Category Archives: Big, Fun and Scary Things

Big, Fun and Scary Things, In His Steps

Proper Motivation

Day 20I’m going to warn you. This post is all about singleness again, so if you’re tired of reading about it, you may skip this entry. :)

Saturday night found me at home after a long day at the Book Fair and my goddaughter’s birthday party. It was another Saturday night that I found myself home early, so I took advantage of it and picked my Bible up to prepare for the Sunday mass and listen to the Sunday Sunday Sunday podcast of Lifeteen.com. I haven’t been very good with praying lately, but I’ve learned to take it a day/week at a time. Last week’s busy-ness made me choose other things over my prayer time so it was kind of a hard week again last week.

But I digress. I found myself asking God to talk to me through the readings, to give me something from the Bible that I could chew on and think of and even be hurt from, because I miss it. Because I was desperate to hear His word after all of the things that I’ve been thinking of/feeling the past few days/weeks.

And what do you know, He really doesn’t disappoint. The second reading brought me to James and these verses jumped out at me:

When you long for something you cannot have, you kill for it, and when you do not get what you desire, you squabble and fight. The fact is, you do not have what you want because you do not pray for it. You pray for something and you do not get it because you pray with the wrong motive of indulging your pleasures. (James 4:2-3)

Reading the verse all over again is making me laugh and smart all at the same time. Let me repeat the particular lines that got me good: The fact is, you do not have what you want because you do not pray for it. You pray for something and you do not get it because you pray with the wrong motive of indulging your pleasures.

Lord, You can be very funny when You answer prayers.

I realize that I’ve been ranting so much about this particular aspect of my lack of a love life. I mean, I am aware of it. And my singleness has always been a running joke, so I’m used to all of it. It’s even become a label, you know — Tina is single. It can be funny, yes, and I can always ride at jokes done at my expense (most of the time, anyway), so it’s okay with me.

Thinking about it now, though, I wonder if all this “Tina is single” jokes and all the times I rode on the jokes of other people about setting me up with other people is making me sound and look desperate. What if it’s actually driving him away, or something? What if what I think and what some other people think is funny is actually unappealing to whoever he is?

So maybe I need to take a step back, you know. Take a good look at my life right now and ask: why am I even ranting about my being single? Why do I want to go into a relationship? Why am I so excited to have someone in my life? Is it because I think I’m ready? Is it because I’m lonely? Is it because I want to get into a relationship for the sake of being in one, because I’m tired of being single? Is it because I’m tired of being a third wheel and spending my weekends alone? Is it because I’m tired of commuting in the rain and I want a boyfriend who can drive me around when it’s hard for me to go around?

Or is it because I want to be able to love someone the way God has loved me?

I have a feeling my answer to the last question is “No”. :(

Am I even ready to love the way I want to be loved? Am I ready to make the necessary sacrifices, to put someone else’s needs before mine? Or do I just want to be in a relationship because I want to feel special, I want to relate to my friends when they talk about surprises and monthly celebrations and all that?

Funny because when I ask those questions, I realize how selfish my motivations are. It’s all me, me, me. I want to be loved! I want to have a boyfriend! I want to have someone! I want to be in a relationship because I want to be happy!

No wonder I’m still where I am.

I’m not saying that my selfishness is the only one thing I need to get rid of and I’ll have an instant romantic relationship. No, no. I have a feeling there’s more, and I honestly have no idea what else God wants to refine in me and for how long He is still going to make me wait…but I get what He wanted to tell me yesterday. I get it. He showed me how selfish my motivations were, and why He’s not giving in to my demands even if I wail and rant and cry. I get it. I’m not sure if I have full understanding of all, but I get what He wanted to say.

And I’m glad He talked to me. Because I really, really missed hearing His voice. My deafness is usually my fault, of course (and it’s something that need to work on again).

