Ave Maria

I think it was around January when a friend mentioned something about this Marian retreat she did that “totally changed her life.” I thought at first that it was the the actual retreat, where you go somewhere to be away and to listen to talks. But it was just a little book: 33 Days to Morning Glory by Fr. Michael Gaitley. You read a chapter a day, and at the end of 33 days, there’s  a consecration prayer, and voila!

“Get ready for miracles!” she said, her eyes sparkling excitedly.

I don’t have a strong devotion to Mary. I mean, I know her, I believe in her and I honor her. There was one Lent where I prayed the rosary everyday as a part of my Lenten prayers, but come Easter, I stopped. I only really pray the rosary when I have to – like when we pray it in the family – or when I was really, really afraid (or heartbroken).

I don’t mean to be so flippant. I think my not having a devotion is not because I don’t believe in her intercession, but because I didn’t understand her – her role, what she can do, and why she’s important. I thought I could grow in my Catholic faith without her. But after I heard my friend talk about Mama Mary and the retreat, I decided to get myself a copy of that book. After all, what she said made sense — who else can teach us how to love Jesus than His very human mom? There’s nothing to lose, anyway, and I have to admit, the miracles thing got me curious. What kind of miracles, really?

And as if it was a sign, the 33 Days book arrived at home in less than two weeks after I ordered it online, way early than when my Book Depository orders usually come, and just in time for me to start the retreat on the next recommended date.

Again, what do I have to lose, right?

At the end of my 33 days retreat, the day I finished the book, I wrote this:

I was trying to think of ways to review this book, because 33 Days to Morning Glory didn’t feel like the regular book I would review. For one thing, I never thought I’d actually do this until a friend told me about this retreat. Another is that how can I find the words to explain how reading this in the past 33 days have changed me, helped me get to know Mary and her role in my life through St. Louis de Montfort, St. Maximilian Kolbe, Blessed Mother Teresa, and Blessed John Paul II?

Let me say this instead, because this is the only thing I could think of now: there were miracles, big and small in the past 33 days that I could only attribute to the fact that I knew Mary was praying with me. There were crosses that were made sweeter, and I know that if I had encountered them on my own, it would have crushed me. But having Mama Mary by my side made it different, easier, even. She held my hand and stood by me as we looked at Jesus at the Cross, and taught me how to accept His love and to love Him back. Who else could teach us how to love Jesus with our human heart other than Mary, his mother? I don’t know why it took me this long, but I’m glad I got here now.

I woke up excited this morning, because I remembered that it was 25th of March. Today is the Solemnity of the Annunciation, where we remember how Mary said the most beautiful “Yes” to the Lord, and through the Holy Spirit, she conceived Jesus. Today, like her, I also say yes to God — I consecrate myself to Jesus through Mary. :)

So how has it been, ever since I said “Yes” and was consecrated? I wish I could say it’s completely wonderful and all is good and dandy, but the truth is, it’s not. It’s hard. And sometimes frustrating. Sometimes I still feel sad, and lonely, and I still say and do bad things. Things go my way sometimes, but sometimes they don’t. I still get tired, and there were days when I just want to lie down in bed and do nothing.

In short, life is still pretty much the same, with all the happiness and difficulties that comes with it.

But it’s also not the same. Because there is something nice in knowing that someone is praying for me. You know how good it feels when you know that your friends have you in their prayers? It’s like that, but still more. There is a certain grace in knowing that the Mother of God is praying for me, and she wishes to bring me closer to her Son, if only I let her.

Perhaps if there was a biggest miracle that had happened in the past months since I embarked on the 33-day journey, it’s this: two years ago, the 25th of March was a significant date for me, one that is connected to the circumstances that led to this post. I counted every 25th as a celebration of sorts, and when it can no longer be significant, I had to stop counting. And it’s not easy to stop counting.

