Also known as: Where I admit something I am not really fond of admitting
Can also be known as: Where I embarrass myself for being brutally honest
Now that I’m trying to blog a bit more, one of the things I tend to do is read my past entries in hopes of finding inspiration. It doesn’t always happen, where I write an entry to follow up an old post (I’m usually too lazy to do that), but it can also happen.
So it’s been a few months since I wrote my current and favorite Valentine’s Day post. I still read that fondly, and I still believe every single word I wrote there and I still try my best to hold onto every single thing I said with conviction. I still believe that I deserve that much, that I want to be pursued, that I am worth the fight. I know and believe that because my God did so much to fight for my life and my heart and my love, I deserve the love that I dream of having.
But can I be absolutely, brutally honest, just for a moment?
Promise you won’t judge?
Okay, as much as I feel so embarrassed to write this down…here’s the truth.
I know that dating isn’t just to find a short-term relationship, but you know, to find someone you will be with forever. I know and believe that, and that’s really what I want, too. I mean, like what that song says, I want the real thing or nothing at all. I really, really do.
But seeing that I’ve never had a boyfriend in my entire life…is it so bad when sometimes I balk at the thought of, you know, dating for marriage. I mean, I know you should date because you want to get married…but if I were to be totally, totally honest?
Sometimes, I just really want to know how it feels to be in a relationship.
I know that after this, I’ll probably hear of a story of a break-up from someone, or say, read about love problems that I am lucky enough not to experience because of my single state. I am enjoying being single and I am enjoying meeting new people for the sake of meeting them and making new friends. I admit — I even enjoy it when friends tease and talk about my love life and lack thereof. I am fine with being myself, I am fine with my friends, and I am always discovering something new with the things I get myself into. I know that that guy and that time will come, and I will probably just be surprised when he and that time arrives and things will fall into place and I will be surprised at how everything just fell into place.
But…who’s thinking about getting married that soon? I don’t want to. Think about it, I mean. I will probably think of that eventually, but honestly, I just really want to know how it is to be in a relationship. I want to be a girlfriend. I want to have a boyfriend. I want to celebrate monthlies and anniversaries without really thinking of what happens next. I just want to know how it feels. Is it bad or shallow of me that I want that, and I don’t want to think of forever just yet? Can’t we deal with that later?
Okay, so how’s that for over thinking stuff? I apologize. And I am embarrassed.
I think (and I admit) that I am writing this just because I’m feeling a little impatient again. I am happy with my current state, I really am, but sometimes I can’t help but wonder. And this wondering and wandering leads to thoughts like this. It’s times like these that I am convinced that I am probably not ready to get there just yet.
A friend once told me2: “Maybe your extended singlehood is God’s way of saving you from future hurts. Or worse, from settling for someone who is not your perfect pair. God knows that you’re the type of person who will work things out to the end, so you should be with your promised pair.” I know in my heart of hearts that what my friend said was true, so maybe that’s why I am still waiting. And that’s why I shouldn’t really let these kinds of thoughts make me lose sight of the real purpose of dating and romance, the one that God had planted in my heart.
I believe that I am being prepared. I am getting ready, I am being suited up, and all that. It’s not easy, especially with me reminding myself that I want to be pursued (Do you know how hard this is sometimes?), but like what the priest said at the mass earlier: true love requires fortitude. And I guess the kind of fortitude I need to have now is the one that requires me to wait and trust.
Moments like this is just another opportunity to trust God that He has a plan, and He hears and knows the desires of my heart. And even if I have absolutely no idea when and where and how and most especially who, I just know and believe that it will all unfold beautifully in His perfect time.
And then…I’ll know.
♫♫♪ You’re gonna be someone’s somebody…you’re gonna be somebody’s someone. ♫♫♪