Tag Archives: love

Dear Diary

Polar Opposites

I’m noticing a pattern in the past few days.

Image from sxc.huLast Monday, I was talking to some friends on chat, and I find out the following:

  • One friend is now happily in a relationship
  • One friend is nursing a broken heart
  • Another friend found out something not so nice about the guy she’s dating

Today, I found out:

  • A friend gave birth to her first baby last weekend
  • A friend’s dad passed away yesterday

Talk about polar opposites. And all during the Christmas season.

Things like this baffle me. Sometimes I wish there was something we can do to stop bad things from happening at this time of the year, because let’s face it: who wants to experience death and broken hearts at this time of the year when people are supposed to celebrate? Can’t it be in any other time of the year?

But who wants to welcome bad things at any other time of the year, though?

And…how can we appreciate the good if it not for the bad?

Life and death. Happiness and sadness. All together in one cycle…does this mean one cannot be there without the other?

Ah well. Thoughts all over the place again. Sometimes I want to contain them all in a metal building, just so they won’t run all over the place in the middle of the work week.

Forgive me for this word vomit. I’ll try to post something more coherent next time.

Dear Diary, Entertaining Angels

Brain Implosion

I watched Inception earlier with some friends earlier, and my reaction after the movie?

My brain just imploded.


Yes, brain implosion is actually possible, thanks to a movie that basically played with minds and dreams. I enjoyed it because it was almost literally mind blowing, except all I wanted to do after the movie was sit and mull over the entire thing. I want to try to make sense of it, but my brain was having a hard time keeping up.

I liked it. I think it was genius writing, and I wonder how Nolan developed his story.

Oh, and I especially liked the idea of the idea in Inception. Ideas are very powerful, and once an idea is planted in someone’s mind, it hardly goes away once it gains roots. Ideas can be good or bad, so sometimes, we have to guard our minds from the wrong ideas, and it’s just like how some of the characters learned how to guard their minds against extraction. In a way, we also have to guard our minds against the wrong ideas, or at least, pray for enough discernment to figure out which is wrong and which is right.

In a way, it’s almost like guarding your heart — you have to know which is right and wrong before they can root into your heart. If it’s right, and if it’s from God, your heart will grow. If not, then it won’t.

Okay, that’s just like me to connect this to heart stuff, right? :P

I think I should get to bed. Rest/last training day tomorrow using the fitness equipment at the gym, then race on Sunday! Happy Saturday, world. :)

Dear Diary, In His Steps

Thousands For My Love

day twenty-one.

So, how do I go about today’s entry?

There’s a weird trend that’s going on lately, and it seems different for some people. Someone I know told me that it seems like everyone he knows seems to be having their hair cut, someone else said that he seems to be hearing a lot of people resigning. Another friend told me that everyone around her seems to be pairing up and getting into relationships. Me? Just the opposite: it seems like a lot of my friends seem to be ending their relationships instead. :(

I wish I could say I could empathize, but sadly, I can’t. That’s because I’ve never been in a relationship, so duh, I’ve never been in a break-up. There may be near-break-up experiences…but I can’t really say because like I said, I’ve never been there.

In the past days, I’ve been “counseling” some of these friends, and although I can say that I offer some good advice (Dr. Love, is that you?), I always put the disclaimer after: “This is coming from someone who has limited experience in that area.” Because it’s true.

Don’t get me wrong — I’m not getting impatient. At least, I think I’m not. I still don’t think I’ll be able to settle down anytime soon, and I am still okay with being by myself. I’m in no hurry, really, and there’s no one in the horizon, anyway…but I guess this is one of those times when I admit that I wish there’s someone.

It’s strange how I suddenly got to that feeling. I guess I could blame it on the hormones, or maybe blame it on the sadness of other people that could be contagious. Or I can blame it on myself for thinking too much again when I can be doing other more productive things. Or maybe I could just admit that today, I got hit by a kind of loneliness that only people like me feel — those who have never been in a relationship since birth and constantly wonder how it feels to be loved by someone romantically.

Sigh.

