I think I’ve mentioned this before sometime and somewhere: I’m not a person who gets mad easily. My roommates even wondered that about me back in college, how whatever they do, whatever they say, I keep on saying that everything’s okay, that they don’t have to worry about it and I’m not offended. It’s not that I don’t get annoyed, I just don’t get annoyed easily, and when I do, I don’t get annoyed for too long.
I also thought I wasn’t a person who carried grudges. I mean, how could one person who doesn’t get mad too easy even carry one, anyway?
But lately, I’ve learned that I actually do carry grudges. A bit.
I’m not confrontational, so usually when I’m pissed off, I let it pass and then it’s gone. But I never really tell the person if I get offended. It’s something I should work on, I know, because no one is a mind reader and I can’t blame them if they don’t know what they did to offend me, right?
Anyway, during my 23rd birthday, a person that really mattered to me didn’t greet me. And…well, it hurt. I know it feels kind of shallow to be annoyed at something like this, but birthdays are a big deal for me and when it’s that person’s birthday I try to make sure that I can greet that person, you know? How hard would that kind of greeting be? I wasn’t expecting a surprise; a simple text would have sufficed.
I was trying to give more time for that person to greet me, even if it ended up being days and weeks after. I’d settle for even an “OH MY GOSH I can’t believe I forgot about it I’m so sorry happy birthday!” type of greeting.
But it never came.
And then I started thinking, “Does this person even care?”
And then I started wondering when was the last time we even saw each other.
What was the last thing I knew about this person?
When was the last time I was able to talk to this person and tell him/her about whatever is bothering me?
When was the last time he/she exerted an effort to meet me halfway?
And I realized how much I’ve been putting my life on hold at times just so we can catch up. How much I have been calling this person a certain title that maybe he/she doesn’t really deserve.
And then I started feeling really, really hurt, to the point that I wanted to text the person and confront him/her about it and how lousy of a friend he/she is.
You know that feeling, when you just wanted to give up? And I couldn’t talk to anyone about it because it’s been going on for a while, and I knew I shouldn’t have expected anything more, that I should have learned from how it was in the past. I had this strong feeling that I should move on, that that person doesn’t deserve the way I value him/her, and I deserve more.
It’s just fair, isn’t it?
I was brewing with all of these thoughts up until Wednesday. Interestingly, I had changed my Yahoo! Messenger status to something related to that (But now I feel like I don’t know you — don’t you just love Paramore? :P), and I actually got a couple of replies, including that person in question.
But I wasn’t appeased. I was more annoyed, actually.
I was more annoyed at myself because I couldn’t bring myself to say anything about what I feel.
And then I went to the chapel for First Wednesday Mass.
I got to the chapel late, so when I got in it was already time for the homily. I was pleased to see that it was the priest I know from the other chapel (ever since I went on midshift I started hearing mass in this other chapel), and I missed hearing his homilies so I listened. The readings for the day were kind of hard to digest, so it was kind of hard to really get into it, until he finally said something that hit me like a brick.
Be faithful to one another.
Incidentally, I was listening to Jennifer Knapp’s Faithful to Me earlier that day, so that line kind of struck a nerve. Fr. Odon repeated the line: Be faithful to one another. Faithfulness goes a long way.
And then I almost broke down crying in the chapel.
Okay I may have exaggerated, but I did want to cry.
It hit me then…what right do I have to demand to be treated that way? To be remembered on that day? I know it’s my birthday and it’s a big deal, yes, but why do I demand such treatment? And why am I threatening to turn away from this person after I have been forgotten? What right do I have?
What right do I have to turn away, to give up, especially when Someone who I’ve been hurting and forgetting a lot has never turned His back on me? What right do I have to demand so much attention when I couldn’t even give the same kind of attention to The One who really deserves it all? What right do I have to get angry when Jesus never gets angry at me for forgetting Him?
Tell me, what right do I have? What right do we have?
No matter how much I turn away, no matter how much I forget, He has never failed to be faithful. It blows me away when I really think about it, how He has never turned away from me, from any of us. And I know for a fact that if there was anyone who didn’t deserve having someone so faithful, it’s me, being the sinner that I am.
But I’m just glad He is. Faithful. In every way possible.
I know I may have every reason to be mad, to cut of all ties from that person, and I know all of these feels martyr-like…but in the bigger picture, I deserve the same thing. But He didn’t cut me out of His life, His love.
So how could I not be faithful to others when He has always been faithful?[audio:http://www.refineme.org/wp-content/uploads/2009/04/12-faithful-to-me-reprise.mp3]
Through another day, another trial, another chance to reconcile
To one who sees past all I see.
And reaching out my weary hand I pray that you’d understand
You’re the only one who’s faithful to me.
You’re the only one who’s faithful to me.
– Faithful to Me (Reprise) by Jennifer Knapp