Separation Anxiety

Yahoo! Messenger works wonders, especially if you’re feeling sad and you kind of want everyone in your contact list to notice, even if you pretend you don’t. Hah. My YM status last night was from one of my new favorite artist’s songs, Jon McLaughlin’s Human: Is there any other reason why we stay instead of leaving?

See? Feel the drama! Because of that, I ended up talking to more than 5 people last night. Heh.

People leaving in the workplace isn’t a new thing for me. In my first job, it came to a point where someone says goodbye every single week. It was a serious morale downer, and I have to admit that it’s one of the things that made me entertain the thought of leaving and actually doing so. It was hard, but in a way it was kind of an accepted fact in my last job. Not even better offers inside the company or free wine racks can make them stay. What goes through my mind every time someone leaves is not “Why are they leaving” but “When will it be my turn?” It’s that bad, in my opinion.

Moving into my new job is one of the best things that happened last year, and I know I mentioned it here more than once. Compared to my first one, this place is heaven. My salary isn’t as high as what my other friends in other companies have, and it’s not really hardcore IT, but compared to my old job, this is really so much better. On top of doing the job that I love (web related), I get to meet lots of new people because of my extra-curriculars (I love that I get to do extracurriculars here), and I can see a lot of career possibilities for me. It feels like I’m in school with a huge monthly allowance, which I really like. It’s not perfect, yes, but it’s so much better than in other places. So I guess I am a happy camper here.

Which is probably why it’s kind of hard for me to accept and hear that other people who I’ve met and are getting to know and became friends with are all planning to leave or thinking about leaving or is not satisfied here. I know it’s different for every person, and the environment is not the same in every account (and I’m really lucky to be in my domain and account right now), and other people aren’t fulfilled with what they are doing or are tired with what they are doing, compared to me who feels like it’s just starting.

So yes, I’ve been hearing a lot about people leaving, or planning to leave or thinking about seeking “greener” pastures. And it’s been depressing me. It started with Grace, and then I started hearing of other people and even more people last night. Just last week, I’ve heard of SIX people who are leaving. Talk about shock, especially for the last one I heard of yesterday, even if I sort of knew it was coming. And then I talked to another one who was feeling unsatisfied as well, which depressed me even more.

Why is everyone leaving? Why aren’t they happy anymore? Why am I still happy? Am I just normally optimistic or just plain blind?

It’s just hard when the people who contributed to your being happy where you are decides to leave because they aren’t happy anymore. None of it is your fault, but you feel like you’re in the losing end because they’re leaving. Maybe not you, but leaving the same place you were in. And it’s sad.

I was ranting about it last night to a lot of people in YM, and a good friend started scolding me for wallowing in my depression. He told me I was being selfish, because I am only thinking of them leaving me, and not about how they have become my friends and made me a better person by their presence — even if it is short — in my life. He told me to just make the most out of the time left in the same place as I am, and that even if they’re not physically there, the friendship would still remain.

I’m still feeling the “ouch” from all those. :|

But the thing is…it’s all true. It kind of hurts to hear that from someone else, especially that I know that I already know those things. Whatever happened to that happy side of me, who tells friends who leave the country that “The world is never too small for us not to meet again”? Where is that girl?

I guess I’m just afraid of losing people, especially the ones who’ve started to mean a lot to me. Blame it on my seemingly lack of social skills back in high school, the loss of people to talk to despite the number of people in my phone book, episodes of drifting apart from friends because of inevitable changes, and yes, again, my sucky ability to keep in touch, I’m sort of afraid that once they’ve left, we wouldn’t be friends anymore. Which is just silly, especially since I remember myself writing in one of my journals about someone, that if our friendship is real and true, distance and time wouldn’t matter. Right?

I guess this is all just separation anxiety, and possibly, a new lesson on detachment. And a lesson on humility as I am reminded that this isn’t about me, and I shouldn’t think about only how I would feel about all of this. Things change, people change, but that doesn’t mean our relationships have to disappear. Don’t get me wrong; I am happy for these people who have found new and better opportunities. I just can’t help but feel sad that we won’t be working in the same place anymore.

But, as Grace said in her farewell email, it’s not goodbye. It’s like…see you again. I’d like to believe it’s never goodbye no matter where that person goes — like I said, the world is never too small for us not to see each other again. :)

Yes, now I’m feeling better. :D Haha, it’s not going to be easy, and I know I’ll still feel sad whenever I am confronted with news like this, but I’m going to rest in the fact that with these changes, there’s always something good to come out of it. :) For the meantime, I’ll follow my friend’s advice and make sure I make the most out of these people’s remaining time in the same place as I am.

To everyone I talked to last night and the past days: Thank you. :)

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