Tag Archives: friendships

Big, Fun and Scary Things, Dear Diary

The Disappearing Act

Day 16Okay, so I still don’t have the words to continue what I meant about what was changing soon in the post the other day…but I will post about it. Maybe on the 19th or something, when I can breathe from all the things I need to finish doing by this week.

So. Onto not-so-serious topics for the meantime.

Have you ever had one of those days when you just want to disappear? You know, like poof! Not because of depression or whatever, but because you felt extremely antisocial?

I have.

I’m not proud to admit it, but there are times when I get sick of some people. It’s not that I get mad at them or anything, but sometimes, I need a breather. Did that make sense? It’s like…eating food. You can only eat so much of the same food over and over again. Eventually you’ll start looking for some other thing to eat other than that because you’ve gotten sick of it. It’s not that you’ll stop eating the other food, you just need a break.

I have moments like that with people.

No wonder I have some issues with keeping in touch.

There was a time back in college when I was so sick of having to sleep with so many people in a dorm (mind you, not sick with my roommates, but with the idea that I was sharing a room with four more people) that when I got home, I wanted to sleep in the privacy of my room. My mom didn’t have it, and forced me to sleep in their room (where we all sleep).

Hay.

Sometimes I feel absolutely antisocial with everyone, no matter who you are and where I’ve known you, sometimes I feel antisocial with a certain group only, or even a certain person. There are times when I am antisocial just because I feel like it, and there are times when there’s an actual reason — like being the third/fourth/fifth/insert number here wheel consecutively, or learning of a news that I don’t know how to handle or can’t handle just yet.

Please tell me I’m not the only one like this.

So am I feeling antisocial right now? Sort of. Kind of. It’s no biggie, really. Sometimes I just need a break. Sometimes I just need some alone time, to think things through, to think of myself and to reflect. Sometimes I feel like it’s just my brattiness that’s making me like this. Or, maybe it’s just me calling for, I don’t know, some kind of effort from the people to reach out to me.

Oh wait, that may be classified as brattiness too.

Just give me time. It’s been weird lately, honestly, and I think I need to take this time to figure some things out for myself. Sometimes all I need is some alone time to hear the still small voice inside me, which, honestly, I have been having trouble hearing lately.

Yeah, time. Just give me time.

* * *

Don’t worry, I don’t want to be like the girl in As Told by Ginger’s And She Was Gone. But I just thought I’d post it because it’s kind of related. :)

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And She Was Gone
As Told By Ginger

She chose to walk alone.
Though others wondered why.
Refused to look before her,
Kept eyes cast upwards,
Towards the sky.

She didn’t have companions.
No need for earthly things.
Only wanted freedom,
From what she felt were puppet strings.

She longed to be a bird.
That she might fly away.
She pitied every blade of grass
For planted they would stay.

She longed to be a flame.
That brightly danced alone.
Felt jealous of the steam
That made the air its only home.

Some say she wished too hard.
Some say she wished too long.
But we awoke one autumn day
To find that she was gone.

Some say she wished too hard.
Some say she wished too long.
But we awoke one autumn day
To find that she was gone.

The trees, they say, stood witness.
The sky refused to tell.
But someone who had seen it
Said the story played out well.

She spread her arms out wide.
Breathed in the break of dawn.
She just let go of all she held…

And then she was gone.

16/30.

Dear Diary, Thought-Provoking

I'm losing you and it's effortless

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Despite the Alvin and the Chipmunks movie thing with Grace and Jeb, I’m feeling quite down today. I blame it all on the introspection I did on the dorky email invite I sent last night, to what kind of leadership style I have to me not having someone to vent this all out on. Not that I mind being able to write in my journal; it’s just that I miss having someone to vent all the things out on. Not only any person, but a specific person.

So now I ask the question: Is a friend still a friend even if you hardly talk to each other? Let’s say you had a pretty good friendship, but then a lot of things happened to your individual lives — one of you got a relationship, both of you started working, or someone in the family goes away, or something like that — and because of all of this, you slowly lose contact. You still consider the other person as a friend, but you hardly see each other, let alone talk. You can’t wait to tell the other person about everything, but when you do, you get nothing back. You text, but you don’t get a reply because you’re from a different network. You plan something so you would see each other, but then the other person doesn’t show up. Or the other person shows up, but terribly late and everything’s over. You continue talking about time together, but nothing ever happens. You find out major things about the other person from someone else, and when you ask that person, that’s when you get to know what really happened. You feel like you’re giving everything to preserve the friendship you have and there’s nothing from the other end.

