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Things I Forget

Sometime around last week, I started to feel this tiny little worry because my word for 2015 hasn’t found me yet.

Delight, my 2014 word found me perhaps a little around this time last year, but it felt a little obvious given everything that happened in 2013. Courage, my 2013 word found me sometime in December, I think, but I think I knew it before I finally acknowledged that word (because I was scared of it). And now, we’re about 5 weeks away from 2015, and I was coming up with nothing and I was worried.

But then there was no room for worry because the last few weeks at work were very tough ones – as in really tough – and a part of me wonders why these things had to happen on the year when I said I’d be joyful, and not on the year when I said I’d be courageous. I am supposed to be done with having to live courage all over again — it’s the year of joy, joy, joy. Why am I wrestling with fear again?

I know, I know – joy is a kind of courage, it’s not just happiness, and courage is a choice, blah, blah, blah. I know that. Except knowing and living it out are two different things and there was a huge part of me in the past few weeks that keep on resisting to what I was doing, and what I should do, and there’s this loud part of me that just wants to quit. Because it’s hard. Because it’s not fun. Because I don’t think I can do this. Because I don’t want this. Because I didn’t ask for this.

I’m trying to recall where all the guts I had from last year went. I called myself brave last year because I did things I never thought I could do. Did they disappear when I decided to take delight this year? I hope not. Or maybe I wasn’t really brave then, but you know, faking it the entire time? I hope not, too.

I remember something I learned when I started working for my current company, about how we get called to certain levels of faith. When we reach a certain point, we get to start from zero again not because we’re back to square one, but because we’re at a new level, and we need to level up with the faith points. Or joy points. Or courage points. Those kinds of things. While I was reflecting and listening to the community events I attended this weekend, I realized that maybe I am at a new level of courage, and that is why I am scared out of my wits.

Over the weekend, though, I learned that courage isn’t really what drives away fear. Which makes sense, because I always thought brave people are people full of fear who still decide to go for it, anyway. What I completely forgot – because I let my fears ruled me in the last two, three weeks – is this: love drives away fear.

How could I forget that? Perfect love. Okay, sure, my love isn’t perfect, but I am loved by a perfect God…so why am I so afraid? I know I am capable of love…so again, why am I so afraid?

It’s so simple, but I know it’s going to be hard, too, especially since I tend to fall away and worry and lately I seem to be so overwhelmed with so many things. I forget so easily, and I get distracted by so many things, and before we know it, I am back to the worrying and wanting to get out…and then today I was reminded of two things (among others):

Surrender control. Seek His will.

You see, it’s really not about what I want. It has never been that. It’s always been what God wants, what His will is. I know that I will find His will in my deepest desires, but I will only know what those deep desires if I seek His will. And part of seeking His will is surrendering all of my control. The more I try to control, the more frustrated I will get, and the more fearful I will become.

I forget so easily.

I’ve been restless in the past days because everything felt hard, so hard, and all I wanted to do was quit. But earlier today, as the people in the Catchfire 2014 conference sang Refiner’s Fire, and I leaned onto my dad, I started to cry because I realized what I forgot: my heart’s one desire is to be holy, set apart for you my Master, ready to do Your will.

I forget so easily.

It’s Monday again tomorrow, and I am already bracing myself for another tough week. God never promised that it will be easy, but He promised that He will never ever leave us. He will never ever leave me. Hasn’t He been faithful all my life – why would He be less faithful now?

Here’s to a victorious week ahead. :) Pray with me?

Oh my strength, I will sing Thy praises!
Thou o Lord are a shield to me!
Oh my King, though the battle rages,
I look with victory on my enemies.
Praise you Lord, mighty King of Zion! ♥

att3featured

All These Things (3): October Edition

Cliche, but let me say this: where did October go?

I realized today that the last time I blogged was when I released my book (ongoing blog tour this week, yay! Also, you can pre-order the print edition here if you’re not fond of ebooks :D), and a lot has happened from then until now that I should write about. I should, and I really want to, but work has been especially draining the past two weeks that I kinda just want to lie down and sleep when I get home.

That, and a lot of new things happened, like:

  • Last international trip for the year – Bangkok and Siem Reap! What a lovely, lovely vacation. I promise to blog about this one weekend this month. :)
  • My sister-in-law gave birth! I have a nephew! ♥ Most of my spare time goes to him (when he’s awake, anyway), so there. Isn’t he a cutie?
    apollorafael
  • Work. Oh wait, that’s not new.

October was a pretty fun month, though, and I’m not complaining. November, on the other hand, seems like it will be busy. Up until February. But…that’s not so new anyway. This kind of busy is good. :)

* * *

But look, it’s NOVEMBER. Last two months of the year! Last week, at our sisters’ household, the question was, What’s something you want to do (this year) that you haven’t done yet?

My short answer: cook a dish. I can bake fine, but I can’t cook. Or I just haven’t tried. Next goal: cook something for Christmas/New Year dinner.

Oh, but when I reviewed the goals I set for 2014, I realized that I have actually fulfilled most of them. Wow. And there’s still two months left! A lot can still happen. :)

My longer answer for that question, in one word: study. Let’s pray about this more.

* * *

To be perfectly honest, though, there’s a lot about the next two months that I feel a bit apprehensive about. Maybe it’s because I already saw a forecast of the first two months of 2015 for work, and the worrywart in me is glad there’s stuff to worry about again. Sigh, not good. But I don’t want to get lost in the busy-ness of the next two months. I don’t want to. I refuse to. Lord, give me the grace to take it slow and to breathe, and – in her words – count the thousand glittery things You’re giving me.

I felt God saying, “This is life, my girl. This is life. You don’t need to be somewhere. You don’t need to hustle. You don’t need to hurry. I just want you to suck this moment in good. You’ve come a long way. A long, long way. Be thankful and keep going. You’re so okay, my dear.”

That’s all God is asking of us at any given moment: To suck in what is what right before us– what He has placed there so intentionally– and then say thank you. Because it’s simple. And it’s true. And it’s a gift we forget to find the gratitude for. And it fills us so much more mightily than the fears and worries we stack inside ourselves when we think this day-to-day is about getting “stuff” done.

* * *

Yes, I’m also one of the many, many people caught up in the Taylor / 1989 mania. Couldn’t help it, really. Shake it Off helps in keeping me sane – shake off all the stress, I say!

Here, have an earworm. ;)

 

take delight

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