I figure it’s time for some serious blogging, aside from reviews. I’ve been talking too much about the things I’ve watched and read lately that this is becoming a review blog.
I’m almost done with my self-imposed vacation, and I shall start my job hunting tomorrow. Well, I’ll start it on Monday, actually, since tomorrow isn’t a business day. But tomorrow, I shall fix my resume, beef up my portfolio a bit and then fix my JobStreet and JobsDB resumes as well. And then it’s work time…or at least, job hunt time.
I make it sound so easy, but you know what? I’m terrified. I still feel like a fish out of the water, a chicken running around with its head cut off. I still feel so inadequate and to think I graduated from one of the top universities in the country.
I know and feel that this is where God wants me to be right now, but I still feel a bit lost. Lost in the sense that I still don’t know where to go, I still don’t really have a grasp on what I should do. A part of me wants to start working already, but another part of me is saying that I still want to stay as a bum and all that. This sounds mighty shallow, I know, but that part of me is actually saying that I’ll be missing out on all the shows I watch at home during my bumtime. And I actually listen to that. Biruin nyo yun.
There’s also this part of me that wonders if I’ll ever have time for myself when I get working. I suppose my imagination is exaggerating because I always imagine myself working too much and not getting time for myself afterwards; but even my brother finds time for himself everyday when he gets home. I guess in a way that’s me being afraid of the responsibility of being an adult?
Hay. And then I also start to worry about other things that I don’t even worry about…like what about my family? What about my mom? If I start working, she’ll be all alone at home and she’ll be lonely and all that…what about my friends? Will we see each other if I start working? I won’t be able to go to any swimming trips that Bea plans or other things that they plan during the weekday if I work. You know?
Sometimes, I hate it when I think too much. And this is one of those times. I know that most of these thoughts are just silly thoughts, thoughts that the devil are using so that I would completely freeze and not move on and be a lazy bum all my life. And because I know that, it makes me even more annoyed at myself because I’m supposed to know about all of these already. I’m supposed to be ready for this…but why do I feel so unprepared? :(
I feel that the Lord is really urging me to dive…and after all the time that I’ve spent resting and “preparing” myself…it’s about time I move, you know? To take that leap of faith that I’ve learned to take last term while doing our thesis. This is just another one of those, and no matter how terrified I am, I just have to keep looking Up, to the Son.
Hay Lord. Calm my heart. Teach me to trust You again this time…I know You’ll take care of me, that You have plans for me…but for that to happen, I have to take The Leap. Help me, Father, to take that first step, and another and another…until I dive in into Your love. Cast away my fears, Father, and help me to believe in Your plan for me and my family. I love You. ♥
When God asks you to take a leap of faith, He will teach you how to fly or catch you if you fall.
– May 26, 2006