people I know tell me I am…so I guess that counts for something. Wait, let me correct that — it must count for something. And no one’s perfect anyway. :P So yeah…I am a good writer!
  • I am creative. I always use this adjective as a part of my resume (well, since the last time I used it…a year ago), and sometimes I feel like I lack the creative juices that everyone else around me seems to be overflowing with. But I did manage to come up with all these announcements…plus I do have a lot of good ideas every now and then. I’m sure I just have a different kind of creativity.  But I am creative!
  • I am a good friend. I’ve talked a lot — sometimes too much — on how sometimes I can be such a lousy friend because I fail to keep in touch and all. I feel like such a lousy friend too when I feel like going MIA. But I’d like to believe that I can be a good friend, that even if I am not always, always present physically, I do think of my friends and they are important to me and they matter to me. I try my best, really, I do. I am a good friend!
  • I am a good sister. I am my brother’s only sister, and even if we have had a lot of fights and stuff when we were younger, we’re a lot closer now, and I couldn’t have wished for a better brother. I may not be the perfect sister, but I try to be a good one. I am a good sister. :)
  • I am a good daughter. I know I’m not the perfect daughter, and I’ve lost my patience one too many with my family, especially with my mom. I try to be good, though, one who deserves the kind of parents I have. I may, act like a brat a lot of times and I don’t do the right thing at home most of the time, but I’d like to believe that I still bring joy to my parents as their daughter. I am a good daughter. :)
  • I am worth waiting for. Yeah, yeah, this is a bit too abstract and yes it points to the same aspect of my life that I have not reached until now. But I’d like to believe that even if I haven’t really fallen in love or been in love or anything, it’s because it’s worth waiting for. Ergo, I am worth waiting for. I’ve waited this long, and as cheesy as this may sound…true love waits. ;) I am worth waiting (and let me just add — fighting) for.
  • I am beautiful. I never put much emphasis on physical appearance, except maybe for health issues (which is why losing weight is important for me). I never thought of myself as pretty, really. Maybe cute, but never the head-turner type. I’ve always stayed in the background and I never really thought myself as someone who is beautiful because I was never one who’d attract people in a snap of a finger. But that’s superficial beauty. In the past years, I’ve been learning a different kind of beauty, one that encompasses more than just skin and hair and figure, and it’s very, very liberating. :) For that, I say it out loud: I am beautiful.

Now that felt good. I want to do the exact same thing again, only, I want to scream all this out loud. Preferably on the beach or something. Soon?

One last thing! A little while ago, I was watching The Mentalist, after a case has been solved, Patrick Jane, said something to the daughter of the victim: Be good to yourself. That’s a good advice, don’t you think? Sometimes I think we focus too much on doing and being good to other people that we forget to do and be good to ourselves.

So as I end this post and be one post closer to the end of this challenge, I leave you with the same words of wisdom: be good to yourself. :) Have a great Tuesday everyone. :)

Dear Diary, In His Steps

No More What-If's

day twenty-eight.

You know what’s one of the worst questions to ask right after you made a decision that you can’t back out of?

What if.

There is nothing more annoying/saddening than wondering what things could have been if you had chosen another path, or made another decision, or didn’t make a choice at all. What if I didn’t accept this job and look for another, would I be happier? What if I didn’t say this thing, would we have avoided the fight? What if I didn’t take this appetite suppressant, would I have been less sick now? What if there was really something that could have happened between us…maybe I shouldn’t let go?

Ah life, with all it’s uncertainties. It’s really enough to drive a person insane.

Why did I bring this up? Let’s just say…I have some questions. Or had them. They weren’t very big, those questions, but they’re enough to disrupt the peace that I long to keep in that particular aspect of my life. Sorry, I mean to elaborate, but I don’t want to divulge everything because it’s not really something to be blogged about for the entire world to read. Let’s just say they were questions that I didn’t mean to ask, but ended up asking because of what was happening, but now it feels like I’ll never find the answer. Or I won’t know the answer just yet, and I’m made to wait again.

It’s okay, really. I’m okay. Strangely, the same thing happened to me before and I was more devastated then. I wasn’t a wreck, but it definitely saddened me, and it took me a while before I could recover. This time…I guess being wary about things helped, and of course, I have a very great group of friends who listened to me…and now, I think I bounced back faster.

But you know something else?

