Tag Archives: singlehood

Thousands For My Love

day twenty-one.

So, how do I go about today’s entry?

There’s a weird trend that’s going on lately, and it seems different for some people. Someone I know told me that it seems like everyone he knows seems to be having their hair cut, someone else said that he seems to be hearing a lot of people resigning. Another friend told me that everyone around her seems to be pairing up and getting into relationships. Me? Just the opposite: it seems like a lot of my friends seem to be ending their relationships instead. :(

I wish I could say I could empathize, but sadly, I can’t. That’s because I’ve never been in a relationship, so duh, I’ve never been in a break-up. There may be near-break-up experiences…but I can’t really say because like I said, I’ve never been there.

In the past days, I’ve been “counseling” some of these friends, and although I can say that I offer some good advice (Dr. Love, is that you?), I always put the disclaimer after: “This is coming from someone who has limited experience in that area.” Because it’s true.

Don’t get me wrong — I’m not getting impatient. At least, I think I’m not. I still don’t think I’ll be able to settle down anytime soon, and I am still okay with being by myself. I’m in no hurry, really, and there’s no one in the horizon, anyway…but I guess this is one of those times when I admit that I wish there’s someone.

It’s strange how I suddenly got to that feeling. I guess I could blame it on the hormones, or maybe blame it on the sadness of other people that could be contagious. Or I can blame it on myself for thinking too much again when I can be doing other more productive things. Or maybe I could just admit that today, I got hit by a kind of loneliness that only people like me feel — those who have never been in a relationship since birth and constantly wonder how it feels to be loved by someone romantically.


But you know what’s really funny? Whenever I think of it, really think of it,the idea of being in a relationship kind of freaks me out. Maybe because it feels like such a huge thing, because it feels like…I don’t know, a lot of things will change. Other people make it seem so easy, getting into and out of relationships one after the other, with another person suddenly just replacing the last one. Of course, I just glossed over the harder parts of the relationship…but why does the idea of it freak me out? Of course I want to be loved. Of course I want to share my life with someone. But why does it feel so scary, too?

Maybe I’m scared giving my heart to someone who won’t take care of it in the way I expected it. Maybe I’m scared that I won’t be good enough or pretty enough for the other person. Maybe it’s because I’m afraid of giving my time and love to someone who won’t give the same effort back, you know? Maybe that’s why I’d rather keep to myself, why I’d rather laugh about this stuff and gloss over it all and say that I’m happy, I’m okay, that single life rocks.

Maybe it’s because I’m just afraid of getting hurt. With all the sad love stories and broken hearts out there, who wouldn’t be scared?

And friends, I think I just started thinking too much over there.

I remember saying a prayer a few years back, after I got over one serious crush in college: “Lord, please let the next guy that I fall for be The One.” Well, I’ve liked a number of guys after that one and The One is still nowhere in sight. Nothing ever happens. I was always just a friend. Or, there’s always someone else. Most of the time, I just screw things up, and I end up hurt, lonely and bitter. It gets tiring, you know, and I don’t want all those drama. I want the real thing.

I was in a cab on the way home when I got hit by an epiphany (I get them in the weirdest places, I swear). I think it was the time when I was trying to answer a question I posted to myself when something dawned onto me. It was almost like God was talking to me then — and maybe He was, because it seemed like it was an answer to the prayer I said the last time. Maybe the reason why nothing ever happens to the next guys I liked after I said the prayer was because they’re not The One. I know believing in the concept of The One is kind of cliche and maybe even taboo to some, but spare me my idealism here. Maybe that’s why nothing ever happens with them — because he’s not who God is preparing. Maybe because I’m not ready to meet him, maybe it’s because he’s not ready. I don’t know. But I knew then, for sure, that God is answering my prayer, even if He is making me wait a bit longer.

I’m not sure if I made sense there, but it feels nice to let these things out, especially tonight when I felt the need to be emo for a while. I’m okay, I’m okay. Just emotional, but I’m okay. I’m okay, I’m waiting. I can still wait. One day, it will be my turn, and I believe that there’s no need for me to use the term ex when referring to someone. That would be nice, don’t you think?

One day, someday, someone will fight thousands for my love. But for now, I’ll find peace in the fact that if ever that God has willed it for me to head for single blessedness, I know that I’ve got Jesus who will never tire of fighting thousands, even millions, for my love. :)

“Now listen, daughter, don’t miss a word: forget your country, put your home behind you.  Be here—the king is wild for you.”
(Psalm 45:10-11)

All by Myself and Happy

Twenty minutes till today ends. I should be sleeping, but I couldn’t let the day end without blogging today, so hello.

And yeah, it’s still Valentine’s Day. Or Chinese New Year, if you’d prefer that.

