All by Myself and Happy

Twenty minutes till today ends. I should be sleeping, but I couldn’t let the day end without blogging today, so hello.

And yeah, it’s still Valentine’s Day. Or Chinese New Year, if you’d prefer that.

I’ve always exerted extra effort to be cheerful during Valentine’s Day for the past years, mostly because I’m tired of being bitter. I know I haven’t really got a lot to be bitter about, but when everyone else makes plans with their special someones during the 14th of February, it’s hard to stay happy while I wish for the same thing to happen to me.

I’ve been feeling some kind of angst for the past few days for some reason. I have an idea why, but since this blog is a bit too public, I’d really rather not divulge the reasons. But let me talk about something I learned in the past few days.

I have always tried to convince myself to be happy at the state of my heart, and my love life, or lack thereof. I’ve always tried to be happy about my singlehood, but I know I fail at it a lot. As much as I don’t want to admit it, I find myself wishing that there’s someone who I can always talk to, someone who can be a constant companion and all that. Like every single girl out there, I dream of having a prince charming who will sweep me off my feet and bring me to happily ever after. I feel envious of people who seem to get their own princes so easily, while I always get into “almost there”s and suffer the “what-ifs” and “what-could-have-beens.” It’s frustrating, and when I get hit by those emo spells, it’s hard to get out of the rut. Why can’t I find someone to watch a movie with? Why do I eat alone? Why do I settle for being a third wheel? Sigh. I find myself praying, asking, even begging God to give me the guy now, because I’m lonely and I don’t know if I can wait any longer.

But you know what’s really, really funny? Whenever I try to think about it, as in really think about it, I’m not even ready to settle down. When my friends and I talk about getting married and having kids, I always say, “Ask me again in five years.” I can’t imagine myself saying “forever” just yet, and yet, I am looking for forever, too. How inconsistent can I be?

I guess it just goes to show how much I can be a hypocrite with what I say. Single life rocks? Yeah, right. It’s easier to find a job than to find a good guy in my world.

A couple of weeks ago, I listened to the newest episode of Lifeteen’s Love Life podcast (you should listen to this too, seriously), and they were talking about how to get noticed. One of them said something about being confident, and one thing stuck me the most: “Be okay with being alone by yourself.” Be okay with being alone — that’s something new. How is that supposed to be okay? And I think I already had enough practice of that, so it’s really not new advice, you know? I have that down, pat.

But…how many times have I complained that I wanted a guy who can drive me anywhere when I’m being inconvenienced by commuting. How many times have I complained that I have no movie buddy to watch a movie anytime? How many times have I looked at other people in the mall and wish that I had the same relationship as they have with others? How many times have I envied my friends who have blooming love lives?

Maybe…I’m not really used to me being alone and being okay with me being alone. I just tolerated it, but I never really took the time to appreciate my being alone.

As a Valentine’s Day resolution (yes, I invented this term), I’m going to learn to be okay with being by myself. Having someone is a plus, but I believe it’s not a requirement for me to have fun and enjoy myself. :) I think I need to learn to be my own person before whoever that is comes along.

I leave you with this quote I got from again — there’s a lot of truth in this. :)

…remember that you have a God who is madly in love with you. You have a God who knows you intimately and will never leave you. You have a God whose love makes you someone.

Happy Valentine’s Day, everyone. ♥