Making Sense

I don’t really know how this day turned out, except that I didn’t went out, and I think I just had a fight with my mom over a totally shallow thing that could have been avoided if proper words and emotions were chosen to be acted upon.

I hate how things could be blown way out of proportion here when unpleasant emotions can be avoided by the way one react to things. I’ve been taught in serving in YFC that while my emotions are entirely valid, it’s not an excuse for you to treat another person badly. It’s not an excuse to take it out on another person who, even if he/she might have done something that isn’t right, is not the cause of your moodiness. Yes, you may feel sad, annoyed or not in the mood, but it is no excuse to treat other people badly.

Argh, sorry. I’m just a bit pissed how the mood was taken out on me when it couldn’t have been that way. I know I did something wrong, but is it such a big deal that you have to shout at me again? That you have to say the same lines used before, Alam ko matalino ka naman, bakit ka ganyan? ((READ: I know you’re smart, but why are you like that?)) It’s so annoying. Why didn’t you just tell me to clean it and I’ll gladly do it without you having to be angry? It would’ve saved you from the anger and me the tears.

Okay, shut up now.

Hay nako. I don’t want it to be a big deal anymore.

And speaking of big deals, I think one of the reasons why I am making such a big deal out of this job thing is because the choice for the next step is with me. I have the power to choose if I would stay in this job or choose a different career path, or just take a break altogether. Whereas when I was still in school, the only choice I have is the one right in front of me — studies. I can complain about it all the time but at the end of the day (or the start), I still have to study. Period. Being restricted of the choice on what is the next step makes life easy than having to decide what to do with the rest of your life on your own. Yes, on your own. Let’s face it: no matter how much you consult people, no matter how much you talk (or in my case, blog) about it, the choice is still yours. You will still choose what path to take — to stay or to leave, to look for a new way or stick to what you are doing.

That power is both liberating and frightening, and truth be told, I’m having a hard time facing it. I’m having a hard time using it which is why I keep on talking about it ((Defense mechanism, ahoy)). I need to make up my mind. I need to make a choice.

Wait, I think I have. Now I have to act on it. But when?

Haaaaaay. Stop blabbering, you need to sleep. Tomorrow is back to work (gulp), and you have to deal. As always.

I’ll be okay. I always am. I just wish I could be more than okay (or as Switchfoot sings, more than fine, more than bent on getting by, more than fine, more than just okay…) soon.