Who feels like that sometimes? How about right now? *raises hand*

Continue reading I'm losing you and it's effortless →

Randomnities

From the top of my head

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I’ve been out all day and I am so tired. I woke up early to hear the mass with my family, then met up with Happy so we could go fetch Tuesday from the airport. Then we went to Tuesday’s house for lunch, and we looked at all the stuff she brought home from her vacation (thank you for the funky notebooks and the Ikea container :D), and hung out at their place all afternoon to laugh at her sleepiness, oooh and ahh with all the random trinkets she brought home as she unpacked her luggage sets and read. On the way home, Happy and I stopped over at Bonifacio High Street to check out the iSkin that Happy is buying for Tuesday. Happy and I then had dinner at Binalot, then went to Krispy Kreme in time for their hot light and bought half a dozen doughnuts each, and then went home. Now I’m home, finished watching CSI:NY’s latest episode and I’m hitting the sack in a few minutes since it’s back to work tomorrow (and again, I’ve said this a million times: I love how I’m not dreading Mondays anymore :D). What a loooong day, and it was fun (though it’s funny how we were all lazy to take photos — so much for documenting these stuff ^^; ), and I love spending it with my girls. :)

Before I finally go to dreamland, let me write a few things from the top of my head which I shall probably write about sometime soon and am writing here because I am simply too tired to write them down on my offline journal:

  • I’m not much of a Krispy Kreme fan because it’s too sweet, too expensive and too far away for me to get some, but when I got the free, freshly baked one earlier, I was…blown away. Yes, I’ve never had a Krispy Kreme doughnut that is hot like that. Heh. Yummeh. =P~ I now have half a dozen of it to share with my family. :)
  • I’ll be taking a day off from work on Tuesday to spend with la familia. I hear we’re going to Tagaytay, which means (late) lunch at Josephine’s, and I’m thinking of sharing some part of the bill if we do eat there. And take lots and lots and lots of photos. :)
  • As much as hanging out with these two girls is always the highlight of my week/month, I can’t help but feel sad about something about someone. I feel like I’m losing a friend. A little effort is all I ask, is that so hard? Hay.
  • It feels weird typing on Aslan with a keyboard protector. Plus it still looks like my keyboard is kind of greasy. I should get a new microfiber cloth and clean Aslan.
  • I read an old friend’s blog a little earlier and it makes me feel sad that there’s a lot of things I don’t know about her anymore. Well, maybe I’m just not updated. She just feels so…faraway. And I miss her. Hmm.
  • Ugly Betty Season 1-2! Yay! Can anyone lend me House, please?
  • If I want to finish 50 books this year, I better finish the two books I’ve started..like soon. And post a progress bar here so you guys can bug me about it.
  • I really should sleep.

Rest well, everyone. :)

Dear Diary

Contentment

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PLUG: Switchfoot in Manila, September 10, 2007, Cuneta Astrodome. Get your tickets here!

Is it possible to be this happy and love my work when it’s not even a month? Is it possible to finally feel content about where I am and actually see a future for myself here? Is it?

Sometimes I’m afraid that this exciting and thrilled feeling I have about my new work will fade into oblivion after a few weeks of being stressed, that eventually I’ll end up wishing that it’s not Monday yet and want to move out…but somehow, I feel like I won’t feel like that. I feel like I’m finally where I really should be after 10 months of being on trial somewhere else. I feel like finally, things are falling into place, in the way that I want it.

And you know what? I think that God’s also happy because I am happy. Did that make sense? I just feel like He’s smiling with me right now, you know? :)

All morning, we were all on relaxed mode because we had no work requests, the afternoon got us working on some new sites. Then a new request came that frustrated me, but still made me laugh even so. :) The day was capped with the dinner at Dencio’s together with the entire team, our Operations Manager, our boss, the HR recruitment people who hired us and our trainor who has been with us all week. Fun night with lots of food, laughter and a round of beers for the guys. And I look forward to work again tomorrow because…well, just because! Is that even possible?

I’m not complaining, of course. :) I’m thankful, because like I said, finally, things seem to be falling into place.

Now how about a love life, Lord? Haha, kidding! In Your time. :)

A little while earlier, I was doing some Friendster hopping when I chanced upon the profile of an old female colleague. Apparently, she had a major update in her life (kinda like what I mentioned in the last line of the previous paragraph), and the people were commenting on it on her profile. What surprised me was, even one of our business partners knew about it…while, I, the officemate and usual lunchmate who she used to talk to a lot about it before, did not even know.

Come to think of it, I think they all still see each other and not tell me. How sad is that for me?

Then again…I have to admit that I had some kind of…um, issues with some of them earlier this year. I don’t know if I was just imagining those issues or if it is true because I never really found out if it is, and we never talked about it. It’s just sad that things have to be this way, or ended this way. I mean, I know I have friendship issues, I just thought I’m past them ever since college. I have this feeling that little issue kind of scarred me a bit, which makes me afraid of connecting with new people in fear of that happening again.

