So I’ve been trying to wrap my mind around today, at this loss for words that rarely happens. I’ve been trying to prepare myself to write another Valentine’s Day entry reminiscent of last year’s (which is a favorite among many), but…there’s nothing. For the first time in the longest time, I don’t know what to write today.
I was whining about this to my best friend yesterday and she said, “Then don’t write anything.” But it’s like…I can’t. Especially now that I’m trying to embrace my inner romantic, so much that I’m trying to write a romance novel(la) this year and moderating a romantic short story/book discussion in our book club. I’m trying not to fear being vulnerable and I’m trying to love fiercely and freely, because that’s what brave hearts do, right?
But…nada. I can’t think of anything.
Or maybe I just feel that I’ve written about love (what I know of it, anyway) so many times here that I feel like whatever I write now is redundant. But is it? I mean, will we ever run out of words to use when talking about love?
It was Ash Wednesday yesterday, and I find it interesting that it preceded Valentine’s Day. I’m fasting from Twitter and Facebook because I feel that they’ve been distracting me so much lately, and I want this Lent to mean something because I have several intentions that I’m praying for right now. So it’s Day 2 of the fast, and if you want me to be perfectly honest: it’s kind of driving me nuts. I was so used to opening Twitter and Facebook from the moment I wake up, to have my phone in my hand checking the two apps almost all the time. Now that I’ve hidden those apps from my phone, I find myself having a lot of free time. Which just tells me that I am spending too much time on them.
But the thing that is kind of driving me really crazy is how I feel like I don’t have a platform to blurt out my thoughts. Oh sure, I fasted from Twitter last year and got by just fine, but it was because I had Facebook. This year, I don’t have any, and suddenly I find myself with so many thoughts that I want to tweet. So many songs that I want “sing” out loud.
I think the thing that’s really getting to me now is how I don’t have that instant distraction whenever I feel like panicky about something. I mean, whenever I feel like I’m on crisis mode, the best distraction is to look through my Twitter feed and find anything to talk about or to talk to (as much as you can have conversations on Twitter, anyway). Or, I’ll tweet something cryptic and wait for someone to take the bait and I’ll get distracted again. I never really face the panic moments head on because whenever I do, I end up being a blubbering mess (This happened last week. Blubber blubber pathetic mode).
And now, there’s silence. I feel disconnected, but not in a bad way. I feel connected, but more to myself, and this is good on good days. But on bad days, it feels like everything is also amplified. I know, I know — I speak like I’ve been on the fast for a long time. But I have felt the good and the slightly bad day already, and it’s hard to resist the urge to open one of them and say something, to blurt it out online. I find myself scrambling for peace, trying so hard to surrender without my social media crutch. For someone who’s been so used to Twitter and Facebook, this is especially hard.
So what’s my point? The point is…well, maybe I really don’t have much to write about love today, on Valentine’s Day, because maybe I’m not supposed to write about it just yet. I mean, whatever lesson I have, whatever realization I have about love in the past months since I wrote about deserving to be wooed — they’re inside, I know it. But I can’t find the words to write about it because I’m not there yet. I’m not at the point where I have figured things out.
I feel like…God’s making me sit still. To be truly connected with my heart, to feel the things that I need to feel and to face them bravely, without needing a platform to broadcast my favorite hash tags about my year of being brave. Enter the silence, and hear what He has to say. Because bravery doesn’t always roar, doesn’t always shout. Sometimes, courage is silent. It is choosing to be silent, so I can face the depths of my heart, to find the peace and the love that I wanted, that I was looking for, is just inside.
My prayer earlier today was for God to surprise me. Of course, I had an idea of what surprise I wanted, but I tried not to think about it because I know those were just my expectations. To be brutally honest, I was having a mini-crisis earlier, partly about my lack of ideas to write here, and partly because of…something shallow. I wasn’t really okay, and I was starting to feel pathetic, that tears actually filled my eyes (!!!). While I was trying to compose myself, I realized that I need not be afraid of being in that kind of crisis. If anything, this is a moment where I know I would find God the most.
And I did.
So maybe it wasn’t the surprise that I was expecting.
But it was the one I needed.
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I apologize if this isn’t as much as what I wrote this year. I think I may be the only one who can relate to this! But anyway, before this day finally ends… Happy Valentine’s Day, my friends. Never ever forget this: You are loved. ♥