I don’t know how long I’ll be waiting still, but I will wait on God. I will not lose hope. Like what they said in the last episode of Extreme Makeover: Home Edition I watched: Love always hopes. I’ll take comfort in my personal experience when I was looking for a new job: it may have been a long and sometimes excruciating wait, but victory was definitely very sweet in the end. :)

So. More patience? You bet. But this time, I’ll be smiling again as I wait. :)

20/30.

Big, Fun and Scary Things, Dear Diary

Book Season 2009

Day 19There’s a time every year that I call “Book Season“. It’s usually around August to September, when all book stores I frequent go on sale, and usually ends right by Manila International Book Fair. These times are practically heaven for me as I get to buy a whole lot of books (then again it’s not like I don’t buy a lot off-season too), which all get added to my growing TBR list. In fact, there are still books on my TBR list from book fair two years ago. Haha.

I’ve always had somewhat of a generous stash every year after Book Season. This year was a bit different though. Good, yeah, but kind of different.

I hit MIBF last Saturday to see if I can find anything I like and buy it. I ventured into the fair with a list of books that I don’t necessarily need to have. The past years I have a list of books that I must have but this year, it’s just…”Okay, if I find it, I’ll probably buy it.” When I got to the fair, I ended up buying some pens from the Pilot booth and then three more books in National Bookstore (which I realized that I can still buy in National Bookstore with the same discount).

And all books I bought were in hardcover. And you know how I don’t like hardcovers.

But still, I think it’s a pretty good haul. They’re all “hot” books anyway:

Book Fair Haul
Book Fair Haul

I finally gave in and bought the hardcover copy of Sarah Dessen‘s Along for the Ride. Couldn’t resist, plus I can’t wait to read it anyway (and I’m almost done reading it!). The Hunger Games and Catching Fire by Suzanne Collins were highly recommended by Blooey, so there. :)

Hm. All sales ended yesterday, I think, and I just realized…almost all books I got to buy on all sales were from the Young Adult section:

2009 Book Saeson Stash
2009 Book Season Stash

From top to bottom:

  1. My Imaginary Ex by Mina V. Esguerra (Powerbooks)
  2. Be Strong & Curvaceous by Shelley Adina (Fully Booked)
  3. Who Made You a Princess? by Shelley Adina (Fully Booked)
  4. The Miracle Girls by Anne Dayton and May Vanderbilt (Fully Booked)
  5. Breaking Up Is Hard to Do by Anne Dayton and May Vanderbilt (Fully Booked)
  6. Along for the Ride by Sarah Dessen (National Bookstore)
  7. The Hunger Games by Suzanne Collins (National Bookstore)
  8. Catching Fire by Suzanne Collins (National Bookstore)

Not bad, not bad. I’m just surprised it’s almost all YA. I can see a trend coming in, haha. I find myself gravitating towards that section of the bookstore ever so often. Maybe I should go back to YA for NaNoWriMo.

Right now there’s no other book I want to buy yet. I was thinking of Dan Brown’s The Lost Symbol but it’s too expensive for me, plus I figure I can borrow it somewhere. :) I also wanted to buy those cool Austen reprints at National Bookstore…but I figured I could buy it next time. Or ask for it as  a Christmas gift. Support my Classics reading challenge! Give me Classic books (preferably Jane Austen :P).

Till next year, I guess?

19/30

Big, Fun and Scary Things, Randomnities

Happy Friday!

Day 18It’s another long weekend! Hope you guys have a great time this weekend. I wish I could’ve hit the beach but my weekend is packed anyway — book fair (post tomorrow!), my dad’s arrival, my goddaughter’s birthday…wohoo! Bring it on!

Sorry for the short entry, but for now I will leave you with something  that’s made me giggle everytime I’ve seen it this week. Hope you don’t get to be like this kitteh. :)

Entertain meh!
Entertain meh!

Happy weekend everyone!

18/30.

Big, Fun and Scary Things, Dear Diary

Enjoy the Ride

Day 17I am totally beat. And hungry. Not physically beat but mentally. I’ve been working on a really long work request since seven in the evening, and it’s made me sit in my chair for so long and I haven’t eaten dinner yet, and well…I’m just tired. And I want to go home.