Maybe the entire environment where I used to be just so (pardon me) screwed up that I just don’t thrive there. At all, no matter how hard I try. Even if I lasted for ten whole months there. Maybe, maybe, as much as I learned there and was put into hot water and developed some kind of discipline that I have yet to see, this just proves that I’m not meant to be there for long.

So again, thank You. Because without You, none of this would’ve been possible. :)

Okay, last thing before I go to bed. Hi to my teammates who will be reading this tomorrow. Haha. And advance happy birthday to our youngest team member, you know who you are. :)

Bed time! I need to be at work early because I have a Switchfoot Street Team meeting tomorrow at 6pm, so I need to be out early. You can get your Switchfoot tickets here, by the way. :)

Dear Diary, Thought-Provoking

Never take friendship personal

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Edit (011607, 11:03am): Instead of making a new entry, I’ve decided to just append the second one here. :D Space saver and it’s easier for me to go back. :) I’ll get this entry finished within the day, I promise!

Edit (011607, 7:18pm): Entry finished! :) Oh, and I’d like to warn you that this entry sounds a bit angry, but that’s just me venting. If ever you get offended by whatever I said, please contact me in private. I’d listen to you, but also remember that this is my blog and I am entitled to my own opinions. Thanks. :)

First off, congratulations to my friends Ryan and Arl who are now registered nurses! :) Congratulations to you two! And congrats to all those who passed the nursing board exams too. :)

Tonight, let’s talk about high school for a while. You know how in high school, there’s always this friendship/barkada drama? Like, there’s always some group against one group, one group against one person, one outcast member in the group, one person against one person, backstabbing one another in all its sad glory. Okay, not all high school friendships are like that, but you can’t deny the existence of all these high school drama. I should know, I’ve been part of it.

Most of my high school friendship drama happened during freshmen year, when everyone was trying to fit in. My problem at the start of the school year was that I don’t know who else is in my class. As far as I know, no one I was close with back in Grade 6 was also in the same section as I am in first year high school. Scary, especially when there are a lot of new students who want to fit in too.

Thank God I met some people who were nice, all because we liked to eat hash browns during recess. We eventually formed a group, and one of our favorite past times was to make fun of this other group of girls in class who write letters to each other everyday. As in every single school day.Take note, we are all classmates and we see each other everyday, yet they write to each other! With stationery and such! My friends and I joked that everytime they pass each other letters every morning, a tree gets cut down.

But because we’re such mature people then (yes, that’s sarcasm on mature), my friends and I eventually joined in with them. Weird, huh? But we did. And then they gave their group a name and we did too. We even formalized a membership by voting on the names we want our group to have. And we thought we were teh coolest, yo.

Continue reading Never take friendship personal →

Dear Diary, Thought-Provoking

Of things I love to do and "lost" friendships

Okay, I think I’m done with my share of work for today. I’ve finished one module in our freelance project in Flash a while earlier, and now I’m about to send it to my workmate/former thesismate Micko to do the debugging. This is what happens when your groupmate gets a job and you don’t and you have a pending freelance project with them: you get stuck with putting it together and they get to do the debugging. Then again, debugging is bloodier, so I’m okay with this. :P Haha.

But believe it or not, I’m actually enjoying programming. I know that I sometimes complain about these things and how they make my brain feel like mush, but I actually do like to program. Call me geeky and all, but I like the challenge. :) I just realized that I actually like being able to solve complicated programming problems and finding ways on how to make a long string of code shorter and faster. :-B I guess all the four years being in Computer Science paid off, eh? Now if only I could learn to love Java, I bet I’d be able to work in any company I want. Haha, right. ;)

And speaking of things I love doing, I finished my second NaNoWriMo novel last weekend. :) I don’t know why I forgot to blog about it, but apparently, I did. ^^; The novel’s title is A Page is Turned, which talks about the life of two best friends, Isaac and Rebekah, who are seemingly destined to be with each other — or are they? It’s actually more of a friendship story than a love story, but I really love the twist I put at the ending. :P It’s probably my most creative story yet. It still has to undergo some editing, and I’ll post a preview of it in my Writings page.

I have my next novel in mind already, and I’m having fun imagining the main character her quirks. My genre for this year would be chicklit, much thanks to all Christian chicklit I just finished reading. :) I still have to figure out my character’s main conflict but I have time. I don’t want it to be a typical story, you know, like weight loss and if the character needs to take metabolism booster pills — I want something deeper. I think I’m going to really enjoy writing this one. :) Haha, bring it on, NaNo 2006! Hopefully this time I could get it published at Lulu. :D

Continue reading Of things I love to do and "lost" friendships →