Yearly Archives: 2009

Dear Diary

Christmas Air

Did you feel it yesterday? And this morning? The air. It’s cold. Not rainy cold, but Christmas cold.

That definitely made my week. :)

It’s been a month today. I’m staying at our house now, and even if I don’t have a bed (or a desk) and my room still needs to be sorted out (as well as all the other clothes), I’m good. I’m starting to get back to the groove of the old things, and I’m learning to let go and trust more now. At least, I think so. :) I think I have found a new devotion to the Rosary, though. How many times have I found that praying the rosary helps me focus on the One bigger than all of this? I’d like to believe that God answered our prayers by sparing the country from Ramil. So thank You.

I still mean to post more thoughts on everything I learned, but right now my mind is being consumed by three things: work, work out and NaNoWriMo. How about that. This is probably why I end up having dark circles under my eyes, because I can’t sleep with everything I’m thinking about! I promise to post about them though. :D

But all is good. :D That Christmas air just assured me that everything will be all right.

So did you feel it?

Dear Diary, In His Steps

Checking In

Hi friends. I’m still alive. *waves*

Exactly three weeks ago, my life changed.

I never thought I’d say that line above in all seriousness. I mean, I’ve had life-changing experiences but it was never of this gravity. Sometimes I still feel like it’s so surreal,  but little reminders get to me every now and then. Every time I go home, I see how everything was turned upside down to clean the house. Every time I go “home” to the condo, I remember the reason why I’m there. Whenever I see tweets, read messages or hear news about how relief operations are going, or God forbid, another storm is coming, I remember what happened that Saturday, when the flood came.

It sounds so dramatic and all, but I believe everyone’s lives were changed by the flood. Even if they didn’t experience it firsthand, it’s really something that took us all by surprise and threw everything out of whack. Every time I try to remember something before three weeks ago, I feel like it’s such a faraway memory, that I’m not even sure of the exact details anymore.

Yes, my life changed that night. And I’m thankful.

I wanted to make a long post about the things I learned from this entire thing, but I’ve got some stuff to do for now. The past weeks have been terribly busy with work, NaNoWriMo preparations, cleaning up and moving from one place to another, that sometimes I forget to breathe and I feel like I’m all rushed. But that’s life, gotta deal with it. I promise to post about all this, though, once I can breathe easily, and maybe, maybe at that time, I can finally look back at the entire experience without any bitter or sad or scared feeling.

I’ll be okay. We’ll all be okay. God will definitely lead us through this, and I believe in it with my whole heart.

So just checking in. :)

And on a final note…RAMIL, GOD IS STILL BIGGER THAN YOU. :)

Stay safe, everyone.

In His Steps

Oratio Imperata for Deliverance from Calamities

Almighty Father, we raise our hearts to You in gratitude for the wonders of creation of which we are part, for Your providence in sustaining us in our needs, and for Your wisdom that guides the course of the universe.

We acknowledge our sins against You and the rest of creation.

We have not been good stewards of Nature.

We have confused Your command to subdue the earth.

The environment is made to suffer our wrongdoing, and now we reap the harvest of our abuse and indifference.

Global warming is upon us. Typhoons, floods, volcanic eruption, and other natural calamities occur in increasing number and intensity.

We turn to You, our loving Father, and beg forgiveness for our sins.

We ask that we, our loved ones and our hard earned possessions be spared from the threat of calamities, natural and man-made.

We beseech You to inspire us all to grow into responsible stewards of Your creation, and generous neighbors to those in need.

Amen.

Source: inquirer.net

Big, Fun and Scary Things, Dear Diary, In His Steps

More Ondoy Aftermath

It’s been five days since that day that I saw our house submerged in the flood, and sometimes I still wonder if everything that happened was just a dream.

I never thought I'd see our house like this.
I never thought I'd see our house like this.

But every time I go back home and see the mess that we have to clean up, the furniture that we have to bring out of the house, the mattresses that needed to be washed out and dried…and the fact that my dad is leaving so soon, I am brought back to reality and I can feel despair creeping into my heart again.

Yesterday I said that I will stop being a victim and start being a survivor. However, the moment I got home and learned that there was no water that we could use to clean up, I started feeling down again. When my brother dropped me off at the condo, I took some time at Galleria to get some wifi and look around (yes, I tried looking for the bag. Failed). As I checked Twitter and Facebook, I read a lot of updates about Pepeng and I felt full-fledged fear. The kind of fear that I only used to feel when I was thinking about my thesis back in college, and yet not quite because this time it’s not just the grades I am worrying about but our own lives.