But you know what’s really funny? Whenever I think of it, really think of it,the idea of being in a relationship kind of freaks me out. Maybe because it feels like such a huge thing, because it feels like…I don’t know, a lot of things will change. Other people make it seem so easy, getting into and out of relationships one after the other, with another person suddenly just replacing the last one. Of course, I just glossed over the harder parts of the relationship…but why does the idea of it freak me out? Of course I want to be loved. Of course I want to share my life with someone. But why does it feel so scary, too?

Maybe I’m scared giving my heart to someone who won’t take care of it in the way I expected it. Maybe I’m scared that I won’t be good enough or pretty enough for the other person. Maybe it’s because I’m afraid of giving my time and love to someone who won’t give the same effort back, you know? Maybe that’s why I’d rather keep to myself, why I’d rather laugh about this stuff and gloss over it all and say that I’m happy, I’m okay, that single life rocks.

Maybe it’s because I’m just afraid of getting hurt. With all the sad love stories and broken hearts out there, who wouldn’t be scared?

And friends, I think I just started thinking too much over there.

I remember saying a prayer a few years back, after I got over one serious crush in college: “Lord, please let the next guy that I fall for be The One.” Well, I’ve liked a number of guys after that one and The One is still nowhere in sight. Nothing ever happens. I was always just a friend. Or, there’s always someone else. Most of the time, I just screw things up, and I end up hurt, lonely and bitter. It gets tiring, you know, and I don’t want all those drama. I want the real thing.

I was in a cab on the way home when I got hit by an epiphany (I get them in the weirdest places, I swear). I think it was the time when I was trying to answer a question I posted to myself when something dawned onto me. It was almost like God was talking to me then — and maybe He was, because it seemed like it was an answer to the prayer I said the last time. Maybe the reason why nothing ever happens to the next guys I liked after I said the prayer was because they’re not The One. I know believing in the concept of The One is kind of cliche and maybe even taboo to some, but spare me my idealism here. Maybe that’s why nothing ever happens with them — because he’s not who God is preparing. Maybe because I’m not ready to meet him, maybe it’s because he’s not ready. I don’t know. But I knew then, for sure, that God is answering my prayer, even if He is making me wait a bit longer.

I’m not sure if I made sense there, but it feels nice to let these things out, especially tonight when I felt the need to be emo for a while. I’m okay, I’m okay. Just emotional, but I’m okay. I’m okay, I’m waiting. I can still wait. One day, it will be my turn, and I believe that there’s no need for me to use the term ex when referring to someone. That would be nice, don’t you think?

One day, someday, someone will fight thousands for my love. But for now, I’ll find peace in the fact that if ever that God has willed it for me to head for single blessedness, I know that I’ve got Jesus who will never tire of fighting thousands, even millions, for my love. :)

“Now listen, daughter, don’t miss a word: forget your country, put your home behind you.  Be here—the king is wild for you.”
(Psalm 45:10-11)

Dear Diary

Wallowing

day nineteen.

I was never the one who goes out on gimmicks during Friday nights or weekends. I’d prefer to watch a movie, stay home and read, work or hang out with good friends over dinner and coffee.

So last Thursday, I sent an impromptu invitation to my friends, and out of all of them, only Pauleen made it to Eastwood. Makes sense, since she’s the only one among us who has a car. Anyway, the night turned out to be girl bonding night, at least until Chris arrived at Eastwood and then we had to go home. And it was a good thing, too, because Pauleen needed to talk, and I needed to talk, and we shed some tears, laughed, talked about life, girly things like acne cleansers,  love and losing love and marveled at God’s grace.

It was a perfect Friday night, in my opinion.

So one of our conversations last night involved…well, being sad. Last Saturday, we (together with other friends) were talking about letting go and moving on and all that, especially from failed relationships. I have no experience in that area, as I’ve never been in a relationship, but I’ve had my share of being in situations of having to let go of something…or someone, even. It’s always hard letting go of something or someone. There’s the what if’s, there’s the uncertainty of not knowing what will happen after. But letting go of things is always necessary, even if it’s hard or heartbreaking. If we never learned how to let go, we will never be able to grow.

