â€œThatâ€™s what the right person does. But they donâ€™t create it. Only the Creator can createâ€¦Youâ€™ve got to deal with your heart. Because until you can be trusted with your own heart, you canâ€™t be trusted with someone elseâ€™s.â€
– Savannah Philips, to her best friend Paige Long, Savannah by the Sea, p.300
The past couple of days, a friend and I have been talking about something we have stopped talking about for a while now: our love lives. Or lack thereof. :P Note that we stopped talking about it. Sure, we teased each other about it, but it has been a long time since we talked about it in a serious sense.
Let me give you a background of our little group. Out of the four of us, only one of us is currently in a relationship. One is still not allowed to have a relationship, while two of us are already “legal” but alas, we’re still NBSB (No Boyfriend Since Birth). And there’s still no one in sight who will take that status away.
I’m not complaining about that, really. Ever since I graduated, I more or less decided that I’m not ready for any relationship yet. I feel and know that I still have a lot of growing up to do before I can get into one. Of course, I want whoever that is to be the one I’m going to end up with forever, right? So I know I gotta be prepared for this, mehn. Like know how to cook a complete meal, clean the house from top to bottom, travel, travel, travel and all that.
So anyway, it’s not that I’m not attracted to people — I’m not a robot. :P But I’m kind of apprehensive about liking someone right now. One of the reasons why I so do not want to have a crush right now is that my crushes tend to hurt. Not that the guy intentionally hurts me, but I tend to overthink and hurt myself in the process. I know I know, rule of thumb is no assumptions, but really, can you help it? Can you really not assume especially if the guy is super duper nice and is a well-bred gentleman, AND is single?
Well, maybe you can but you probably got my point. :P
And then you realize he doesn’t like you back. Or even if you don’t get to that point, but you learn that he’s taken, or that he starts to like someone else and well…that’s a little ache in the heart, right there.
So now you see why I am so apprehensive about having just a little crush. I know it’s not the best way of thinking, and one of the things I immediately do here is to give it up. Like what the song says, “Stop before you start falling.“ (Oooh, the memories of that song) Who wants to get hurt anyway? I immediately surrender it to God, letting Him keep my heart and spare me from getting hurt. But it doesn’t really work that way since I still end up trying to wrestle control from Him, I still get hurt and I am still single. Sometimes it feels like I’m just using God as a scapegoat so I won’t have to deal with the confusion and the heartache.
Yesterday as I walked to work, I remembered the time I took charge of my life with regards to my career. It’s not that I took control from God, really. I just took responsibility over living my life. God’s not going to live my life for me, I am. And I know He takes pleasure in seeing me live this life to the fullest, which brings Him glory. See where allowing myself to take responsibility and dream and take risks got me: I’ve got my dream job in my dream company with the craziest and wackiest teammates and great pay. And I’m happy.
Similarly, maybe it’s time for me to take responsibility over the matters of the heart. It’s not that I would get into one relationship after the other, or start being so flirty to every guy I meet…but basically stopping myself from using God as a scapegoat when I feel like I start to like someone. Maybe it’s time for me to start taking care of my own heart, not just leaving the job up to God alone. Time to get to know my own heart, and all that jazz. Because, as the quote I posted above said, I can’t be trusted with another’s heart until I can be trusted with mine.
Yes, I’m still afraid of getting hurt…but what doesn’t kill me would make me stronger, and as far as I know, no one has ever died of a heart break. And like I mentioned a lot of times before, God is faithful, and I’m pretty sure He won’t give me anything I can’t handle. And taking responsibility doesn’t mean I won’t let Him write my story — He is still the ultimate author, but now, I’ll just be learning from Him too, instead of just leaving Him to do everything.
Did that make sense?
Here’s to taking responsibility. :) This means I will be giving myself permission to enjoy having crushes, and let myself curl into a ball an be kilig…but remember never to assume or expect (God help me out here). And it’s not like whoever I will be crushing on will be THE ONE. I’m definitely not ready to get married yet. I won’t be intentionally looking for someone, but I’m open to introductions. ;) Yeeeees. Charing!
And who knows… :P Hep, I’ll leave it hanging there, I don’t want to add another statement. I want to curl into a ball and giggle like crazy tuloy. :P
Lord, teach me how to get to know and take care of my heart the way You do. â™¥
Something is promised to us and in our time of need we fail to work to get that promise â€“ either we donâ€™t ask for the promise to be delivered, or we sit around and wait for the Lord â€œto provideâ€ without using our God-given talents and resources!
– Victoria L., Didache, 8/14/2007