I’d like to believe that God is bigger than any of my questions. There’s something humbling about choosing to stop asking “what if?” and just moving on. I’d like to believe that when I choose to stop questioning this step I took, it’s also a way for me to let go of the situation, hand it to God and let Him do the work instead of me. After all, He is infinitely wiser than I am. :)

So…yup, no more what’ ifs. :) Starting today, I’m going to stop asking. I’ll just trust that this is a part of His will. :)

Dear Diary, Randomnities

ADD Moments

day twenty-seven.

You know one thing that’s been catching me off guard with this challenge? It’s that every time I think I had something to write…it turns out I don’t. Or, I suddenly lose whatever idea I had for an entry. Maybe I’m just ADD.

So Sunday. If last Sunday was some kind of lazy, this week was far from it. I got home yesterday from my long day at around 1 in the morning. After posting my entry yesterday, I left Starbucks and headed to our condo, where my mom and brother were waiting. I ended up playing Cooking Dash until we had to go home, and then we agreed to get up early to hear Palm Sunday mass at Christ the King, then head to the Eloquente food tasting for my brother’s wedding at lunch, then at Trinoma, where my brother would be meeting a client and my mom and I would be shopping. Again.

And that’s just what we did. Lots of good food during lunch, and lots of clothes shopping in the afternoon. Mind you, I’ve been shopping since yesterday. I’m happy, my credit card was happy, but my bank account isn’t. At least, not now. ;) I’m still reeling with my expenses as I computed them earlier, and I’m pretty sure my credit report is going to be outrageous again this month…but then again, it’s not like I’m buying them out of plain want. I’m buying them out of need, because I need clothes that fit me better, like what I mentioned before. I’m almost sort of done, except that I still need more tops to mix and match and stuff. Sometimes I think I just have to accept that I really have to spend a bit on some pieces. Or be patient enough to try more clothes.

Or maybe I should just eat before shopping so I won’t get hungry and tired too fast.

Anyway. Enough about shopping. I’ve been thinking of what will happen after my 30 days of celebration is over. I’ll be ending this by March 31, and I won’t be online from Maundy Thursday to Black Saturday…then what? What happens to this blog, next? I don’t know, honestly, except that I’m probably going to keep blogging the way I blog. This is a personal blog, after all. Lately, though, I’ve been getting comments from people I don’t know, and I’ve been hearing from some “lurkers” of the blog. I even saw someone on Twitter mention that they linked my blog. So I guess some people do read the stuff I write here, even if most of them are ramblings and personal things! Wow. My blog isn’t as popular as the other people I know but it’s nice to know that people who I don’t know in real life actually read this. :) So if you’re a lurker: hello there. :)

You know what I just realized now? I haven’t eaten dinner. And that’s bad for my diet, really. Oops. That is probably the reason why I forgot what I was supposed to blog about today. :P

Oh, but before I go! I want to do this before the end of this challenge. I signed up for Formspring on my birthday, and I’ve gotten a few questions in, but I sort of kind of want to answer more. I know, how vain of me. But this is my blog anyway. :P Anyway (again, for the third time in this entry), I’m going to post a bunch of the questions and answers here before the challenge ends, and I’d like it very much if you’d give me something to answer. :P So…come one, come all: ask me a question! :)

Of course, I reserve the right to ignore questions that are not appropriate. All for fun people, be nice. :)

Dear Diary, In His Steps

Letting Go

day twenty-five.

Today, I was browsing through my Multiply and saw this poem that I posted, from my friend Sam’s LJ:

You Must Accept
by Kate Light

You must accept that’s who he really is.
You must accept that you cannot be his
unless he can be yours. No compromise.
He is a canvas on which paint never dries;
a clay that never sets; he’s steel that bends
in a breeze; he’s a melody that when it ends
no one can whistle; he is not who
you thought. He’s not. He is a shoe
that walks away: “I will not go where you
want to go.” “Why, then, are you a shoe?”
“I’m not. I have the sole of a lover
but don’t know what love is.” “Discover
it, then.” “Will I have to go where you go?”
“Sometimes.” “Be patient with you?” “Yes.” “Then, no.”
You have to hear what he is telling you
and see what he is; how it is killing you.

I remember the first time I read this, it struck me straight to the heart, like this was especially written for me. I’m exaggerating, maybe, a bit. But you know, when you’re at the height of an emotion, everything hits you, hard. Every song, every letter, every movie, every story, every poem. It just speaks to you.