In doing these things, it’s inevitable that we get sad or lonely. It’s hard, and it feels like an endless thing, and we don’t know when it will end. People say one day you’ll just wake up and you’ll realize you’re okay…but sometimes it feels like you will never be okay. Sometimes it feels like the only way for you to be happy is to hold on tightly…but what if that is no longer an option?

I’m sure it’s different for people, but one thing I learned last year that helped me a lot when I went through this bout of loneliness was to wallow. I used to hate wallowing because I thought it was pathetic. Plus, I thought I did not have the right to wallow because nothing happened anyway, I was just sad because of what I did, and what did not happen. It’s not like someone broke up with me — other people have more right to grieve and be sad.

I think I was reading Eat, Pray, Love then, and there was this part that hit me:

“When I get lonely these days, I think: So be lonely, Liz. Learn your way around loneliness. Make a map of it. Sit with it, for once in your life. Welcome to the human experience.

In short, wallowing. We need to wallow.

I don’t know if it applies to all people, but I knew that wallowing really helped me. It helped me get in touch with my emotions, which I realize is essential if you want to move on. I allowed myself all kinds of indulgences, all kinds of music, all kinds of food for that wallow period, and once I was done, I picked myself up and tried to move on. When something happens, I allow myself to wallow again and then move on. Before I knew it, my heart had healed, and I had moved on.

I know I make it sound easy, and I know it’s not. It’s hard, but it’s doable. So if you’re going through something difficult, if your heart is broken, allow yourself to wallow. Allow yourself to feel your sadness. Cry. Listen to sad songs, rant to friends, watch movies you can relate to, rant to friends…be sad. Feel it, because when you feel it, you eventually get tired of it. Seriously. I allowed myself a one week wallowing period, and by the third day, I was tired of wallowing.

After wallowing, pick yourself up and move on. If you fall, if something happens unexpectedly, allow yourself a short term wallowing, then pick yourself up and go on with life again. Along the way, forgive yourself, forgive the other person. Hang out with friends and family. Do other things. Pray. One day, you will just wake up, or you cross paths with the other person and you’ll realize…you’re really and truly okay. :)

It’s not easy, but in time, you’ll be okay. :)

If anyone needs a wallow partner, I just found out that I’m extremely good at it. :P

Big, Fun and Scary Things, In His Steps

Proper Motivation

Day 20I’m going to warn you. This post is all about singleness again, so if you’re tired of reading about it, you may skip this entry. :)

Saturday night found me at home after a long day at the Book Fair and my goddaughter’s birthday party. It was another Saturday night that I found myself home early, so I took advantage of it and picked my Bible up to prepare for the Sunday mass and listen to the Sunday Sunday Sunday podcast of Lifeteen.com. I haven’t been very good with praying lately, but I’ve learned to take it a day/week at a time. Last week’s busy-ness made me choose other things over my prayer time so it was kind of a hard week again last week.

But I digress. I found myself asking God to talk to me through the readings, to give me something from the Bible that I could chew on and think of and even be hurt from, because I miss it. Because I was desperate to hear His word after all of the things that I’ve been thinking of/feeling the past few days/weeks.

And what do you know, He really doesn’t disappoint. The second reading brought me to James and these verses jumped out at me:

When you long for something you cannot have, you kill for it, and when you do not get what you desire, you squabble and fight. The fact is, you do not have what you want because you do not pray for it. You pray for something and you do not get it because you pray with the wrong motive of indulging your pleasures. (James 4:2-3)

Reading the verse all over again is making me laugh and smart all at the same time. Let me repeat the particular lines that got me good: The fact is, you do not have what you want because you do not pray for it. You pray for something and you do not get it because you pray with the wrong motive of indulging your pleasures.

Lord, You can be very funny when You answer prayers.

I realize that I’ve been ranting so much about this particular aspect of my lack of a love life. I mean, I am aware of it. And my singleness has always been a running joke, so I’m used to all of it. It’s even become a label, you know — Tina is single. It can be funny, yes, and I can always ride at jokes done at my expense (most of the time, anyway), so it’s okay with me.

Thinking about it now, though, I wonder if all this “Tina is single” jokes and all the times I rode on the jokes of other people about setting me up with other people is making me sound and look desperate. What if it’s actually driving him away, or something? What if what I think and what some other people think is funny is actually unappealing to whoever he is?