And there’s no one to eat dinner with. :(

But anyway. There’s still so much to do this week that I don’t know if I’ll be able to do all of them. Ugh. So many commitments. Can we have more hours in a day, please?

What are those? Let me list them down:

  • Work, work, work. We’ll be having some sort of freeze next week so we need to finish everything that comes in this week by tomorrow. And…there’s just so much stuff that I need to finish that I think I’ll end up working on Saturday. :(
  • My goddaughter’s first birthday on Saturday — and I haven’t shopped for a gift yet.
  • The website for my brother’s photo booth business. Must have it up by end of the week!
  • Manila International Book Fair on Saturday!
  • My dad’s arrival on Saturday night!
  • NaNoWriMo 2009 preparations! Aahhh.

Not to mention working out, and all the other things that I still need to do. And want to do.

Guess who’s going crazyyy. 8-}

*breathes deeply*

Of course I still have time to blog. I’ve got half the mind to skip tonight’s entry, but I thought I’d pop in before I finally eat dinner. The only consolation tonight is that my brother’s fetching me so I won’t be commuting on the way home. At least there’s a silver lining today (among the others that happened, which I won’t really take the time to elaborate — sorry, it’s in a need to know basis :p).

Yes, enjoy the ride :)
Yes, enjoy the ride :)

There are some things that I am a bit excited about…but I also need to remind myself to be patient. As always. I think patience can be my favorite word now. Hm, what if I name a character after that? Huh. Why not?

But I digress. There are things I’m excited about but can’t be too excited about…so I’d like to use that little graphic to remind me to just enjoy the ride. Because…well, if I don’t, I know I’d end up wishing that I did once the ride is over. So…enjoy! :)

Even if my days have been a hit-or-miss the past few days/weeks, life’s good. I could still use more time praying because I’m struggling with it again, and there are things that I still want but I don’t have yet…but overall life is good. Because God is good. :)

I hope your week has been good too. :) If not, smile. It will get better. :)

17/30.

Big, Fun and Scary Things, Dear Diary

The Disappearing Act

Day 16Okay, so I still don’t have the words to continue what I meant about what was changing soon in the post the other day…but I will post about it. Maybe on the 19th or something, when I can breathe from all the things I need to finish doing by this week.

So. Onto not-so-serious topics for the meantime.

Have you ever had one of those days when you just want to disappear? You know, like poof! Not because of depression or whatever, but because you felt extremely antisocial?

I have.

I’m not proud to admit it, but there are times when I get sick of some people. It’s not that I get mad at them or anything, but sometimes, I need a breather. Did that make sense? It’s like…eating food. You can only eat so much of the same food over and over again. Eventually you’ll start looking for some other thing to eat other than that because you’ve gotten sick of it. It’s not that you’ll stop eating the other food, you just need a break.

I have moments like that with people.

No wonder I have some issues with keeping in touch.

There was a time back in college when I was so sick of having to sleep with so many people in a dorm (mind you, not sick with my roommates, but with the idea that I was sharing a room with four more people) that when I got home, I wanted to sleep in the privacy of my room. My mom didn’t have it, and forced me to sleep in their room (where we all sleep).

Hay.

Sometimes I feel absolutely antisocial with everyone, no matter who you are and where I’ve known you, sometimes I feel antisocial with a certain group only, or even a certain person. There are times when I am antisocial just because I feel like it, and there are times when there’s an actual reason — like being the third/fourth/fifth/insert number here wheel consecutively, or learning of a news that I don’t know how to handle or can’t handle just yet.

Please tell me I’m not the only one like this.

So am I feeling antisocial right now? Sort of. Kind of. It’s no biggie, really. Sometimes I just need a break. Sometimes I just need some alone time, to think things through, to think of myself and to reflect. Sometimes I feel like it’s just my brattiness that’s making me like this. Or, maybe it’s just me calling for, I don’t know, some kind of effort from the people to reach out to me.

