Show me grace

01.

I don’t know if anything has changed, but things feel different somehow. It feels warmer. Not summer warm (or hot, rather), but more like the first rays of the sun peeking from the horizon after a long and sleepless and cold night. It was a welcome feeling, and I’m so, so, so afraid that it’s just a fluke, that it’s just one of those strange days that things are different.

But why am I subscribing to such negativity? Why can’t I just sit back, relax, and enjoy everything?

02.

I was angry. No, I was fuming.

I can’t remember the last time I was so pissed off about something, so bad that I wanted to cry. I wanted so much to fight back, to answer, to say something to put some people in their place. I was one click away to doing it, but a friend stopped me and told me to take a walk.

And so I did.

I was still so angry, that I needed to let it out. I called a friend and started ranting, and after I have said everything, after I have spent some time speaking about my anger, being all ranty and whiny, he says, “It’s kind of shallow, you know.”

And…he’s right.

We ended the conversation with another topic, and I thanked him. Later, he reminded me of something I used to tell myself before 2012 ended: be gracious.

03.

I was in tears. The frustration just bubbled up, and I wondered if there was something I could have done, if there was something I could’ve said to make everything stop. What if, what if, what if.

And then I wondered: are we really bad people?

It was then I really disliked everything, and even them. I hate that they made me doubt the goodness in the people I know, and most especially, me.

04.

I was snapping, snapping too fast. It was an automatic reaction when I talk to them sometimes, and I am not proud of it.

I think there’s a special kind of grace involved when dealing with your family. It’s easier to be nice with your friends because you don’t live with them, and you are often always together with them in the happy times. But when you live with some people who know you inside out, whose words can automatically set your nerves ringing with annoyance, it’s easier to snap and answer back.

But I’m too old for things like that. I’m too old to be a brat, I’m too old and I should know better.

So I prayed.

Image from we heart it
Image from we heart it

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Twenty Seven

I turned 27 last Sunday. I’ve been trying to think of what to write about it (because like Valentine’s Day, I can’t not have a post about my birthday), but other than my dog’s passing, I can’t think of any. It’s not that my birthday was quiet or not spectacular — it was, actually. I guess it’s more of, I don’t really know how to start without writing a too long post that I’m pretty sure only would read.

So let’s ask questions instead (because I’m trying to get out of not wanting to ask questions). I will try not to make this post too long. There will be photos!

Image from we heart it
Image from we heart it

How was your birthday week?

It started with drama. Interesting, right? But it was also a very good learning experience (with tears, natch) that taught me my first lesson in turning 27: be mature. Maturity is a conscious decision;  even if everything inside of me is screaming that I want my way and my way alone, I have to step back and give way. Like what I told someone that night — I have the most terrible sense of entitlement during my favorite month. Most terrible, I tell you, but turning another year older means that I have to start acting my age and compromise. Or if a compromise cannot be reached…then I just have to deal with it. Properly. And apologize if I need to.

But after that drama, everything else was quite…nice. Okay, nice is an understatement. It was all surprising and fun, filled with dinner meet-ups, surprises, books, pie and cake. Oh, and flowers. It was a very nice awesome splendid birthday week. :)

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12 Things About 2012

Ah. Can you believe that 2013 is almost upon us? It’s so cliche, but I can’t believe 2012 is almost over, when it really feels like it just flew by. Of course there were months that seemed to last forever (I’m looking at you, August and November), but in general everything seemed…I dunno, different.

Wait, I think I always say that about my years.

So if I were to give a theme for 2012, what would it be? Well, my word of the year is love. I can’t say that I was completely loving this year  because I know I wasn’t. But as I have been sharing with my friends in various Christmas dinners this year, I shared that 2012 is the year when I learned to love. Not just romantic love, but love in general. I’m far from an expert, of course, but 2012 was the year that I think God taught me so much about my heart and I am surprised that I even thought I knew myself before.

All in all, 2012 was pretty…good. It was, it was. If I look back at this year, I think I will always look back at this year with fondness, maybe just a little bit more than 2011.

And because we like numbers, and playing with them,1 here’s 12 things about my 2012:

  1. 2012 is the year of community. One of my goals for this year is to go back to my church community, and I think it was the only goal I actually reached. I am really glad that I found a new spiritual family, and that I have started attending households/small groups again! And I even have a household of my own! :) Other than my church community, I also found myself surrounded by more people who I have learned to really love. They’re people who would cry with you, celebrate with you and would pray for your heart. They’re people you have history with, and you wouldn’t mind building even more history with them too. If you were a part of one of these communities (you know who you are), I just want to you know: I love you. <3 I am so blessed by your presence in my life this year. :)
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  1. Or, not really. I don’t like Math. []