So maybe I need to take a step back, you know. Take a good look at my life right now and ask: why am I even ranting about my being single? Why do I want to go into a relationship? Why am I so excited to have someone in my life? Is it because I think I’m ready? Is it because I’m lonely? Is it because I want to get into a relationship for the sake of being in one, because I’m tired of being single? Is it because I’m tired of being a third wheel and spending my weekends alone? Is it because I’m tired of commuting in the rain and I want a boyfriend who can drive me around when it’s hard for me to go around?

Or is it because I want to be able to love someone the way God has loved me?

I have a feeling my answer to the last question is “No”. :(

Am I even ready to love the way I want to be loved? Am I ready to make the necessary sacrifices, to put someone else’s needs before mine? Or do I just want to be in a relationship because I want to feel special, I want to relate to my friends when they talk about surprises and monthly celebrations and all that?

Funny because when I ask those questions, I realize how selfish my motivations are. It’s all me, me, me. I want to be loved! I want to have a boyfriend! I want to have someone! I want to be in a relationship because I want to be happy!

No wonder I’m still where I am.

I’m not saying that my selfishness is the only one thing I need to get rid of and I’ll have an instant romantic relationship. No, no. I have a feeling there’s more, and I honestly have no idea what else God wants to refine in me and for how long He is still going to make me wait…but I get what He wanted to tell me yesterday. I get it. He showed me how selfish my motivations were, and why He’s not giving in to my demands even if I wail and rant and cry. I get it. I’m not sure if I have full understanding of all, but I get what He wanted to say.

And I’m glad He talked to me. Because I really, really missed hearing His voice. My deafness is usually my fault, of course (and it’s something that need to work on again).

I don’t know how long I’ll be waiting still, but I will wait on God. I will not lose hope. Like what they said in the last episode of Extreme Makeover: Home Edition I watched: Love always hopes. I’ll take comfort in my personal experience when I was looking for a new job: it may have been a long and sometimes excruciating wait, but victory was definitely very sweet in the end. :)

So. More patience? You bet. But this time, I’ll be smiling again as I wait. :)

20/30.

Big, Fun and Scary Things, Dear Diary, In His Steps

Praying for Patience

Day 7Okay, after yesterday’s very emotional entry…I think I’m better now. Nothing that Strawberry Oreos can’t fix. Or not.

I’ve got half the mind to post about comfort food…but that will just make me hungry, so let’s skip that.

I know. I’ll post more about what really transpired yesterday. In a more positive note this time.

Early this morning, I prayed again. It’s not that I don’t pray at all…I just don’t pray as much as I used to and need to and want to. I’m not proud to admit that, but I admit it because it’s better to admit that I struggle rather than pretend everything is fine, right?

So this morning I prayed again, and I prayed for my heart. It’s not that I don’t pray for my heart either…it just somehow gets pushed to the end of the “Things I Pray For” list. Maybe it’s just because I was brought up to not prioritize my love life first, but focus on the “more important” things: school, career, family, other things. I have never spoken it out loud, but I’ve always found the topic of love life to be some sort of a taboo: it’s something that I really shouldn’t talk about, or focus on too much, or else other people will think that I’m (a) bitter or (b) desperate. Or both.

But of course, I can’t stop talking about it. It’s like a drug, or at least, very hot gossip: whenever someone asks me how I am, the first thing that pops into my mind is the state of my love life. Or lack thereof.

And that’s the thing: there’s nothing happening. Nothing of substance, everything is damn circumstantial, that I’m not even supposed to talk about it. Or, talking about it really just intensifies whatever infatuation there is, and then everything blows over and I’m left with crushed expectations. Then again, crushes are crushing, so I shouldn’t expect more, right?

What’s very frustrating with this fact is when it seems like everyone else around me is in their own happy relationship worlds. I don’t resent them for that, really, and I am also happy for them, but it doesn’t change the fact that it sucks to be the third, fourth, fifth wheel. It doesn’t change the fact that at one point during the day, they will all choose to be with their significant others rather than with me. I don’t blame them for that, and honestly, I think I’d probably do the same. But it doesn’t change the fact that it sucks for the single people.