Oh wait, that may be classified as brattiness too.

Just give me time. It’s been weird lately, honestly, and I think I need to take this time to figure some things out for myself. Sometimes all I need is some alone time to hear the still small voice inside me, which, honestly, I have been having trouble hearing lately.

Yeah, time. Just give me time.

* * *

Don’t worry, I don’t want to be like the girl in As Told by Ginger’s And She Was Gone. But I just thought I’d post it because it’s kind of related. :)

[youtube]GrLzdLyahWI[/youtube]

And She Was Gone
As Told By Ginger

She chose to walk alone.
Though others wondered why.
Refused to look before her,
Kept eyes cast upwards,
Towards the sky.

She didn’t have companions.
No need for earthly things.
Only wanted freedom,
From what she felt were puppet strings.

She longed to be a bird.
That she might fly away.
She pitied every blade of grass
For planted they would stay.

She longed to be a flame.
That brightly danced alone.
Felt jealous of the steam
That made the air its only home.

Some say she wished too hard.
Some say she wished too long.
But we awoke one autumn day
To find that she was gone.

Some say she wished too hard.
Some say she wished too long.
But we awoke one autumn day
To find that she was gone.

The trees, they say, stood witness.
The sky refused to tell.
But someone who had seen it
Said the story played out well.

She spread her arms out wide.
Breathed in the break of dawn.
She just let go of all she held…

And then she was gone.

16/30.

Big, Fun and Scary Things, Dear Diary

Wanted: Nike's Tessa

Day 15I interrupt the seriousness of yesterday’s post to make room for something…less serious.

I am totally in love with this bag:

Nike's Tessa Medium Duffel Bag
Nike's Tessa Medium Duffel Bag

I spotted this bag a month ago when I was looking for a bag and a pair of rubber shoes I could use to go to the gym. I decided to forego buying this bag when I got my shoes because I couldn’t afford it yet. I figured no one would buy this one yet because it’s on display, and who buys expensive bags in Nike anyway?

When I returned a couple of days ago, I saw that they only have the smaller version of the bag on display. I could have bought that one instead, but I wanted a bigger bag, one that I could use for out of town overnight trips, you know?

I checked the Nike Park branch near my office again and asked if they have the bigger version but they don’t! And now I’m quite depressed because I really, really want that bag. Really, really want.

Do I need it? Let me try and justify.

Haha seriously. I don’t really, really need it, but it would be a good kind of comfort for me to have a bag like this so I won’t be carrying Teo over my shoulder and instead bring it in my backpack that hardly feels heavy at all.

Plus it’s so pretty. It has pink interiors too! I want!!!

Now if only I can find one. I’ve got a couple of stores in mind to check out for this one, and I swear, the next time I see it, I will definitely buy it already. Itr couldn’t be harder to find than breeches, right? I’ve got a 10% discount (on selected stores) already because of my Fitness First membership…but if I can get a better deal, why not?

If you find this one in any Nike branch, will you please let me know? Please please please?

After this, it will be my last bag purchase for a long time. I promise. After this, I’ll start buying clothes. Harhar. :P

A more serious post tomorrow, promise!

15/30.

Big, Fun and Scary Things, Dear Diary

Stranger than my Apathy

Day 14One of the reasons I think that my blog isn’t a household name (haha dream on, Tina!) is because of my apathy. I’m probably one of the most apathetic person when it comes to blogging except for things I care about of course. I mean, I hardly blog about current events, or what’s up with showbiz or whatever unless it’s directly related to me. This is why I hardly post in my “opinion” category, and whenever I post about things related to artists I like, it’s not about what’s up with them, unless I absolutely love them enough to post a lot about them. But for any other thing, I can honestly say that I couldn’t care less.

funny-pictures-care-o-meter-cat
Sometimes I think I am like this.

