day twenty-one.

So, how do I go about today’s entry?

There’s a weird trend that’s going on lately, and it seems different for some people. Someone I know told me that it seems like everyone he knows seems to be having their hair cut, someone else said that he seems to be hearing a lot of people resigning. Another friend told me that everyone around her seems to be pairing up and getting into relationships. Me? Just the opposite: it seems like a lot of my friends seem to be ending their relationships instead. :(

I wish I could say I could empathize, but sadly, I can’t. That’s because I’ve never been in a relationship, so duh, I’ve never been in a break-up. There may be near-break-up experiences…but I can’t really say because like I said, I’ve never been there.

In the past days, I’ve been “counseling” some of these friends, and although I can say that I offer some good advice (Dr. Love, is that you?), I always put the disclaimer after: “This is coming from someone who has limited experience in that area.” Because it’s true.

Don’t get me wrong — I’m not getting impatient. At least, I think I’m not. I still don’t think I’ll be able to settle down anytime soon, and I am still okay with being by myself. I’m in no hurry, really, and there’s no one in the horizon, anyway…but I guess this is one of those times when I admit that I wish there’s someone.

It’s strange how I suddenly got to that feeling. I guess I could blame it on the hormones, or maybe blame it on the sadness of other people that could be contagious. Or I can blame it on myself for thinking too much again when I can be doing other more productive things. Or maybe I could just admit that today, I got hit by a kind of loneliness that only people like me feel — those who have never been in a relationship since birth and constantly wonder how it feels to be loved by someone romantically.

Sigh.

But you know what’s really funny? Whenever I think of it, really think of it,the idea of being in a relationship kind of freaks me out. Maybe because it feels like such a huge thing, because it feels like…I don’t know, a lot of things will change. Other people make it seem so easy, getting into and out of relationships one after the other, with another person suddenly just replacing the last one. Of course, I just glossed over the harder parts of the relationship…but why does the idea of it freak me out? Of course I want to be loved. Of course I want to share my life with someone. But why does it feel so scary, too?

Maybe I’m scared giving my heart to someone who won’t take care of it in the way I expected it. Maybe I’m scared that I won’t be good enough or pretty enough for the other person. Maybe it’s because I’m afraid of giving my time and love to someone who won’t give the same effort back, you know? Maybe that’s why I’d rather keep to myself, why I’d rather laugh about this stuff and gloss over it all and say that I’m happy, I’m okay, that single life rocks.

Maybe it’s because I’m just afraid of getting hurt. With all the sad love stories and broken hearts out there, who wouldn’t be scared?

And friends, I think I just started thinking too much over there.

I remember saying a prayer a few years back, after I got over one serious crush in college: “Lord, please let the next guy that I fall for be The One.” Well, I’ve liked a number of guys after that one and The One is still nowhere in sight. Nothing ever happens. I was always just a friend. Or, there’s always someone else. Most of the time, I just screw things up, and I end up hurt, lonely and bitter. It gets tiring, you know, and I don’t want all those drama. I want the real thing.

I was in a cab on the way home when I got hit by an epiphany (I get them in the weirdest places, I swear). I think it was the time when I was trying to answer a question I posted to myself when something dawned onto me. It was almost like God was talking to me then — and maybe He was, because it seemed like it was an answer to the prayer I said the last time. Maybe the reason why nothing ever happens to the next guys I liked after I said the prayer was because they’re not The One. I know believing in the concept of The One is kind of cliche and maybe even taboo to some, but spare me my idealism here. Maybe that’s why nothing ever happens with them — because he’s not who God is preparing. Maybe because I’m not ready to meet him, maybe it’s because he’s not ready. I don’t know. But I knew then, for sure, that God is answering my prayer, even if He is making me wait a bit longer.

I’m not sure if I made sense there, but it feels nice to let these things out, especially tonight when I felt the need to be emo for a while. I’m okay, I’m okay. Just emotional, but I’m okay. I’m okay, I’m waiting. I can still wait. One day, it will be my turn, and I believe that there’s no need for me to use the term ex when referring to someone. That would be nice, don’t you think?

One day, someday, someone will fight thousands for my love. But for now, I’ll find peace in the fact that if ever that God has willed it for me to head for single blessedness, I know that I’ve got Jesus who will never tire of fighting thousands, even millions, for my love. :)

“Now listen, daughter, don’t miss a word: forget your country, put your home behind you.  Be here—the king is wild for you.”
(Psalm 45:10-11)