Where was I? Oh yeah.

Thing is, I prayed for my heart for the first time in I don’t know, months? I asked for forgiveness for allowing myself to succumb to bitterness and envy with other people’s relationships. I asked for the courage and strength to be patient. I asked for the grace to be contented with what I have, and to trust in God’s timing. Because, really, what else can I do?

The word patience suddenly takes on a whole new meaning. I mean, back in college I used to pray for patience too, but I never really understood it as well as I do now. Back then I used to pray for patience because I wanted to be in a relationship even if I’m not supposed to be in one yet (not like there was anyone who was interested in that way, anyway harhar). Now that I am “legal”, I need to pray for patience once again because…well, like I said, I see no sign of anyone interested in the horizon. Y’know?

Trying not to be anymore.
Trying not to be anymore.

Depressing? Sometimes it is, especially when I happen to think about that while it’s raining cats and dogs and/or when it’s almost the time of the month. But I could choose to wallow in it (which I did yesterday), or I could choose to think positively, and surrender my loneliness to God who can satisfy me more than anyone else can, and can do more with what I have than I can ever do.

If someone prays for patience, you think God gives them patience? Or does he give them the opportunity to be patient? (Evan Almighty)

7/30.

Big, Fun and Scary Things, Dear Diary, In His Steps

The Sacrament of Waiting

Day 6So I was really intending to write something about bitterness, about how hard it is to wait for whoever it is who will sweep me off my feet. This is one of days when I’m tired of all my “Single Life Rocks!” mantra, when all that I have learned from the past years does nothing to comfort me. I’m just tired of waiting, of having to come second place when it comes to priorities, tired of being the third wheel, tired of guessing how it feels to be in a romantic relationship. Just. Tired.

Okay, that paragraph above is brought to you by my hormones and the rain. Bad combination, I tell you.

*deep breath*

Don't we all. :(
Don't we all. :(

There are a lot of people who tell me that I’m lucky to be single because I won’t be having heartaches, that I shouldn’t look, that whoever he is will come in time, that I’m not ready, that I should pray more, that patience is a virtue, that I shouldn’t worry about things like this but instead make myself better in other ways, yadda yadda yadda blah blah blah…but right now I have one word: phooey. Not working! No comfort, especially when all I can think about is “Poor me.”

And it doesn’t help that Maalaala Mo Kaya‘s episode last night is all about an NBSB.

*another deep breath*

Okay, enough bitterness (I actually have a post draft here titled The Bitterness Factor, hahaha!). I will still try to make this post positive, if only to still try and comfort myself. So let me repost this article that a colleague posted in Multiply, all about waiting. I’d really like to believe in this one…and honestly I think I know I believe in this one. Right now I’m just kind of having a hard time finding comfort in it. But I believe in it. You don’t always have to find comfort in that, right?

Like I said. Rain + hormones = not a good combination.

So, enjoy the article below. Emphasis mine, by the way. I’ll be back with a hopefully more cheerful post tomorrow. :)

Continue reading The Sacrament of Waiting →

Dear Diary

Bitter, Bitter

Aaaand it’s Valentine’s Week. I couldn’t let this week pass up without making somewhat of a Valentine’s post. So I take a pause on book, music and Phentermine reviews to write something just for this day. ;)

One of the questions in Dave Barnes’ website talked about bitterness during Valentine’s Day. Specifically, What do bitter people do on Valentine’s Day?

Ah, let me count the ways. :>

Haha, okay, seriously now. It’s no secret that I’m still single, and it doesn’t help that Valentine’s Day is so commercialized that it tends to amplify the fact that yes, I am single, and change in that status can hardly be seen over the horizon.

Ah bitterness. Curse whoever thought Valentine’s Day should be celebrated with flowers to their loved ones. Worry over the fact that all your friends who are in a relationship would be going out on dates on the 14th and lament over the fact that you are not one of them. Wonder if the guy/girl you like would respond to any “moves” for that day. Eat tons of chocolates (that you bought for yourself), watch sappy chick flicks and romantic comedies and laugh, but inside wonder when those things will ever happen to you. Wear black on the 14th and stock up on anti-Valentine’s day quotes. Or even start Valentine’s day groups, like MAMS: Mabuhay ang mga Single or something similar.