It was enough to make me teary-eyed…but I didn’t cry just yet. It wasn’t until I got to the condo, with my first nutritious dinner in four days that I found myself bawling after almost slipping on the growing pool of water under the refrigerator that was there because my dad defrosted the freezer.

I know it’s something no one should ever cry about, but I was tired. I felt beaten. I was despairing, I was afraid. All I could think of was, “Lord, please stop hitting me while I’m still down. Please, please, let me recover first before bringing me anything else.”

It was the first time I’ve cried like that for the longest time. It was the type of crying that had actual sobs, not the kind of crying I usually do with laughter in between. I almost just wanted to sit there and just cry because I felt like my heart couldn’t take it anymore. Lord, I’m not strong enough. Lord, I can’t do this anymore, I can’t deal with it. Lord, I’m sorry I can’t be stronger.

I thought I was okay…but I wasn’t. I don’t think I’ll be really, really okay yet. Yesterday while I was cleaning up, I started wondering what I would have been doing at that moment if the flood didn’t happen. I probably would’ve been at work. My brother would be somewhere, working on a project, probably. My parents would be buying stuff for my dad’s return to Saipan. I would’ve gone to Body Jam earlier today before heading to work. I would’ve been making plans for NaNoWriMo 2009. I would’ve been buried in CSS codes at work. I would’ve been planning something to do for the weekend…I would have. I would have. But I’m not.

I miss a lot of things back before the flood. Work. My normal everyday routine. I know things will go back to normal eventually, but I know the flood has changed me. There will always be the “before the flood” and “after the flood”. I will always remember September 26 as the day that the seemingly impossible happened to us, and changed all our lives.

* * *

There’s Pepeng news all around, and right now I just don’t want to listen to it. I’m scared, because we haven’t fully recovered yet and here comes another possible big blow. And it’s not over yet because I hear there’s another one coming soon. But there’s nothing else I can do (other than get ready) but pray. And believe that God is faithful. Because He is. And when my strength is not enough, I’m sure His is.

PEPENG, MY GOD IS BIGGER THAN YOU.

No test or temptation that comes your way is beyond the course of what others have had to face. All you need to remember is that God will never let you down; he’ll never let you be pushed past your limit; he’ll always be there to help you come through it. (1 Corinthians 10:13 – The Message)

Dear Diary, In His Steps

I feel like I'm Job

For those who are curious: I live in Cainta.

Obviously I’m blogging so you know I’m okay. Normally rains don’t bother me except the fact that it’s so hard to commute, because our village entrance usually gets flooded and I get stranded inside the village. Plus rains mean brownout and no internet, so you know.

Saturday gave me a whole new reason to be scared of rains. I woke up with a plan to do the following: go to the gym, go to NaNoWriMo volunteers’ meeting, then buy the bag I want and go home. However, I woke up late so I didn’t get to ride with my brother so I told myself I’d just commute. He then warned me to not go out anymore, so I just went online to book flights for our Palawan trip this December. I knew there was a typhoon but I didn’t think much of it, since it’s just rains and like I said, it doesn’t flood in our street. I cancelled the meetings and was fully prepared to be inside the house the entire day and enjoy the bed weather with my new books…but then a few hours later, I went out and my dad said, “Look, water’s rising up to the gutter.”

Again, let me reiterate: we never get flooded in our street.

By lunchtime, water was beyond our gutter, and by three in the afternoon, water was in our garage. Four, water was inside our house. By eight, we crossed waist-deep flood to get to our neighbor’s second floor with our valuables and prayed for the rain to stop.

Waking up the next morning was surreal. Our house…is…I can’t describe it. The things we put up so they won’t get wet tumbled down into the water anyway. My brother’s camera got wet because we didn’t see it. Our clothes are safe, thank goodness, but most of our furniture are wrecked. We’ve cleaned up stuff yesterday and today, but we’ve got a long way to go. Some of my books got wet, I lost a lot of files, my brother’s clothes all got soaked. It’s surreal.

I’ve helped out flood victims, but I never thought I would be a flood victim myself. I try to laugh it out and say it’s time to clean up anyway, but tell me: how does one go back to normal after something like this?

I know I’m luckier than the other ones because most of my belongings are saved and we have good neighbors and our house is still intact and everyone I know is safe (well, still waiting for the other people to text). But my heart is unsettled, and I want to be brave but I feel like I can’t. Sometimes I wish I had the power to magically make everything okay, but I can’t. How can I ever go back to functioning normally again after this?