That happened to me a year ago. Or something like that. But when I read this poem now, I still feel the sadness that it’s meant to convey…but it doesn’t hit me as hard anymore. It’s nice to know that you’ve moved on from something, that you’re okay, that you don’t dwell on whatever it is that happened anymore. It’s so liberating to finally let things go.

I remember a question I used to ask back in college: how do you really let go? Is there a process, like in making birth announcements? What steps do I take? What to do, who to talk to, can I cry? What if I don’t want to let it go? What if I can’t let it go? Is this God’s will? Why is God making me do this? Doesn’t He know this is hurting?

I once compared letting something go to a garden. There are flowers and there are weeds. God wants me to pull out the weeds, but I don’t because I think it’s already pretty enough. But God wants something better for me, so He urges me to pull out the weeds even if I don’t want to. If I don’t pull out the weeds, the real flowers choke, and die, and I’d be left with weeds. They may be pretty, but in the end, they really don’t do anything.

It’s never easy. Believe me, I know. It’s never easy when the thing you’re being asked to let go of is something (or someone) you really like (or love). It’s also silly to know that sometimes there are things that you find hard to let go of is something that you don’t really like or love as much as you thought — it’s just something or someone you’ve gotten used to. Or it’s something or someone that you think there might be something, but not sure just yet.

Did that make sense?

Letting go is hard. Don’t believe it when other people tell you it’s not. It requires an everyday effort. It doesn’t happen overnight.

But if it’s any comfort, God never asks us to let go of something if it wasn’t in our best interest. He never asks us to let go of something if He doesn’t have something better for us. He is a loving Father, and He wouldn’t ask us to say goodbye to something just out of spite. And if your heart breaks in the process…well, sometimes God has to break our hearts little by little so when He heals it, it’s big enough to handle what He wants to give us. :)

Have a great weekend, everyone. Holy Week is just around the corner — it’s time to reflect on His love once again. :)

Dear Diary, In His Steps

Aftershocks

day twenty-four.

Today was sort of kind of freaky in different levels, almost like 2012 movie like freaky. That, and bad memories of the flood — yeah, I’m pretty shaken right now.

I got to work this afternoon a bit earlier than the usual, because of the scheduled fire drill for today. I was glad to have arrived before the said time of the fire drill, and I was planning to buy food as soon as we go down for the drill, just so I won’t run into any hassles. Then, my teammate asks, “Nararamdaman niyo yun?” (Can you feel it?)

Apparently, there was an earthquake.

And the building was swaying. For a long time.

With all the earthquakes that happened in the past months (Haiti, Chile), it’s very scary to be suddenly feeling an actual earthquake. Honestly, it doesn’t faze me as much, even before, because I know that the buildings here are kind of safe. But that earthquake was long…and well, just plain scary.

A few hours later, I had to attend a meeting for my boss, and it was about our account’s business continuity planning. The fancy term just means the plan in case something big – ex. a calamity – happens that prevents us from going to work, or doing work. Anyway, there was a simulation in the meeting where we simulate an event where the plan was activated…and guess what the situation was? A typhoon, with a flood.

Hello, hurricane.

Needless to say, I was creeped out. Sometimes I think I’m already over the entire flooding event, but whenever I’m reminded that there is a big possibility that it could happen again…it just scares me. I know it’s selfish of me to not wish for rain…but I can’t help it. I’m scared of it, at least, any type of typhoon, now. I’m terrified of the thought that it may happen again, that we might see our house submerged in flood all over again. They say it’s a hundred-year flood, meaning it won’t happen in another hundred years…but how sure are they about that? What if another typhoon comes and drops huge amounts of rain on us…what if?

I don’t think I blogged about it, but a couple of weeks ago, we had a fire scare at home, so we had to turn off the electricity at home to have it checked. As I was going around the house in darkness with my iPod flashlight, packing my stuff, I was reminded of that day a few months ago, when I went around the house in darkness with my iPod flashlight, and rain was pouring outside, and my feet were underwater. It was scary.

I have to trust God that He would protect us again…but in a way, I can’t help but wish for something concrete, something that I can actually hold on to that would tell me that we wouldn’t have to go through what happened that September day.

I’m still shaken at the thought of experiencing the flood again and yes, even the earthquake…but worrying about things like this is a waste of time. I need to stop doing that, and I need to turn my eyes to the One who holds today and tomorrow and eternity. I need to turn my eyes to Him and give all my fears to Him and trust that He will take care of us. He will protect us. Trust and believe that He is bigger than anything in this world.