Ah bitterness. Just like coffee with no sugar. :P

So yes, I did succumb to bitterness. Still do, more often than not. I remember back in college, we used to wear black during Valentine’s Day. It wasn’t until I got back to YFC and told myself there’s no reason to be bitter on that day that I actually stopped being bitter over it. Well, a little.

I don’t know if it’s because of my upbringing in YFC or because of all the books about singlehood I’ve read, but I realized that bitterness over Valentine’s Day is just a state of mind. It’s something you choose to be or to be not whenever February rolls around. Just as how someone chooses to wear red like the rest of the world does on the 14th instead of wearing black to make a statement. It’s appreciating the idea — no matter how selfish it seems — that you won’t be spending so much for anyone or you won’t be stuck with the crowds all over the Metro on the 14th to go on a date.

Really, there’s no reason to be bitter. No matter how dismal or how single you are on V-Day (take it from me, haha), in the end the 14th is really just a day. And don’t tell me it’s love day, because love day can be everyday, not just February. :P

Right?

So this 14th of February, I’ll have fun. I don’t know what I’ll do yet, but I’ll definitely do my best to enjoy the day, no matter how very single I am. :P Really, it’s more worth it. :)

In His Steps

Perfect Love

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One of my favorite verses about love is on today’s first reading:

There is no fear in love. Perfect love drives out fear, for fear has to do with punishment; those who fear do not know perfect love. (1 John 4:18)

Sometimes, when I think of love (especially the romantic one) objectively (which is how I think of it, more often than not, heh), it’s very easy to see it all in a straight line — I’d do this, I’d do that, I won’t do that he did and I will never do what she it. You know, like linear motion. But when I hear and read stories from other people about love, I realize yet again that it’s not always black and white. If anything, it’s full of gray areas. Crossroads. Both roads seem the right thing to do, but which is really the most loving thing?

You know how people often wonder how you’d know if you love another person? Well, I think that verse up there is really the answer. I remember back in college, when we would have these kinds of discussion, we’d often bring up what St. Paul said to the Corinthians:

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. (1 Corinthians 13:4-7)

We’d often say that when you can replace all instances of “love” there with your name (unless of course, your name is Love), that’s, well, love. But that verse only describes what love is and love makes us do, which I know once a person loves someone, they’re really willing to do all these, no matter how difficult it is. But how about when you’re not sure if you love the person already?

I think I may be going in circles there but hear me out a bit. How would you know if it is love? Maybe when you don’t feel any fear, just as what the verse states. Maybe it’s when you think of the future with that person and although it’s very uncertain, you feel secure, knowing that you’ll have someone. When you think about jumping and making a risk, you feel afraid but you still do it anyway, knowing everything will be all right in the end. Maybe it’s when you’re secure with yourself and in the person, knowing that no matter what happens, no matter how you look, no matter how chaotic everything else around is, even if the world is ending, the person will still be there, loving you.

It’s a tall order. And more often than not, people fail. But that’s why we just have to keep on trying, right?

Bringing it closer to home and in a non-romantic way, perfect love is there when:

  • a mother calls to console their scared daughter about her upcoming thesis defense, and tell her that it will be okay no matter what the outcome is.
  • a father tells his tired and worn out sophomore teen that they will finish the project on time, even if he is very tired himself.
  • a brother takes the time to cook for his sick sister and make her drink her medicines even if she feels like she’s getting worse.
  • a brother goes out of his way to meet his sister at a mall and bring her laptop to the service center to have the adapter fixed, and then drop his sister off to the dorm on commute just to make sure she gets back safe.
  • friends listen to another friend who finally takes a step away from a destructive habit and promises no judgment.

Perfect love drives out fear. And God is love. Ergo, God drives out fear. :) Comforting, isn’t it?

