On the second night of the 20th SFC International Conference, I had an amazing epiphany that kind of blew me away:
I’m not empty.
One of the talks on the second night of the conference was about Emptiness, and truth be told, I was kind of expecting to be a blubbering mess by then. Or maybe not a blubbering mess, exactly, but I expected that I would shed some tears over the things that will happen on the second night, just like how I was sort of crying during the worship and session on the first night. I used to think the sign of tears is when God talks to me during conferences, so I got myself ready for the second night.
But instead of a cry-fest, I got that. I listened to the talk, took notes and then marveled as that realization dawned on me.
I’m not empty.
Like I said in my previous post, I wasn’t completely okay when I left for Jakarta. I was having another crisis, brought about by a conversation with a friend and some things that I wanted to happen that didn’t happen. No need to give details, but it reduced me to a mess that night. The shock of crying over that was jarring, because I haven’t done that in months. I wasn’t expecting that it would happen either, and the fear that gripped my heart was more of my own doing, my own thinking, my own way of telling myself to listen to what my friend was saying because I needed to hear it.
It sucked, but I needed it.
Like I said, it must be God’s plan that the conversation with my friend happened, because even if the thing I was waiting for to happen happened right before I left, I was a bit…wary. Or perhaps careful is the more proper word. I had things at arm’s length because I felt that my heart needed that space, my heart needed that time to think, that time to mull over the things my friend told me and to seek what God wants to tell me as well. I just praise the God of awesome timings because the Jakarta trip was exactly what I needed, after that emptying that happened right before I left.
Filled to Overflow.
Here’s the thing: when God empties us, I don’t think He leaves us empty for long. In fact, I don’t think He ever leaves us completely empty when we acknowledge this emptiness, this emptying is actually a longing for God. I don’t think He leaves us so empty that we are completely helpless, that we cannot see Him. In fact, I don’t think He ever really empties us of His love — we just have to learn and choose to see it even if we don’t feel it.
So it follows that I am not really completely empty. Even when I was crying out, even when I was scared and confused — I was never really empty. I was being purged in some ways, yes, but I wasn’t left with nothing. I was never left with nothing, because God loves me. And that is already a big something.
I know it hasn’t been long since then, but in the past days, God has been filling me so much that sometimes I feel like I’m so ready to burst, that I’m about to overflow. I wouldn’t have known this if I didn’t go through that “crisis” before I left for Jakarta.
And I am just blown away by the awesomeness of this. I know there will be more to come and it’s far from over, but if the past weeks have taught me anything, it’s that I am assured of God’s love. No matter what.
Isn’t it amazing when you realize (yet again) that God’s way is just so much more better than ours? :)