I don’t know if anything has changed, but things feel different somehow. It feels warmer. Not summer warm (or hot, rather), but more like the first rays of the sun peeking from the horizon after a long and sleepless and cold night. It was a welcome feeling, and I’m so, so, so afraid that it’s just a fluke, that it’s just one of those strange days that things are different.
But why am I subscribing to such negativity? Why can’t I just sit back, relax, and enjoy everything?
I was angry. No, I was fuming.
I can’t remember the last time I was so pissed off about something, so bad that I wanted to cry. I wanted so much to fight back, to answer, to say something to put some people in their place. I was one click away to doing it, but a friend stopped me and told me to take a walk.
And so I did.
I was still so angry, that I needed to let it out. I called a friend and started ranting, and after I have said everything, after I have spent some time speaking about my anger, being all ranty and whiny, he says, “It’s kind of shallow, you know.”
We ended the conversation with another topic, and I thanked him. Later, he reminded me of something I used to tell myself before 2012 ended: be gracious.
I was in tears. The frustration just bubbled up, and I wondered if there was something I could have done, if there was something I could’ve said to make everything stop. What if, what if, what if.
And then I wondered: are we really bad people?
It was then I really disliked everything, and even them. I hate that they made me doubt the goodness in the people I know, and most especially, me.
I was snapping, snapping too fast. It was an automatic reaction when I talk to them sometimes, and I am not proud of it.
I think there’s a special kind of grace involved when dealing with your family. It’s easier to be nice with your friends because you don’t live with them, and you are often always together with them in the happy times. But when you live with some people who know you inside out, whose words can automatically set your nerves ringing with annoyance, it’s easier to snap and answer back.
But I’m too old for things like that. I’m too old to be a brat, I’m too old and I should know better.
So I prayed.
New mail. Confirmation.
I did something brave today. :)
This isn’t your battle, I had to remind myself a hundred times everyday, because it’s the truth. I have a hard time believing it, though, because I kind of want to make it my fight. But I shouldn’t.
Then I wondered if some people are acting out of their ignorance. Maybe they’re doing things because they don’t know the whole story. Hasn’t that happened in the past days? Haven’t I reacted over something, or done something with the little information I know, assuming that I know everything when in reality, I don’t? I’m sure it applies for other people too, right?
Maybe, maybe they just don’t know.
It doesn’t make them less annoying or creepy…but I find myself feeling a little gentler towards them. It doesn’t excuse what they do, but I feel like I can give them a chance.
And it’s kind of nice when you know you can give people a chance.
Love. Everlasting and enduring love.
And it’s not the happily ever after kind I read about, but real ones. Love that will face so many challenges, love that will be weathered by storms. Love, love, love.
It’s amazing when you see it, when you are faced with that kind of love. It’s the kind of love that inspires tears, and prayers: tears of joy for the people who share that love and prayers for their love to be stronger than anything that any challenge that they will face; and then tears of hope and fervent prayers that someday, I will have that same kind of love. That I will be capable of this kind of love, too.
I wasn’t sure if I wanted to go, but later in the afternoon, I decided that I will, if only to deliver the things I bought from the mountain to them, because they won’t fit in the fridge anymore. I braved all the commuting and walking and humidity, reminiscing my college years as I switched trains and saw my alma mater through that small window between the crowd squished inside the coach.
It was one of my best decisions that day, and I was really glad that things fell into place and I was able to see them. We’ve come a long way from being just friends who meet every now and then to talk about the things we like doing, because we happen to all like doing the same thing. We’ve come a long way from that, and these are the people that I really hope to keep for life.
Other than the commute, the heat, their stories and the sudden visit to a new place, that Saturday could be just like any Saturday I spent with these people…but it felt so much more. That Saturday is definitely included in my list of Favorite Saturdays ever.
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Grace, in all forms, in the past days. Grace in my doubt, grace in my anger, grace in my weakness, grace in the brave things, grace in letting go, in love and in being loved. Amazing, amazing grace. :)