Wherever you are, whatever you are going through right now, may you find peace in God’s love. :)

Quotable Quote

On Broken Hearts and Soulmates

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After the disappointing read that is also known as Breaking Dawn (sorry, I still can’t help but kind of mourn over that book, as what Toni also did), I’m back to reading Eat Pray Love by Elizabeth Gilbert, which is quickly becoming one of my favorite books. :) I can’t wait to read the rest of it but I’m taking it slow since it’s not for fast reading — this book is meant to be read slowly, page by page, just as how Elizabeth Gilbert enjoyed her food in Italy.

I posted this particular passage over at my other blogs and I thought I’d post it here too since it’s really, really insightful and interesting. This is also the passage I read from a friend’s Livejournal which made me want to buy the book. :D

“What’s got you all wadded up?” he drawls, toothpick in mouth, as usual.

“Don’t ask,” I say, but then I start talking and tell him every bit of it, concluding with, “And worst of all, I can’t stop obsessing over David. I thought I was over him, but it’s all coming up again.”

He says, “Give it another six months, you’ll feel better.”

“I’ve already given it twelve months, Richard.”

“Then give it six more. Just keep throwin’ six months at it till it goes away. Stuff like this takes time.”

I exhale hotly through my nose, bull-like.

“Groceries,” Richard says, “listen to me. Someday you’re gonna look back on this moment of your life as such a sweet time of grieving. You’ll see that you were in mourning and your heart was broken, but your life was changing and you were in the best possible place in the world for it — in a beautiful place of worship, surrounded by grace. Take this time, every minute of it. Let things work themselves out here in India.”

“But I really loved him.”

“Big deal. So you fell in love with someone. Don’t you see what happened? The guy touched a place in your heart deeper than you thought you were capable of reaching. I mean you got zapped, kiddo. But that love you felt, that’s just the beginning. You just got a taste of love. That’s just limited little rinky-dink mortal love. Wait till you see how much more deeply you can love than that. Heck, Groceries — you have the capacity to someday love the whole world. It’s your destiny. Don’t laugh.”

“I’m not laughing.” I was actually crying. “And please don’t laugh at me now, but I think the reason it’s so hard for me to get over this guy is because I seriously believed David was my soul mate.”

“He probably was. Your problem is you don’t understand what that word means. People think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that’s what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that’s holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life. A true soul mate is probably the most important person you’ll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. But to live with a soul mate forever? Nah. Too painful. Soul mates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then they leave. And thank God for it. Your problem is, you just can’t let this one go. It’s over, Groceries. David’s purpose was to shake you up, drive you out of that marriage that you needed to leave, tear apart your ego a little bit, show you your obstacles and addictions, break your heart open so new light could get in, make you desperate and out of control that you had to transform your life , then introduce you to your spiritual master and beat it. That was his job, and he did great, but now it’s over. Problem is, you can’t accept that this relationship had a real short shelf life. You’re like a dog at the dump, baby — you’re just lickin’ at an empty tin can, trying to get more nutrition out of it. And if you’re not careful, that can’s gonna get stuck on your snout forever and make your life miserable. So drop it.”

“But I love him.”

“So love him.”

“But I miss him.”

“So miss him. Send him some love and light every time you think about him, and then drop it. You’re afraid to let go of the last bits of David because then you’ll really be alone, and Liz Gilbert is scared to eath of what will happen if she’s really alone. But here’s what you gotta understand, Groceries. If you clear out all that space in your mind that you’re using right now to obsess about this guy, you’ll have a vacuum there, an open spot — a doorway. And guess what the universe will do with that doorway? It will rush in — God will rush in — and fill you with more love than you ever dreamed. So stop using David to block that door. Let it go.“

– Eat, Pray, Love: A Woman’s Search for Everything Across Italy, India and Indonesia by Elizabeth Gilbert, pp. 197-199

Beautiful, isn’t it? I’ve already dog-eared a lot of pages in this book because of all the quotable quotes I found, which I will copy in my journal for easier recall. :D Yeahba.

Anyway, it’s another Monday and I’ve already got two meetings lined up for today, a card design to finish and a cash advance that I really need to process. Busy, busy day, no time for any other things like reading or PS3. By God’s grace, I’ll go through this day with flying colors. :)

Happy Monday everyone!