As I woke up on the last day of my 33-day Marian consecration journey, I realized with a start that my consecration date fell on the Solemnity of the Annunciation – March 25. I had to laugh when I realized what it all means. I’m sure it’s no coincidence now that the book arrived at the right time, so that my consecration date was on the 25th. I’m pretty sure Mama Mary had something to do with it. :)

#100happydays Day 53: Today, we celebrate the "yes" that truly mattered. Happy Solemnity of the Annunciation! 🙏 And happy consecration day to me. :) To Jesus, through Mary. 💙

It hasn’t been easy, but it also hasn’t been completely hard, either. Like what I wrote up there, the crosses are still the same but they are made sweeter because Mama Mary is there, and she’s holding my hand, and she wants me to be closer to her Son. It’s been full of grace, and joy, too, and I do not want to have it any other way than this.

Happy birthday, Mama Mary! ♥ Thank you for always praying for me, for us. Thank you for your motherly love. Thank you for saying yes to God. :) I love you!


Passing Time

I feel like I’m running out of time.

It’s not like my clocks are set to run faster than anyone else’s. Or that I live in the future, or the past, or whatever. As far as I know, I still live in the same time dimension as everyone else.

But I still feel like I’m running out of time, all the time.

Have you ever felt that way? Like days just pass by, and soon they’re weeks, and then months, and before you know it, the year is over. And you feel like the days pass by without leaving a mark, and sometimes I can’t even remember what happened at a certain time – as in I have a hard time recalling what I did last Tuesday, or last Saturday.

I hate it the most on weekends – when all of sudden, the weekend is ending, and I’m back to the daily grind. I feel sad because it’s another week, and it feels like everything’s the same even if in reality, it’s not. I mean, my job is anything but routinary. Or perhaps it’s not about the routine, but how things just seem so endless, and sometimes, pointless.

Thinking about all of that – how endless and pointless it all seems – makes me exhausted, to the point that I just want to stop, and stay in bed. The most I was excited about was doing nothing, and when faced with commitments outside, I get stressed out because again, I feel like I’m always running out of time. Like there isn’t enough time for me to do the things I need to do for my commitments…

…and yet I still have time to sleep in, to read, to lounge around and do things. I have time to do that, while finishing the things I said I finished.

Then I go through it all again, and I’m just tired, and all I want to do is sleep and rest.

But then there are those commitments.

Lather, rinse, repeat.

I swear, this must be where personal crisis comes from.

Time stops for no one.

I’ve been trying to figure out why I feel this way, and I keep on pointing it to how I am still settling into my new role at work. But it’s not just that, isn’t it? I mean, work is work, and it can be endless, but it’s not always the reason why I feel these things. Perhaps it’s because I’m back to managing our household, and I’m not so used to doing it again (even if I should be, especially since I do it every year anyway). Things are changing and changing and I am so out of my comfort zone, and I feel like I cannot keep up, and sometimes I panic and I want to yell STOP, because I need time to orient myself.

At first I thought that I am afraid of running out of time, but really, I’m afraid of running out of time for myself. That’s the thing with being so used to having time for myself in the past years – I feel like I’m entitled to it, even when I should be spending a better part of my day working. The reality is, I am not running out of time for myself – it would only happen if I let it, and I always have a choice. No matter how busy or crazy things get, I still have a choice. I forget that sometimes. I need to draw clearer lines, build better boundaries and respect them. And I need to remember that things do end, even if they seem so endless when I’m in the midst of it. They always end (even if it means something else starts right after).

I think the thing I need to do is to make time for the things that matter to me. I need to figure out what they are, and fight to have time for it. I am not a slave to my circumstances, and like I said: I always have a choice. So I need to make a choice to make time for the people and the things that give me joy. I need to resist the urge to lie down and do nothing, avoid sleeping in so I can wake up earlier and have time to do something that I want to do. There is a time for rest, yes, and I recognize and honor that, but more than half the time I say I am tired and I need rest, it’s just me being lazy. I need to distinguish which is which, so I know when to surrender to rest, and to fight the laziness.

I need to carve time for these important things, because if I don’t, then no one will.

Stop hitting the panic button.

I need to learn to be still. I need to remember that all of this in my life is just a period, and there’s infinitely more things that will happen later on. This is just a drop in the ocean, and it’s really not worth panicking over.

Relax, self. It’s okay, it’s all good. You are not running out of time.

After all, I serve and love a God who is the Author of Time, and He loves me back. What am I so afraid of?


take delight

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