It’s not a good thing, I know. Back in high school, I used to pride myself in being the “abstainer”. I never used to make an opinion, in fear of getting into arguments. I hated debates, and the most terrifying moment of my life back in high school was when we had to have a debate for English class. I used to think choosing sides is not a way to win anything, and abstaining is always the best way.

And then I came across this quote:

The hottest place in Hell is reserved for those who remain neutral in times of great moral conflict. (Martin Luther King Jr)

Talk about…very shaking. Heh.

Okay, maybe I’m exaggerating, because I don’t really need to give any opinion on everything, and it’s not always a time of great moral conflict (did that sentence make sense?). But for other things, it’s not that I don’t really and truly care…sometimes I’m just too busy to care.

It’s still not a valid excuse. Sometimes A lot of times I feel guilty for not taking a stand on the important things that are happening around us. Sometimes I don’t even take a huge stand on some faith issues. When I do make a stand, I end up trying to be “safe”, which is just the same as the non-confrontational me back then.

I’m going around and around in this post. The point is, I’m the worst person to ask for an opinion. I do have them, but I tend to keep them to myself, and sometimes I don’t bother making one because I feel like its such a bother, and it doesn’t affect me directly.

A good friend once told me that a mature Christian is one who holds a Bible in one hand and a newspaper on the other hand. Most of the times I feel like I’d rather pick up other things than the newspaper. I envy a lot of people who are solid in their opinions and convictions, and I really want to be like that. I try to make myself care, but sometimes it feels like such a lost cause that I end up just focusing on other things that require less opinions, like whether 4396710 is a type of water filter or what.

I want to change that. I want to get rid of this apathy.

And I have a feeling it will change, soon.

14/30.

Big, Fun and Scary Things, Dear Diary, Thought-Provoking

Regrets

Ah technology. Our landline conked out today for some reason so there’s also no Internet, but I’m thankful for Smart 3G for letting me connect. Connection is a bit fragile though, and not as stable as when I’m at the condo, but I’m not complaining.

Anyway. Today was an adrenaline-rushed filled day. Lately I noticed that I’ve always been the one having to adjust to other people’s schedules, especially when it comes to my gym schedule. I’m all for adjusting for other people to pick the least hassle of all roads…but sometimes it sucks because it ends up being a hassle to me.

Hay. I did survive all the adrenaline rush (leaving me almost knocked out earlier), thank God, but I can’t help but feel a bit disappointed over something that happened…or didn’t happen, rather.

I’d really rather not elaborate on what happened/didn’t happen, but on the feeling. The biggest feeling I have right now is probably regret. You know when you want something and you know you can get it, but certain circumstances just stopped you from getting that thing? That feeling. I can’t help but think of other things that I could have done to make things right, to help me get what I wanted. To change things so it would be different.

But changing it would probably mean the loss of the other good things that happened this day too…so it’s kind of a lose-lose situation. Sort of.

Hay. I may not be making any sense here, but I’m really just trying to sort my feelings out. It sucks, really. Because I can’t do anything about it…except feel sad about it. And then feel a bit annoyed at myself for being sad about it when I shouldn’t.

But if there’s anything I learned early this year…it’s that it’s okay to wallow. At least for a while. So…tonight I’ll wallow. Then tomorrow I’ll stop.

From icanread.tumblr.com
From icanread.tumblr.com

Earlier at mass today, the priest said something that really struck me during the homily: Pain is a gift that nobody wants. How true. There are a lot of necessary pains that should happen for us to grow…and I’m hoping this teensy pain here right now would make me grow too.

I’ll be okay. :) I always am. :)

13/30.

Big, Fun and Scary Things, Dear Diary

Best Friends

Day 12I was intending to post about my current weight loss achievement, but WordPress in Macy ate my entry, so I’ll post about that another time, when I feel like it again. Or when I reach another significant milestone (hopefully soon!).