I guess that’s faith, you know. That’s what it is about having faith and trusting God and all that — trusting that He will protect you even in the midst of all uncertainties. In calamities like these, I can only do so much, and in the end God still has the final say (Come to think of it, He always has the final say). Having faith means believing that He will carry you through even if you don’t know what will happen. It means trusting Him in the darkness — figuratively and literally. It means believing that God will be enough, and He will enable me to make it through.

*breathes deeply*

It’s been a while since I last posted this on a blog entry, but if you can spare a prayer for me, please do. Help me pray for peace, because I think that’s one thing I really, really need right now.

Dear Diary, In His Steps

Thousands For My Love

day twenty-one.

So, how do I go about today’s entry?

There’s a weird trend that’s going on lately, and it seems different for some people. Someone I know told me that it seems like everyone he knows seems to be having their hair cut, someone else said that he seems to be hearing a lot of people resigning. Another friend told me that everyone around her seems to be pairing up and getting into relationships. Me? Just the opposite: it seems like a lot of my friends seem to be ending their relationships instead. :(

I wish I could say I could empathize, but sadly, I can’t. That’s because I’ve never been in a relationship, so duh, I’ve never been in a break-up. There may be near-break-up experiences…but I can’t really say because like I said, I’ve never been there.

In the past days, I’ve been “counseling” some of these friends, and although I can say that I offer some good advice (Dr. Love, is that you?), I always put the disclaimer after: “This is coming from someone who has limited experience in that area.” Because it’s true.

Don’t get me wrong — I’m not getting impatient. At least, I think I’m not. I still don’t think I’ll be able to settle down anytime soon, and I am still okay with being by myself. I’m in no hurry, really, and there’s no one in the horizon, anyway…but I guess this is one of those times when I admit that I wish there’s someone.

It’s strange how I suddenly got to that feeling. I guess I could blame it on the hormones, or maybe blame it on the sadness of other people that could be contagious. Or I can blame it on myself for thinking too much again when I can be doing other more productive things. Or maybe I could just admit that today, I got hit by a kind of loneliness that only people like me feel — those who have never been in a relationship since birth and constantly wonder how it feels to be loved by someone romantically.

Sigh.

But you know what’s really funny? Whenever I think of it, really think of it,the idea of being in a relationship kind of freaks me out. Maybe because it feels like such a huge thing, because it feels like…I don’t know, a lot of things will change. Other people make it seem so easy, getting into and out of relationships one after the other, with another person suddenly just replacing the last one. Of course, I just glossed over the harder parts of the relationship…but why does the idea of it freak me out? Of course I want to be loved. Of course I want to share my life with someone. But why does it feel so scary, too?

Maybe I’m scared giving my heart to someone who won’t take care of it in the way I expected it. Maybe I’m scared that I won’t be good enough or pretty enough for the other person. Maybe it’s because I’m afraid of giving my time and love to someone who won’t give the same effort back, you know? Maybe that’s why I’d rather keep to myself, why I’d rather laugh about this stuff and gloss over it all and say that I’m happy, I’m okay, that single life rocks.

Maybe it’s because I’m just afraid of getting hurt. With all the sad love stories and broken hearts out there, who wouldn’t be scared?

And friends, I think I just started thinking too much over there.

I remember saying a prayer a few years back, after I got over one serious crush in college: “Lord, please let the next guy that I fall for be The One.” Well, I’ve liked a number of guys after that one and The One is still nowhere in sight. Nothing ever happens. I was always just a friend. Or, there’s always someone else. Most of the time, I just screw things up, and I end up hurt, lonely and bitter. It gets tiring, you know, and I don’t want all those drama. I want the real thing.

I was in a cab on the way home when I got hit by an epiphany (I get them in the weirdest places, I swear). I think it was the time when I was trying to answer a question I posted to myself when something dawned onto me. It was almost like God was talking to me then — and maybe He was, because it seemed like it was an answer to the prayer I said the last time. Maybe the reason why nothing ever happens to the next guys I liked after I said the prayer was because they’re not The One. I know believing in the concept of The One is kind of cliche and maybe even taboo to some, but spare me my idealism here. Maybe that’s why nothing ever happens with them — because he’s not who God is preparing. Maybe because I’m not ready to meet him, maybe it’s because he’s not ready. I don’t know. But I knew then, for sure, that God is answering my prayer, even if He is making me wait a bit longer.

