I'm losing you and it's effortless

Despite the Alvin and the Chipmunks movie thing with Grace and Jeb, I’m feeling quite down today. I blame it all on the introspection I did on the dorky email invite I sent last night, to what kind of leadership style I have to me not having someone to vent this all out on. Not that I mind being able to write in my journal; it’s just that I miss having someone to vent all the things out on. Not only any person, but a specific person.

So now I ask the question: Is a friend still a friend even if you hardly talk to each other? Let’s say you had a pretty good friendship, but then a lot of things happened to your individual lives — one of you got a relationship, both of you started working, or someone in the family goes away, or something like that — and because of all of this, you slowly lose contact. You still consider the other person as a friend, but you hardly see each other, let alone talk. You can’t wait to tell the other person about everything, but when you do, you get nothing back. You text, but you don’t get a reply because you’re from a different network. You plan something so you would see each other, but then the other person doesn’t show up. Or the other person shows up, but terribly late and everything’s over. You continue talking about time together, but nothing ever happens. You find out major things about the other person from someone else, and when you ask that person, that’s when you get to know what really happened. You feel like you’re giving everything to preserve the friendship you have and there’s nothing from the other end.

Who feels like that sometimes? How about right now? *raises hand*

I know I’m not a high maintenance friend. I do have a lot of trouble keeping in touch with other people, yes, but I’m trying to make up for it. I do have a lot of friends who I love and I can talk to a lot (most especially these two), and I really appreciate them. But you know the feeling where there’s just certain people you want to talk to about certain things, because you know that person is the one who understands and won’t judge no matter what? That’s the one. This person is that kind of friend, the one I run to whenever there’s something I needed to vent, or when something really good happens. That person was the first one I messaged when I passed thesis, and the first one I always text when something is happening. I consider this person my best friend, but right now it feels like I’m the only one who thinks that way.

I may be acting very dramatic right now…but really, is it that hard to give a little effort? You know, like when we set a gimmick, this person shows up. Or when I try to call, this person answers. Even a little text message would be fine with me, just to hear from that person. That kind of thing? I can’t feel anything from here. There wasn’t even a Christmas message. And is this because I don’t subscribe to the same network? Is it because this person has no load? But the significant other always gets a message! Is it just because I’m just the friend?

I sound like such a jealous person, I know. I may be overreacting…but this has happened to me before, and it’s not easy when the person who you trusted to be there for you just the same way you’d be there for them suddenly disappears, not showing up in the most important times of your life.. It’s not easy when another close friend gets angry at you because you tried to do what you thought was the right thing, and you feel like everyone else is against you after the outburst. One can only stomach so many “:))” and “haha’s” in Yahoo! Messenger and text message to hide what you really feel, because you know only that person will really understand.

I know friendship surpasses time and distance, and some friends, even if they don’t talk for ages feels like no time has passed when they see again. I’m thankful that we’re kind of like that…but right now I feel like if nothing happens about this, I’m going to lose this person as my friend. My friend would move on, I would move on and our friendship is just a memory. When we see each other again, I wouldn’t know what to say. And we’d rather hang out with different people instead.

And I really, really don’t want that to happen. :(

And suddenly I become a part of your past
I’m becoming the part that don’t last
I’m losing you and its effortless.
Over My Head (Cable Car), The Fray

2 thoughts on “I'm losing you and it's effortless”

  1. Is a friend still a friend even if you hardly talk to each other?>> in my case it does. i’ve recently met a friend of mine w/c i have not seen/talked/ym/email for what(4 years?). and when we talked its just like old times.

    but as you say a lot had happened. you may be in different cliques; have different interest now.

    she(guessing this is a girl) may feel a certain awkwardness you having not talked to for quite a while and does not know how to approach you even if you made the first move.

    or worse comes to worse she realized that she does not want to be part of your life anymore(pray it isn’t so) but these things happen. they may be there for group/barkada gatherings every now and then but does not want/need to be part of your life. this i know because i was once may still be ;this kind of a friend(one who do not want to see old friends; even close/best friends.) just because for several reasons that i don’t have the answer for.

    but you venting out such feelings is ok. you even need not feel guilty about this. at least you made the effort to communicate. but don’t hate her for it. just be a good friend and try to understand.

  2. i truly understand wat u’re feeling right now
    u don’t sound jealous nor dramatic!
    i’m going thru the same thing. && u said it all i can’t even find words :/
    i hate losing friends specially ones that cannot be replaced :”

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