I’m not mad at God, nor I am questioning His purpose. I’m trying very hard to trust Him right now, to trust that this is a part of His plan. I’m trying very hard not to be afraid, but I feel like I will always be afraid whenever there is rain. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to sleep soundly with the sound of rain. I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to work and hear the rain without worrying about my mom at home. I don’t know if we’ll even be able to restore our home.

It’s just so, so, surreal.

And then I remember Job.

My situation isn’t anything like Job’s of course. He got it so much worse. But there was this verse that I remember from his book that I am trying to hold onto:

I was born with nothing, I will die with nothing. The Lord gave and now He has taken away. May His name be praised! (Job 1:21)

What strength and faith he has to be able to utter that. Imagine me, losing so little and saving so much and I find difficulty to praise and thank God for it. All I could think about is “What next?”

I want to find the strength to be optimistic, to be brave and to start again. I want to be brave for my family and my friends. I don’t know how, but I know I’m out. And I know He’s got more. And He’s bigger than all of this. And He’s the only one I can hold onto in this time.

Interestingly, when we got back after the flood has gone down, we found that the altar in our house wasn’t moved at all. Everything else tumbled down/was wet, but the water didn’t even touch the Bible enthroned on our altar. If that isn’t a sign of God’s strength, I don’t know what is.

I don’t know what will happen next, and I have a feeling I’ll swing from happy to sad and back and I don’t know when we’ll be able to recover from this…but I’m going to try to hold on. I’m going to try to praise God regardless of what happened…because He is God. And I am not. And He knows and understands more than what I can understand now.

It’s going to be a long week. Maybe even months for others. Thanks to everyone who texted and sent a message through all kinds of social networking stuff. :P Thanks to our neighbors who we stayed in for two nights and to everyone in the street who helped out. It’s far from over, so please keep on praying. Not only for us but for the other people who got devastated by Ondoy.

I will do my best to echo Job in this situation. God, please give us the strength to hold on. Please don’t let us go.

Every blessing You pour out
I’ll turn back to praise
When the darkness closes in, Lord
Still I will say

Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your glorious name

You give and take away
You give and take away
My heart will choose to say
Lord, blessed be Your name

(Blessed be Your Name, Matt Redman)

We’re okay. We’ll be okay. Other people need more help than we do, so please send donations their way. You can visit Philippineaid.com to see how you can help.

Big, Fun and Scary Things

Plot Holes

Day 25So. Let’s try this again.

I’m going to have the first volunteer’s meeting for NaNoWriMo Philippines 2009 tomorrow afternoon, and I am quite excited about it. I have a couple of ideas in my head right now (which I should start writing down after I finish this entry) about what to do for the Wrimos for this year and I hope I we could pull everything off. It is the region’s fifth year after all.

But there’s another thing I should be preparing for November is my own novel. I still have absolutely no plot that I am really interested in investing my whole November in. Oh sure, I have a few ideas here and there, but I’m not sure if they’d hold for thirty days in November or I’d end up hating it the way I hated used to hate my 2007 novel.

Someone give me a plot?

Thanks, inkygirl.com
Thanks, inkygirl.com

So let’s throw some ideas in the air, shall we?

  • IDEA # 1: A sequel of my 2008 novel. I’m thinking the sequel would be something like, I Am Dating (And Everybody Knows) or I Am in a Relationship (And Everybody Knows), and it tells of Ruth and Ian’s relationship (oops, spoiler over there). It’s a tempting idea…but I haven’t even finished the novel yet so why am I planning to write a sequel? And it kind of reminds me of the Ashley Stockingdale series…and I bet there will be a third part for this if I push through with the sequel. Something like, I Am Engaged (And Everybody Knows). Haha…but why not?
  • IDEA # 2: I thought of reviving my 2006 novel, but writing from a different character’s perspective. The 2006 novel is in hiatus right now but there was this new character I was supposed to introduce and is supposed to have her own story. It’s supposed to be based on Jonah’s story in the Bible, and would be set a couple of years after my 2006 novel. It’s something to think about.
  • IDEA # 3: Young Adult again, and it’s an idea I’ve been trying to play with in Wordplay every now and then. It’s about this girl who used to be a leader in her youth group but disappeared because of some sort of scandal with her partner and her best friend. She goes away for a year, goes back to the country and attended college where another chapter of the youth group is very active. She tries to stay away from them, but she gets caught by her roommate wearing a youth group shirt and won’t stop bothering her about it. She comes back but she’s wary because of what happened a couple of years ago.I really like this idea, but I’m not so sure if it would hold. I mean, writing the group and the setting should be easy because I’m practically basing it from the things I used to do in college but I’m not so sure if I can pull of a brooding girl and pair her up with a guy who might need some slight acne treatments and who will bring her out of her shell. Huh, this storyline reminds me a bit of a Sarah Dessen story…and I am not surprised. Haha. Let’s see.
  • IDEA # 4: There’s still Ibong Adarna remix that I’ve been planning for ages but cannot think of a good storyline to follow for this. Besides, after some research, I realized that I didn’t like the ending of Ibong Adarna. Heh.