I’m not sure if I made sense there, but it feels nice to let these things out, especially tonight when I felt the need to be emo for a while. I’m okay, I’m okay. Just emotional, but I’m okay. I’m okay, I’m waiting. I can still wait. One day, it will be my turn, and I believe that there’s no need for me to use the term ex when referring to someone. That would be nice, don’t you think?

One day, someday, someone will fight thousands for my love. But for now, I’ll find peace in the fact that if ever that God has willed it for me to head for single blessedness, I know that I’ve got Jesus who will never tire of fighting thousands, even millions, for my love. :)

“Now listen, daughter, don’t miss a word: forget your country, put your home behind you.  Be here—the king is wild for you.”
(Psalm 45:10-11)

Dear Diary

Wallowing

day nineteen.

I was never the one who goes out on gimmicks during Friday nights or weekends. I’d prefer to watch a movie, stay home and read, work or hang out with good friends over dinner and coffee.

So last Thursday, I sent an impromptu invitation to my friends, and out of all of them, only Pauleen made it to Eastwood. Makes sense, since she’s the only one among us who has a car. Anyway, the night turned out to be girl bonding night, at least until Chris arrived at Eastwood and then we had to go home. And it was a good thing, too, because Pauleen needed to talk, and I needed to talk, and we shed some tears, laughed, talked about life, girly things like acne cleansers,  love and losing love and marveled at God’s grace.

It was a perfect Friday night, in my opinion.

So one of our conversations last night involved…well, being sad. Last Saturday, we (together with other friends) were talking about letting go and moving on and all that, especially from failed relationships. I have no experience in that area, as I’ve never been in a relationship, but I’ve had my share of being in situations of having to let go of something…or someone, even. It’s always hard letting go of something or someone. There’s the what if’s, there’s the uncertainty of not knowing what will happen after. But letting go of things is always necessary, even if it’s hard or heartbreaking. If we never learned how to let go, we will never be able to grow.

In doing these things, it’s inevitable that we get sad or lonely. It’s hard, and it feels like an endless thing, and we don’t know when it will end. People say one day you’ll just wake up and you’ll realize you’re okay…but sometimes it feels like you will never be okay. Sometimes it feels like the only way for you to be happy is to hold on tightly…but what if that is no longer an option?

I’m sure it’s different for people, but one thing I learned last year that helped me a lot when I went through this bout of loneliness was to wallow. I used to hate wallowing because I thought it was pathetic. Plus, I thought I did not have the right to wallow because nothing happened anyway, I was just sad because of what I did, and what did not happen. It’s not like someone broke up with me — other people have more right to grieve and be sad.

I think I was reading Eat, Pray, Love then, and there was this part that hit me:

“When I get lonely these days, I think: So be lonely, Liz. Learn your way around loneliness. Make a map of it. Sit with it, for once in your life. Welcome to the human experience.

In short, wallowing. We need to wallow.

I don’t know if it applies to all people, but I knew that wallowing really helped me. It helped me get in touch with my emotions, which I realize is essential if you want to move on. I allowed myself all kinds of indulgences, all kinds of music, all kinds of food for that wallow period, and once I was done, I picked myself up and tried to move on. When something happens, I allow myself to wallow again and then move on. Before I knew it, my heart had healed, and I had moved on.

I know I make it sound easy, and I know it’s not. It’s hard, but it’s doable. So if you’re going through something difficult, if your heart is broken, allow yourself to wallow. Allow yourself to feel your sadness. Cry. Listen to sad songs, rant to friends, watch movies you can relate to, rant to friends…be sad. Feel it, because when you feel it, you eventually get tired of it. Seriously. I allowed myself a one week wallowing period, and by the third day, I was tired of wallowing.

After wallowing, pick yourself up and move on. If you fall, if something happens unexpectedly, allow yourself a short term wallowing, then pick yourself up and go on with life again. Along the way, forgive yourself, forgive the other person. Hang out with friends and family. Do other things. Pray. One day, you will just wake up, or you cross paths with the other person and you’ll realize…you’re really and truly okay. :)

It’s not easy, but in time, you’ll be okay. :)

If anyone needs a wallow partner, I just found out that I’m extremely good at it. :P