To get yourself a new life you’ve got to give the other one away

Change is happening at work right now, and it has been happening since a few months ago. I’m no stranger to it – I’ve witnessed change happen several times in the course of my career, especially in my previous company, but I guess I wasn’t totally affected by it until my last career shift. Now we’re in the thick of it, and I have a completely different set of responsibilities to handle it now. I’m not directly affected, but I have this responsibility to help in making the change easier for everyone else.

It’s sort of funny, how all these changes at work sort of paralleled the changes happening in my personal life. They weren’t exactly life-shattering changes, but still, they were pretty major, and it shook my otherwise comfortable world. And I didn’t like that.

And it’s also a little funny that sometime a year ago, I was experiencing the same thing – except it was entirely different than it is now.

Let me be a bit cliche here for a minute: change really happens everyday. Our new CEO said that during the first time we met him: who you are at this minute is different from who you were five minutes ago. Sometimes we choose to change, and that makes us (painfully) aware about things, but often times, change is thrust towards us, and we have the choice to be agile and jump in, or be in denial until we have no choice to but to move.

I remember sort of going a bit meta a few weeks back when I sat down to look at all of what’s happening in my life. I remember smiling at how things seem to be unfolding, because really, it’s not so bad. But I’m a creature of comfort – so when I went back down to focus on what’s in front of me, I resisted, again. 

I think what scares me – and everyone else, for sure – about changes happening is how it has the tendency to leave us uprooted. I felt like I was losing so many things that I have painstakingly built, everything and everyone that I had invested in because of these changes, and of course I didn’t want that. I deserve these things, I thought. These are mine. I felt – at least, as far as those personal changes were concerned – that I was floating up, up, and away, and I didn’t know where I will end up. I’ve got half the mind to just allow that to happen to me – to go with the flow, so to speak – and see where it will take me.

Except.

The last time I felt uprooted like this was almost two years ago, and it was terrifying in a lot of ways. Looking back at all that, I realized that while there was uprooting, I didn’t exactly float aimlessly. In fact, it was the opposite: I had simply changed direction and I was firmly in the middle of God’s plan.

I am not aimless. It felt like it was, because I didn’t know what was going to happen. But it was never aimless. It might not even be floating, actually. God has me firmly in His hands, and even in the midst of this changes, He has never let me out of His sight.

You know what? Maybe it’s not even really uprooting. I think that I am still rooted – deep in His love, as He had intended it to be. But I think that the changes that came in my life recently – both personal and professional – is some sort of pruning. It’s painful (because hello, you don’t prune without scissors and cutting something), but it’s necessary. Because if you don’t prune, then how will it grow?

I was never aimless.

True, sometimes things at work feel a bit shaky sometimes, and frankly sometimes I still don’t know what to do. But like what my manager tells me, I can take all these by the hands and make deliberate steps to push myself forward. And I believe God is telling me the same thing: after this moment of pruning, I have the ability to move forward and grow, trusting fully in Him who had stitched me together with His love. :)

 

All These Things (5): May Edition

(Image credit.)

I decided to check my Feedly earlier for a quick mental break and started going through the long Relevant Magazine feed backlog. I saw this article entitled, Anxiety is a Spiritual Issue, and found this:

Maybe, even though God made the night and knows there is nothing in it to fear, He gave us stars to light it because He knows we might be afraid anyway.

I had to stop and read it all over again. There’s something about this that’s really comforting. It could be the mention of stars (that I always, always love), or it could just be the plain truth that this line carries.

The rest of the article is very good, too. :)

* * *

A few weeks ago,  I I lost my train of thought there — that phrase has been here since this morning when I started this post, and now I can’t remember what I was supposed to write. I’ve been experiencing this lately, along with other things that I figure is a sign of aging: wanting to sleep early, choosing not to drink alcohol, going home before midnight. I haven’t quite mastered not eating all the good sinful sinfully stuff like bacon, chocolates, and extra amounts of cheese in everything, or actually getting my work-out time back, but I’m getting there. (I started taking my coffee black, with a single serving of stevia. Yay, me?)

Anyway, the “shock” of realizing that I’m not getting any younger since I turned 29 hasn’t worn off, so I’m trying to make wiser choices to prepare myself for the next decade. Because…well, it’s about time, right?

* * *

Green is Faith's favorite color. #amwriting #SparkNA #KTF

A photo posted by Tina Matanguihan 🌻 (@storiestotell) on

Speaking of time, I’m right smack in the middle of writing my next novel. I signed up for the Spark NA class just to get me writing. It’s worked so far, but like with the first writing workshop I joined at the start of the year, I am not doing so well with time management, because work and other things. I have made significantly more progress than I would outside of a class. Slow and steady progress, as always.

I’m gonna work really hard to get this out this year. Especially since I really, really like my new Lead Interest.. :”>

* * *

One more, before I go back to proofreading: It’s the first of June on Monday. Can you believe it?

Remain in My Love

I think it was late last year, during my most stressful days at work, when I thought of running away.

Not really run away from home, mind you, but run away somewhere just so I won’t have to deal with the things I had to deal with everyday. I was so, so tired, and I thought of all the options I have in front of me: to resign, to study, do something else – just be anywhere but there.

But in the end, I didn’t do it, because responsibility won me over. Plus I couldn’t help but think of what my manager told me before I joined the team when she saw my tenure – that I was someone who stayed, and it’s a big thing. I thought maybe I should hold on a little while longer, and not make hasty decisions. And it’s not like it was so easy to just run away.

Besides, if I didn’t remain there for a little bit longer, I wouldn’t have found my 2015 word, and I wouldn’t have moved to this other job.

So it all worked out in the end.

The One Who Remained.

At the SFC International Conference at Cagayan de Oro last year, the second talk was all about the apostle John, and the crucifixion.

You see, John was the only one among all of Jesus’ apostles that was at the foot of the cross up until Jesus drew his last breath. When everyone else had run away and hid, John stayed. After Peter denied Jesus three times, John followed Jesus to the cross.

Why was he there? The speaker asked.

The answer was simple: He was there because Jesus was his friend. 

The speaker further explained: He was there because he loved the Lord. John thought that his presence there would somehow ease Jesus’ pain and suffering just by merely being there.

It was early morning, and I was on my way to tutoring when a thought hit me.

Why don’t I study abroad? That’s something nice to do.

It was, admittedly, a nice dream. It was something I had parked at the back of my mind years ago, but I never pursued because I didn’t want to leave. And then I found a reason. Or perhaps, it wasn’t really a reason, but a push.

It seemed like a good idea, though, and it is still a good idea now. Except back then, the reason I wanted to do that was because I wanted to run away again. I wanted a fresh start that I can’t seem to get here, so I thought, where else can I get a fresh start but in another place where no one knew me?

Of course that didn’t happen, because other things did.

John could have ran away, too.

Continue reading Remain in My Love

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