I’ve always exerted extra effort to be cheerful during Valentine’s Day for the past years, mostly because I’m tired of being bitter. I know I haven’t really got a lot to be bitter about, but when everyone else makes plans with their special someones during the 14th of February, it’s hard to stay happy while I wish for the same thing to happen to me.

I’ve been feeling some kind of angst for the past few days for some reason. I have an idea why, but since this blog is a bit too public, I’d really rather not divulge the reasons. But let me talk about something I learned in the past few days.

I have always tried to convince myself to be happy at the state of my heart, and my love life, or lack thereof. I’ve always tried to be happy about my singlehood, but I know I fail at it a lot. As much as I don’t want to admit it, I find myself wishing that there’s someone who I can always talk to, someone who can be a constant companion and all that. Like every single girl out there, I dream of having a prince charming who will sweep me off my feet and bring me to happily ever after. I feel envious of people who seem to get their own princes so easily, while I always get into “almost there”s and suffer the “what-ifs” and “what-could-have-beens.” It’s frustrating, and when I get hit by those emo spells, it’s hard to get out of the rut. Why can’t I find someone to watch a movie with? Why do I eat alone? Why do I settle for being a third wheel? Sigh. I find myself praying, asking, even begging God to give me the guy now, because I’m lonely and I don’t know if I can wait any longer.

But you know what’s really, really funny? Whenever I try to think about it, as in really think about it, I’m not even ready to settle down. When my friends and I talk about getting married and having kids, I always say, “Ask me again in five years.” I can’t imagine myself saying “forever” just yet, and yet, I am looking for forever, too. How inconsistent can I be?

I guess it just goes to show how much I can be a hypocrite with what I say. Single life rocks? Yeah, right. It’s easier to find a job than to find a good guy in my world.

A couple of weeks ago, I listened to the newest episode of Lifeteen’s Love Life podcast (you should listen to this too, seriously), and they were talking about how to get noticed. One of them said something about being confident, and one thing stuck me the most: “Be okay with being alone by yourself.” Be okay with being alone — that’s something new. How is that supposed to be okay? And I think I already had enough practice of that, so it’s really not new advice, you know? I have that down, pat.

But…how many times have I complained that I wanted a guy who can drive me anywhere when I’m being inconvenienced by commuting. How many times have I complained that I have no movie buddy to watch a movie anytime? How many times have I looked at other people in the mall and wish that I had the same relationship as they have with others? How many times have I envied my friends who have blooming love lives?

Maybe…I’m not really used to me being alone and being okay with me being alone. I just tolerated it, but I never really took the time to appreciate my being alone.

As a Valentine’s Day resolution (yes, I invented this term), I’m going to learn to be okay with being by myself. Having someone is a plus, but I believe it’s not a requirement for me to have fun and enjoy myself. :) I think I need to learn to be my own person before whoever that is comes along.

I leave you with this quote I got from Lifeteen.com again — there’s a lot of truth in this. :)

…remember that you have a God who is madly in love with you. You have a God who knows you intimately and will never leave you. You have a God whose love makes you someone.

Happy Valentine’s Day, everyone. ♥

Single on Heart's Day

I’m a bit too busy to actually write something for Valentine’s Day right now so I’ll reserve that this weekend. For now, I’ll share with you an article I co-wrote with a couple of friends at work, so here! :D Enjoy reading!

Single on Heart’s Day?

It’s that time of the year again. Love songs play on the radio, flower and chocolate sales are at an all time high, and red is the color of the season.

Yes, friends, it’s time for Valentine’s Day.

Every year, more and more singles dread the month of February, especially when it comes to the middle of the month. Even if the 14th means payday, it also means that everyone who’s got someone is out on a date with their significant others, while singles are at a loss to look for what to do on that night.

It’s time to change that notion. You can have fun on Valentine’s Day, even if you have no significant other. Here are some suggestions for you to enjoy the 14th of February and not be sad or bitter (or both), because yes, it is possible to enjoy the day even without a date.

Continue reading Single on Heart's Day

Proper Motivation

Day 20I’m going to warn you. This post is all about singleness again, so if you’re tired of reading about it, you may skip this entry. :)

Saturday night found me at home after a long day at the Book Fair and my goddaughter’s birthday party. It was another Saturday night that I found myself home early, so I took advantage of it and picked my Bible up to prepare for the Sunday mass and listen to the Sunday Sunday Sunday podcast of Lifeteen.com. I haven’t been very good with praying lately, but I’ve learned to take it a day/week at a time. Last week’s busy-ness made me choose other things over my prayer time so it was kind of a hard week again last week.

But I digress. I found myself asking God to talk to me through the readings, to give me something from the Bible that I could chew on and think of and even be hurt from, because I miss it. Because I was desperate to hear His word after all of the things that I’ve been thinking of/feeling the past few days/weeks.