I’m stuck. I’m still browsing through the forums’ Adopt a Plot threads, and there are some interesting ideas, but I’m still not sure about it.

Maybe it’s just because I’m not in a conducive environment? Maybe work is just totally getting in the way. I need a fresh environment! I need to people watch! I need to read books outside of my genre! Maybe I need to try something from a new genre so spice things up? I need to…

…get things together. *facepalm*

Come on, inspiration! I need you!

25/30.

Big, Fun and Scary Things, Dear Diary

So close

Day 24So let’s try this mobile blogging thing again. WordPress for iTouch, plz to not eat my entry? Ktnx.

I’m on Day 24 of this blogging challenge…and honestly? I don’t think it’s doing anything for me. I don’t know if it’s because I just have too much work or the lack of a theme but I can’t think of things to write anymore. At least interesting things that is, that don’t sound like it’s all “me, me, me”. I almost wanted to skip today but I figured I should still try…so here I am.

I’ve got six more days to go at this and I’m kind of dreading it because I really have no idea what else to blog that is even remotely interesting/inspiring/whatever. Everything else I wrote sounds like I’m complaining or sounds like I’m the only one interested in it. Kind of like talking to a wall, or shouting in the air where no one cab hear anything, you know? Does anyone even read this thing besides me? And a few people I know?

I hope I get hit by inspiration tomorrow. Let’s see.

Six more days, Tina. Let’s see if the challenge would bring anything.

On another note, I just remembered an email I need to send. Now please don’t eat my entry.

24/30.

Big, Fun and Scary Things, Randomnities

iDoze

Day 23What a long, long, long, long, longggg day. And it’s almost over, and I’m still at work, and…what a long, long, long day this has been.

All I want to do now is this:

funny-pictures-cat-dozes

My brain is totally fried from all the work today, and…well, I’m just tired. Too tired to even think of a proper blog entry. See.

This kind of reminds me of when I had to do so much work for school that my brain is absolutely fried. The only difference is…I’m in school. And I get paid for this.  Heh.

*yawn*

Anyway, I’m going to…zzzz…..

23/30.

Big, Fun and Scary Things, Greetings

Big Brother

Day 22I cannot believe it.

I’ve been searching through all my photo archives and I just realized that I don’t have any recent pictures with my brother.

How did that happen?

Oh yeah, I hardly take pictures and if we take pictures, he’s always the one who takes the photos. Heh.

I meant to create a new greeting today in honor of my brother who turns 26 today. He’s out having dinner/drinking with his friends right now, and we’ll be having our time with him tomorrow (with my future sister-in-law). I don’t know if he’ll be able to read this, but still…

Because there’s no recent photo of us anywhere (huhuhuhu :( ), I’ll just repost the same greeting I created for him three years ago, with some edits. The words ring true to this day, anyway. :)

Happy birthday, Kuya!

We need to have more pictures together. :P

Thanks for everything, Kuya. Love you! ♥

22/30.

Big, Fun and Scary Things

A Little Dose of Fiction

Day 21This entry should be going to Wordplay, but it’s not flash fiction because I’ve written this one months ago. Anyway, I’m just really tired today so I can’t go and think of anything deep to write about (I still owe you guys something though). Soo…since NaNoWriMo is almost upon us (still going crazy thinking about it!), and I’ve been meaning to finish this novel soon (gimme time, gimme time!), I thought I’d share a part of my 2008 novel that I am currently finishing/revising. :)

Most of the stuff I wrote in 2008 are still unused in this re-written version…which is like a total bad thing to do when you’re not yet done with your novel, but really, the things I wrote November last year? It sucked. Haha. Then again…this excerpt I’ll share may also suck just as bad so I shouldn’t judge.

Before I cut this entry…I invite you! If you’ve been wanting to write a novel all your life and haven’t…well, this November is just the perfect time to write a novel! :) Everyone’s welcome to join the challenge, so if you have a passion for creative writing, you’re welcome! So…join the National Novel Writing Month! 30 days to write a 50,000 word novel. Crazy? Yes! Fun? DEFINITELY. :)

So here we are…one of the favorite new parts for my 2008 novel. :D Unedited, of course, so excuse the errors. :)

Continue reading A Little Dose of Fiction →