So for the past few weeks/months, I’ve been having “gimmick merges”. Meaning, I go out with a friend and then we meet up with another friend and then we meet up with another friend and all of us would end up going out in one gimmick with only me as their common link. It’s fun because my friends all get along and then I can go out with all of them and not worry about leaving other people out or something like that.

This kind of set up made me think a lot, though. One of the things that my teammates tell me when I tell stories about my childhood or high school or college is that I seem to have a lot of best friends. Which is kind of true: I have a best friend back in elementary who is now in Vegas, I have a best friend in high school, I have a best friend in college. I may even have a work best friend but I don’t really label it now.

Sometimes I wonder if the people I call best friends are actually still my best friends, and the people I don’t, are the ones who are my best friends. It’s not about being mean, or giving up the friendship. But you know, people change. I change, they change. Maybe at this particular moment of my life, they’re the ones who were always there, that’s why they were my best friends. But now that some of us have drifted apart, or at least, not in contact so much, we hardly know each other at all.

I’m not sure if I’m making much sense. But wait, what is a best friend anyway? Is it someone who you’re always with? Is it just someone who you can’t imagine your life without? Is it someone who would cry with you and laugh with you and go with you through hell if needed be?

Sometimes I wonder if because I have so many best friends that the term has lost its meaning on me. Maybe I used the term too loosely. You know? Sometimes I feel guilty when another friend calls me his/her best friend when I don’t exactly call him/her that. Except that maybe we really do hang out a lot together, and I know that he/she is one who will stay.

Maybe I’m just overthinking, you know.

Or maybe, it’s okay to have a lot of best friends. :)

12/30.

Big, Fun and Scary Things, Dear Diary, Yum Factor

Pan De .

Day 11First: thanks to Marvs for the topic of today’s entry.

Second: If you’re kind of squeamish, feel free to skip this entry.

So today my boss brought some bread from the nearby bakery for us at work. He lives in Marikina, and there’s an abundance of bakeries where they live. He even used to bring us this gigantic pan de sal that looked like the kind of bread that Jesus and his disciples ate back in Jerusalem. Seriously. One time when he brings one again I’ll take a picture.

So anyway, he bought us this bread:

Photo from kapeathopia.wordpress.com
Photo from kapeathopia.wordpress.com

I know everyone who grew up in the 90’s or 80’s (or even earlier) knows this bread. I’m sure you’ve seen this at one point at your small bakeries, and has eaten them at some point, too.

Anyway (again), my boss brought some of this earlier at the request of Earl (I think) and that got all of us munching happily on the bread. I wondered if the red part has some flavor, and apparently there was, but because I’m not much of a cook, I can’t explain that.

But that’s not the point. The point was, at some point during the afternoon, some of us got wondering what this bread was called. I knew it was called something weird, true to the Pinoy style, but I couldn’t remember what it is. Apparently, my teammate Grace knows, but she was keeping mum because it’s really not someone with a queasy stomach would want to know.

Then I asked Marvs and Cors, who I was chatting with earlier, and then Marvs gave me the answer:

Pan de regla.

To those who don’t know what regla means (and again, I warn those people who have queasy stomachs, because you may be grossed out after this), it’s menstrual blood. As in period (hence the title of the post, in case you didn’t get it). To quote (from the source of the photo):

Why Pan de Regla, you asked? Look closely. Red coloring right smack in the middle of bread that looks like a female sanitary napkin.

Trust Filipinos to have a weird sense of humor and call it like this. The real name of this bread is kalihim (loose translation: secretary). The bread is sweet and the red part is moist and sweet, almost like monggo, but not quite (told you I’m bad with flavors).

…I just realized my choice of words may not be right.

Oh. I think that’s the reason why I’ve been wanting to throw up ever since this afternoon. :-& Ugh.

But don’t get me wrong, this bread is good. Classic Pinoy afternoon snack, up in the line of spanish bread (yum yum). But I think I’ll try to forget the name of this one the next time I eat it. Maybe I dwelt on it too much.

11/30.