And what do you know, He really doesn’t disappoint. The second reading brought me to James and these verses jumped out at me:

When you long for something you cannot have, you kill for it, and when you do not get what you desire, you squabble and fight. The fact is, you do not have what you want because you do not pray for it. You pray for something and you do not get it because you pray with the wrong motive of indulging your pleasures. (James 4:2-3)

Reading the verse all over again is making me laugh and smart all at the same time. Let me repeat the particular lines that got me good: The fact is, you do not have what you want because you do not pray for it. You pray for something and you do not get it because you pray with the wrong motive of indulging your pleasures.

Lord, You can be very funny when You answer prayers.

I realize that I’ve been ranting so much about this particular aspect of my lack of a love life. I mean, I am aware of it. And my singleness has always been a running joke, so I’m used to all of it. It’s even become a label, you know — Tina is single. It can be funny, yes, and I can always ride at jokes done at my expense (most of the time, anyway), so it’s okay with me.

Thinking about it now, though, I wonder if all this “Tina is single” jokes and all the times I rode on the jokes of other people about setting me up with other people is making me sound and look desperate. What if it’s actually driving him away, or something? What if what I think and what some other people think is funny is actually unappealing to whoever he is?

So maybe I need to take a step back, you know. Take a good look at my life right now and ask: why am I even ranting about my being single? Why do I want to go into a relationship? Why am I so excited to have someone in my life? Is it because I think I’m ready? Is it because I’m lonely? Is it because I want to get into a relationship for the sake of being in one, because I’m tired of being single? Is it because I’m tired of being a third wheel and spending my weekends alone? Is it because I’m tired of commuting in the rain and I want a boyfriend who can drive me around when it’s hard for me to go around?

Or is it because I want to be able to love someone the way God has loved me?

I have a feeling my answer to the last question is “No”. :(

Am I even ready to love the way I want to be loved? Am I ready to make the necessary sacrifices, to put someone else’s needs before mine? Or do I just want to be in a relationship because I want to feel special, I want to relate to my friends when they talk about surprises and monthly celebrations and all that?

Funny because when I ask those questions, I realize how selfish my motivations are. It’s all me, me, me. I want to be loved! I want to have a boyfriend! I want to have someone! I want to be in a relationship because I want to be happy!

No wonder I’m still where I am.

I’m not saying that my selfishness is the only one thing I need to get rid of and I’ll have an instant romantic relationship. No, no. I have a feeling there’s more, and I honestly have no idea what else God wants to refine in me and for how long He is still going to make me wait…but I get what He wanted to tell me yesterday. I get it. He showed me how selfish my motivations were, and why He’s not giving in to my demands even if I wail and rant and cry. I get it. I’m not sure if I have full understanding of all, but I get what He wanted to say.

And I’m glad He talked to me. Because I really, really missed hearing His voice. My deafness is usually my fault, of course (and it’s something that need to work on again).

I don’t know how long I’ll be waiting still, but I will wait on God. I will not lose hope. Like what they said in the last episode of Extreme Makeover: Home Edition I watched: Love always hopes. I’ll take comfort in my personal experience when I was looking for a new job: it may have been a long and sometimes excruciating wait, but victory was definitely very sweet in the end. :)

So. More patience? You bet. But this time, I’ll be smiling again as I wait. :)


Two Years Later, How's that Heart?

It’s been exactly two years since I wrote this entry, which has been one of my most read/viewed posts to date. I’ve received lots of comments on that entry, all of which are inspiring and touched me at one point or another, from people I know to strangers who just found my entry online (which is on the third position when you search for singlehood in Google :P).

So now, two years later…how am I? More importantly, how’s my heart?

Yes, that’s everyone’s favorite question. :>

But seriously now. Here’s me, two years after the entry:

Continue reading Two Years Later, How's that Heart?

Taking Responsibility

“That’s what the right person does. But they don’t create it. Only the Creator can create…You’ve got to deal with your heart. Because until you can be trusted with your own heart, you can’t be trusted with someone else’s.”
– Savannah Philips, to her best friend Paige Long, Savannah by the Sea, p.300

The past couple of days, a friend and I have been talking about something we have stopped talking about for a while now: our love lives. Or lack thereof. :P Note that we stopped talking about it. Sure, we teased each other about it, but it has been a long time since we talked about it in a serious sense.

Let me give you a background of our little group. Out of the four of us, only one of us is currently in a relationship. One is still not allowed to have a relationship, while two of us are already “legal” but alas, we’re still NBSB (No Boyfriend Since Birth). And there’s still no one in sight who will take that status away.

I’m not complaining about that, really. Ever since I graduated, I more or less decided that I’m not ready for any relationship yet. I feel and know that I still have a lot of growing up to do before I can get into one. Of course, I want whoever that is to be the one I’m going to end up with forever, right? So I know I gotta be prepared for this, mehn. Like know how to cook a complete meal, clean the house from top to bottom, travel, travel, travel and all that.

Continue reading Taking Responsibility